I was doing some end of the year homework, which is a joke when I saw that Bella had updated her facebook page. Now Bella and I have been talking more, and are starting to really get along but I still didn't know about her everyday life like I did not even a year ago. Could that really be right, less than a year ago Bella and I were inseparable we were best friends that shared everything? And now I have to sift through some stupid status update to see what is happening in her life? The update read "What does 12 credits towards a college degree…. Plus 20 gigs in local coffee shops and ..other places….plus weekend trips to where ever the car and little gas money we have….plus the best friends equal….. the best summer EVER! "
I was glad for Bella that she had all of these amazing plans and that she was happy. But I missed her, she was my sister and I know that I hurt her, but we were working on it, and now I feel like she and I don't get to see her. I feel like this is going to put more then miles between us and that I couldn't afford that. I miss my sister and even though we are friends I want to get back to before. And what happens once I graduate and I go off to college, even though I have no idea where I was going to go. I have some BIG college shopping to do…. Hahaha college shopping bella would have loved that one, with my shopping addiction and all.
OMG that's it, that how I can see Bella and talk to her and still make it seem, not so pushy. OH OH and I can take Edward and the gang with us, now I we would have to convince our parents but I am sure that I can definitely do that but, I need a little more power….. oh and wont Edward be happy. Edward has been so down lately, he and Bella used to be so close and I don't know how I missed how she felt, but I think that the biggest shock that I missed was the fact that Edward felt the same way. I mean yes he was dating that slut Tanya, but I think that he did that because he never thought that he could have bella. Maybe because he thought that she was too good for him (which lets face it after the way that we all treated her she was way too good for all of us), or maybe because he didn't want to jeopardize his friendship, that didn't work out well. But Maybe if we went there and saw Bella in her environment and saw her in a place that made her happy, and had her see that we could really be in her life and that she could still be happy that we could grow more into being the family that we once were. I mean you can never have too many people surrounding you who loved and cared about you. And Edward would be able to see for himself that he had to step up before Bella and Jess got together. Yes he was nice and sweet and made her feel good, but from the pics that I saw of the two of them she wasn't in love. Yes I missed her love of Edward, but looking back now, how could I have missed it? but I am so sure that I wasn't missing it now. She hadn't fallen in love but they were getting closer everyday, but it had to say something that after months of knowing each other that they still weren't more then friends. RIGHT?
Now I have to talk to everyone and set a date to go see Bella, and we should make it around the time that she has one of her shows, I cant wait to hear her sing again. I can't believe that I never knew how great of a singer that Bella was. She is so good that I get goose pimples. I have some serious digging, begging and planning to do, and I can't wait to get everything settled so that I can see my sister again, and maybe this time I can leave feeling like we are back to normal or at least closer to our normal.
Bella…. I love to see her updates, because I love that girl. And I cant believe that I never saw it or maybe I always did but I would never cross that line. I think that I always knew that I would, but I never would have guessed that I would have messed it up this much. That I could have messed it up to the point that I hardly spoke to her. No hardly doesn't fit I never talk to her, yes I have the occasional chat online with her, or a text her or there, but never a full conversation where I can hear her voice. That voice that I never knew could sound so amazing so true and pure and perfect. I wish that I never would have hurt her, I wish that I would have seen through Tanya, and I know that I should have, I never should have given Tanya a second thought. But something inside me made me think that if I couldn't have Bella then Tanya would be perfect, only because she was so unlike Bella and like Bella at the same time. That maybe I would be able to get over her and not have our lives or friendship which meant everything to me destroyed because of me. Tanya was like Bella in the way that she seemed to need a family too, like Bella did after Renee left, and she had to grow up without a mother. Tanya gave me this awful story and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her and start to put some of my feelings for Bella to Tanya. I don't know where I let all the lines blur and cross but I did and I hate myself for it.
I know that Alice is planning a trip to see bella and I cant wait for it. I don't want to shock Bella or upset her and I love her so I couldn't stand it. Even though I never told Bella how I feel because I don't think that she would believe me, or maybe she already moved on. I mean that Jess guy and her were getting close but as far as I could tell they still weren't anything more then friends. Although I made that decision to stay friends I had to hope that Jess was just as stupid as me. That way maybe I could prove to bella on this trip that I loved her and that I belonged with her. And even if she didn't see it right away, maybe I could get her to at least talk to me. God I missed her everyday, I don't seem whole without her.
Even though I know that she was okay and that she was well taken care of, that she felt that she was happy and she felt like she belonged their, we had to show her that she belonged in folks or with us. Because I didn't care where I was as long as I had my family and yes that family included Bella. I would never be whole again if I didn't have her in my life. And I would make sure that on this trip that she knew that. When she came home for spring break I got her to start to talk to be…..granted seldom still but she still talked to me and wasn't with Jess so I would count that as a win. And maybe I could get her to give me a chance or at least think about it. and then we would talk more and I swear if I had to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her then I would. She is everything to me and I don't think I could and I wouldn't want to live without her in that life, but I can't go back to bing in love without saying it…. I want it all and I only want it with Bella.
I really care about Bella and I know that I am older and that I will graduate sooner then Bella, but I also know that she is amazing. But I am no fool, I know that her visit to folks messed her up and I am okay with that. But I have to make sure that before any of her friends take their place in Bellas heart that she has to be okay with it. and that they wont go hurting her again. Bella was like half a person when she got here and I never can let her go back to it. I love bella but sometimes I wonder if I am in love with her or if I love her like a friend or a family member. But she is so sweet and kind and perfect, but I think that sometimes I confuse her and myself. We both like to hang out and I know that she is everything that I once wanted, but at the same time I want to be able to move on with my life when I am done with school I want to have a career. That might mean that I have to move, and I am too young to think about settling down or being involved with only one girl. I may not be a player but I still don't think that I can keep waiting for bella to make up her mind. I know that she is going to stay in school because you really can't go back to high school.
And I see the way that she looks at some of the pictures that her mom and that Esme sent her. She gets all gushy over that guys that broke her heart and the friends that tossed her away. But that's Bella she forgives people, now she did forgive fast but its not like she jumped back into being best friends with them sharing everyting. And she practice all the time with our music and her starting classes has her pretty booked, but she still talks to them here and there. So maybe if I don't get with her, I can make it harder for them to get back with her. She needs someone to look out for her, she needs someone to say hey, you better treat her right or I will kill you and they will never be able to find you. She needs someone to see her the new and the old her, someone who wont make comparisons about this and that meaningless crap. And most importantly she needs someone that will block that douche Edward, she needs to be tough and the way that she looks at a picture of him and her I know that she can't do that. She is too perfect, I need to be imperfect for her. I love her like a little sister and sometimes more but I can't let anyone else know…..but Bella I would never lead her on, but part of me feels like I wouldn't be letting her on, because I can see that she loves him. She's just scared because who wouldn't be scared about loving the one person in the world that hurt you the most, the one person who should always believe in you and help you. He destroyed her and me and our family picked her up. She loved them and us, now she needs to merge them together. Maybe this little trip her friends are going to take will help, and I can't wait for this because in the end, Bella deserves it.