Martin the Warrior, (really really) abridged.

CHAPTERS 1-8.

Someplace outside Redwall Abbey, Mossflower, MANY MANY YEARS/SEASONS/WHATEVER AFTER THE MAIN STORY. THIS IS WHAT WE CALL A 'PROLOGUE'

Aubretia the Mouse: S'up kids.

Dibbuns Playing Outside: Hey there pretty lady. Want to see my abbey?

Aubretia: I'm confused as to what that was supposed to mean, but yes.

Her Hedgehog Friend: Not like we just came here from a place called Noonvale JUST FOR THAT PURPOSE or anything.

Aubretia: Does that count as foreshadowing?

Hedgehog Friend: Take us to your leader.

REDWALL ABBEY

Some Mouse: Wow, who's that babe?

Aubretia: Babe? I'm actually pretty old.

Some Mouse: Uh… it's a term that… uh… nevermind.

Aubretia: I look like a long-deceased mousemaid that may or may not be a crucial element to your abbey.

Abbot Saxtus: Well, since this is the Jacques-Required-Pre-story-Introduction Scene, I guess you're going to have to tell us all about it.

Aubretia: Alright. So you all know that mouse in yonder tapestry over there?

Redwallers: Duh. That's Martin the Warrior.

Aubretia: Let me tell you about him.

Kids: Oh boy! Story time!

Aubretia: Settle down and grab a pipe, this is going to take a while.

Hedgehog Friend: Can I go to the bathroom first?

Aubretia: NO! This is the last time we'll be seen for at least thirty chapters!

Hedgehog Friend: But I -

SOMEPLACE FAR FAR AWAY, MANY YEARS AGO, I'M GUESSING TO THE SOUTH, AT A HALF-BUILT FORT ON THE BEACH WHERE THE REAL STORY STARTS

Badrang the Evil Stoat: I am Badrang, I am a stoat, and I am therefore the evilest of all.

Young Slave's Testimony: Oh yes, he is evil. He collects innocent creatures and enslaves them, forcing them to build a fort for him where he will continue to enlarge his empire, called Marshank!

Readers: How evil!

Young Slave's Testimony: And his captains whip us and don't let us bathe and starve us and we have to sleep in a weird roofless hut and sometimes they... they… they make us COOK FOR THEM.

Readers: How TERRIFYINGLY evil!

Young Slave's Testimony: But strangely enough, we all get dental. *shows off pearly-white teeth*

Readers: Huh.

Hisk the Weasel Captain: Back to work! What is this, a weekend getaway?

Young Mouse: *flat stare*

Hisk the Weasel Captain: Um, right, carry on then.

Badrang: So, when's my uber-fort of damnation and domination going to be finished?

Hisk: Er, not for a while, sir.

Badrang: What am I paying you for? It would be in your best interest to FINISH IT SOON.

Hisk: Eep! You! Old thing! You should be working!

Old Squirrel: I am!

Hisk: It looks like you're just eating dirt.

Old Squirrel: Same thing.

Hisk: *whips him, but the whip catches Old Squirrel's footpaw and he falls down*

Hisk: Hah haha! I will continue to beat you because I am cruel and my boss is watching!

Young Mouse: *steps in and catches the whip mid-swing*

Hisk: Dude, what? Let go! What are you – argh!

Young Mouse: *starts beating Hisk with his own whip, then - holy crap - tries to strangle him*

Readers: *look around nervously* This is a Redwall book?

Author: Oh yeah. And it gets better.

All Other Captains: *run to the scene and start to beat Young Mouse senseless*

Badrang: Hey! What's going on here? *The captains lay off to reveal angry, snarling, and beaten Young Mouse*

Badrang: I remember you. You're the young mouse I ganked from the north shores, always causing me trouble and holding some rather uncalled-for hostility! If you don't calm down, I'll kill you with this sword.

Young Mouse: THAT SWORD RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO ME, MARTIN SON OF LUKE, YOU SOGGY-BOTTOMED TRAMPFACE.

Badrang: Oh, right. Wouldn't it suck if I killed you with it?

Martin: RAGE.

Badrang: What's your name, boy?

Martin: MARTIN SON OF LUKE. I TOLD YOU THAT, ASSHAT. AND IF I WAS YOUR BOY I'D HANG MYSELF. GO DIE.

