RIGH. YOUR LAST CHANCE TO TURN BACK. THIS FIC IS YURI! IT MEANS LESBIAN SEX. I'm sorry if I ruined someone's OTP, that was not my intention, no need to comment to tell me you hate yuri or me for writing this.
Ja ei, en tiedostanut kirjoittavani song ficciä Movetronin biisitä 'Nelirivinen' ennenkuin tämä oli jo valmisXD
Sasuko is having a good day. The atmosphere in the small flat is oddly calm and almost manic at the same time, like something has just happened or is about to happen any second and the apartment is holding its breath, waiting. The feeling makes the hair behind Naruko's neck stand up as she takes off her jacket and organizes it into a crooked metallic hanger. Naruko hasn't seen these signs for so long she can't help being a bit wary. Her girlfriend's psyche is like a force of nature; scary, overwhelming and completely, dangerously unpredictable. A butterfly decides to take flight somewhere across the ocean and Sasuko loses it. Naruko's own storm in a jar, a microcosm of chaos theory.
The apartment is full of light and brisk autumn air that moves in rushes and twirls all around Naruko as she crosses the living room to their small kitchen. The breakfast dishes haven't been washed, only piled up in shaky towers by the sink. The dishwasher hasn't been emptied; one dirty glass has been put on the top rack and is now bleeding watery milk all over the shiny clean plates. This is the best sign. Sasuko can only tolerate mess when she's feeling extremely good.
More glasses and coffee mugs are scattered on the shelves and living room table, and one of Sasuko's art books is lying upside down on the armrest of their black sofa. A trail of homely disorder leading from the kitchen to their bedroom. Sasuko hasn't left the flat today.
Naruko enters the bedroom cautiously. She has to use every last bit of her mental strength to suppress the rising optimism. One wrong move and everything could be ruined.
The bedroom is empty.
She's not there. The door of Sasuko's side of their wardrobe is open and for some reason the shimmering black dress Sasuko wore to her graduation is hanging from the handle. Maybe she's been dancing like she used to.
Something doesn't feel right in the room, and it's not just the dress. Naruko turns around, examines the walls and the bed, then turns again, trying to spot the flaw. The unfamiliarity makes her panic slightly, her chest hurts. She turns again. She knows this room, it's her room and now something is wrong and she can't see it…
The TV is gone. The empty space where it used to sit on top of the cherry wood drawer throws the room off balance. Naruko exhales deeply.
She walks past the bed over to the drawer. The small ventilation window above it is open, and a bundle of cords run out through it onto the balcony. Naruko follows them with her eyes and finally spots a tuft of black hair in the corner of the balcony right under the window, almost hidden. Naruko taps on the glass. No reaction. She calls Sasuko's name through the ventilation window. Nothing.
She goes back to the living room and opens the balcony door.
"Hey," she says, leaning against the door frame.
Sasuko looks up. She doesn't smile, but her mouth is relaxed and defenseless and her black eyes soft. She wearing nothing but an old white t-shirt and blue hot pant knickers and the way she sitting with her knees up gives Naruko a perfect view of the smooth dent where Sasuko's thighs meet her ass and the delicate roundness between them, now barely covered with bright blue cotton. Sasuko is beautiful, she's always been beautiful and just looking at her, even after all this time, makes Naruko's heart do a funny little jump. Usually her beauty is a little frightening, crackling and electric and demanding and forcing Naruko to bend over backwards with malign promises of make up sex. That's all they have these days, make up sex. There so much making up to do. But now Sasuko's different. Childish, something between extremely sexual and innocently fragile.
The TV is on the floor in front of Sasuko, sound off, and her toes, pink from the cold, are curling up against the smooth panel hiding the buttons under the screen.
"What are you watching?"
Still no answer, Sasuko's attention is back on the television. Naruko steps over the threshold and sits down next to her girlfriend. She's is watching ballet. Grotesquely flexible bodies twist and bend, intertwine and separate. The lack of sound makes their movements seem pointless, like writhing of dying insects.
"She's dying," Sasuko says, pointing to a girl in gray. "She got poisoned."
"I thought they all are."
Sasuko smiles, one of her condescending elitist smiles. Naruko used to get a lot more of those when they'd first started seeing each other. Back then she thought those smiles were the sexiest thing ever, Sasuko was strange and exciting and Naruko wanted to be more like her, reach her level. They talked about books and strange, dark poems that Naruko'd never heard of, and everytime she asked a stupid question she got that smile. And she got one on the mattress on the floor of Sasuko's disturbingly empty studio apartment when she confessed she'd never been with a girl before. Sasuko taught her. The next morning Naruko woke up happier than ever and brought Sasuko coffee in bed and told her she loved her. Sasuko laughed and called Naruko naïve and said she had no time for love.
