Final chapter, so buckle up readers. It's a doozy.
Martin the Warrior, (really really) abridged.
AT THE END OF THEIR JOURNEY
Martin: *jumps out of the boat* TO WARRRRRR!
Rose: …Should we tell him?
Boldred: You're going the wrong way.
Martin: RRRRRR - *sharp U-turn*
Rose: Talk about single-minded.
Martin: *screeches to a halt*
Grumm: What's wrong?
Martin's Army: *comes into view and it… is verrrrrrry big*
Martin: Ah… ah… the.. abba… ga… waah…
Grumm: I think we broke Martin. Can we get a new one?
Martin: HO HO HO NOW I HAVE AN ARMY!
Pallum: Let's just hope enough of them die so we don't have to pay their wages.
Pallum: What? That's the reality of war. Just cause it's a kid's book you think war is sunshine and roses?
Grumm: There are no jokes in that territory, we can't go there!
Queen Amballa: Warriormouse Martinmouse, tis dangerous to go alone! Take this.
Martin: *takes her short sword*
Rose: Anyway, what's that I see in the distance?
Martin: MARSHANK! BADRANG, BE READY TO MEET YOUR END! FOR I HAVE LEVELED UP AND YEA, VERILY I SAY UNTO YOU, I SHALL KICK YOUR ASS.
Martin's Army: CHAAAARRRRRRRRGE!
AT MARSHANK'S GATES
Horde of Redshirts: *charge the Rambling Rosehip Players*
Ballaw: Well folks, you know what they say. When in Rome, kill some Romans.
First Wave of Horde of Redshirts: *die*
ON THE WALLTOPS
Badrang: Splendid so far, I must say! Even the weather is nice.
Boggs: Wasn't that thunder?
Badrang: Fool, there's no thunder!
Boggs: Maybe not, but there is a rumble in the distance.
Boggs: Nevermind. That's a giant army in the distance.
Badrang: Jacques damn you Jimmy Gibbs Junior!
Boggs: I don't think anyone's going to get that joke.
Badrang: Oh. Not even you? Left 4 Dead? That part when -
Boggs: I'm not really into Pokemon.
Badrang: That's not -
Boggs: No, I'm not going to role-play with you. Stop asking.
IN THE SHALLOWS
Ballaw: Bam! Have a taste of my fist! Whack! And some of my feet! I didn't wash them, just for you!
Horde of Redshirts: We'll not risk another frontal assault! That rabbit's dynamite!
Ballaw: Scared you off, did I? Haha! They do smell mighty horrible, being all gigantic and all.
Rowanoak: What are you talking about.
Horde of Redshirts: Surprise attack from behind! RETREAT!
Rowanoak: Looks like we have backup!
Ballaw: Aww. Couldn't that army have waited until I killed everyone first?
Rowanoak: Sometimes I think you're too badass.
Ballaw: Who's complaining?
ON THE WALLTOPS
Badrang: You'll never get my pony! SPARKLEHOOVES IS MINE!
Crosstooth: What'd he say?
Stumptooth: 'Slash their ropes and throw nets and boulders over the walls!', I think.
Badrang: Mine, my pretty, alllll mine yes yes you are…
Sparklehooves: Oh lord please help me.
Rose: Oh, you're here too.
Warden: THE LAW NEVER SLEEPS!
Boldred: Or shuts up, unfortunately.
Warden: YOU MUST RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!
Ballaw: Thanks for the help, chaps - but you're not doing a whole lot. We need a plan!
Ballaw: You do have a plan, yes? You didn't just run into battle, yes?
Rowanoak: That's it, take us to your leader.
AT THE GATES
Martin: BADRANNNNGG! I hope barbarians invade your personal space! And that Pyramid Head moves in next door to you! RAAAAAAH!
Rose: Martin, calm down! You're wild with rage! Your eyes are red with the lust of war!
Gulba: There's a Visine for that.
Martin: RAAAAAAAAA - oh, heyyy Rose.
Rose: We need to talk! About that plan! That we don't have!
Martin: You shouldn't be here! It's too dangerous, you might get hurt!
Pallum: What about us?
Martin: I don't care about you guys, so you can stay.
Boulders And Arrows And Nets: *fall like rain*
Pallum: Oh joy.
AT THE WAR COUNCIL
Martin: A plan? I'll give you a plan! Boldred and the Warden will drop the nets thrown at us to climb the north wall while the Gawtrybe squirrels climb the south. To distract them as we invade, we'll push the Rosehip Players' burning cart at the gates. Queen Amballa and those hedgehogs we just met will climb the north wall and the otters will go with the squirrels. Moles, you'll dig a way into the fortress so the rest of us can get in. We're gonna make Badrang more nervous than a short nun at a penguin shoot.
Barkjon: And I'll be in charge of burying my son.
Martin: He was truly a badass of badasses. This battle shall be known as "The Battle In Which I was Awesome And Felldoh Helped Too."
