Something was changing. Things were getting weird, and I wasn't sure if I knew how to handle it. If I was ready for it. If I wanted it.
Edward and I had been fucking for the past three years. Neither of us were looking for relationships, or had time for one, for that matter. He worked eighty plus hours at County as a trauma surgeon, and I put in almost as many hours as an ER nurse. We barely had enough time for sleep, so a social life outside of our current group of friends was not an option at this point in our lives.
We had met in undergrad. His sister was my roommate, Alice, and her boyfriend, Jasper, was the brother of Rosalie, who just so happened to date Edward's roommate, Emmett. The six of us had been best friends since college, and Edward and I watched on with happiness as Jasper proposed to Alice, and then Emmett to Rosalie on the day of Jasper and Alice's wedding. They were enraptured with married life, and constantly tried to convince Edward and me to find that same happiness. Our response was always the same. "When the fuck do we have time to date?"
It was true. While our friends pranced around with their significant other, Edward and I grew closer. Our mutual understanding of the pressures of school gave us a bond that we never shared with the rest of our friends. When everyone else was out at a club, drinking and dancing away the stress of the week, Edward and I would either be at my apartment or the library, studying. Our drinking consisted of a shared bottle of Jameson after a grueling final, and dancing only happened after we discovered the results of our semester grades. We quizzed each other, pinched a side when one of us would fall asleep, and pushed each other to go the extra mile. It worked. We worked.
Once Edward got into medical school, and I started the process of getting my masters, we tried to develop a life outside of each other. We scored a few dates every now and then, and had more than our share of one night stands. I had an off-and-on again thing with a neurosurgeon at the hospital I did clinicals at, but once I finished my rotation, I ended it. I didn't have time to keep up with anything more than a casual fling, and neither did he.
Edward briefly dated another med student named Tanya, but when she started to talk marriage and shit, Edward escaped that fast. Tanya dropped out of medical school three months after that, marrying a plastic surgeon whose income was comparable to Bill Gates. Edward received an invitation to the wedding, and we laughed together when we discovered her announcement pictures included a very obvious view of her new wedding gift from her husband-to-be. How she walked without bending over was beyond me.
Edward ended up at County to complete his residency after I told him I was taking the charge nurse position they had offered me. When the thought of apartment searching came up, he was the one to come up with the brilliant solution.
"Why not just share a place, Bella? I mean, it's not like we've got tons of one night stands coming back to our places anymore, and with the hours we'll be putting in, the chances of that will only decrease. And if the off chance that you and I find someone, whoever is in the relationship moves out."
It made sense, so I agreed. It seemed easy, and uncomplicated. Of course, when Alice and Rose found out, they became convinced that Edward and I were dating. The first time they brought it up, I spewed out the coffee I was drinking all over my shirt in laughter. Apparently, Edward's reaction was almost the same when Emmett and Jasper brought up the same idea.
It wasn't like that for us. We were just…. Edward and Bella. Friends, companions, roommates, study partners… we completed each other, in every platonic way.
That was, until three years ago.
Edward had been working at County for a year at this point. We were both on for a double that night, and it was brutal. Car accident after car accident, gun shootings, domestic violence… everything that could go wrong, went wrong, and they all came straight to us. We worked for 24 hours straight. My ER stayed full, and by the time I gave report to the nurse coming in, I was on autopilot.
I waited in the lounge for Edward to get off, and when I saw him walk in, I knew the night had gone just as bad, if not worse for him. His scrubs were covered in dried blood. The bags under his eyes were pronounced, and his beautiful green eyes held such weariness.
"Rough night?" I asked, standing up to take his hand.
He let out a humorless chuckle and pulled me to him, his arm wrapping around my waist.
"Unbelievably. I need a shower and coffee, and then sleep for the next three days."
I grinned. "I concur with your diagnoses, Dr. Cullen. Tori's?"
"Please", was his reply, and we left the hospital to head to our favorite diner. It was two blocks away from the hospital, and one away from our apartment. It had the best coffee, and pancakes so fluffy you thought you were eating clouds. We stayed there for about an hour, drinking coffee and eating our breakfast in comfortable silence. I knew once we got back to the apartment we'd fill each other in on our night, but this was our time to decompress.
As soon as the door to our apartment shut behind us, Edward sunk to the ground and leaned his head against the door, his hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose.
"Five people, Bella. I lost five people tonight. One of them was just five years old. Just a kid, Bella. She was just a kid. I did everything I could, I swear, she just kept bleeding and bleeding…" his voice trailed off, and a tear fell down his cheek. I knelt down next to him, swinging one leg over his lap, and sat on his thighs. Reaching one hand behind his neck, and the other up to brush his bronze hair off his forehead, I brought his head to my chest, and just held him as he silently cried.