Badrang: What aggression! Well, let's see if a bit of rain won't cool you off, harharhar!

Ominous Storm: *begins to brew*

SOMEWHERE SLIGHTLY FARTHER AWAY

Pretty Mousemaid Whom Aubretia Looks Like: If you don't mind I'm going to start singing, because I need to establish that I am a wonderful singer, even though we're perilously close to the uber-fort of damnation and domination where my brother was doubtlessly taken, and therefore may get us both captured as well.

Mole Companion: Rock on.

Readers: Haaaaaa. He's a mole, and he said rock on. I GET IT.

Mole Companion: Also, I will not speak molespeak, cause it's bloody hard. Now, back story time! I am Grumm Trencher, this is Laterose of Noonvale, and we're questing to bring back her brother Brome, who has a temper and a slight obsession we won't mention yet and took off and got himself captured (we think) and is an important character for the book's side-plot! Well not really he's pretty useless but you won't find that out until chapter whatever.

Laterose: Yup. Now make me some soup, tomorrow we approach the uber-fort of damnation and domination where our lives will probably be forever changed.

Grumm: I do like soup.

IN THE SLAVE COMPOUND

Old Squirrel, Actually Named Barkjon: Oh dear! And to think it's my fault Martin's up there! If only we could help him!

His Son, Felldoh: This is nothing. The scavenger birds that come tomorrow will rip him piece by piece.

Barkjon: Oh damn.

Felldoh: You know, like zombies. First they rip off your arms… then your legs… then bits of your neck… then your stomach… blood spurting everywhere…

Barkjon: What kind of movies are you watching?

Felldoh: The bad Saturday night Sci-fi ones.

Barkjon: Son, you have issues.

Felldoh: Yeah, but that hasn't been revealed yet.

OUTSIDE, IN THE MIDDLE OF A REALLY BAD STORM

Martin: *tied between two posts* Just in case this wasn't clear, I hate you ALL.

Flashback Time: *has arrived*

FLASHBACK: NORTHERN SHORES, MANY A SEASON AGO

Young Martin: Dad, you can't leave. That's abandonment, not to mention child neglect, and I'm pretty sure it'll give me issues when I'm older.

Martin's Dad, Luke: Nah. Despite the fact that vermin have come to these shores in the past and even killed your mother, I think everybeast will be fine until I come back! Besides, your grandma will take care of you!

Veteran Readers: *pause for irony*

Martin: Well, at least put me in charge, not that uppity jerk Timballisto.

Luke: Son, you're still a dibbun. What are you going to rule with, your bib?

Martin: I hate you. I hate you a lot.

Luke: What was that?

Martin: Nothing.

Luke: Look son, I have to leave to avenge my dead wife and fallen tribesmice, killed by the evil Vilu Daskar. That's an important plot point in another book, remember that. I simply can't take you with me, you've got your own books to feature in! Okay, I know. Here, have my sword.

Martin: For cereal?

Luke: I'm super cereal.

Martin: Now I know how Luke felt when he got his first lightsaber!

Luke: Stay here and protect the tribe, the weak, the lame, the innocent, the funny-looking ones, and the smelly ones. Never trust a beast who wears velvet, remember the warrior's code, and that the milk goes bad in three days.

Martin: I can barely lift the sword though!

Luke: You'll be fine. See you when I come back!

Veteran Readers: *headdesk headdesk headdesk*

ANOTHER FLASHBACK, A FEW SEASONS LATER

Martin: Timballisto is an uppity jerk! I'm going to go sulk far away from the caves where it's dangerous and leave an obvious trail and take my new shiny pokeystabbeyrippything with me to chop firewood so I don't get in trouble!

Martin's Grandma Windred: Lackaday, idiot grandson! Do you know how far from the caves you are? We could be ambushed by vermin this very moment!

Badrang: Hey girl hey.

Windred: Oh snap.

Martin: Hey, leave her alone! I'll fight you with this sword I still can't carry! Nngghh-nevermind.

Badrang: Take 'em, boys! And let me see that shiny pokeystabbeyrippything!

BACK AT MARSHANK

Martin: …And that's how I got captured, had my father's lightsaber taken from me, was forced to march in slave lines, had to watch my own grandmother die and leave her corpse to rot, and then was forced to build that stoat a fort under atrocious conditions.

Readers: You know you're reading a Redwall book when the characters go through stuff that would land humans in an asylum.

