Disclaimer: Never have. Never will. Own Harry Potter that is. (This will stand for the entire story, mostly because I can't think of anymore creative disclaimers.)
Also, Remus. Why? Because he's awesome!
Important Note (PLEASE READ): Hello, readers! I know I haven't written anything in a while (I am working on Distorted Reflections, don't worry), so I gave you this. . . . But, but, this is the important part! I did not recently write this. In fact, there are several important things you should know about this fic.
1.) This was written BEFORE DH. That means that there is no Epilogue, no DH spoilers, none of Lucius's peacocks, nothing about DH. So I do not want to hear about how this doesn't follow the book (even if the conversations are random).
2.) Just as this fic was written before DH, it was also written in my junior year of high school, when I was sixteen years old. I was younger and therefore my writing style has not matured to what it is today. Most of this entire fic is just cheap laughs, anyway. Ah, well. . . .
3.) Also, at this age, I was still a little, innocent girl who was only interested in Harry Potter, just because he was the heroic Harry Potter. My obsession with Remus began soon after this fic was completed. If you squint, you can even see some in the last chapter of this fic. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.
Chapter 1: Narrative Hooks Galore!
Hello and welcome to the reader of this. As you have undoubtedly read by the title this is a humorous Harry Potter fanfiction with really random conversations. However, before I get into that, I just want to do a brief summary of myself (and I will try my best not to be random!). I haven't written that much humor before, so just bear with me. . . .
Anyway, I am obsessed with Harry Potter as you have most likely figured out already - you know, posting on this site might have clued you in - although I will not be so arrogant as to claim responsibility for the whole (yet another one of my obsessions, I quote random characters at times - Order of the Phoenix, The Lost Prophecy, Albus Dumbledore). Yeah . . . anyway, I am sixteen years old and my life was changed by young Harry James Potter when I was a "deprived" ten-year-old and found Sorcerer's Stone at the book fair at my elementary school. I immediately fell in love with Harry, Ron, Hermione, and all the others.
However, at the risk of sounding mushy and making this into a romanticized fic about how I fell in love with Harry Potter, I will stop talking about that right now. But alas! Whoa, that sounded Shakespearean. . . . In my eagerness to tell the reader about my obsession, I have forgotten to mention my name, how foolish of me (once again my obsession of sounding like Dumbledore and other characters)! But too bad, I'm not going to tell you. I will only tell you my nickname, Liz, because suppose the reader is a serial killer who -shudder- hates Harry Potter and is looking for people who like Harry Potter to kill? CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!! I have to stop this, that's Mad-Eye Moody (Goblet of Fire, The Unforgivable Curses)!
Okay, now I've wasted about . . . wait a sec . . . I'm using Word Count (I love Microsoft!) 342 words talking about myself and I'm guessing most fan fic sites will want more words than that for one chapter so I'll have to waste some more words talking about what this fan fic is going to be about and giving you a prelude so that you'll go to the next chapter. I think it's called a narrative hook on the plotline of a short story (I give my English teacher all the credit for teaching me this), except this isn't really a short story. Like I said before, these are random conversations with myself and other Harry Potter characters. Well, no, I didn't really tell you that, so I'll tell you now. The following are conversations that I have thought of and sometimes just pop into my head while typing this with Harry Potter characters.
Sometimes these conversations come at very weird times too. For example, when I'm sitting in a class and I'm bored (I'm sorry, hard-working teachers out there but some teachers are so boring!). Anyway, I'm bored and my mind just wanders to . . . Harry Potter, obviously. Sometimes I think of fanfics I've read and look forward to finishing them or reading others but sometimes (I hate using this word so often, but I can't think of any others!), my mind wanders and I think of having a conversation with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Lupin, Sirius, Dumbledore, Hagrid, McGonagall, or any other character in the novels and I begin to talk to them in my mind. If anyone here thinks I'm crazy, then stop reading right now because it's about to get crazier. I have really weird conversations sometimes too, like about these things, like whether Harry Potter is really evil, which it is not (by the way, that's what the next chapter's about - narrative hook, yay!).
These conversations also occur at other weird times, like while I'm in the shower, at the dinner table, or in bed (which makes it hard to get to sleep) and I actually do sleep talk when I have dreams about it, or so my brother informs me. That's mostly Sirius interrupting my thoughts though, the others have the manners to stay away when I'm trying to sleep and they know they can bother me again once I'm asleep in my dreams where I can see them as well as hear them. Sometimes they get pretty annoying.
Sirius: "You mean you can't see us at the moment? I am appalled!"
Me: "Shut up, Sirius." See what I mean?
Sirius: "Ha, ha, I can hear what you're thinking too, and I am not annoying!"
Me: "Are too."
Sirius: "Are not."
Me: "Are too."
Sirius: "Are not."
Lupin: "Honestly Sirius, can't you give her a second's peace? Come on, leave her alone and let her finish this chapter. Then we can bother her."
Me: "Thank you, Moony."
Sirius: "Oh, come on, Moony."
Lupin: "But, Sirius, I think I know a hot girl who might be interested in you. She's already rented a room in Hogsmeade but if you'd rather stay with Liz. . . ."
Sirius: "No, no, I want to come! I'll bug Liz later. Coming, Moony."
See what I mean, the man's completely uncontrollable and annoying, especially if he keeps barging into your head all day! Anyway, when it happens at the dinner table and sometimes in classes (to my embarrassment), a manic grin sometimes spreads over my face and my family stares at me in a weird way (when it's at the table, obviously) but my classmates don't seem to notice, either that or they've gotten used to it and have realized that I'm obsessed with Harry Potter. And, seeing as I have never told any of them, I am not sure how this is possible. Maybe they are all highly skilled Legilimens. That's it!