I knew these days. I'd had these days, and I was never more grateful to come back to an apartment with Edward and just let it out.
We sat there for a while, rocking back and forth, when I finally stood up, pulling Edward with me. Silently, I led him to the shower, and started undressing him. This wasn't new, we'd often done this for each other after a particularly rough night. One of us would stay in our scrubs while we washed the other, comforting them the best we could. What happened next was new, however.
Suddenly, as my hands brushed his abs on their way down to untie his drawstring on his scrubs, Edward grabbed my wrists with one hand and pushed me back by the hip against the bathroom door with his other. His breathing deepened, while my breath started to come out in short, shallow, gasps at the feel of his body against mine. Everything was hard, everything was touching me, and the intensity was overwhelming. Before I knew what was happening, his lips came down upon mine, gently brushing at first, then becoming harder and more insistent. When the hand that was holding my hands over my head loosened its grip and slid down all the way to my neck, I gasped. He took that opportunity to slip his tongue in my mouth, and all rational thought left me. His taste, of coffee and maple syrup and Edward, was intoxicating
Why haven't I been tasting this all along? I thought to myself, as the hand behind my neck slipped to my hair, gently tugging to angle my face so he could go deeper.
Oh. Right. Cause he's my best friend and roommate, you idiot, and you're kissing him!
Abruptly I pulled away from the kiss, looking up at the hooded green eyes of my friend.
"Edward," I panted, still trying to catch my breath. "Edward, what are we doing?"
He was silent for a moment, and leaned down to rest his forehead against mine. Closing his eyes, he responded, "Please, Bella. Just please. I need this. It's been so long, and I just need to feel something other than stress and pain right now."
Seconds ticked away on the clock. I stared up at his closed eyes, deciding if I was willing to take this risk in our friendship, in our comfortable normalcy we had.
Edward was the only man in my life. I didn't date, and when I was asked out, I usually turned them down. No one was good enough, and even if they were, I just didn't have the time. I knew the same was true for Edward. We were each other's significant other, in every non-romantic way. If we did this, if we became each other's release, I didn't know what would happen. Would it be the same? Could we be the same? Could we…
Edward's hand was now running up and down from my thigh, to my hip, to my waist. His lips were attached to the side of my neck, gently kissing, biting, and sucking. A groan escaped me, and I could feel his lips curve upward into a grin.
Well, if we were going to do this, we were going to do it right. I pushed him back, and let out a small chuckle at his disappointed face. The second I took off my scrub top, however, his face turned from disappointment to a wonderfully sexy smirk. His long fingers trailed from my neck down to my bra covered breast, and he squeezed. My reaction was automatic, and I arched against the door, moaning. It never felt this good when I did it myself.
Pleased with my response, he brought his other hand to caress my other breast, and then squeezed harder, his lips at my ear, and his scruffy chin tickling my neck.
"Shit, Edward!" I moaned, trying to come to terms with wetness pooling in between my thighs.
A low chuckle was his response, and quickly he flicked off my bra and dove in to my chest, teasing and sucking and biting my hardened nipples. A tightening was occurring in my stomach, and I automatically arched into him, meeting a very hard and large part of his anatomy. My eyes widened, and as he looked up from his place on my chest, he smirked once more.
"Feels good, doesn't it" he said, winking at me
Oh no. He was not going to have all the fun. I pushed him inside the shower, turning on the water, and letting it soak through our pants. Kneeling down, I pulled his pants and boxers down, throwing them into a dripping wet heap on the floor outside the shower. Containing my excitement and sheer awe at the vision of perfection of male anatomy in front of me, I quickly took him in, licking and sucking all I could put in my mouth, going back and forth, and using my hand to take care of what my mouth couldn't. The groans coming from above me confirmed that I was successful, and when he reached down to jerk my head away, I stayed, sucking harder.
He came violently into my mouth, and I quickly swallowed. I glanced up to see him leaning against the tiled wall, panting heavily. He looked down at me, and I bit my lip, the corner of my mouth curving upwards.
"How's that for a release?"
He grinned down at me, and pulled me up against the wall, pinning me with his body. "Oh, honey, we're just getting started"
With that he attacked my neck with his lips, slowly working his way down to my chest, spending an immeasurable amount of time at my breasts. I could have probably come with that alone, but he noticed my grinding against his thigh, grinned at me, and kneeled down. Quickly discarding my drenched scrub pants and panties, he spread my legs and stared at my bare sex that was dripping not only from the water, but my arousal.
Putting one leg over his shoulder, and then the other, I was held against the wall, gripping his hair. With one lick down my folds, I was arching my back, moaning his name. He continued licking down my folds, going in, out, and around. He tongue circled my clit, and nibbled on the sensitive flesh of my folds. Without warning, his teeth descended once more onto my clit and I could no longer hold myself back as he bit down. My entire body clenched, and I saw stars.
