Slytherin Harry's TriWizard Tournament

AN: Behold, long day at work produces after midnight crack fic. I don't own HP.

Harry Potter was very irritated. Very irritated indeed. He was enjoying the feast with his fellow snakes, and gleefully anticipating the embarrassing and dangerous obstacles that Diggory, Delacour, and Krum were going to have to go through when his name came out of the bloody flaming cup, and was read by the bloody flaming wizard.

Zabini, the great prat, laughed his arse off when he saw Harry's stunned face. "Harry, my boy, if you would," the wizened wizard called toward the Slytherin table.

"Damn, damn, double damn, triple fucking double damn," Harry muttered as he walked with dignity into the side room the true champions.

"Iz zere zometing else we need?" Fleur asked Harry as he tried to make himself invisible in the corner.

"Nope, just make sure you attend my funeral. Somebody wants me dead," Harry said. "Just carry on like normal."

Diggory looked hard at Harry and nearly choked. "You aren't…"

"Aren't what?" Krum demanded.

"A champion," Diggory replied as he watched Harry pale. "Damn, Potter. No one gives you a break, do they?"

"Nope," Harry replied over the foreign champions' protests.

Dumbledore came into the room, had some arguments with the adults while Harry planned out his will. Zabini wasn't going to be getting his Firebolt, not after laughing at him like that. He'd give him his chocolate Frogs and give his Firebolt to the top student in their year, Hermione Granger. At least that way no one else would ride it. And it would piss off Malfoy to no end, the prick.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Potter, but you'll have to participate in the tournament," Dumbledore said sadly after finishing his discussion with the jumpy Crouch guy. Honestly, expecting the guy to defeat Voldemort to use his sign.

Suddenly Harry had an idea, "Just participate, sir?"

"Yes," Dumbledore replied slightly befuddled. Harry saw the same idea flit through his Head of House's mind. If one could say anything flitted any where around Severus Snape.

"Excellent, I may not die after all," Harry replied and refused to say a word after that and went to his dorms to write his will, just in case.

The morning of the first task he laughed at his housemates' confusion at his good mood. He went to the champions' tent and laughed when he saw he picked the Hungarian Horntail as his challenge.

Finally all three true champions finished their attempts to get the golden egg and it was Harry's turn. He walked confidently onto the field and faced the Horntail, lifted his wand high into the air and shouted an incantation.

A white flag popped out of his wand, he waved it three times, and walked out of enclosure leaving behind stunned silence and a roaring dragon. He still managed to get nine points for the obstacle from Bagman. Snape gave 10 points to Slytherin for not dieing.

The judges ended up giving Harry the egg anyway so he could try to figure out the clue; which he opened once just so he could say he did. He followed the rest of the school down to the lake on the morning of the second task and stood with the other champions, who were dressed for a swim.

The task started, Harry dipped a toe in the lake and put up his white flag again. He then went to find his housemates to watch the rest of the task. He laughed quite hard when he found out that Zabini, as his best mate, was down in the lake waiting for him to rescue him. This was working out better than he thought. He got another 9 points from Bagman and another 10 points for Slytherin for not dieing, again. He also got 5 points for orchestrating a suitable revenge on his friend. And, as a true Slytherin, he didn't mention that he had no idea what was to happen.

Zabini was fine. Irritated, but fine.

Between the second and third tasks, Mad-Eye Moody tried to convince Harry that he should at least try the third task. To get Moody off his back, Harry promised to try harder on the third task.

Come the third task Harry was thankful that he didn't have to do exams as a champion, even though Professor Snape was making him take his Potions final anyway. Snape pointed out that even though he was a champion, he wasn't acting like one. He even showed up to the Yule Ball alone, just to piss off Bagman. The money grubbing bastard.

Harry waited the twenty minutes between himself and Diggory, the leader of the tournament. He even walked into the maze that the officials put up. He walked all the way until their was a fork in the maze at which point, he set up the red sparks that indicated he was giving up and needed rescued.

Hagrid got him from the maze, grinning, and asked why he even needed the sparks. Harry replied, "I got lost."

Moody was rather irritated that he wasn't the one who grabbed Harry from the maze and tried to speak with him in private, to which Harry absolutely refused, and was saved from going anywhere with the creepy old auror by both Dumbledore and Snape. Snape pointed at Moody's flask and suddenly the adults were dueling.

Harry dived out of the way. Maybe he was going to die after all. Hagrid plucked him up and ran into the crowd away from the fire fight that most people were watching instead of the champions scurrying around the maze like trapped mice.

As it turned out, Moody was discovered as a fake once Dumbledore managed to stupefy him, and found the portkey on his person that would have delivered Harry to Voldemort so Voldemort could return to full power.

Snape gave Harry 10 points to Slytherin for pure dumb luck that Hagrid reached him first. He also gave Harry 10 points for not dieing.

Harry updated his will so that Hagrid would get his Firebolt instead of Granger, just in case fifth year proved to be deadlier than his fourth.

AN: Sorry about this piece of… work…