To the wonderful ladies of saxon_jesus, especially Em2, as a token of my sincere gratitude, and as an indication of how superior your writing is to mine.

I do not own D. Gray-man.

It was about eight o'clock one evening when Allen finally abandoned his usual dining table to turn in for the night. Good thing too, because that poor wooden table couldn't hold an eleventh course, and even Allen thought he heard the bench sigh in relief when he got up. He was about to turn into the hall that led back to his room when he came upon Lenalee wishing Miranda a good night. Allen decided to be the gentleman ―unlike someone else he knew who got up and left without a word the minute he finished his soba― and offered to walk with Lenalee back to her room.

And so, they walked together to Lenalee's room; it was a floor above, and a few corridors over, from the dining hall. Allen decided to take this time to "deepen" his "relationship" with the girl, and engaged in a quiet chit-chat up the stairs, and through the halls. They were just at the end of her hallway when she gently touched his arm and stopped walking.

"What's wrong?" Allen asked, concerned. 'Maybe her legs are sore,' he thought to himself. 'That Level 2 she got yesterday was pretty tough; maybe she pulled something. Maybe it hurts for her to walk any further. Maybe… she wants me to carry her the rest of the way? Over the threshold? Like we're married? And in lo―'

"Allen!" Allen jumped a foot off the ground. "Don't fall asleep on me, okay?" Luckily for Allen, she didn't seem too put-off by his lack of attention, especially not when she smiled up at him in a way that made her whole face glow. "I imagine you're pretty tired, but I've just got to stop and give Kanda-kun these hair ties," she said, pulling a little bag out of her pocket.

The glow Allen was only just beginning to love suddenly disappeared at the mention of that infernal bastard's name.

"Oh, sure," he replied, with a smile more fake than Bookman's hair. "Um, go right ahead," he said as he stepped aside of the door and stood (albeit, dejectedly) along the oak paneling that lined the hall. Really though, he wanted to run back down those stairs and away from that portal of doom. But Allen stayed there by the wall, resigned to his fate, as Lenalee raised her hand to knock on Kanda's door.

Then she heard it; a muffled sound that barely permeated the solid oak door.

"Lavi, what are you doing?" It was definitely Kanda's voice, but it had a tired, almost pleading, strain to it that Lenalee had never heard before. She put her hand down and pressed her ear to the door. She heard another noise, one like mattress springs creaking.

"Hm? I'm gonna help you out of these, Yuu-chan," Lavi stated playfully as he leaned on the mattress.

"I don't need help getting them off," the dark haired boy half-growled. He tried to sit up. Lavi sat on his legs.

"Oh no you don't, Yuu-chan," Lavi chided as he put a hand to Kanda's chest and pushed him back onto the pillow. "Lemme do this for you, please?"

Kanda sighed. "Fine," he whispered back. He closed his eyes and bent an arm over his face.

"Is Yuu-chan blushing?"

"No! Shut up. If you're going to do it, then just do it already."

Lavi sat back on his heels. "Aye, aye, boss."

Then the sound of a zipper.

Lenalee's knees bent, she sank to the carpet below, and oh my goodness, she could not believe what she was hearing. Allen, on the other hand, was confused, and he took a step forward as she slid to the floor. 'Maybe her legs were sore and she was just too embarrassed to tell me,' he thought.

"Lenalee," he started.

"Shh!" Lenalee raised one finger in front of her mouth and scowled at him before placing her ear back on the door. Then her eyes turned down, a little, as if she was concentrating. Apparently something of interest was happening on the other side of the door, so Allen crouched down, too. He pressed his ear to the door alongside Lenalee's.

"Jeez, Yuu-chan, why'd you gotta buckle this so tight?"

"To keep them from falling down, retard."

Then only the rustling of clothing could be heard.

"Laviii…" Kanda almost whined. His voice was barely above a whisper now.

"Heh," Lavi mumbled something unintelligible. "It's hard, sorry," he said before reaching back down again.

"Don't apologize, baka, just do it again… harder," the reclining man said through clenched teeth. Lavi did it again.

"Hnnngh!"

Allen didn't remember closing his eyes, but at that moment they shot open. Exponentially. That was Kanda making those noises. The noises he hadn't heard since he was with Cross, but were burned into his memory nonetheless. 'Well, it's about time," he thought.

"Haa… haa…" Both boys were panting now.

"I said," Yuu took a breath, "harder! You call that hard― A-aah," Kanda curled the hand that wasn't over his face tightly into the sheet. His other arm quivered just enough for Lavi to notice.