Brome: *whispering* What happened to Martin's ego?
Rose: I might have confessed my feelings to him. Possibly. Just a little. 48%.
Rose: Don't you mean, *muzzlepaw*?
Brome: It's technically correct, but don't hold your breath for me to say it.
Rose: Right. Anyway, I'm glad you're still alive, or something.
Brome: Oh, yeah! You're here safe and sound! I'm so relieved! We haven't changed at all!
Fleabane: Aw, they're trying to fix their cart. It's so pathetic, it's almost cute.
Rotnose: At least they're leaving! Remember that crazy squirrel? Ugh. Good thing that's over.
Fleabane: Since they're clearly not coming back, I'm gonna take a nap.
Rotnose: Good idea. I'll have another after you. Some shut-eye won't hurt anything!
Author: I'm sorry, okay? It's right there in the book! Come on, irony is good for you – it's rich in iron!
Clogg's Voice: Yeeeehehehe! Yore all gonna die!
Boggs: What happened to this guy?
Crosstooth: Oh yeah, Badrang whacked him in the head and Clogg was never right since. Not that he was sane to begin with, but now he's worse.
Clogg's Voice: SPARKLEHOOVES IS A LIE! Also, yore all dead.
Boggs: What a creep!
Clogg's Voice: The night is dark and full of terrors! Yeeehehehehe! Winter is coming! Valar morghulis! EEEHEHEHE!
Crosstooth: I don't think he even knows what book he's in anymore. Quickly, let's get inside. Everyone in this fortress is becoming insane!
Clogg: *hiding inside a grave* Five points from Gryffindor, Harrrryyy… *paauuuuuuuuse*… Pottttter.
THAT NIGHT, UNDER THE STARS, WITH ROMANTIC MUSIC DRIFTING THROUGH THE AIR WHILE THE OTHERS ARE SLEEPING
Martin: Whoa whoa whoa! We're just playing cards. Six?
Author: Is that what kids are calling it these days?
Rose: Go fish. Although, why aren't we making out?
Martin: Good question.
Phil Collins: CAAAAAAN YOU FEEEEEL THE LOOOOOOVE TONIIIIIIGHT…
Somebeast: Hey, we're trying to sleep over here!
Phil Collins: Sorry!
THE NEXT MORNING
Martin: Wake up, Ballaw. It's time.
Ballaw: I do love the smell of napalm in the morning!
Martin: Napalm? What's that?
Ballaw: It makes things go boom.
Martin: I want three!
Guard 1: *sleep*
Fire Cart of Fire: *approach*
Guard 2: *sleep*
Fire Cart of Fire: *approach*
Guard 3: *sleep*
Fire Cart of Fire: HI GUYS! LET'S BE FRIENDS!
Guards: Aaaaaaaaaah! Fire! Somewhere! Put it out!
Fire Cart of Fire: I'M ACTUALLY REALLY FRIENDLY! I HAVE NO CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPACE
Guards: OH NOOOOOOOOOO! Get water! Sand! Something!
Fire Cart of Fire: CAUSE I'M ON FIRE? AND HEADED STRAIGHT FOR YOU GUYS?
Fire Card of Fire: BOY I SURE HOPE WE HAVE LOTS OF FUN!
Badrang: Everybeast to the front wall! Put out the fire!
Clogg: FIRE CANNOT HURT A TARGARYEN! BWeeehEEEEEheehehahaheHEEEE! I'm totally craycray at this point! I don't even have a script! The director's like "Just say silly things" so you know, that's what I'm doing …GIYGAS EATS YOURS PRAYERS!
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
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BACK TO OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING
Fire Cart of Fire: I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU ALL! THIS IS GONNA BE –
Rowanoak: *one last massive push*
Fire Cart of Fire: CRAAAAAASH!
Ballaw: Archers! Fire!
Archers: Yes, we know. We set it aflame, remember? Pushed it into the gate? *eyeroll*
Ballaw: I meant shoot your bows!
Archers: Why didn't you say that in the first place? Yeesh!
Ballaw: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I've watched Die Hard like five times.
Boldred & Warden: Nets ahoy!
Queen Amballa: Climbeth the net, my subjects!
All Her Creatures: *climb over the wall*
Grumm: Now it's time to show these fools how it's done. Tunnel away my brothers!
Pallum: Sooooo… it's just you and me now, huh?
Rose: *inches away*
Pallum: Hey, I didn't mean it like that! Ever watch the cartoon? I'm a girl in that!
Rose: So? What's wrong with my gender?
Pallum: Nothing, I just meant we were supposed to have a girl's night or something.
Rose: A… girl's night?
Pallum: Yeah. You know. Painting toenails, having tea parties, standard girl fare and what have you. It would be fun!
Rose: You realize that "girl's night" is codeword for us robbing banks and comparing machine guns, right? The makeup and shopping is just to ward off spies. How else do you explain all our money?
Pallum: That… explains a lot about girls.
