A.N. Exactly what the title says. While I was writing this story, all this random stuff popped into my head and I thought you guys might like reading it. You could call this my attempt at complete and utter crack.
A military car pulled up in the street then and a group of people in military uniforms jumped out. Al recognized Colonel Roy Mustang and Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye right away, but the others were strangers. The soldiers moved into the courtyard and Ed stopped and waved a hand at them. Roy and Riza both approached Ed and Al registered looks of astonishment on their faces.
Then Ed turned slightly and Al finally caught a look at the one Ed was carrying. Dark gold hair, a rounded face, a wide smile…there was no doubt anymore…
"It's…that's…" Al stammered.
"Yep," Envy said cheerfully.
Al pressed his hand to the window.
"It's Fletcher!" Al yelped. "What the heck is he doing here?"
Envy frowned and peered out the window. His eyebrow twitched and he whirled around.
"WRATH! Get your scrawny ass up here! You transmuted the wrong kid!"
Family Reunions Are A Bitch
"That sounds like something my brother would say," Ed said softly. His smile vanished suddenly as he took in the state of Al's armor. "What the hell happened to you?!" he exclaimed.
Thrown by the subject change, Al stammered, "Um, I had some problems getting here…it's a long story…"
"Speaking of which," Ed muttered, turning to the other Alphonse with an expression that promised pain to come, "mind explaining who the hell you are?"
Alphonse flashed a hate-filled glare at Ed and Al then grinned mischievously. "I am…Alphonse Elric's twin brother!"
"Riiiiight," Ed said slowly. "Mind explaining how I never noticed that I had two brothers growing up?"
"Because of a long, complicated, detail-oriented, tragic past that neither your parents nor your childhood neighbors thought was wise to impart on you since for some long, complicated, detail-oriented, tragic reason it was necessary to keep me hidden for your entire lives until such time as I could appear just in time to provide an excellent plot for the entertainment of fanfiction junkies," Alphonse said smugly.
"…that makes no sense," Al said slowly.
"I know!" Alphonse said flippantly. "Isn't fanfiction great?"
Boredom Is A Dangerous Thing
Ed cleared his throat and decided to try a stab at conversation. "So what's up with you nodding off so much lately? Did you turn into a cat or something?"
Alphonse jumped a little and smiled sheepishly. "I don't know. I guess I've just been tired, that's all."
"Really?" Ed asked. "I honestly expected you to be bouncing off the walls today. I mean, come on Al! You've got your body back, we're going back to Risembool, I can finally resign from the military! Our lives are ours again!"
Alphonse nodded and looked back out the window. Ed ground his teeth and seethed silently.
"Want to play checkers?" Ed grumbled.
Ed nodded and continued to stare blankly out the window until it hit him what he had just consented to do with his brother. On a train, no less.
"What the HELL, Alphonse?!"
Before Al could make a decision, a pair of arms wrapped around Lust from behind and a man's unshaven face popped up over her shoulder. "Hey, hotness," he breathed in her ear.
Lust's lips grew tight in distaste. "Unhand me, weakling."
The drunk man laughed and staggered a little, but kept hanging on to her. Al watched the situation uneasily. The drunk was going to get himself killed if he kept this behavior up. Anxiously, Al looked around for something to draw an array with until he realized something…
"Colonel, is that you?!" Al exclaimed.
Roy, in the middle of trying to grope Lust, looked up with a dazed expression. "Al? I thought you were on a train to Risembool…?"
"That would be the fake Alphonse," Al said in exasperation. "We just had a conversation about this, didn't we?"
"Oh yeah," Roy mumbled with a sheepish grin. "I got a little sidetracked, if you know what I mean…"
"He's a suit of armor with the mindset of a ten-year-old," Lust said, rolling her eyes. "How on earth would he know what you mean?"
Roy cast Lust a devious grin. "Well, we are two experienced adults. We could always give him The Talk with a small practical demonstration…"
"I'm good thanks!" Al squeaked, fleeing toward the train station at a dead run while also trying very, very hard to banish the unsettling images in his head.
Trashing the OC
Al seemed about to respond when the back door of the train car flew open. Shawn glanced back and saw his mirror image for the first time as Envy dragged a very bruised Ed up the aisle.
