A/N: So, what do Galla and FDM do late at night (or in this case not so late at night) over at Northman's Basement? Well, other than spend the night drinking wine, we come up with ideas. Some are good (I Concentrate On You), some are not (ummm, you really don't want to know), and then others just make us laugh and laugh, and make all the people in the thread look at us like we're insane.
This little nugget began its inception last night (I think it was last night . . . or was it this morning? GALLA!!! HELP!) when Galla suggested that I write a one-shot with the Eric from Chasing the Light and the Eric from House of Flesh on Fire, each vying for more attention from me, their author. Of course, this degenerated into a big pile of funny.
This is a totally collaborative effort and, frankly, all the funny parts are Galla's! Really, you must all lick her brain sometime. It's fantastic!
Without further ado, Far-Thea presents . . . E v. E . . .
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you?" Eric snarled, his hand tightening slowly on the man's throat. He could feel the panicked pulse thumping under his thumb, but the blue eyes in front of him refused to back down.
"Get your hands off of me," the professor snapped back.
"No. I don't like you." His fangs slipped out.
"Well, I don't like you either, but we're stuck with each other."
"Oh, really? How do you figure that? If I kill you, you'll be out of my hair, and out of my Sookie's pants," he growled.
"Stop being so alpha-male for five seconds and think about it! And furthermore, I haven't actually been in Ms. Stackhouse's pants yet, you son-of-a-bitch. You're the lucky bastard who has had that particular privilege!"
Eric released his hold on Eric's throat, and said, "I'm listening."
"First of all, do you really think FDM is going to appreciate you killing me off before Ms. Stackhouse and I actually 'do the deed?'"
Eric growled, "Not your best argument. You brought her to orgasm on your sofa and let her blow you under your desk, but you're not even on a first-name basis? If I didn't happen to know that you were patterned after me, I might think you were afraid of her. Does academia really make you that soft?"
"You know damn well that FDM doesn't let me be soft for more than a paragraph or so at a time, vampire. And fine, I'll start calling her Sookie when we're alone. But you need to consider the readers. Can you imagine the pitchfork brigade if that were to happen? Have you seen the psychos that have gone after Zigs? Or Mal? And think about it, Eric, those are wooden pitchforks."
"Do you think I can't defend myself against a few humans and their farm tools?"
Professor Northman ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "A few? Do you realize how many people are reading these two stories?" He shook his head and muttered something about vampire arrogance.
"Also, she isn't 'your' Sookie! This Sookie is 'my' Sookie! And, frankly, I don't want 'your' Sookie. She's so fucked up! Honestly, I thought I have baggage, but I've got nothing on your girl."
"My Sookie," Eric returned icily, "has been through a terrible ordeal, but she will recover. The longer we spend reading about your tormented soul and about how your ridiculous notions of morality are getting in the way of your sexual pleasure, the longer I have to wait in Louisiana while my bonded hides in Norway."
"They aren't 'ridiculous notions of morality'! This is my job we're talking about, and Sookie is barely legal as it is."
The vampire smirked, stretching his legs out on the couch. "You might know that she's older than you think she is if you ever bothered to have a conversation with her."
"What? How old is she?"
"Oh, I don't think I'll tell you. I think I'm going to let you ask her yourself, though I do recommend using some caution. Human women can be a little touchy on the subject of age. I find it amusing."
"Well I suppose I'll never find out, then, because this really does have to stop. If I let this thing, whatever it is, go any further, it's going to be a disaster."
"If that's really what you think, then I believe I will kill you. Dispatching a few disgruntled readers will be of no consequence. FDM will reunite me with my lover, and mark my words, there will be lemons—no more whining about how you'd really love a lemon, but you're terrified of citrusy consequences in the hallowed halls of higher learning."
The vampire moved towards the justifiably frightened professor, who was armed only with his wit, his doctorate, and a first edition volume of "Howl."
"Wait!" The professor cried out, as the vampire descended on him.
"What now?" Eric asked, clearly exasperated.
"I spoke to Gallathea."
The vampire froze in his tracks at the mention of one of the Beta's names. The Betas: the two mythical, goddess-like beings that continually helped birth the stories to life. The two wondrous creatures without whom both his and the professor's lives would be meaningless piles of drivel.
"You? You spoke to Gallathea?"
Eric nodded. "I did, and I happen to know that FDM wrote the next two chapters of your story, and is working on the next."
"Do you know what happens? Are there lemons?"
The professor smirked, clearly enjoying having the upper hand. He leaned against the file cabinet.
"Well now, who's suddenly unsure about just how his reunion is going to go?"
The vampire quickly composed himself, arranging his features to create a carefully-controlled, expressionless mask. "Galla is all for foozling. I know that about this woman. She is one of foozling's biggest fans."
"But Galla isn't writing that fic, is she?" returned the professor. "Moreover, she enjoys FDM's diabolical ways. She owes me for giving her feedback on a paper she wrote on postmodernism and Thomas Pynchon—I read Gravity's Rainbow for her, for fuck's sake—but you should hear how she laughs when FDM comes up with new ways to torture us through Sookie."
The Viking concentrated on the face of his professorial doppelganger, buffeting him with waves of power. "You will tell me what happens next in 'Chasing the Light,' professor. I require spoilers, and I require them now."
