Another Day, Another Prison
or, How to get out of Budget Meetings, SG-1 Style
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG-1, or any of the characters contained therein, nor am I making any money off of this story.
Another day, another prison. SG-1 had just found themselves locked up - again.
As prisons go, it wasn't that bad. No immediately apparent means of escape, but there was plenty of room for four people, and a small spigot in the corner gave plenty of fresh water. There hadn't even been any torture yet; SG-1 had simply been grabbed by several guards with large weapons and thrown into the room, then left to their own devices. At least until the obligatory gloating session by the head honcho.
"Finally! I - I! - have captured the elusive SG-1!" General Dotty ("Dotriquand!" Jack could almost hear Daniel hiss the correction) declared.
"If you know anything about us at all," Sam pointed out, "then you also know we're very good at getting out of seemingly escape-proof situations. Don't count on being able to keep us."
"Oh? If you're so good at escaping, tell me, why haven't you done so already? Is my security beyond your capabilities to crack?"
"Are you kidding?" Jack asked. "Of course we're not going to try to escape yet! The annual budget meeting is tomorrow." As second-in-command of the base, Jack was required by regulations to be at all of the budget meetings, as were Sam and Daniel as head of their departments. Teal'c could have perhaps gotten out of it, except that he was the final authority on which supplies to the Jaffa were to be added in to the budget.
"We've been working on avoiding that thing for months now, but General Hammond finally put his foot down and said there was no way we getting out of it any longer," Daniel explained. "It's been put off just as long as it can be put off; we need to have the numbers to our government by Thursday."
"Indeed," Teal'c said. "It has been most frustrating. General Hammond specifically informed us that he will no longer accept any of our standard explanations for not being present at the meeting."
" 'Incurable alien diseases, strange transformations by unknown technology, or even natural disasters, on or off-world, are no excuse for missing the meeting,' " Jack mimicked Hammond's announcement of the orders perfectly.
"Nor are we allowed to cite being out of phase, in an alternate reality, or in a different galaxy, however distant," Sam added.
" 'Archaeological excavations, scientific research, and trade negotiations, no matter how critical, are to be turned over to another team, and any quaint native ceremonies are just going to have to wait,' " Jack continued his impersonation.
"General Hammond has further stated that should we even consider attempting to get out of the meeting by becoming addicted to an alien device or substance we will be cleaning every single toilet on the base for the next three years," said Teal'c.
"In fact, ever since he found out I could ascend, he won't even consider being killed sufficient reason for missing the budget meeting!" Daniel said, aggrieved.
"So why in the world do you think we'd want to escape? Being held prisoner is about the only excuse left to us!" Jack finished.
At this point, Sam felt compelled to point out, "You do realize, sir, that the only reason that's the case is because he figured it could be taken as given?"
"Shh! Don't say things like that! If he didn't specifically say it, it doesn't count!" Jack replied adamantly. "Now, all we have to do is hang out here for another day or two and they'll have to go ahead and have the meeting without us. That means we'll be free and clear."
"Well, as your General seems so insistent on you being back for the meeting, it would seem a shame to disappoint him after all his hard work," General Dotriquand said with a supercilious smile on his face. "Guards! Escort SG-1 to the Stargate and make sure they get safely back through it. Please send my regards to your General when you return."
Two hours later, after the required medical exam and sorely needed showers, SG-1 met with General Hammond to debrief. After the whole story was told, Hammond praised the team for their inventive use of Br'er Rabbit tactics to secure their release.
"You mean you thought we weren't serious?" Jack asked with disbelief. "I'll take a nice comfy jail cell over a budget meeting any day of the week! I don't suppose you happen to have any urgent missions risking almost certain failure leaving in the next few hours?"