A/N. Ok, I've read loads and loads of stuff here on . AND THIS IS NO MORE GRAPHIC THAT 99% OF THE YAOI HERE, so I came into the conclusion that this still fits under the M rating. The fact that it's girl on girl sex and not OMGbuttsechs doesn't somehow make it more indecent.
Sasuko wakes up before seven and grudgingly admits that she might have a bit of a hangover. Naruko is still asleep, her long hair framing her face like a golden silk scarf. The skin around her eyes is still puffy and a little red. Sasuko feels bad for making her cry. She always feels bad. In the beginning she wanted to test Naruko, see where her limits were and maybe toughen her up a bit. But Naruko never got cynical, never doubted Sasuko's genuineness. Every fight was the end of the world for Naruko, and still is.
As Sasuko slides out from under the covers Naruko makes a small sound and turns to Sasuko's side of the bed, as if to keep her from leaving. Her golden hair spills over her face. Sasuko carefully brushes it back. She looks so young. No, not young. Unspoilt. No matter how hard she tried, Sasuko never managed to corrupt Naruko.
Sasuko gets up and takes a painkiller. When she comes back to bed Naruko has turned away again.
When Naruko's alarm rings, Sasuko pretends to still
be asleep. She won't be going to the university today, just like
she didn't yesterday and won't tomorrow. Naruko has long stopped
pestering her about it.
The smell of coffee sneaks into the bedroom. Sasuko wants coffee, wants coffee so bad, but after last night she just can't talk to Naruko, not yet. So she buries her face into the pillow and waits until Naruko has had her coffee, showered, dried her hair, drank more coffee and finally left.
Sasuko moves over to the other side of the bed and leans against Naruko's pillow. It smells of Naruko's hair, the coconut of her shampoo and the strawberry of her hairspray. It's the smell Sasuko has come to associate with home, with safety. With the life she never thought was for her, but somehow ended up having anyway. Naruko was so impossibly convincing, the idea of living with her never made Sasuko anxious, it was a funny dream they talked about on the roof of Sasuko's building while sharing an after sex vanilla cigar, but somehow it became real before Sasuko had time to react. After that it was impossible to get out, every looming panic attack of Sasuko's was drowned in Naruko's arms, against her soft, perfect body that curved against Sasuko when she tried to walk away.
Sasuko gets up, away from the confusing scent. The laminate floor is cold under her feet. The kitchen is warmer and full of morning sunlight. It feels like summer, but that's a lie. Deceitful sun telling make-believe. The coffee is cold.
She empties the French press into the kitchen sink. She shouldn't, the coffee grounds might clog it, but she's too lazy to walk to the bathroom to use the toilet instead. The water boiler takes three minutes and then it takes four for the coffee to brew and the she can press the plunger down.
Sasuko likes her coffee strong and black. Naruko only drinks coffee with milk. They argued about it in the beginning, but it was one of those sexy little debates when you're really talking about something entirely different.
"Black coffee is disgusting," Naruko said and leaned against the shabby red velvet back of her arm chair. They were inside a dimly lit café, outside it was sunny and warm but Sasuko hated sunlight so terrace was no option.
"Do you, now?"
"Yeah," she twirled a lock of blonde hair around her finger. "It's too bitter. The taste hurts my mouth."
Sasuko moved her finger slowly around the rim of her steaming cup. "Pain is fun sometimes."
Naruko blushed but stayed in the game. "I might've known you'd be like that."
Sasuke pushed her cup closer to Naruko. "Try it, you might even like it."
Sasuko snaps out of her
memories and chooses a black mug from the cupboard. She needs
something to keep her from thinking too much. A film, maybe
They have an impressive collection of films. Artsy films, gay and lesbian classics, mindless action movies, all lined up in alphabetical order on the middle shelf of the large white bookshelf. Sasuko doesn't want any of those now.
Her special films are in the bottom
drawer, simple black covers with no writing.
She chooses one and puts the anonymous golden DVD into the player before settling on the couch.