"Uh… Eric? I don't think glamour works on a different version of yourself."
Disappointed, the vampire returned to spot he had previously occupied on the sofa. "You are more devious than I gave you credit for, human. I'm beginning to think that we might be of some use to each other."
"Sookie and I have been through much in our time together. I will give you tips on how to get the girl—and stop trying to pretend you don't want her; it's futile, and if it didn't work for me, it certainly won't work for you. In return, you will use your influence on the Betas to procure information for me."
"There are two problems with your idea," said the professor. At a look from the vampire, he continued, "First, I have no contact with Kristin. She is not a Beta on my story. Plus, for all her love of hot, vampire foozling, when was the last time your counterpart in her story got any action? Instead, that Sookie has been busy sneaking around and playing telepathic footsy with Jasper, the bad guy!"
"You have a point," the vampire conceded. "Then we shall concentrate our efforts on Galla. Your second point?"
"I. Can't. Be. With. Sookie. So, what could you possibly offer me to get me to help you?"
Eric shook his head at his human incarnation. "You are a fool if you think you can stay away from her. I've had a thousand years of picking and choosing women, and I could not stay away. What makes you think you can?"
The professor sighed, and closed his eyes. When he opened them he said, "Because I have to, because I can't have someone like her in my life—she's special—and I can't let that . . ."
The vampire cursed softly in another language, effectively cutting him off. "May the gods save me from your angst-driven backstory. I really don't want to know," he huffed. "It seems we are at an impasse. I suppose merely threatening your life in exchange for information won't work?" Suddenly the vampire's eyes lit up, and with preternatural speed, he had the professor pinned to his desk, a dangerously sharp knife pointed at the man's crotch.
"What the fuck are you doing?" The human shouted. "If you do that, I'll never get that ultimate lemon!"
The vampire began to laugh, and stepped back. "I knew I could get you to admit it! Do you hear my laughter? That is the sound of inevitability, my breathing look-alike. It is unfortunate that you will have to wear condoms, however. I have no need of them, but you… you actually might want to stock up at Costco," he said, chuckling. "And perhaps leave a box here in the office."
"You . . . you were bluffing?"
"Of course! Do you think I would ever damage anything as perfect as my Gracious Plenty? You are not a Ken Doll, are you?"
The professor scoffed. "You read the last chapter, and you know I had sex with Felicia. You did read that part, didn't you?"
"I did, and you should listen to your friend. She gives good advice. But if you won't take her word for it, take mine: Thanksgiving is coming up, and you need to invite Sookie over to spend the holiday with you."
"Are you insane? You know I can't do that. Besides, I'm sure she's planning to spend Thanksgiving with her family, like every other student."
"You would know, if you did anything other than agonize about her effect on your cock, that Sookie's family is dead, with the exception of her brother, who is about as useful as an umbrella in a hurricane."
"She's on her own?" the professor asked, a furrow appearing in his brow.
"She is. And trust me: bad things happen when Sookie Stackhouse is left alone on major holidays. Have you read 'Gift Wrap'?"
He shook his head no. "Well, don't," the vampire advised. "It's better for both of us if we behave as though 'Gift Wrap' never happened. Fucking fairies…"
"Sookie slept with a gay guy?"
"No, a fairy," corrected the Viking, clearly not cottoning onto the fact that the professor wasn't sure there was a difference.
The professor shook his head. "Whatever, the point is she is a student in my class. I can't have her over to my house! It would be completely improper."
Eric growled in frustration. This human version of himself was completely irritating. If he hadn't "seen" the guy in action—and really, for a human, he did have skills—he would swear that he bore no resemblance to the original. "Would it be 'improper,'" and he used air quotes to make his point, "if you were to invite several students to your home for Thanksgiving? Then, there would be no hint of impropriety. You are just a generous man, opening up your home to those unfortunate students who have nowhere to go. Of course, I would make sure the other students never arrived."
"You. Cannot. Kill. Coeds. Eric! What story do you think we're in—Sorority House Massacre?"
At least the vampire had the decency to look somewhat abashed. "Well, can I just kill Bill?" He said, grinning broadly at his own pun.
"You know, I'm not exactly sure why I'm listening to you. You've only managed to sleep with your Sookie once in twenty-four chapters, and a prologue!"
The Viking growled at him. "That is NOT my fault. FDM was set on having some drama, and well, I think it got away from her. If it were up to me, my Sookie would never leave the bed except to tend to her human needs," he said with a leer.
"You are a pig."
"And you are me."
"I know," the professor said looking at his couch with fondness. "Fine. I will try to contact Galla again, and ply her for information. It won't be cheap, though. I'll have to make several offerings of wine, and that woman has the tolerance of a biker twice her size. If it were Kristin, I might get away with a couple shots of vodka, but Galla? She worships at Bacchus' altar."
"I have every confidence in your ability to accomplish this task, professor. It won't be as hard as you think; Galla is quite enamored of you."
"She is? I had no idea."
"Have you looked at yourself lately, Eric? Besides, you can quote pornographic seventeenth-century poetry from memory. Is it any wonder that she has a crush on you? Oh, you'll be able to extract information from her, all right. I look forward to receiving your intelligence. Until next time," the vampire said as he opened the door. "Oh, and human? Nice tattoo."