Hey guys!
Got a new fanfic for you! IT'S HIKARUxKAORU!!! :D

DISCLAIMER!!!!: i do not own Ouran High School Host Club characters...and there is some yaoi in here!!!


~Dauphine-Blossom Wildewood :D


Chapter 1: Ever-Present

I stay wide awake staring at his calm expression. My soft hands lay on his smooth chest that rises and falls evenly. He is so serene in this moment, and so handsome I want to just kiss every inch of his jaw line and down his neck and maybe…damnit! I did not just think that! I huff softly and look towards the window to our bedroom. The sun is beginning to rise stretching its red and purple rays of heavenly light towards our floor-to-ceiling windows. I look back down at Hikaru and the rays of light reflect off of his dark, crimson hair and illuminate his radiant face. He seems so peaceful…

I hate it when the sun comes because it means the end of our closeness. It means that we have to get out of bed, and I can not stare at him absently any longer. It's not fair, being in love with your twin. Some might say I'm a narcissist because Hikaru and I are identical, but I can assure you, while we might look alike, there are subtle physical differences and major psyche differences. From a distance, we look identical, but if you are up close to us like to shake one of our hands you could distinguish our slight physical differences.

Ever since we joined the Host Club, we have begun to look less and less alike. Hikaru wanted us to get our characters to look less of an act and more like reality. So, he weight-lifts toning his muscles and therefore has larger muscles than me. He is also is working on a six-pack, or at least, that's what he tells me. As for me, he wanted me to become smaller, in a healthy manner of course. Typical Hikaru, always thinking that I would do something for him that would harm me. Well, he was right. For a period of time I was anorexic and only bulimic when I was forced to eat food. I lost thirty five pounds and hospitalized for three weeks. I was scary skinny. Now, I'm just skinnier than Hikaru, and I probably weigh twenty pounds less than him. Yep, it's been hard to regain my weight; I just don't feel hungry ever anymore, and as you can imagine, Hikaru blames himself. Idiot. He might have given me the idea, but he does not control how I care for myself, although he would like to.

Also, his hair has grown a darker, red-auburn color. Mine is still the brilliant red, strawberry-blonde. Ironically, that occurred naturally. Hikaru says that it is because I don't go outside that much because my skin is also milky white while his is a pale tan. I don't know, maybe he's right.

I wish every morning could be like this one. Where I wake up in his arms, but I know that all good things in life never last. I know that I can not keep him all to myself (even though I would like to), for he will come across someone someday that he loves more than me. That day will come and it will be painful; just thinking about it makes my heart constrict painfully.

Oh, God. Oh, God! I have to get up, out of these loving arms! They torment me, for they will not hold me forever! This is just a blissful interim, before the heart break and strife comes in the form of Hikaru's destined life-partner, man or woman, I'm not sure. I suspect that it would be a woman. He is going to want a family: a wife, and kids; heirs to the vast company that he will inherit from our father. And little me…what would happen to me? I would…I would…kill myself…

Why do I act this way? Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I love him more than I should?

I love his sarcastic, mischievous grin that he gives me when he is scheming something devious. I love the fact that no matter what position he poises himself, he always looks cool and nonchalant. Above all, I love his eyes. Yes, we are identical twins, but like I said before there are some differences. His eyes are like liquid gold that are just dripping with animation, youthfulness, and incandescence.

Hikaru, Hikaru, Hikaru…

This is terrible! I can't be in love with my twin! It's not right! My breathing accelerates and hitches. I can't breathe! These arms are only temporary; he doesn't love me the way I love him. Why should he? It's disgusting! He's: a boy, my best friend, my older brother, and my twin. It's so wrong; I can't live with myself and my desires. I can not love him like this. It's immoral. Forbidden. I need to get up; I need cleanse myself!

There must be a God because as all this runs through my mind, Hikaru rolls over onto his stomach releasing me from his iron hold. I immediately feel insecure and cold, but I thank God Almighty for giving me such good fortune. Now, I can get out of bed without disturbing or worrying my twin. I need to get away from him! My thoughts are becoming inappropriate, and I can feel my groin twitch. Without delay yet cautiously, I remove myself from our enormous bed. I look back and confirm that Hikaru is still sleeping, then run to our bathroom where I silently shut the door and lock it.