Sasuko doesn't watch porn to get off. It doesn't even turn her on, not really. But there's something mesmerizing about the carnivalisation of sex, something beautiful and natural has been turned into a freak show. It's a lot like art and death. Like everything else she watches, her porn is also always without sound. Masses of satirical characters, like puppets, spasming in pools of sweat and cum, orifices spread wider than they should, and everyone gritting their teeth trying to pretend they're having the time of their life when really they're just lying.
black-haired man finally comes on the woman's face and the scene
changes again. A curvy blonde is lying on an ugly couch in lacy black
underwear, talking on the phone. It doesn't take long for her hand
to wander between her legs. Sasuko bites her fingernail. The blonde
looks a little like Naruko, if she ever wore bright purple
Sasuko remembers a conversation from when they'd just moved in together. She'd jokingly told Naruko that she liked to watch porn. Naruko had laughed and pretended to be disgusted but Sasuko managed to persuade her to watch a film with her. They giggled and gagged and had to stop the film every fifteen minutes to catch their breath.
"Have you ever thought of doing something like that?" Sasuko asked when the movie was over. Naruko twisted in Sasuko's arms to properly glare at her girlfriend.
"Me? Porn? Are you saying I look like a porn star?"
Sasuko kissed her. "No, I'm saying all the porn stars want to look like you."
"Well, you know, all tits and ass and kiss me –lips and you're blonde, like, everywhere."
Naruko blushed. She'd never learned how to take a compliment, even from Sasuko. Sasuko left it at that, she never told Naruko that she had and still did, in fact, toy with the idea of doing porn. Not really, she never would, the whole industry is disturbing and demeaning and all sorts of wrong, but somehow the idea of being taken like that by an ugly man with a huge cock and having to pretend and pretend through the whole thing is so disgusting it almost turns her on.
She watches the blonde on the couch and her own hand slides down to her crotch. Straight inside her pajama pants, Sasuko's never been one for teasing if she's alone. She's annoyingly dry, she needs to reach inside herself for lubrication and start slower than she'd like. Masturbation for Sasuko isn't sexy, it's more relaxing, almost like meditation. There's a tension that needs release, plain and simple. Sasuko wonders if people would buy films of her fingering herself. Probably not, after all she's quick and quiet, not a proper show like Blondie on the screen.
Her finger moves easier now, she can feel herself swell up to meet the pressure of her middle finger. The first proper shiver makes her gasp a little, and then she realizes she's staring at the ceiling instead of the TV.
The blonde has finally gotten a companion, a mousy-looking man with pathetic moustache. But as usual, his cock is huge. It looks strange, like an extra limb. Something that shouldn't be there. Something that shouldn't be between two people. Sasuko's never been with a man, and doesn't really want to. But losing her virginity in the traditional sense is strangely appealing. Allowing someone else to break you, break something that can never be healed. Although, she smiles sadly to herself, anything there ever was to break inside her, Naruko has already broken.
She closes her eyes and concentrates. She can feel the orgasm slipping away, she's thinking too much. That's the worst. When you can't come but are still too turned on to focus on anything else. She lies back against the pillows and takes a deep breath. The man in the film is jerking off and makes weird squeaky sounds, rhythmically like an old rocking-chair.
Yeah. That's it. Sasuko admits defeat, pulls her hand out of her pants and heads for the shower.
water is so cold it makes her skin freeze and her scalp sting. After
a while she's shivering so hard she has to lean against the tile
wall to stay standing.
How the hell did she allow this to happen? It's been four years and her life is nothing but this tiny little apartment. Nothing else. All her plans, all her ambitions, gone. She wipes her soaking hair off her face with a violently shaking hand. Naruko's not the only one who misses someone who's not there anymore. Sasuko doesn't think she'd recognize her old self if they somehow miraculously met on the street.
She had so many plans. Places she wanted to go and stories she wanted to write. And most of all, she wanted to find her brother.
Her mother died five years ago, two years before Naruko came along, and left Sasuko a moderate amount of money and her diary from when she was nineteen herself. Sasuko had read about her mother's travels all over the world, about a man she'd met in a small bistro by some exotic beach and the child she'd had with that man. A son she left behind. Sasuko's older brother.