Martin: BAADRAAAANG! I'M MARTIN SON OF LUKE THE WARRIOR! YOU'RE JUST A PANSY AND BY MY FATHER'S SWORD I WILL BREAK YOU, MESSILY AND PAINFULLY! I SWEAR IT!

Readers: Why is he shouting? It's not like anybeast can-

Far-off Voice of Destiny: *shouting across the storm* S'up, Martin.

Martin: Hey. Who're you?

Far-off Voice: I'm Laterose, Daughter of Urran Voh, Chief of Noonvale! Call me Rose! (Oh, and that's Grumm.) Anyway, so, I know you're, like, suffering up there and stuff, but would you happen to know my brother, a beast called Brome, by any chance? We're here to save him. Not you.

Martin: Um, no, and I won't have any chance to. Have you noticed I'm tied to two poles here, and am sentenced to death by the morrow?

Rose: Oh, right. Well that sucks.

Martin: Yeah.

Rose: Yeah. Soooo… want me to, like… send somebeast a message…. Or something…?

Martin: Dude, I have nobeast. I'm going to die here. Even if I survive the storm, the birds are going to eat me. Like zombies.

Rose: Right, right. That's pretty terrible.

Martin: Yeah.

Rose: Yeah.

Martin: ….

Rose: ….

Martin: SO CAN YOU HELP ME?

Rose: Alright, alright, keep your knickers on, I'll try to figure something out.

Martin: … *silent*

Rose: Hello? Can I hear some gratitude?

Martin: ….

Grumm: Dude's passed way out, yo. Must be all the yelling and expectant silences.

Rose: Huh. That sucks. He's pretty cute, you know, for a rodent. Even though he looks rather pitiful up there. We gotta try to save him!

Readers: OH THE STIRRINGS OF YOUNG LOVE!

Veteran Readers: *sob*

THE NEXT DAY, THE STORM HAS PASSED, AND THE GULLS THEY ARE A-CIRCLIN'

Badrang: Gyahaha, time to die, my pretty! You, fugly! Git up there and wake up sleeping beauty!

Gurrad the Rat: *gets up there and wakes up sleeping beauty by slapping him* Here, princess, have some water.

Martin: *drinks some but spits the rest in Gurrad's face* Bitch, who you callin' princess? I kick your ass, boy!

Readers: Whoa, whoa! Children's book!

Martin: Oh right. Ahem. What did you call me you… jerk? I'll whoop your… butt!

Gurrad: For all your threatening street slang, the garnets look pretty hungry!

Martin: …Oh snap.

The Slaves Gathered Below To Watch Martin Die: Hell's bells!

Soundtrack: DUN DUN DUN

HIDDEN A LITTLE FARTHER AWAY

Rose: Look! Fierce scavenger birds are circling around Martin!

Grumm: Oh, hell's bells!

Soundtrack: DUUUN DUUUN DUUN

EVEN SLIGHTLY MORE FURTHER AWAY, AT SEA

Cap'n Tramun Clogg: *is ugly*

His Ship: *is approaching Marshank*

Some Corsair: LAND HO!

Cap'n Clogg: Har harr! It's high time we paid me bucko Badrang a visit, eh?

Some Corsair: Aye, just a friendly visit!

Cap'n Clogg: Yeah, real friendly. His throat's about to be great friends with my dagger, see!

The Whole Crew: *evil laughter*

Readers: I SMELL A SIDE-PLOT!

Soundtrack: DUUUUUUN DUUUUUUUN *gasp* DUUUUUUUUN

BACK AT MARSHANK

Martin: Well, I've lived a shitty life, and never amounted to anything, and couldn't even keep my promises, but… I guess death by painful pecking isn't so bad.

Birds Swooping Closer: Creeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Martin: I TAKE IT BACK, I'M TOO YOUNG AND FULL OF POTENTIAL TO DIE! I HAVE TWO MORE BOOKS TO FEATURE IN! AAAAARGH!

Veteran Readers: Don't forget a whole series of cameos.

Birds Swooping Closer: *diving in for the kill when suddenly a horrible screech cuts through the air* What the…

Badrang And Others: What the?

Really Horrible Screech: *is much louder and angrier*

Birds Swooping Uncomfortably Close: I'm just a scavenger species! I didn't sign up for this!