When I opened my eyes, I was standing once more, held against Edward's chest. I raised my eyebrows at him, and he leaned down towards me ear and whispered huskily, "We're nowhere near done."
That was the first night I had sex in a shower. That was the first night I fucked Edward.
However, that was not that last.
For the next three years, Edward and I fucked whenever we wanted to, needed to, or had nothing else to do. He was my release. The stress at work lessened, I became tone in areas I didn't know needed to be toned, and my relationship with Edward didn't suffer. We stayed friends, with just a few added benefits.
It worked for us.
I told Alice one night, about a year in, but quickly had to stop her when she started talking about weddings.
"Alice, no. It's not like that for us." I tried to explain.
Her face was pure confusion. "But you two are together, you're having sex, you're..."
"We're fucking, Alice. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. We're just the release for each other that we both need. Anything else is just a figment of your imagination."
She brought it up a few more times after that, but after repeatedly shutting her down, she became silent on the subject. I'm sure she was still planning a wedding in her head, but that was a hopeless cause. Edward and I would never become anything more, that I was sure of. Oh, I'm sure that one day he'd find someone. He was a perfect specimen of a man; I was woman enough to admit that. A chiseled jaw that often held a five-o-clock shadow, deep green eyes that made your knees week, the epitome of sex-hair on top of his head… and that was just his face. He was 6'3 at least, long and lean, and perfectly sculpted. After three years of fucking, I appreciated his trips to the gym that brought home to me not only strong arms that could lift me, legs that could support me, and abs I could lick, but a sweaty, hot man, whose blood was pumping from adrenaline. Our best sex came after gym work-outs.
With that perfect of a creation, I knew my time with him wouldn't be forever. He was beautiful, and I was average. I kept myself in shape enough, and I wasn't ashamed to be naked, but I would never be the tall, tan, model–type that constantly threw themselves at Edward. I was short, no more than 5'4, with long brown hair and plain brown eyes. My skin refused to tan, staying pale all year long in defiance, and I always thought my lips were a little too big. I wasn't ugly, but nowhere near the perfection that Edward was.
Edward made me feel beautiful, though. Our sex was always hard, and rough, and dirty, and with one touch I could make him hard. I enjoyed that power. He had the same over me, though. A whisper of "fuck" in my ear had my panties soaked, and he knew it.
Our relationship worked. No one got hurt, everyone got off, and we were happy. Everything was fine.
Lately, however, things had changed. I didn't understand it, but I was still getting my release, so I didn't complain.
It was a Wednesday evening. I had just gotten off of a double shift, and was ready to go home and sleep. Edward would be on for another six hours, so as soon as I got in, I stripped down to my underwear and crashed.
When I woke several hours later, it was dark outside, and raining. Hearing the door shut and close, I rose from the bed and grabbed my robe to wrap around me.
Edward was sitting in the couch of the living room, head in his hands. Hoping tonight hadn't been too rough on him, I walked over to the couch and sat on the arm, rubbing Edward's back. I saw the tension he carried on his shoulder leave after a few minutes, then he stood up, bringing me up with him, holding me.
His arms wrapped around me, and I melted into him, feeling that piece of me that was missing whenever he was gone fall back into place.
For minutes we stood in the living room, just holding each other. The rain brought thunder and lightning with it, and I could see our shadow across the wall. We were made for each other. We fit.
Edward pulled back, and brought a hand to my face, cupping my cheek. "No matter what kind of day I've had, I always feel whole when I come back to you."
He was right. He made me feel whole. In every way. Why have I not realized this?
Leaning down, his lips brushed mine, back and forth, back and forth. So soft, so gentle, barely any pressure.
For some reason I was left breathless. I didn't understand. We'd kissed with more passion than this before, but never had I been left feeling like I was gasping for breath, gasping for something. I didn't know.
I didn't know it could feel like this.
His hand drifted from the small of my back to my hip, and gently squeezed. I arched into him at the motion, but instead of the frenzied fuck that normally followed, Edward just continued to kiss me. He ghosted my cheek, my eyelids, my forehead, my neck… something was stirring. Something was changing.
I noticed we had begun to move, and we'd ended up in my bedroom. My bed still unmade was lit up by the flash of lightening that silhouetted the room. I looked up to see Edward. His eyes were piercing, undressing me, undressing my clothes, my skin, my soul. I felt naked before him, and there was no way to hide.
"My beautiful Bella," he whispered against my lips. "My sweet, beautiful girl."
He reached in between us to untie the ribbon of my robe, and after another clash of thunder, I was left in nothing but my tank top and boy shorts.
Pushing me back onto the bed, Edward climbed over me, his eyes filled with emotion I wasn't sure if I was ready to accept. If I knew how to accept.