"A-again! Harder!"

"Quit being a bossy-bottom, Yuu-chan."

"A what?!" he squawked, indignantly. "Uunhh… aah, Lavi, Lavi, RabiRabiRabi― Ow! What the fuck are you doing down there?"

Lavi looked up at his vict― friend. Kanda lay there, blushing, with a look not unlike one of ravished pleasure-pain. His hair was mostly out of his customary ponytail and spilled about the pillow like a veil of black silk. His right hand was still wound in the sheets, but his left hand had dropped away from his face as he gasped for air. Lavi could see his eyes now; they shone like pieces of deep, blue glass. Laying there, quivering and vulnerable, Kanda looked utterly debauched.

"Don't pull so hard," Kanda panted. "Are you trying to pop my hips out?"

"Just tryin' to speed up the process. We'll be done here in no time, Yuu-chan!"

"Quit calling me tha―ahh!"

On the other side of the door, Lenalee felt herself grinning. She felt something like a proud parent. 'Oh, Kanda-kun, I'm so proud you finally found someone who makes you happy… I'm so glad you took my advice and gave Lavi a chance. I always knewyou two belonged together! And here you are, and here I am, listening in on your First Time… with Allen. Behind your door.' There was a pause in her thoughts.

"Damn, this would be so much better without the door," Lenalee muttered unconsciously under her breath. She looked up to see Allen staring at her owlishly.

"Er, I'm sure you didn't mean to, and I apologize for accidently overhearing, but, um… you just said that out loud."

"I, oh, um… " she frantically grasped for the right words, for a ladylike way to explain herself, for a believable ―if not completely fabricated― excuse to get her out of this terrible―

And then Komui walked over.

"I hope I didn't interrupt something, Mr. Walker," he said after slowly lowering his coffee mug from his mouth. Behind his glasses, he glared daggers of brotherly love from all-seeing eyes. Allen felt a bead of sweat run down the back of his neck.

"O-oh, of course not, sir. We were, I mean, we just," he stammered as he suddenly found it very difficult to breathe.

"Hmm?" Komui raised one thin eyebrow.

"We, uh, K-Kanda's…" Allen, that brave little fool, tried again.

"We were just discussing Kanda-kun's innocence, brother!" Lenalee said, and none too soon.

Would he, Komui Lee, Lenalee's own brother, fall for that?

"Kanda's Innocence, you say?" he took a sip of coffee, "Well, okie-dokie then. You two have fun!"

Yes. Yes he would.

They were both noticeably sweating by now. Lavi reached up over Kanda's spread-eagled form and pushed aside the fringe that had become plastered to the swordsman's face.

"D-don't touch me," he tried ―and failed― to sound intimidating.

Lavi just patted his cheek and said, "Oh, you wanna finish it yourself? By all means…" He made to get off the bed when he felt something catch on his sleeve. He looked down; it was Kanda's pale, slim hand. Kanda had sat up halfway, his weight on his other arm bent by the pillow. His dark eyes held a desperation the other man hadn't known he was capable of.

"Please, no."

Lavi hadn't known he was capable of begging, either.

"I mean, I… don't go yet. I―We're more than half there…"

"Okay, okay," said the redhead as he smiled gently back at the prostrate man beneath him. "Here, I think I can get a finger in now…"

Outside, Allen almost fell over. Lenalee's face started to turn a vibrant shade of pink.

"It's still tight," Lavi said. Kanda squirmed uncomfortably beneath him. "I'm not hurting you, am I?

"No, just… pressure," Kanda replied.

"Okay, good."

Then Lavi curled his finger and pulled with his other hand. Kanda moaned, he screamed.

"Nnnngh…. Lavi! Lavi…. God, RABI! Ahh…. AHHH!"

Kanda's neck arched beautifully seconds before he collapsed back on to the mattress. His eyes remained shut as he gasped for air. Lavi sat back, enjoying his handiwork.

"Well. Now that I know the best way to do this…" he said, licking his hand, "On to round two!"

"They're going a second time?" Allen whispered, shocked.

"Well, I guess Kanda-kun has enough stamina…" replied Lenalee, although she looked surprised, too. 'But hey,' she thought, 'when you're in love…' And by now she was pretty sure they were lovers.

"Wait, no." Kanda exclaimed, sitting up. His eyes were open now.

"No, Yuu-chan, you're not done, yet," Lavi said, shoving the other boy back down. The two outside heard the 'whumf' from the pillow when Kanda made contact.