She read the diary so many times she knew it by heart. Her brother became something like an obsession to her. She imagined what he'd look like; similar to her, she was sure, despite them having different fathers. She imagined him very successful in something or other, something artistic, maybe. And how when they would finally meet they would recognize each other immediately, and she'd have a family again.
Naruko offered to help her in this quest, of course. But she wanted to take the conventional route, putting ads in papers and searching online and calling the police. But that was wrong. In everything else Sasuko was always meticulous and sensible, but not with her brother. She knew the only way to find him was to take the route her mother traveled. And he would come to her.
She turns the water off and steps
out of the shower.
It's not like she doesn't want those things anymore. Not like she couldn't still do them. The worst thing, the thing that handicaps her motivation completely, is that now she feels guilty for those dreams. Feels selfish for wanting them. Naruko always talked about the two of them as a family. She never said it out loud but Sasuko knew what she was thinking. That her brother was unnecessary now.
She walks back to the bedroom naked, dripping cold water everywhere. She needs to sit on the bed for a little while, the convulsive shaking tries to force the coffee back up.
With her head in her hands she breathes, deep, before feeling secure enough to stand up again.
She opens the closet and starts going through her clothes. So much stuff she never wears anymore, stuff she should've thrown away years ago. She pulls out a black sleeveless turtleneck top she wore when she first met Naruko. Her earring got stuck and nearly ripped off when Naruko tried to get the top off of her. Sasuko throws the top on the floor.
Next her hand finds a horribly conservative red cardigan. The one she met Naruko's foster family in. They were all loud and smiley and her foster dad kept telling dirty and offensive jokes about lesbian sex. Perhaps dressing conservative was a necessary safety measure around that man, Sasuko thinks as the cardigan joins the black top on the floor.
The pile grows steadily. Her graduation dress, her
burgundy corset top, her purple velvet jacket, three pairs of skinny
black jeans. Her horrible black catsuit she wore to an eighties party
with her ex, who was a psycho and got them into fight with three men
that night. There's still a rip on the left knee of the suit from
their mad escape through dirty back alleys.
And the black dress she wore to her mother's funeral. She sat alone, her father didn't show up.
And her old dressing gown. She stands up and wraps the black silk garment around her bare shoulders. It's wrinkled and smells a bit stale but the large aquamarine peacock embroidered on the back is just as beautiful as she remembered.
"You look like an Egyptian queen," Naruko told her when she first saw the robe on Sasuko. She ran her hands up Sasuko's silk-covered thighs and sides, briefly brushing her breasts to get her nipples harden against the fabric. Then she slid off the sofa they were curled up on and knelt on the floor in front of Sasuko.
"My queen," Naruko smiled, and bent her golden head to kiss Sasuko's hand.
Now she looks a little less royal. Her hair is slowly drying in all directions and her skin is almost blue from the cold. Well, at least it matches the embroidery. She walks closer to the full length mirror next to Naruko's side of the bed and stares into her own eyes. Come on, get a grip. If you're going to do this, do it right.
After hanging the robe out on the balcony to freshen, she takes a warm bath to recover from the cold shower. Then she checks herself with a hand mirror and shaves and trims wherever necessary. Liberal amounts of vanilla body cream and she moves on to her hair. Between the spray-on conditioner and blow drying she goes to the kitchen and opens the most expensive red wine they have. She drinks the first glass in one go there in the kitchen, then fills the glass again and returns to the steamy hot bathroom.
When she's finally happy with her hair she opens the second drawer under the sink. Putting on make up is calming, like painting by numbers. Her face is a canvas and she can do whatever she wants with it, but the invisible lines of habit are there to guide her and keep her from thinking. Sasuko works slowly, enjoying every stroke of every brush and pad on her skin. She uses three different shades of gray on her eyelids, from pearly dove gray to cold dark steel. Black liquid eyeliner outside, white eyeliner inside, mascara, dozens of q-tips.
She lines her lips with a rusty red pencil before colouring them with dark burgundy lipstick. The she wipes her them clean and does it again.
