I know I should update my other stories but I had to write this. This is in no way a recreation of what happened in New Moon, it's just something I needed to write. I hope you enjoy it, though.
What do you do when your reason for existing no longer wants you?
Edward and I had been dating for six months when he decided that we needed to "separate".
Now, as I walked into my biology class, I still felt the sharp shards of glass that punctured my heart. Even though it had been over a week since he uttered those words that broke my heart, I still felt the pain as potently as if it had been only hours. There he sat, at one of the black tables with his strong arm around Tanya's waist.
Although I only glanced at them for a moment, the image was burned into my retinas. As I moved to sit at my now-lonely table, I fought back the tears that threatened to overpower me.
The blackboard swam before my eyes and I blinked rapidly against the salty, insatiable liquid.
It was impossible to explain how I felt. The easiest thing to name was rejection. He didn't want me. I doubted he had ever wanted me. Had it all been a lie? Did he ever truly care for me? But no, that was silly. Of course he had loved me at one time, but I could see now that that love had diminished over the months whilst mine grew stronger. Our relationship had grown one-sided.
Mr Banner was talking about something that I could neither hear nor care about.
Oh God, the agony was unbearable.
It wasn't as if there was a hole in my chest – not at all. That would have been merciful compared to my current pain. Instead, it felt like my soul was shattered into thousands of dying fragments, yearning for the one who could put it together again but never would. Those fragments were the sharp bits of pain that would assault me whenever I saw CD's or pianos, green eyes or a crooked smile.
I wasn't broken – that would have been too easy.
I wasn't hurt – too simple.
I was screaming inside my head while I sat, mute, at the black-topped table, shrieking in anger at myself and in longing for him.
It had been absurd of me to believe that he could love me in the first place. I wanted to break down and cry once again. I wanted to smash things and let loose all the misery and fury inside me.
I was so angry with myself. I had done something to push him away, to make him not love me anymore. But I wished I knew what I had done to cause this to happen – so I could beg for his forgiveness.
I wanted to curl up under this table and close my eyes, never to open them again.
Now, his words drifted back to me. There was nothing I could do to stop them, to stop the cause of my pain.
Bella, I know that we've been together a long time – a half a year – and I have enjoyed every moment that I've spent with you. But I feel that I have something to tell you. Summer's almost here too. Edward had looked down and clasped my hands in his before continuing. But I feel that we should separate for a little while. What with us going to different colleges it will be hard for us to be together. Everything will be so much easier this way, Bella, you'll see. School ends in a few days and it would be better for us to have a summer to clear our heads before college.
He had paused then, gauging my reaction. A small, indifferent smile was spread over his lips, and it was that smile that crushed my heart into the ground.
This wasn't hard for him at all. He was breaking up with me and it didn't bother him in the slightest. All my worst fears were confirmed. I didn't know for sure if he had ever loved me, but I knew that he sure as hell didn't love me now. If he did, he couldn't approach this with a smile. I had sat in shock after he finished speaking.
I hope we can still be friends, he had said pleasantly, smiling with those green eyes that had so often haunted my dreams.
Then he had walked to his car, leaving me at the picnic table, staring at the splitting wood. It didn't take long for reality to slam into me full-force and deep sobs racked my chest as I laid my head down on the bench and wept.
I snapped back to the present and tried to focus on the worksheets that had just been handed out. But the words blurred and I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in hopes of keeping the tears at bay.
It would be easier if he hated me, or if he had yelled that he never wanted to see me again. Anything would have been better than that pleasant indifference with which he treated me. Our love had all been one-sided, at least in the end. But, how could I have been so blind to see that he wanted rid of me?
He was charming and handsome – a deceiving combination. And I had fallen for him like so many girls before me.
I glanced up to see Mr Banner looking kindly down at me, his eyes full of pity. I felt a single burning tear slide down my cheek, searing the flesh. Mr Banner's soft hand rested lightly on my shoulder.
"Do you need to go to the bathroom?" he asked softly so that the other students wouldn't hear.
This small bit of kindness undid me. Suddenly the tears poured out, unchecked, and the hard lump in my throat nearly choked me. A loud sob tore from my throat and I stumbled from my chair and out the door. The whole classroom was silent as they watched me.
I caught a glimpse of Edward's face. I suddenly wished that I hadn't looked back. His expression was disappointed. Not pained, or even ashamed, but actually disappointed in me for breaking down into tears in class.
I slammed the door and ran down the hall into the bathroom. Locking myself into a stall, I allowed the fresh waves of emotional agony wash over me. The sobs that tore from me were almost animalistic in their savagery.
Sliding down to the floor, I brought my knees up to my chest and hid my face in the space between.
The pathetic thing was, I couldn't even hate him. He had hurt me worse than I thought anyone ever could, and I couldn't even bring myself to despise him. Our time together seemed so brief now, just a blink of an eye, yet it was filled with happiness and the best moments of my life.
I remembered the first time I had kissed him. His palms were soft on my cheeks as he cupped my face. My heart was hammering and butterflies danced in my stomach. His thumbs rubbed my skin tenderly, sending electric currents through my nervous system. He paused for only a moment before he brought his lips to mine in a movement so gentl that it was like a feather brushing my mouth. Only a whisper of a kiss, so tender and soft that I wanted to sigh and melt in his arms.
I love you so much, Bella, he had murmured before bringing his lips to mine again.
With each movement he whispered to me. His hands were gentle as they moved down my neck to my shoulders, his skin scorching mine. In that moment, I had been so sure of my hold on him. That I was forever his and he mine. He tongue lightly traced the line of my top lip and I knew he felt the tremble in my body.
Now I knew that nothing was ever permanent. The bathroom stank like anticeptic and urine, and I glanced up at the wall. Dozens of girls had wrote various remarks and comments on the painted stall in black Sharpie. Nothing was ever as it seemed; nothing was ever simple. Looking back down at my hands, I remembered his words.
I love you so much
I hope we can still be friends
It would never be possible for us to be friends; I could never be around him without being destroyed by the misery.
Then I hid my face in my arms and gave myself over to the scorching tears that consumed me.
Again, this was in no way an attempt at re-doing New Moon. It was a sort of therapy for me, since I just went through a break up. I hope you enjoyed it, though. Please review and tell me how I did. I would greatly appreciate it. :)