Badrang: Okay, somebeast just ruined my awesomely gory punishment by painful pecking. Not cool.

Bluehide the Ferret: That… that was the great eagle's cry. You don't mess with that!

Gurrad: Idjit, ain't no great eagles round here! This is BRITAIN.

Eagle's Really Horrible Screech: *is very much there*

Bluehide: Haha, your geography sucks, loser.

Badrang: Fugly, come here! Put a fish around his neck to entice the birds. And you, kilt-wearing weirdo, git over here.

Kilt-Wearing Weirdo Weasel: *gets over there*

Badrang: *slashes his kilt and grabs its cord* Now use this to tie it.

Vermin: *laugh*

Readers: What? The vermin are laughing cause the weasel's naked? But… some of them don't even wear pants in the first place! Is this really a kid's book?

Veteran Readers: CHILDREN'S BOOK! CHILDREN'S BOOK!

SLIGHTLY FARTHER AWAY, ROSE'S AND GRUMM'S HIDEOUT

Rose: Phew, all done!

Grumm: Think again.

Rose: Huh? They're dying a dead fish to Martin's neck!

Grumm: This reminds me of a certain fanfic.

Rose: This is no time for inter-fanfiction references! Here, get your sling ready, we must save my potential love interest!

MARSHANK'S WALLTOP

Gurrad: Hold still while I put this fish around yer neck, princess!

Martin: *evading the fish* What did I say about the word 'princess', my foot, and your… *checks profanity filter* butt?

Gurrad: Um, that you'd – ack! *drops the fish* Who threw a pebble at me?

Badrang: What is that idjit doing? He just dropped the fish!

Gurrad: *bends over the pick up the fish, gets a rock thrown at his rear that sends him flying*

Badrang: Oh, this is so on. EVERYBEAST TO THE WALLTOP!

Everybeast: *to the walltop*

Readers: Seriously? Straight into the line of fire? That's a good strategy.

Everybeast: *gets stoned, literally* OUR OUCH SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE OW FROM TESTS AND OOF CALCULATED RESEARCH DETERMINES ARGH THE ROCKS ARE BEING THROWN FROM YIPES THE BEACH!

Readers: *facepalm*

Veteran Readers: Also that pun was terrible.

IN THE COURTYARD BELOW

Felldoh the Awesome: Heh heh, ingrates. *picks up rocks and starts throwing them*

Skalrag the Fox: *gets his ear practically taken out* Wha-? OUR RESULTS LIE! THE ROCKS ARE FROM INSIDE! SCIENCE FAILED UUUUUSS!

Some Other Vermin: Lies, you buffoon, they're from the shore – ouch!

Chaos: *is very much reigning*

Badrang: So not cool, so not cool! *lies down to avoid rocks, sees approaching ship* …Oh, crappish hell. Everybeast back inside, and cut that mouse down! STAT!

Badrang's Retreat: *is very undignified*

ROSE'S AND GRUMM'S HIDEOUT

Rose: VICTORY! My potential love interest is safe for now!

Grumm: Um, I hate to always rain on your parade, but… *points to sea*

Rose: *sees the Ship of Doom* Sigh.

ON THE SHIP OF DOOM

Much Evil Plotting: *is going on*

IN MARSHANK'S THRONE ROOM

Badrang: So, kid, you're pretty strong and awesome and stuff. I sense you're going to be featured in at least two more books. Wanna join my army?

Martin: *bound and tied on the floor* Wanna come a little closer?

Badrang: *comes closer*

Martin: Closer.

Badrang: *comes closer*

Martin: *lunges and bites his arm to the bone*

Badrang: OH THE PAIN AAAAAAAH so I'll take that as a no OUCH OUCH GUARDS THROW THIS MANGY SLAVE INTO the pit of despair THE PRISON PIT!

Martin: *carried off* I'll kill you one day, stinkfur! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Badrang: Bah, he'll die out there. Despite that fact that he is obviously a warrior-born and this is probably the book's biggest plot point, I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR FROM HIM.

Veteran Readers: *facepalm*

IN thepitofdespair THE PRISON PIT

Martin: *thrown in, lands heavily below and is heaved upright* …Um, whoever's groping me, could you…?

Somebeast: Oh, sorry. I was trying to undo the rope!

Martin: …Right.

Some Other Beast: At least you're alive, mate. I'm Felldoh.