Then she irons the dressing gown and pulls it on, spritzes a little perfume on herself, fills her own and another glass with wine and sits down on the couch to wait. It's quarter past four, and Naruko should be back any minute now.
When the lock of the front door clicks Sasuko stands up.
"Hi! I'm ho-" Naruko stops and stares. The door swings shut on its own.
"I'm glad you are," Sasuke says and offers her a glass of wine. "I was waiting."
Naruko lets her green messenger bag fall on the floor before extending her hand to receive the glass. She doesn't say anything, just looks at Sasuko. From her hair and face down to the flash of thigh and leg visible through the gap in the black silk. For a long time she just stands there, looking, holding her glass but not drinking.
Her expression is precisely what Sasuko expected. Awed, happy, hardly believing her eyes. She recognizes every detail, every hint from the past.
"You haven't worn that in ages," she finally says with a shy smile. She steps closer, her free hand rises and falls back to her side. She afraid to touch, Sasuko can see that. Afraid of realizing it's only a ghost she's looking at.
"I'm real," Sasuko says, a little more venomously than she intended. Acting the part is harder than she thought. Calm down, she tells herself, and sets her glass down on the small coffee table. "Still me," she says out loud, forcing her voice to stay soft and sweet.
Naruko looks a little bewildered. "I know that."
"What are you talking about?"
"You wish I was the person I was when we met. You want her, not me. And you know what? That's fine."
" No, that's not true, Sasuko! I lo-"
"Do you want to talk," Sasuko interrupts and bluntly lets the dressing gown fall onto the floor. "or do you want to fuck me?"
Naruko looks like she's about to cry again. She takes a large, reassuring gulp of her wine and sets the glass down next to Sasuko's.
"I'm sorry," Sasuko sighs. This is going all wrong. She bends to pick up the robe and slides it on again.
"No! Don't.. I…" Naruko sounds a little desperate. Sasuko smiles.
"I'm not. I just figured you'd want to take it off me yourself."
opens and closes her mouth a couple of times as she tries to
understand what Sasuko just said. Then she smiles, a wide, genuinely
happy smile that lights the entire room like the summer sun. She
hasn't smiled like that in a long time.
The smile narrows a bit but doesn't fade as Naruko steps closer, her front teeth come down on her full lower lip. She's trying to control her excitement.
She lifts her hands onto Sasuko's shoulders, slides them into her hair and down her jawline. A thumb strokes her lips, careful not to mess the lipstick. Sasuko opens her mouth and licks the tip of the finger. Naruko giggles and pulls her hand away.
"I know you're sick of hearing it," she says quietly as she slides her hands around Sasuko's waist, "but I really do love you."
"Do you? Do you really?"
Instead of answering Sasuko wraps an arm around Naruko's neck and pulls her close enough to kiss her. It's a long, slow kiss, like their very first one was in that student party, years ago. Tasting, examining, inside and outside and sometimes there are fingers in there too and when they finally pull apart, Sasuko's lips aren't that neat anymore. And neither are Naruko's.
"Now you're wearing lipstick, too." Sasuko grins and licks her lips. Naruko smiles and leans in for another one.
"Uh uh," Sasuko grabs her by the wrists and steps away. "No more until you've done something about all those clothes."
"Is that so," Naruko unzips her light blue jacket and drops is off. "A kiss for every piece."
It starts off that way, but after she's got her scarf and her hoodie off, Sasuko's wrapped all over her again and is generously helping with the undressing. Walking while stripping is difficult and Naruko trips over her jean legs, trying to get them off without stopping the kissing or the moving towards the bedroom.
"Idiot," Sasuko laughs into Naruko's hair while trying to keep her up. "You are such an idiot." She breathes in the familiar scent. Memorise, she tries to command brain. Never forget this smell.
Ironically the black dressing gown is the last to go. Gentle hands guide it down Sasuko's shoulders, and then her skin is caressed slowly, admiringly, as if it was silk, too. There's still that smile on Naruko's lips, the smile of a child on Christmas morning. No, the smile of an orphan reunited with their family. That thought takes Sasuko back to her brother, and slowly the two dots connect. She's ready to break one family to gain another. How is she to know which is the one that would make her happy, which dream is the right one. She shakes her head as if the thoughts could be pushed out through her ears. Naruko laughs.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing. Come here."