Dumbledore: "Actually, Miss Grass, only very skilled witches or wizards can perform Legilimency and I doubt any of your professors or peers are."
Me: "Honestly, I should set up an away message for you guys - at the moment I'm writing a fan fic so please refrain from coming into my mind! And what have I told all of you about revealing my last name? It's Liz!"
Moody: "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
Me: "Thank you, Moody."
Mr. Weasley: "Ooh, what's an away message? Is it on a pomcuter?"
Me: "Honestly, I try and have a conversation with one of you and. . . . In fact, I'm not trying to have a conversation with any of you. I'm trying to write a fan fic and you guys can talk in the next chapter!"
Mr. Weasley: "Aw, can't you just explain the pomcuter?"
Mr. Weasley: -sigh-
Sirius: "Thanks a lot, Liz. You make me leave with Moony and you talk to all these guys!"
Me: "I didn't invite any of these people, just like I didn't inviteyou,Sirius! You guys just barge into my head while I'm trying to write a fanfic!"
Sirius: "But you are writing it. You're typing all this stuff down on Microsoft Word, or whatever that thing is that you love so much."
Mr. Weasley: "Ooh, is that on the pomcuter too?"
Me: -sigh- "Yes, but I don't have time to explain right now. I'll explain in another chapter."
Mr. Weasley: "Why not right now?"
Me: "Because I'm past 1000 words which I think the sites will be happy with." I love Word Count!
Mr. Weasley: -pouts- "Will you explain it in the next chapter?"
Me: "No, but in Chapter 3, I promise."
Mr. Weasley: -pouts again- "Why not the next one?"
Me: "Because next chapter is going to be devoted to how Harry Potter is good for Christians and how it's an allegory and not evil. Dumbledore, I'm going to need your help with that."
Dumbledore: "I will give you a half hour of my time, Miss Grass."
Me: "Hey, I'm not Fudge! If I need you for this fanfiction you'd better cooperate and use as much time as is needed for me to explain properly!" Actually, I probably won't explain anything but will go off on a tangent as is my wont and as is the title of this fic.
Sirius: "What's an allegory?"
Dumbledore: "A story that has two levels of meaning, a concrete, literal level and an abstract, symbolic level."
Me: "How'd you know that?" Wow, this fic is educational too!
Dumbledore: "Miss Grass, I used to teach a Muggle high-school English class during my many years."
Me: "Jo never mentioned that in the books."
Dumbledore: "No, she did not. She found it better to focus on Harry."
Me: "Hey, you call him by his first name! Why not me? I'm the writer of this fanfic, I'm allowing you room in my head and I'm writing all this down!"
Dumbledore: "Because Harry is the main character in the Harry Potter novels and he is the Boy-Who-Lived so I have always favored him above all other students."
Me: Yeah, there's a topic for another chapter, Dumbledore's love for Harry.
Mr. Weasley: "I thought you said you were dealing with the pomcuters in Chapter 3!"
Me: -sigh- "Don't worry, Arthur. I'll put the computers in Chapter 3, but this will be in Chapter 4." Damn, I hate it when they can hear my thoughts.
Ron: "Hey, what's going on?"
Hermione: "Ron, are you in Liz's head again?"
Ron: "Yeah, it's great. What's happening, Sirius?"
Sirius: "Well. . . ."
Me: "OUT! All of you, out! Let me finish this chapter in peace and you can talk again in the next chapter." Honestly, sometimes I think these people are hearing impaired.
Ron: "Aw, but Hermione and I hardly had any time to talk."
Me: "You can have some in the next chapter, okay? Now, just leave my head for now and let me finish this chapter, I'm at 1600 words now!"
Hermione: "Actually, you're at 1644 words."
Me: "I'm estimating, Hermione."
Hermione: "Oh, alright then. Can you and I have a chat about material only for intelligent people and shun everyone who hasn't read Hogwarts, A History?"
Me: "Fine, that'll be Chapter 5."
Mr. Weasley: "And pomcuters?"
Me: "Yes, Arthur, and computers. Now, will all of youplease leave?"
Sirius: "Fine. Come on, everyone."
Ron: "But. . . ."
Mrs. Weasley: "Ronald Weasley, you leave that girl's head right now and give her some room to think! And you too, Arthur, I'm surprised at you!"
Mr. Weasley and Ron: -sigh-
Dumbledore: "Goodbye, Miss Grass. Miss Granger, come along."
Me: Alone at last.
Moody: "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
Me: -sigh- "I knew I forgot someone. Moody, leave!"
Moody: -mumble- "Constant vigilance."
So, how many words is that? Wait a sec, I'm using Word Count . . . 1787, to be exact. Wow, so to the reader of this, if you read this and consider this a waste of your time then you do not have to continue and you may leave a nasty review about how crazy I am on the way out. However, if by some chance, some faint ray of hope, you do like this fic, then please continue reading and I hope that the characters become more intellectual than they were especially since I'm talking to Dumbledore next chapter, but then again, who knows who will interrupt and make it a totally random discussion?
Note: So, did you like it? Didja, didja?
There are twelve chapters in all and I will post one every few days to give you guys chances to review. A sequel may be plausible, but it will be far, far in the future. I have far too many plot bunnies hopping around in my head right now. Plus, I'm still working on Distorted Reflections (which I hope to post within a few days of the next Random chapter).