I can feel the hot tears welling up in my eyes threatening to fall. I struggle to hold them back sniffling all the while. Our psyches are really different. I am quiet, kind, polite, emotional, and probably more mature than him. Hikaru is more rambunctious, funny, controlling, stubborn, and…protective. That's when I lost it; I let the tears fall. I turn on the shower to a really hot temperature and strip off all my clothes. When I step in, a small yelp escapes me because the water is scalding; however, my body is cold and quickly adapts to the temperature. I scrub my hair with my special shampoo and conditioner, and then I lather my body with a vanilla-cream body wash. I am still crying because the cold, hollowness inside me grows whenever I am too far from Hikaru. I hate how I want to be with him and how I can not be without him. It's so conflicting. I try not to think about being in his embrace and other naughty thoughts, but they do not leave me, ever. The thoughts sicken me and I vomit in the shower. The pungent taste of bile in my mouth and its smell in my nostrils does not make the feeling of shame and self-loathing go away.

I wash out the shower and rinse my mouth out thoroughly. Then, I feel to the shower floor and begin to sob. I let all my pain and strife pour out through my tears and shudders. I sit in the piercingly hot water turning my skin red, yet I feel colder than I have in years.

He doesn't love me like that! I'm disgusting! Stop thinking like this! Just go away…disappear…I repeat this to myself over and over again rocking back in forth in the fetal position.

"Kaoru? Are you alright? I thought I heard you scream…" Hikaru's voice called through the locked door as if to torment me further.

Quickly, I turn off the water and step out of the shower.


I dry myself hurriedly and wrap a soft, white towel around my waist loosely.

"Kaoru!? Why's the door locked?" Hikaru yells. I can detect his concern and alarm in his voice, and by the way he is jiggling the door handle incessantly.

"Kaoru! Why won't you answer me?!"

Taking a deep breath, I open the locked door as the steam from my shower billows out into the bedroom.

There he is. His lightly tan, bare torso and toned muscles glinting in the now rising sun. His vibrant eyes are full of worry. He can not know what I am feeling. He would reject me.

Once the steam dissipates, and he can see me clearly, his eyes widen slightly. I blush at the sight of him and I clutch the towel around my waist. I keep my eyes focused on my feet.

"I'm alright, I just stepped into the shower and it was too hot so I cried out. Sorry if I woke you," I say to him softly looking up when I finish. His eyes relax and he gives me that smirk, and all of his worries are gone like the steam.

"Oh, that's ok. You are my alarm-clock any way. I'm just glad you're okay. I was almost tempted to knock the door down to make sure you hadn't fallen or something," He says sheepishly grinning and scratching the nape of his neck.

"I'm sorry" I say pathetically. I begin to blush because he hasn't moved from the doorway.

Then he gives me his infamous smirk. What are you plotting?

He picks me up in his strong arms and I gasp. I am caught off guard and my cheeks redden. His warmth heats my body right to its core, more than the shower ever could, accelerating my heart-rate. He easily carries me over to the bed and gently but forcibly throws me down on it.

"Hik-kar-r-ru? What ar-re yo-you doin-ng?" I stutter trembling uncontrollably turning a deeper shade of red.

He smirks at me clearly enjoying my complete shock, embarrassment and helplessness. He clenches my soft, white towel and wrenches it off of me revealing my small, quivering, nude body to him. I turn tomato-red. He just smirks again and throws the towel over his shoulder.

"I needed to get into the bathroom and you were in the way," he says looking down at me like it should be clear why he did it. I can feel his eyes roaming across my exposed body making me shudder with pleasure. Damnit! I hope he has not noticed or mistaken it for me trembling.

"Thanks for the towel, babe. Now get dressed for school. Make sure everything's covered so we don't have anybody stealing glances at you, but who could blame them?"

He laughs and crosses back over to the bathroom amused by his prank. He closes the door and I hear the shower turn on. I am still quivering. Hikaru has seen me nude before. Hell, we have even bathed more than a dozen times before in the past, but this felt different. I don't ever recall him pulling a sexual stunt like that and removing my garments. He has tried at the Host Club before, but that was part of the act. I don't know why, but I felt violated. If Hikaru and I were dating, I would have no problem with him taking control and removing my clothes; I would welcome it. However, his actions this morning I know are just pranks. They have classic Hitachiin humor written all over them: Make others feel awkward and uncomfortable. He has never done that purposefully to me though…

Silently, I cry again and get dressed. I wish that he would be able to make this pain all go away, but I know that it is not allowed. It shouldn't even be allowed in my immoral thoughts and dreams…but they are…and they are ever-present. Ever day, I long for us to be together even more. I need to stop. This is blasphemous! Hikaru…I love you!




Love, Dauphine