Disclaimer:

Me: *Pulls out cell phone and does voice command*

Cell phone: Say a command.

Me: Call 'Mom home'.

Cell phone: Repeat the command.

Me: Call 'Mom home'.

Cell phone: Did you say 'Call Rachelle home'?

Me: NO!

Cell phone: Say a command.

Me: CALL MOM HOME!!!!

Cell phone: I'm sorry, there is no match.

Me: DAMN BITCH YES THERE IS A MATCH!!!

Motto: I don't own Twilight, or the cell phone companies. If I did, cell phones would be smarter.

A series of one-shots about things our favorite vampires can't do. Set in Eclipse.

Chapter 1: Hot Sauce

"ARRRGHHHH!!!" I heard Emmett yell from the kitchen of the Cullen house. I was sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV. I got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. I leaned against the doorway as I watched Emmett.

He had a bottle of hot sauce in his hands that he was trying to open. I watched as he twisted the top this way and that, but it wouldn't budge. He set the bottle down on the counter on its side, and tried to hit the top off. It wouldn't budge.

He picked it up again and hit it against the counter. It wouldn't budge. He put a towel on the lid and twisted it. It wouldn't budge. "AGHHHH!" he yelled, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Emmett, what are you doing with hot sauce, if you don't eat?" I asked him.

"I was going to put it in Mike's food, but it won't OPEN!!! I've tried EVERYTHING! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!"

I walked over and picked up the hot sauce, and pressed down and twisted the cap, and it popped off. I handed it back to Emmett and walked out of the kitchen.

"I loosened it." He called.

A/N: so, first chapter. I thought of this when I was trying to open apple juice, and I couldn't open it, so my dad did it. And, being the AMAZINGLY—funny—person that I am, took the credit. Yea, whatever. Anyways….

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