Rose: Yeah. I'm going to go girl out on this enemy, if you don't mind.
Pallum: Be my guest.
Rose: *shoots somebeast in the eye*
ON THE BEACH
Martin: *holding a bow* Have I even ever used this before? *fires arrow*
Vermin With A Sudden Case of Arrow In The Throat: gurgle gurgle death!
Martin: Of course I'm a boss at this with no previous experience whatsoever.
Ballaw: Incoming status report, sir! Apparently, wood burns well.
Rowanoak: Who knew! What's next, boss?
Martin: Fulfilling my destiny. *cape flutters in the wind* Which happens to be by the north wall.
Ballaw: Hey, why don't I have a cape for cool moments? I think I've earned it enough!
Martin: You think this is cool? Wait till you see me walk away from an explosion.
Rowanoak: *dreamy sigh*
INSIDE THE SEIGED FORTRESS
Badrang: Oh god oh god oh god oh god
Sparklehooves: Wish you hadn't been a dick all your life now, huh?
Badrang: Mommy heeeeeeeeeeeeelp *climbs out the longhouse window*
Martin: HULK SMASH! FALCON PUNCH! PK THUNDER! ODIN'S HAMMER! HYPERBEAM!
All In His Way: *fall like flies*
Badrang: Yep not gonna engage that fellow. Gonna keep creepin'…
MEANWHILE OTHERS DO COOL STUFF TOO
Starwort: The gates are going to come down!
Rowanoak: *leaps over the flaming gates and wipes dust off her shoulder* I got ninety-nine problems but a door ain't one.
Badrang: Almost… to the escape… almost…
SUDDENLY A WILD MARTIN APPEARS
Badrang: OUT OF MY WAY!
Rose: DON'T YOU DARE HURT MY FRIEND!
Badrang: AVADA KREVADA!
Martin: Oh no. Oh, no. OH NO KOOL-AID! *leaps from the walltop*
Pallum: You're not going anywhere, Badrang!
Martin: BADRANG! I… AM… YOUR DEATH! *starts slashing with the shrew sword*
Badrang: *bites Martin's shoulder*
Martin: *picks him up and throws him*
Badrang: I – will not –
Martin: *stabs him in the heart* It is done.
A FEW HOURS LATER, AS THE SURVIVORS ARE TENDING TO THE INJURED
Brome: Well, we've done it. The fortress has fallen.
Rowanoak: Yet our victory did not come without losses.
Martin: Rose… she's dead… gone forever… unless…
Brome: Martin, no! Voodoo is not the answer! You know they always come back with a thirst for brains!
Martin: I have a different idea.
IN A DARK ALLEY, SOMEWHERE IN THE CITY OF FANDOM
Martin: So you're sure you can do this?
Warrior4: Not a problem, leave it to me.
Money: *is exchanged*
Warrior4: You'll hear from me soon. Real soon. *vanishes into the night*
Martin: Well what am I supposed to do now?
Author: Travel south!
Martin: Alright. Just as long as I don't have to fight wildcats or whatever.
Author: *Hands him the MOSSFLOWER script*
Martin: …DAMN IT
Martin: And who the heck is this "Gonff" fellow.
Author: Somebeast you will form a meaningful and lifelong friendship with!
Martin: Well that means a lot, considering how my last "meaningful friendship" ended up.
Author: No, trust me, you'll never be able to get rid of this guy.
Readers: Did you just make a reference to your own fanfic?
Readers: YES YOU DID YOU TOTALLY DID
Author: ALL LIES
Readers: WHERE DID THE PUNCTUATION GO
IN THE NEXT BOOK
Martin: You got married when I was in a COMA?
Gonff: I… well…
Martin: How is that possibly cool? BROS BEFORE HOS!
Gonff: Jacques doesn't want to include religion in Redwall!
Martin: SO HE MADE MY BEST FRIEND GET HITCHED WHILE I WAS THREE HEARTBEATS AWAY FROM CATATONIC. THAT MAKES EVERYTHING SO MUCH BETTER.
Gonff: I'm sorryyyyyyyy…
Martin: Fine, see if I invite you to MY wedding!
Gonff: But you're never gonna get married!
Warrior4: *shifty eyes*
IN A DARK BASEMENT LABORATORY
Warrior4: It's… ALIVE!
Warrior4: Uh… Rose?
Warrior4: ABORT! ABORT!
1) I own nothing, nothing, nothing… except Sparklehooves, I really did make that up. Everything else, not mine. Especially Warrior4 and Phil Collins, that would be slightly illegal.
2) This chapter was late because I got married and graduated from college, in that order. Who feels bad now, huh?
3) Hope you enjoyed. I know some people pissed and moaned but hey, I had fun writing it, and that's who I'm writing for in the end – me. If others liked it, then that's a bonus.
4) I'm sad I didn't get to use all the jokes I was planning for this, but they just didn't fit. I had so many :( Maybe I'll do a "behind the scenes" or something to get them out of the way?