"Lavi, Lavi, no!" Kanda hissed, trying to get back up. Lavi ignored his commands and pushed harder on Kanda's chest with his hand. Kanda was too exhausted to fight it much.

"No! Stop it, my leg still hurts," Kanda said, still trying to escape his captor.

"Quiet, Yuu-chan. You'll wake the neighbors," Lavi said with a grin that was much more predatory than Kanda ever remembered it. He leaned over and pushed his finger in.

'Ow! Aahh…. Nooo," Kanda gasped, then whimpered, as Lavi stroked the inside of his leg.

"Hmm… this is tighter than before," Lavi stated as he wiggled his finger around. Suddenly, he pulled it out with a 'pop'.

"Get off of me, you stupid rabbit!"

Lavi's face darkened as he leaned up over the other man, pinning his arms to the mattress. Emerald met Prussian blue when Lavi locked his eye with Kanda's. He spoke, soft and deep, but laconically, and Kanda could tell that he was frustrated, too.

"No. I started this, and now I'm gonna finish it. Take it like a man, Yuu,"

Kanda felt something ―panic?― start to rise in his chest at the loss of his nickname, but his pride, and ego (which still insisted that he was a badass, killing machine), fought against his… cowardice. No matter what, Yuu Kanda would not allow himself to be labeled a coward (even if he was the one labeling himself), despite the compromising circumstances.

But that wouldn't stop him from voicing his displeasure at the situation. He kept his arms down, but raised his head as he saw Lavi position himself between his legs again.

"And I said, get the fuck off of me, you sonuva― Ah!" he gasped as Lavi stuck something decidedly larger than his finger inside.

It was his hammer.

Then, with both hands, he jerked Kanda, hard. Kanda's broken scream filled the musty bedroom air.

"No, Rabi, yamete!"

Allen was paler than normal. Sure, he disliked Kanda, but his screams sounded so… pained. He glanced at Lenalee. She was shaking in what he first thought was fear, but then he saw her face: she was positively livid.

"That no-good, filthy, liar!" she hissed, seething. "How dare he, HOW DARE HE, seduce Kanda-kun!? Force himself on him!? I always knew you couldn't trust him, Allen!" Her face was very close to Allen's as she shook him violently by the shoulders.

"W-what do you think we should do," Allen asked once his head stopped flopping about. "Should I get someone?"

"Ah-ahh, no, stop!"

Then a crack, and a thump like a body hitting the floor.

'Did that bastard just hit my Kanda-kun?!' Lenalee thought as she rose from the carpet. At that point, Kanda's gasps and screams could be easily heard throughout the hall.

"Lenalee, what should we―" Allen slowly got up, too.

"I'm going in," Lenalee answered, her voice as strong as steel. "INNOCENCE, ACTIVATE!"

Her Dark Boots glowed with a faint crimson light in the half-lit hallway. 'Crimson, like Kanda-kun's virgin blood!' she thought grimly as she raised one long leg to the door.

"Lenalee! Please wai―" Allen reached for her shoulder.

"Gah! Stop! Ah- AAHHH!!!"

SLAM.

The door flew into the room before snapping off its hinges and hitting the stone floor with a resounding thud.

"Get off of my Kanda-ku..." Lenalee's shout faded into silence. Lavi was off of Kanda-kun. In fact, Lavi was slumped against the wall across from the foot of the bed. The foot board was cracked and bent almost ninety degrees.

Allen's eyes quickly spotted Kanda lying on his bed, fully clothed. Except for his boots. Allen noticed one of them halfway under the bed. The other one was by Lavi.

"Wait, w-what happened? What were you guys doing in here?" Lenalee asked, taking in the odd scene as well.

Kanda was glaring intently at his sheets, both of his hands were fisted in embarrassed rage. Lavi sat up shakily and answered.

"I was helpin' Yuu get his boots off."

"What?" Allen and Lenalee said, as one.

"Yeah," Lavi continued, "Yuu's been havin' a hard time getting his new boots off. The leather hasn't been broken in much yet, and there's all these straps on 'em, but only this short zipper near the top of the calf." He said, holding the boot next to him up. "And wouldn't you know it, the zipper on this one got jammed! I couldn't find a shoe horn in here, so I had to use the pole-end of my hammer to help pull it off him!" Lavi scratched the back of his head and grinned like an idiot.

"Oh," said Lenalee, quietly.

Allen promptly passed out on the floor.