INT.- KIRA INVESTIGATION HQ COMPUTER ROOM- Afternoon- EST.

FADE IN

L is sitting in an office chair by the computer desk, flanked by LIGHT, who is typing hastily with his eyes glued to the screen. L looks a bit agitated for some reason. He keeps looking down at his stomach periodically, furrowing his brow in frustration every time he does. L growls in his throat suddenly, resting his chin on his fit, elbow resting on the table.

LIGHT:
(stops typing, turns to face L)
Is something wrong, Ryuzaki?

L:
Yes. Something is wrong. Something is very wrong.

LIGHT:
Well, what is it? Did one of your plans fail for once?

L:
Don't be ridiculous, my plans never fail. (LIGHT rolls his eyes at this statement.) I'm actually gaining weight.

LIGHT:
(is clearly unimpressed)
So?

L:
(surprised)
'So'? What do you mean, 'So'?! I've never gained any weight in my life! (points to his stomach) Look!

LIGHT:
(leans over to examine L's said stomach fat. After a beat)
I think you're overreacting, Ryuzaki. I don't see anything.

L narrows his eyes, looking a little annoyed. He pulls up his shirt to reveal his pale, now slightly protruding stomach. LIGHT's eyes widen in surprise at L's newly gained weight.

LIGHT:
(sheepishly)
Oh.

L:
(pulls down shirt)
It's really been annoying me! I feel like… I'm pregnant, or something!

NEAR has unnoticeably entered the scene, putting papers away and taking some as well. He is carrying a folder under his arm, and looks impassive like he usually does.

NEAR:
(blankly, without looking at L)
That's because you are.

L:
(turns to NEAR)
Ha. Ha ha ha. Very funny, Near. Please be quiet, I'm trying to panic over here. (Turns away from NEAR)

NEAR:
(looks at L)
No, I'm serious, you are.

L:
(stares blankly into space for a moment, then slowly turns to NEAR, eyebrow cocked in bewilderment)
What?

NEAR:
(shrugs)
I'm sorry, but I'm not kidding. You are officially pregnant.

There is an awkward silence. Abruptly, L and LIGHT burst into hysterical laughter, much to NEAR's dismay. He narrows his eyes in frustration, crossing his arms and tapping his foot.

L:
(recovering from laughing fit)
Oh, Near! You are truly hilarious! You had me fooled for a second. It's just a little malfunction in my system is all, and I gained a pound or two. No big deal, really. Then again, I'll have to start exercising and—

NEAR:
(sourly)
Ryuzaki, I'm not joking. You, honestly, are pregnant. End of story. Period.

L:
(dumbstruck)
…Oh my God. I'm carrying a child in my… wait a minute, since when?

NEAR:
(a little awkwardly)
Uhm… where to begin… okay, you remember when Watari forced you into going to the doctor's for an appointment?

L nods reluctantly, apparently not liking the memory.

NEAR: (CONT'D)
And you remember how they needed that urine sample from you?

L scrunches up his nose in disgust, and nods reluctantly again.

NEAR: (CONT'D)
Yeah… well, they mixed up your sample with another person's there on the same day; a lady's to be exact. The woman thought she was pregnant at the time, and the doctors recommended they do a pregnancy check. Uh… they thought her result came out positive… but they found out later that the sample was yours… so…

L:
(utterly shocked; panicking)
Holy crap! I'm freaking pregnant! (runs fingers through hair nervously, pointing around the room and making random hand gestures.) B-b-but, you, I, he, and-and-and… HUH?!

NEAR:
(shrugging)
I don't know what to tell you, Ryuzaki. I wish I did, but I don't.

L:
But, wait! I can't be pregnant! I'm a man!
(beat)
…Aren't I? (pulls on waistline of pants, looking down to genital area.)

NEAR rolls his eyes and shakes his head at the gesture. LIGHT does a facepalm, muttering things like "Oh God…" and "That is just plain wrong…"

L: (CONT'D)
Yeah! I'm a man! Women are the ones who get pregnant, not the males! So your logic doesn't make any sense, Near.

NEAR turns around to pull papers out of his folder, which he had set on the computer desk earlier. While NEAR has his back to him, L immaturely sticks out his tongue at him.

INSERT- PAPERS

NEAR:
Here, let me show you. (gives papers to L, who flips through them looking bewildered) See? Men can just as easily have children as women.

L:
(throws papers onto the floor, much to NEAR's dismay)
Ugh! I can't believe this is happening to me! (looks down at stomach again, pressing on it with fingers) Where's the baby even at?!

LIGHT:
And not only that, who's the father?

L:
Yeah! Just who was the moron who gave me this… thing inside of me?

NEAR:
(turns to both of them, smiling nervously.)
Do you really want to know?

L: LIGHT:

Hell

yes! Hell yes!

NEAR:
Okay… here goes… Light.

LIGHT:
Yeah?

NEAR:
No, it's you.

LIGHT:
What?

NEAR:
(the slightest bit flustered)
You! You are the father!

LIGHT:
(very shocked, gaping. After a beat)
I'm the father?

NEAR:
Yes. Yes, you are.

LIGHT:
(still gaping, after a beat)
Me? I am the father?

NEAR:
(becoming quite annoyed)
Yes!

LIGHT:
(after a short pause)
I'm the fath—

NEAR:
(loses temper, yells)
Yes! Yes, you are the father! I've said it four times, do NOT make me repeat myself!

LIGHT:
…How the hell did this happen?

NEAR:
I don't know! It just did, okay?

L:
Good God, this isn't happening! I'm freaking pregnant, and Light's the father! (buries face in hands, shaking his head, words are muffled) Why, oh, why, oh, why? Why me? Why me?

NEAR:
(puts hand on L's shoulder)
Don't worry, Ryuzaki. I'll go through with this with you. Light will too… but that's a given, seeing as he's the father.

L:
(looks up)
Really?

NEAR:
You have my word for it.

L:
Oh, thank God! You're a real life-saver, Near. Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel like my bladder is going to explode if I don't do something about it. (Gets up and leaves casually)

NEAR:
(sighs)
I have a feeling this is going to be a very long nine months.

FADE OUT

END OF EPISODE 1


Oh, man, this thing was a bitch and a half to edit to get it right! -passes out-

Anyways, I did this in the form of a screenplay because one day I hope to cosplay it! And if any of you and your Death-Note cosplaying friends want to reenact this, feel free to ask! I'd love to see it! ^w^ This is an ametuer screenplay, seeing as I didn't obey some of the rules, but I still think it's pretty good.

If you're wondering why Near is in teh Kira Investigation HQ, don't ask. He's there because I said so, as are Mello and Matt, but they'll be coming in later.

Tell me what you think!!! I want to know!

Thanks you! Reveiws are rewarded with Kudos and a muffin! Not just any muffin, a magical rainbow muffin! 8DDDD

~UltraVioletSpectrum (aka Mo)