"Brother!" Al shouted. He struggled to pull himself free of the claws holding him, but he couldn't move at all. "Brother!"
Ed's head snapped up at Al's voice and when he caught sight of Shawn his eyes widened in shock.
"You have got to be kidding me!" Ed muttered. Looking up at the ceiling, he bellowed, "Bad enough you make a creepy Al-look-a-like, but now you've got another one that looks like me?! Have some originality!"
Bookwrm389 glared at her computer screen, clearly not amused. Hey, at least it's not another Pride!Ed fic! And technically he's not YOU, he just LOOKS like you!
"Same difference!" Ed exclaimed. "What happened to the 'O' of 'OC', huh?"
Do you WANT me to make you two feet tall! I swear to God, I will!
"You wouldn't," Ed whispered in mortification.
And maybe I'll just bring the colonel here so he can point and laugh while I'm at it! Is there anyone else you'd like to attend the laugh-fest? I could have Winry build a teleportation device that will bring every one of your archenemies right here to laugh at the shrimp!
By this time, Ed was curled up in a corner in full-on sulk mode. Oddly enough, Tamaki Suoh had magically joined him and together their angst positively flooded the corner with dark colors and depressing squiggly lines.
Al looked up at the ceiling tentatively. "Don't you think that was overdoing it? Brother's sensitive…"
You Never Know…
"It's gibberish," Ed murmured.
Al looked from the array to Ed. "Huh?"
"It's the transmutation circle I found the kid in," Ed amended. "I've been trying to figure out how it works, but the truth is it doesn't. It's just a bunch of alchemic symbols and lines thrown together to look like a complex array. It's something anyone could create, even if they knew nothing about alchemy."
Al scrutinized the small piece of paper. "Are you sure it doesn't work?"
"Positive!" Ed said crossly. "I'm the prodigy, don't you think I'd know if it worked or not?"
"Have you tried it out?" Al inquired.
"Of course not!" Ed exclaimed. "Using a transmutation circle without knowing what it does is the height of stupidity! You could end up destroying everything and everyone around you or getting sucked straight to the Gate or--"
There was a sudden flash of light, which left spots dancing across his vision. Blinking them away, Ed came face to face with a very human, very naked Alphonse Elric sitting on the couch.
"Well that's awkward…" Winry mumbled.
The array lit up and in an instant the chains broke apart into dozens of pieces. Al stood quickly then froze when the lock clicked on the door. Envy!
Making a snap decision, Al snatched up the spike and, as soon as Envy stepped over the threshold, lunged forward and stabbed the spike into his skull. Blood spurted everywhere and Al gave an involuntary cry when a familiar face turned to him, golden eyes shining in betrayal.
"Et tu, Alphonse?" Ed choked. "Then fall, Edward!"
Envy dropped to the ground with a slack look on his face, his body twitching occasionally. Al tilted his head at the strange performance.
"Shakespeare?" Al asked incredulously. "Seriously?"
Envy giggled and turned over onto his back. Slowly, ever so slowly, he reached up and pulled the spike from his skull. It came free with a stomach-churning popping sound and he examined the bloodied metal with a deranged grin.
"Oh, happy dagger," Envy whispered dramatically. "This be thy sheath! There rust and let me die!"
Envy stabbed himself brutally and his insane cackles filled the room. Quietly, Al shuffled around the odd display and slipped out the door with a muttered, "Showoff."
"What about the Stones?" Ed asked bluntly. "You two survive on Red Stones, but I don't feel right letting you go if you're just going to start killing people like the other homunculi."
"You don't have to worry about that," Shawn said with an easy smile. "The Stones I created from Envy should last us awhile."
"And once they run out?" Ed persisted. "Then what?"
Shawn cast him a sinister grin and Ed felt an involuntary chill at the nape of his neck.
"You really want to know?" Shawn said softly.
"Um…kind of…yeah," Ed said uncertainly.
Shawn closed the distance between them and leaned forward until Ed felt the homunculus's hot breath tickling his ear.
"I'll give you a hint," Shawn breathed in a silky tone. "My real name is…Edward…Cullen!"
Oh shit, Ed thought as he felt a pair of fangs plunge into his neck. As if the fangirls didn't have enough to rave about!