Back then Sasuko's hair was sleek and perfectly styled, sharp and geometric in the front and shorter at the back, and she never left home without dark red lipstick and stiletto heels. Now she's sitting on the floor, barely clothed. Her black hair has grown too long and her lips are so dry they're nearly constantly bleeding. Naruko brushes one soft tendril of black hair away from Sasuko's eyes.
"We all are," Sasuko says without looking away from the television.
"Dying. We're all dying. But death is only dramatic enough to be artistic when it's exaggerated. Even common deaths, heart attacks, slipping on ice, fallings asleep with a cigarette, you name it, they need to be exaggerated. Excessive realism seems disgusting to us, stranger than fantasy."
"It's not disgusting, it's scary. People don't want to die."
"Sure they do. But not before someone's come up with a way for them to find out who comes to their funeral. You'll never be as loved as on the day you're buried."
"You're making zero sense again."
"I know," Sasuko sighs. "I've been thinking all day. I shouldn't do that." She turns the TV off and gets up, stretching. Then she just stands there for a little while, looking down at Naruko. She lifts one cold foot and pokes Naruko lightly on the stomach with her big toe.
"Is that a new shirt?"
"No, I bought it like a month ago."
"Oh." Sasuko shrugs. "Well, it looks good on you."
"You never notice what I'm wearing. You never notice anything."
That smile again.
"Sure I do. I just said it looks good, didn't I?"
That evening Sasuko wants to go out and Naruko knows the calm is over again. Sasuko changes her clothes absentmindedly, forgets make-up brushes all over the flat and keeps getting a new glass for her wine instead of refilling her old one.
They first head over to a local gay bar, but before they even get in Sasuko decides she wants to go somewhere else.
"I hate that place. Full of fat ugly lesbians with no hair and nothing to say about anything except antidepressants and the L-word."
"We're both girls who fuck girls and the last time I checked there's at least four little jars full of sedatives in our bathroom."
Sasuko laughs and takes Naruko's hand. Her fingernails dig into Naruko's palm.
"We're different. Everyone else is on pills because they can't understand the world. We're on pills because the world can't understand us."
And sometimes we don't understand each other, Naruko thinks.
They start arguing after three drinks. Naruko is at the counter, trying to get them two more ciders and Sasuko's gone to the bathroom. And older man compliments Naruko on her hair, but his eyes are somewhere lower. She's wonders, not for the first time, why having big boobs somehow makes her public property. Girls like Sasuko can doll up all they want and people think they're doing it for themselves, being Independent Women or some goddamn third wave feminists, and then someone with Naruko's body type wears a V-neck top and she's a maneater.
But this particular guy is ok, a bit drunk and staring slightly too openly, but friendly none the less. So Naruko puts up with him, only turns away to dig something from her purse when he leans too close.
"So, are you here alone?"
"No, I'm here with my girlfriend."
"Uh huh… Is there a boyfriend?"
Naruko sighs. It's interesting how blind and deaf straight men can be when they have their eyes on a target.
"No, I have a girlfriend," she repeats patiently. The man just stares at her.
"She's a fucking lesbian, that's what she means. At least I thought she was." Sasuko is standing behind them, arms crossed and clearly pissed off as hell.
Naruko turns on her stool to give Sasuko her drink. "Sas-"
"Save it." She turns on her heels and walks back to their table with sharp, angry steps. Naruko is left there with the stranger, holding a cider in the air and feeling very stupid.
"You'd be better off with a boyfriend," the man remarks and turns to his beer. Apparently he wants nothing more to do with crazy lesbians.
"Oh, fuck off." With that Naruko grabs her bag and the ciders and follows Sasuko.
After that they just fight. Not just about the man at the counter, about the cider that's not dry enough and the music that's shit and how boring it is that they can never go to a proper night club because Naruko always has lectures the next morning. It's not true, Naruko'd go in a heart beat. But Sasuko never wants to.
And then Sasuko just leaves and Naruko has to embarrass herself by running after her, apologizing for something she didn't do. Sasuko's anger is always like that, irrational; she changes topics, twists everything and blames everyone she knows for things she did herself and Naruko for everything else. Naruko feels like crying, she hates getting upset so easily. If she didn't, they wouldn't fight so much. Sasuko wouldn't want to fight if Naruko never cried.
"I don't even know what we're talking about," Naruko finally whispers, exhausted. They're back home and it's five in the morning. The argument comes and goes in waves, not too long ago they were already curled up at the couch in each others' arms, sharing the rest of the red wine and about to move over to the bedroom. And then something Naruko said set Sasuko off again.
"Of course you don't. That's what I hate most about you, you're always so fucking innocent. You know, stupidity is not cute. It's annoying." Sasuko is standing in front of Naruko, almost smiling, and her eyes are wide and icy. "How could you know, you don't even try to understand. Everything is good when no one talks about anything. It's always like that for you, isn't it, you're either happy or sad, it's either sunny or raining, no middle way. Well, guess what, people aren't like that. At least I'm not."