"I'm right here."
"Closer." Sasuko sits down on their bed and pulls her girlfriend down by the waist. "Closer."
"I can't get any closer than this," Naruko giggles against her lips.
"Yes, you can," Sasuko whispers and pushes Naruko's right forearm away from her shoulder, across her stomach and lower.
Naruko's smile changes. The
puppy-like devotion is replaced by something else, something…
different. She looks straight into Sasuko's eyes as she pushes her
fully onto the bed and as she leans back down and her fingers slide
between Sasuko's legs. It's like Naruko can see right through
her, see everything, her thoughts, her plan, her every secret. Like
they're perfectly equal, and Sasuko has no upper hand.
The tips of Naruko's finger slide over her clit and the shiver is an excuse to close her eyes. She squeezes them shut and lets her head fall back, away from those blue eyes that threaten to break her resolution.
Naruko's playing with her. Fingers dance around, dipping inside her and getting her needy and wanting and then returning up to send those electric shocks all through her. And wherever Sasuko's own hands go, there's hot skin and soft hair and even softer mouth sucking on her fingertips.
And then the fingers finally find their way inside her, two at the same time, and she feels so raw, so impossibly bare in every sense of the word. Naruko presses more tightly against her to be able to move her arm better but Sasuko grabs her wrist.
"Wait… wait!" she pushes the hand away. The fingers slide out and the feeling of emptiness is almost painful.
"Oh god! Did I hurt you? I'm sorry!"
"No, I'm fine. I want to turn around." I can't look at you. Sasuko buries her face into the pillow. It's her own pillow, no strawberries. Naruko's breast press against Sasuko's back and her long hair tickles her sides as Naruko leans closer and her fingers spread Sasuko open. She imagines there's someone different behind her, maybe the blonde from the film. Anyone. Someone who expects nothing of her.
"You're so fucking hot like
that…" Naruko whispers and Sasuko's pulled back into reality
again. The fingers inside her bend, curl and tickle her in secret
places and she's feels so good and so bad it's overwhelming.
Then Naruko's little finger manages to find her clit again, how the hell do her fingers twist that way? And Sasuko's brain doesn't know where to focus anymore. She needs a distraction, something, or else she'll disappear completely. So she leans forwards until her chest touches the mattress and slides her thing properly between Naruko's legs. Warm wetness smears the skin on her thigh and Naruko moans, her head falls onto Sasuko's lower back.
She can feel Naruko's teeth on her spine, scratching the bone. Hard teeth, soft, tickling hair. Slow, sensual circles on the outside and then those wonderfully skilled, intrusive, shameless fingers inside her, reaching so far Sasuko can feel them somewhere around her heart, and that beat, steadily growing faster and filling her entirely, she doesn't now whose heart that is, or if it's just one that they're now sharing.
It would be so easy to just let go. All her self-reflection has gotten her so frustrated the physical reactions are stronger than what she's used to. Too strong. Sex has always been more about the other person, getting them to react the way Sasuko wants, having them completely under her control. But now she could just give up. Her body already has, her hips are moving exactly where Naruko's fingers tell them to, and a gentle turn of a fingertip gets her leg between Naruko's thigs to move faster or slower, whatever Naruko wants.
It would be so easy and it would feel so good, but Sasuko knows that after the sweat had dried and she caught her breath again, she would hate herself.
Naruko's only vaguely troubled as Sasuko pushes up and twists her hips to get away from under her. The emptiness her fingers leave behind as they're forced out is a hundred times worse now. Sasuko doesn't need to say anything, only touch Naruko's hip and the other girl rolls over onto her back obediently, spreading both her arms and legs to welcome her.