Martin: S'up. *brofist* What are you doing here?

Felldoh: Eh, got caught dealing some divine justice when you were tied up.

Martin: Awesome. Was there blood?

Felldoh: Lots.

Martin: Cool, bro. *high fives*

Somebeast: This is definitely not cool! What if we're stuck here forever? *starts shaking Martin violently* What if I never get to watch another soap opera again?

Martin: Stop it, stop it! Who are you?

Somebeast: I'm Brome the mouse. I never hurt anyone! Sob! I was looking for the Long Lost Tapes of Days Of Our Lives, and I figured, if they're lost, I should look for them, so I was searching out here, then the evil vermin caught me and stuck me here and THERE'S STILL NO TAPES!

Martin: …Brome, you said?

Brome: What?

Martin: Oh, nothing. I just had a chat with your sister the other day. Something about rescuing you, I think. I could be wrong.

Brome: REALLY? Well in that case, we're saved! Nothing to worry about! Yay! *falls asleep*

Martin: I feel bad for whoever's been stuck with that kid.

Felldoh: *sigh*

IN MARSHANK

Badrang: So.

Cap'n Clogg: So.

Badrang: What brings ye here, fine friend, marvelous matey?

Cap'n Clogg: Oh, you know. Jes' looking fer some revenge fer you leaving me stuck on an island, is all.

Badrang: Oh, is that so.

Cap'n Clogg: Yessiree.

Badrang: Hm. And how are you going to do that, precisely?

Cap'n Clogg: *mutters* poison you.

Badrang: What?

Cap'n Clogg: I said, er, points on you! I see you've done well fer yerself! Problem is, mate, all your base are belong to us.

Badrang: Hah! *points his pokeystabbeyrippything* NO! It's mine, ALL MINE!

Cap'n Clogg: I WANT IT ALL AND I WANT IT NOW! *draws out his cutlass*

Queen: *is playing in the background*

Readers: Dude, what?

Badrang: Archers at the ready!

Archers: *are at the ready*

Cap'n Clogg: Aaaaah, fine. Put that knife down, son, I'll go back to me ship all quiet like. …Asshole.

Badrang: What was that?

Cap'n Clogg: I said, 'a hole'. I'm tired and need a hole for me head, is all. *as he and his crew leave* I'll get that dirty sonnova one day!

Veteran Readers: Basically the point of this scene is to point out that these guys hate each other.

Readers: Cool.

OUTSIDE BY THE PRISON PIT

An Otter Named Keyla: You're looking pretty sick there, sir.

Gurrad: *shivering* Don't be stupid, it's just cause it's so cold out here! Hurry up with feeding the prisoners!

Keyla: Cold? It's just a lovely evening sea breeze, sir. Maybe you have the fever. How about you head in while I finish up?

Gurrad: Hmm…. That's not just a devious excuse to help the prisoners plot their escape, is it?

Keyla: Psssshaw!

Gurrad: Alright, I'm heading in then. Be quick! *leaves*

Felldoh: Hey dog! Hurry over here so you can help us plot our escape!

Keyla: Heh.

OUSIDE THE MAIN GATE

Rose: I hope my potential love interest is alright.

Grumm: Eh, he'll be fine. I can tell he's going to be featured in at least two more books. Wait, sssh – somebeast's singing!

Keyla's Rhymy Ballad: *is clever and clueful*

Rose: *replies in an equally cool jingle*

Keyla: *sings out a warning song that somebeast's coming instead of just saying "hide" like normal people*

Rose: Well that's that then. *hides*

Readers: What was the point of this scene?

SCENE I NEED TO INCLUDE SO THAT THINGS MAKE SENSE

Scene Where Keyla Sings A Medicine Song For Idiotic Vermin And Gets Rid Of Them: *happens*

IN THE SLAVE COMPOUND WHERE MUCH PROTAGONIST PLOTTING IS AFOOT

Barkjon: So, guys, I totes believe that Martin and my son will save us.

Somebeast: What about the other mouse in there?

Barkjon: That weirdo obsessed with soap operas? I don't think he'll be any use to us.

Hillgorse the Hedgehog: Whatever. We must PLOT OUR REBELLION!

Barkjon: Yes! Listen while I dictate our daring defiance!

Dwurp the Traitorous Vole: …You're all going to die.

All: What?

Dwurp: Um, nothing.