"I never said you had to be! If I wanted someone black and white I never would've fallen in love-"
"Yeah, yeah. You love me. Well isn't that great. What does it even mean?"
"What? I… I can't explain that! I just love you, why do I have to explain anything?" The tears are falling faster than Naruko can wipe them off.
"Why do you love me?" Sasuko's voice is still cold, but her tone is less accusing.
"I don't know," Naruko says. "I don't know." She can't control herself anymore, she tired and confused and crying hurts her eyes and throat.
"You shouldn't love me. It's no use. I don't even know if I love you. I don't know what love is."
"Don't say that… please don't say that." Naruko is on her knees on the floor, wiping her eyes furiously.
Sasuko sighs. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."
"Yes, you did. You don't say things you don't mean. You never do. I wish you did so that I didn't have to bleed and die and hurt for every word that comes out of your mouth."
"That's what I meant. Why do you love me? All I do is hurt you."
"I love you! It's not a choice! Love isn't like that! I don't know what it is, either, but I sure as hell know what it isn't! It's not analyzing and deciding and it's not always useful and reasonable and doesn't always make sense! And it doesn't have to! But I still love you!" Naruko knows she's making even less sense than Sasuko, and knows how pathetic she looks, down on the floor, crying and sniveling and disgustingly desperate. She trusts Sasuko, but still, everytime they have to go through this, the fear of losing her is paralysingly real. Sasuko already seems to be half gone, and Naruko's not sure what's keeping the rest of her here.
Sasuko kneels down next to Naruko. She doesn't look angry anymore, only sad. But she's not crying. Sasuko never cries.
"I love you too. I love you because you're idealistic and hopelessly romantic and never stop believing in Good and Right and All Things Pretty. But that's not life, Naruko. That's not real, and the longer you lie to yourself, the more the fall is going to hurt."
"You believe, too! We talked about it, remember, about running away and going to a big city somewhere and you'd play guitar and I'd dance and the tourists would give us their change. You believed that and you said it wouldn't matter where we are because together we'd be happy. You said that."
"I did believe, back then," Sasuko says quietly. "But things don't work that way in this world, Naruko. I can't promise you things like that."
"You don't have to," Naruko sniffs as she leans forward and wraps her arms around Sasuko's neck. "I'm promising you." She leans closer and closer and finally Sasuko ends up sitting on the floor, back against the sofa, with Naruko lying in her arms.
"You can't promise that, either," Sasuko whispers and catches a tear at the corner of Naruko's mouth.
"Yes, I can. Trust me."
"It's not you I'm doubting."
Naruko turns to look up at Sasuko's face. Black eyes stare at the wall and the hand stroking her hair has stopped moving. Naruko wants to ask, wants to force it out of the other girl. The Sasuko she fell in love with must still be there somewhere, waiting for Naruko to find her. But she's tired. And going down that road would mean another fight and more crying. Naruko doesn't want that. She wants to sleep in her girlfriends arms.
So instead of talking she grabs the black upholstery of the sofa and pushes herself up to kiss Sasuko on the mouth. She's prepared to force this a little, too, but doesn't have to. Sasuko melts into the kiss, her back bends and she slides down. Naruko's hand behind her head keeps it from banging on the floor.
"I'm so fucking tired," Sasuko whispers as they finally break apart. Naruko is half on top her, legs under the sofa.
"Me too," she says, relieved. "Let's go to bed."
Sasuko looks up at her. Her dark eyes look like black holes in the shadow of Naruko's hair, and her make up is smudged.
Naruko is exhausted but can't sleep. She can hear Sasuko moving round in the living room and out on the balcony. She only stayed in bed for five minutes, then got up to wash her face and never came back. Naruko knows she's thinking and that means that peace is only temporary. Just like she always fears every fight is the end of their relationship, she also hopes that every reconciliation would be the end of all their problems. But they're still together, and they still fight.
Never stay in an abusive relationship, Naruko's been told over and over again. Never stay in a relationship that takes more than it gives. No, she mentally yells at herself. That is not what this is. Every relationship has rough patches, Naruko would have been idiotic to expect things to always be like they were in the beginning. People fight, that's life. But the thought stays in her mind like a mosquito, impossible to ignore. What good is love if all it brings is pain?
She squeezes her eyes shut. No, no, no. I will not give up. Not on this. Not on her.
The mattress moves as Sasuke crawls into the bed. She says nothing to Naruko, but after a few seconds of silence, a gentle kiss is placed on her upper back. Suddenly it's better again, or at least it's not hopeless. When they first got together, whenever they fought and Sasuko left, she always appeared at Naruko's door sooner or later with a weird I'm Sorry –present. Naruko got a pink cactus, a moonstone pendant and a black stuffed kitten with one eye missing. "I though it was cute," Sasuko said when Naruto laughed at the kitty. Now there weren't any more presents, but tonight that little kiss was enough and she falls asleep with a smile on her lips.