Seeing the fear and confusion in my eyes, he leaned down once more to press his lips against mine. "It's just me, Bella. It's just me."
His kiss deepened, and his tongue slid into my mouth, softly exploring the familiar territory like it was the first time. Keeping one hand on my cheek, he slid his other hand down to my waist, gently massaging. Something began to burn inside of me
"My beautiful girl. This is how it should have gone. Let me now, please. Let me." His voice pleading and I couldn't refuse.
"Yes," I breathed, and suddenly my tank top was gone. He reached with his mouth to kiss the swell of my breast; pressing open mouth kisses all the way around. His tongue grazed my nipple, and I gasped. His attention to my other breast was given by his hand, and all I could feel was Edward, feasting on me, devouring my breasts. Gently, he bit down, and then kissed it, suckling and licking. Moving his face to my other breast, he gave the same devoted attention, paying no attention to the wetness that saturated my panties, and was probably seeping through his scrub pants. I couldn't stop grinding against his thigh, anxious for release, but he payed me no heed. Gently he bit, pinched, rubbed, massaged, and licked. I couldn't hold back my moans, my crying out of his name.
This was different. This was new.
I reached up to cup his face in my hand, and when his eyes met mine, he smiled at my gasp.
"But… but when?" I questioned, my voice barely a whisper
Reaching down to claim my lips once more as his own, he kissed me thoroughly, with everything that was in him. I responded in kind.
When what felt like hours later he released me, he murmured against my lips, "I always have, my beautiful girl. I always have."
He moved to kiss away the tears that I didn't know had left my eyes. He straightened, and removed his shirt, and stripped his pants and boxers off. When I reached for him, he gently pushed away my hands.
"Not tonight, Bella. Tonight is you."
Kneeling down again, he continued his work. My stomach he blessed with his hands, my belly button he praised with his tongue. Whenever I arched into him, I could feel his desire pressing against my thigh, and all wanted was him. He was it. This was it. I was his goddess, and he was my faithful follower. I was his queen, he was my servant. I was his, and he was mine.
This was different. This was new. This was what I never knew I wanted.
I opened my eyes once more to see his head nestled between my thighs, his hands pushing down my panties and tossing them off the bed. His eyes focused on the part of my body that was drenched in want for him. His lips descended, and a kiss was placed on my lips. Another kiss. Another. His tongue slipped out and in me, and I gasped in spite of myself. He moved incessantly, purposefully, beautifully. All I could feel was the clenching of my walls and the movement of his tongue. A finger, then another, joined. Curling deep inside me, they caressed, touched, felt, and found. Stars flashed before my eyes, and I came undone, crying out to God and Edward.
When I came down, there was Edward once more, hovering above me.
"My beautiful Bella. Let me. Please, let me."
I heard his unspoken word, and for a moment, I froze, not knowing if I could handle this, if I could accept his.
His lips caressed my neck, and I acquiesced.
"Oh, Edward. Please. Always. Please."
His length was already pressed against me, and with a strangled cry that came from my throat, he entered me. My eyes were wide as I looked into his, and he smiled down at me.
"Home, dear Bella. I'm home"
Slowly, he began to move in and out of me. One arm beside my face, the other rubbing from my shoulder to my hip. I reached up around him and held him close to me, feeling the muscles in his back as he moved rhythmically inside of me. He reached down to kiss my shoulder, and in that moment, I gave him all of me. I was his, completely.
This was slow, this was music. This was different, and new, and I wanted it. Always.
I don't know how long we moved for. I don't know how long he stayed inside of me, and how long I kissed his lips, his neck, his chest, anything to show him that I felt the same, that I wanted the same.
He had to know. He needed to know.
I felt him harden, and my walls clenched. Everything came down to this moment. The buildup occurred, the intensity was overwhelming, and "Edward, Edward, Edward!" was all that I could think to say.
He reached down and kissed me, hard, and forcefully, and passionately, and we came. For a moment, the world ceased to exist. It was just me and Edward, and the stars that surrounded me. I couldn't breathe, and if I could always feel like this, I would gladly give up air.
All too soon, I came down from heaven, and I held on to Edward, clinging desperately to him.
He moved in me. Everything moved. Every breath I drew was a hallelujah.
Rolling to the side, and taking me with him so we stayed connected, Edward looked into my eyes.
This was new. This was different. This is what I always wanted, and I couldn't imagine life any way else.
"Edward… I…" I tried. I tried to get the words out, to let him know, to tell him everything, but I didn't know how.
He smiled at me, that beautiful crooked grin, with those sparkling eyes, and kissed the tip of my nose.
"I know, beautiful. I know. Me too."
And with that, we'd said it all. And it was beautiful. It was perfect. It was heaven.