Barkjon: Nope, get out here you sniveling cowa- I mean, friend. What did you want to say?

Dwurp: Well, you're all going to get yourselves, and most importantly, me, killed. So I say don't do it.

Barkjon: No chance. WE ARE REBELLING, OH HO YES. And if shit goes down, and somebeast happens to tell the vermin our plans? Well, there's no need to make threats among friends, but… *glare*

Dwurp: …*slinks off*

Readers: This scene was meant as foreshadowing right?

Veteran Readers: Yes, but shut up!

AROUND THE PRISON PIT & WALLTOP, AND WHERE SOME SCENES ARE SKIPPED AND CONDENSED

Keyla: So, the guards aren't moving. Any ideas on how to tell your sister… and Grumm… how to rescue us?

Felldoh: I got nothing.

Martin: Nope.

Brome: Uh-uh.

Keyla: I can't believe you guys are the ones that are going to dramatically and heroically rescue us, seriously.

Rat Guards: SHADDAP DOWN THERE! AN' QUIT GIVIN' AWAY SPOILERS!

Keyla: It's not me, it's the prisoners talking. They've got a fever!

Guards: And is the prescription MORE COWBELL?

Keyla: …No.

Guards: Well then I'm not getting anywhere close to that pit of despair prison pit!

Brome: *shouting unbelievably loud* HELP ME, HELP ME I'M A-DYIN' OF THE FEVER! Oh! My fever, it's over NINE THOUSAND!

Guards: Shut up, you'll wake everybeast up!

Rose, Outside: Nine thousand! That's the code! Hold on… *does the eagle cry*

Guards: WHAT IS GOING ON.

Brome: Sweet, guys, she's listening. I SAID, MY FEVER'S GOT A LEVEL OF OVER NINE THOUSAND!

Rose: Right! That's Ancient Noonvalian for 'face the centre of the gates and walk twenty paces to the south, then dig down twice my height and straight tunnel from the twenty pace mark!'

Grumm: …You got all that from 'nine thousand'? Seriously?

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH

Badrang: Report.

Skalrag: No sign of Clogg, sir. And, er, the prisoners are suffering with fevers of over nine thousand, reportedly.

Badrang: Nine thousand? That wouldn't happen to be a reference to an internet meme, would it?

Skalrag: Uh… what?

Badrang: Nothing. You know what would be funny? IF YOU DON'T FINISH MY FORT SOON AND I AM FORCED TO THROW YOU IN THERE TOO. Wouldn't that be hilarious?

Skalrag: Um can I beat a hasty retreat now?

Badrang: Fool.

OUTSIDE WITH OUR HEROIC RESCUERS

Rose: …Aaaand dig right here.

Grumm: Yo ho mole away! *digs*

Rose: Well, that's that. We're in the middle of considerable danger and a risky rescue operation, but I think I'm going to have myself some tea and scones because that's totally appropriate at the moment. Somehow. Probably.

Readers: I am so confused.

SOMEWHERE ELSE AT MARSHANK

Dwurp: *slinking around*

Skalrag: Yo, what's going on around the camp, buddy?

Dwurp: I ain't your buddy, guy.

Skalrag: Well I ain't your guy, friend.

Dwurp: Well I'm not your friend, buddy.

Skalrag: Okay okay. What's up?

Dwurp: Well they're planning a rebellion bla bla bla stealing tools to revolt with bla bla bla prisoners escaping bla.

Skalrag: I see. And do ye know how they're going to do any of that?

Dwurp: No clue.

Skalrag: Beautiful. A fish and some wine for yer troubles.

Readers: AAAAH EVIL TRAITOROUS VOLE!

Veteran Readers: Dude it was obvious from the beginning.

Brian Jacques: It was not! I was subtle and foreshadowy and clever!

Veteran Readers: Yeeeeaaaaah.

IN THE PIT OF DESPAIR PRISON PIT

Brome: What if she gets it wrong, and we're stuck here forever without any soap operas?

Felldoh: Listen, I'm sure she'll figure it out.

Brome: But then what if… hey, why is your forehead bleeding?

Martin: Because I've been beating it against the wall.

Brome: Oh. Well anyway, what if –

Martin & Felldoh: SIGH.

Brome: -Grumm encounters a land mine and blows up and a plane engine crashes on us and we all DIE?

Martin: I… don't think that's going to happen.

Brome: Or if the climate suddenly desalinizes and the ice caps melt and everything floods and we all DIE?

Felldoh: That's not going to happen within one day, so I think we're safe.

Brome: Or if aliens come to earth and want to take over this planet but are allergic to water but we don't know that and they nearly kill us all before we defeat them and we all DIE?

Felldoh: Why would we die if we already defeated them?

Brome: 2012! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!

Martin: I was not this pessimistic when I was a kid.

Felldoh: I think it's television and computers, rotting everyone's brain.

Martin: Yes, what completely useless activities. Who in their right minds would sit in front of a screen for hours on end?

Brome: OHALMIGHTYJACQUES WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIEEEEE!

Felldoh: I swear I'm going to club that kid.

Skalrag: QUIET DOWN THERE! All your references to catastrophic movies are making me anxious! Therefore, we won't feed you anymore!

Brome: Oh snap.

Martin: You make me sad. *starts kicking at the wall*

Felldoh: Ah, good idea. *kicks at the wall*

Brome: …Que haceis?

Martin: We're making sure Grumm can tell where we are by locating the vibrations in the earth.

Felldoh: In the meantime, talk about something.

Brome: Well on the last episode of Passions Martha was pregnant with Jareth's baby but she was falling for Eric who was terminal and –

Martin: Something INTERESTING.

Brome: …I got nothing.

Martin & Felldoh: SIGH.

SLIGHTLY FARTHER AWAY, TUNNELING

Grumm: Due to some idiots kicking at the earth, I think I know where I'm going, even when I lost my course due to that land mine I had to avoid. I should be done by midnight.

Rose: Sweet! Make sure you watch out for that plane engine.

JUST OFFSHORE

Cap'n Clogg's Log Boats Of Treachery And Villainy: *approach ominously*

ON THE WALLTOPS

Watch Guard #1: D'ye hear that?

Watch Guard #2: No.

Watch Guard #1: The earth is shaking!

Watch Guard #2: Yer crazy. Ye'll be tellin' me we're under attack next.

Watch Guard #1: No, seriously, I think somebeast is digging. Look! I just saw a pile of sand fly off over there!

Watch Guard #2: You have a bad case of the stupids.

Watch Guard #1: I'M SERIOUS. Look, I think I see shapes moving bel- *shot, dies*

Watch Guard #2: ATTACK, ATTACK, WE'RE UNDER ATTAAAAAAAAACK!

Watch Guard #1's Ghost: *violent profanity*

NOT FAR FROM WHERE THE CORSAIRS ARE RUNNING PAST

Rose: *hides* Run, Fore- I mean, hurry, Grumm, hurry!

IN THE PIT OF DESPAIR

Brome: *sleeping*

Martin: You know, maybe Brome was on to something.

Felldoh: Yeah, I'm tired too. I don't think Grumm's coming.

Martin: No, I mean, I think we might be getting invaded by aliens, cause I can hear lots of running and screaming and I think somebeast said "not my baby".

Felldoh: Oh you heard that too? Yeah, then we're going to die here.

Martin: *gets angry* I REFUSE! YOU LOSE, GOOD DAY SIR! *kicks wildly, his paw goes through and kicks Grumm in the face* …Oh, um. Hello.

Grumm: Somebeast ordered a rescue, half ironic, half jubilant?

Felldoh and Martin: HELL YEAH.

AT THE FORTRESS

Gurrad: IT'S TRAMUN CLOGG! HE'S ATTACKING!

Badrang: Where's Skalrag! I've got a nefarious plan that includes sneaking out and burning Clogg's ship while he's distracted!

Readers: OH SO NEFARIOUS!

The Battle: *is raging*

Cap'n Clogg: Harhar! Come on, crew, give 'em hell! Badrang, I'll wear yer guts fer garters!

Readers: ….Um, that's slightly disgusting.

Veteran Readers: NOT LITERALLY! It's an expression!

Readers: I'm just saying, the visual imagery -

Veteran Readers: Ugh.

Cap'n Clogg: *is using his ship's keel as a battering ram against the Marshank gates*

Badrang: *is bolstering the gates*

The Battle: *is coming along quite nicely*

AT THE TUNNEL OF RESCUE, IRONY, AND JUBILATION

All Four Creatures: *crawling through*

Felldoh: *breaks out first* FREEDOM NEVER TASTED SO SWEET.

Rose: It is rather sugary, isn't it, that's the scone crumbs I spilled. Where's Grumm?

Martin: *climbs out* At the back. Are we seriously being invaded by alie - *sees Rose* ….asdfjkasd adsfjahsdfjkas.

Rose: Hello, definite love interest! Was that a good keymash or a bad keymash?

Martin: …Pleasehavemybaby.

Rose: What?

Martin: I said, pleased to meet you lady.

Rose: Oh. The pleasure's all mine, love interest.

Brome: Excuse me but HELL'S BELLS WE'RE BEING INVADED BY ALIENS.

Grumm: No, loser, corsairs are attacking Marshank. We need to leave right miaow.

Felldoh: I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT MY FATHER, YOU DICKS.

Martin: Yes you are. We're going to run away, gather an army, stomp back here, free the slaves, then get my sword back and FUCK MARSHANK'S SHIT UP.

Felldoh: Oh, I guess that's alright then.

All: YAY! FRIENDS FOREVER!

BACK AT THE GATES

Cap'n Clogg: Okay, what is this. These gates aren't giving way! I've got a fort to invade, you know?

Random Corsair: Um, Cap'n?

Cap'n Clogg: WHAT. *sees ship burning* …. AAAAAAAAAH MY RAGE IT IS DARK AND DEEP AND ALLCONSUMING! AAARGH!

ON THE SHORE, CLOGG'S SHIP

Skalrag: *PILLAGEBURNPLUNDERAAARGH* Aaaah, that was relaxing. Now follow me, troops, let's cut holes into yonder Log Boats Of Treachery And Villainy!

BY THE SHORE

Felldoh: So, TO THE LOGBOATS!

Readers: ...crap.

Martin: Yeah, to the-! ….Is that a PLANE ENGINE?

Felldoh: Doesn't matter. RUN TOWARD FREEDOOOO—oh wait, there's vermin coming up behind us!

Grumm: And vermin by the Log Boats Of Treachery And Villainy ahead of us!

Martin: Then you know what time it is?

Felldoh: Time to OWN some DIRTY VERMIN ASS despite being COMPLETELY UNARMED cause we ROCK THAT HARD?

Martin: …Also, time to get a watch, but yeah. CHAAAAAAAAARGE!

Skalrag: Oh… oh crap. Archers-!

Felldoh: *triple limb maim*

Martin: *double flying head kick*

Skalrag: Nevermind.

Clogg's Crew, Slightly Farther Away: What the eff? There's beasts by our boats! AT THEM!

Skalrag: HELP HELP HELP!

Grumm: *wound*

Rose: *wallop*

Brome: *push out smallest boat*

Felldoh: *stranglehold*

Martin: *hold back one vermin and hold another underwater*

In Other Words, Everybeast: *kicks ass*

Clogg's Crew: *arrives* WHAT'S GOING ON?

Martin: Here, these numbnuts were trying to gank our boats! *shoves Skalrag at them*

Clogg's Crew: OH I THINK NOT. *lays the smackdown on Skalrag*

Martin and Friends: SUCKERS. *swim out to boat*

Clogg's Crew: Wait a minnit… those ain't searats! AT THEM!

Felldoh: *can't get on the boat* Oh crap oh crap oh crap. *Gets his footpaws grabbed by a vermin, his frontpaws grabbed by Martin* GLLLLGLGLGLLGLGLG!

Martin: You better let go, I won the Tug of War OLYMPICS, ho.

Vermin: BRING IT.

Rose: *clubs him*

Felldoh: GLGLGLLGLG-Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Other Vermin: *get in other boats to chase them*

Martin and Friends: Hi ho, away!

Grumm: Actually, not so.

Rose: Why are you just sitting there?

Grumm: Cause there's a hole and I'm plugging it up with my butt otherwise WE WILL DIE.

Brome: Hahahahahahahaha!

Felldoh: Seriously, what is it WITH you, kid? I don't see how that is amusing, AT ALL.

Brome: *points*

Felldoh: …Oh. *gigglesnort*

Other Vermin: *sinking from the holes drilled in* *sad faces*

Martin and Friends: FREEDOM!

TO BE CONTINUED, OBVIOUSLY.

ETA: rewrite 10/04/10.

I own nothing but my snark. Have fun playing Spot the Reference!