Sasuko's right leg is nestled perfectly between Naruko's and Sasuko arches her back and presses herself down against Naruko's upper thigh. Naruko gasps as Sasuko's prominent hip bone grinds down on her clit. Sasuko doesn't even have to aim anymore, the right position comes naturally. They've done it so many times. Naruko's arms wrap tightly around Sasuko as she leans closer and hides her face in the crook of Naruko's neck.
Naruko hasn't felt this happy, this fulfilled, this… perfect, in a long long time. Sasuko is so close, so there, so much like she used to be. Her thin, sweaty body is moving on top of Naruko's smoothly, like this was the one thing it was created to do. Naruko squeezes her tighter and pushes her knee higher. Sasuko moans into her ear, the sexiest sound Naruko has ever heard. The movements of Sasuko's hips get faster, if Naruko wasn't so turned on the bone would hurt her. But instead it makes her arch up as the wave finally rides over her, and doing that her leg grinds even harder against Sasuko, who in turn goes completely rigid and then lets out a small, choked gasp. They've never come at the same time before.
"Oh my god," Naruko whispers. Her heart is beating harder than it has ever had to before, desperately trying to get her blood back up for her brain to function properly. Sasuko lying completely limp on top of her isn't helping.
"Hey, I can't breath," Naruko teases and pokes Sasuko in the ribs. The other girl doesn't move.
"Are you ok?"
Sasuko shakes her head and her hair tickles Naruko's cheek. Then she slowly pulls up and turns away, covering her eyes with her hand. She's crying.
"Oh my god, honey? What's wrong?" Despite Sasuko's shoulders stiffening at the touch, Naruko wraps her arms around her. Sasuko is staring at her hand, wet from the tears, like she's never seen anything like it before. Naruko's never seen her cry, but thought it was a pride thing, that she saved her tears until she was alone. But maybe she really never did.
"They're just tears," Naruko says and hides the wet palm under her own. "Will you please just tell me what's wrong?"
Sasuko sniffs. She's never really done that either, whenever she got sick she marinated herself in garlic and honey and sat in the bathroom with the hot water running to kill the bug as fast and completely as possible before appearing in front of other people. Despite her worrying, Naruko thinks that Sasuko sniffing is just impossibly cute.
Sasuko shakes her head and wipes her eyes once more. "Nothing. It's nothing. Just… a reaction. You know, happens sometimes. Never happened to me before, though," she smiles slightly, "but you know, a good reaction."
oh. Ok. That's…. that's good," Naruko smiles, too. She
doesn't let go of
Sasuko, hugs her ever tighter. Her girlfriend, her crazy, sadistic, perfectly composed girlfriend is crying in front of her for the first time, and it's not because of a fight, not because she's in pain or angry, but because she came, better than she ever has before. Now that must be true happiness, right?
After a while Sasuko gives in and agrees to turn over. Naruko leans her head against Sasuko's chest and listens to her heart, beating as crazy as her own.
There's nothing else but this moment, beyond the edges of the bed there's just emptiness. Everything that is anything is here.
Naruko kisses Sasuko's skin until she falls asleep, and the last thing she sees are those black eyes, still glistening with the last tears. What could go possibly go wrong as long as they're together?
Naruko realises her mistake the second she wakes up. Sasuko is not in the bed with her, and she feels more alone than she ever has before.
"Sasuko?" She gets up and runs to the living room, to the kitchen, checks the balcony. She's naked and the lights are on and the curtains open, but she doesn't care. She makes it to the foyer. Sasuko's black corduroy jacket is gone. Finally, Naruko searches the bathroom.
Neatly folded in the bathtub is Sasuko's silk nightgown, on top of it the shiny black tube of Shiseido Perfect Rouge Mystery and a small folded note. Naruko doesn't want to open it. If she just threw it away, burned it, made is disappear, then everything would be normal and Sasuko would just have gone out to the supermarket to get chocolate or something.
She touches the thin, cool fabric. Not a hint of the warmth form Sasuko's body is left, she must be long gone. Naruko opens the note. It's just one sentence, one line in that familiar slanting hand.
One line that breaks her.
You can have her and she will love you forever.
The wind is cold and messes up Sasuko's hair as she gets out of the taxi. She pays the driver and turns against the wind to get a proper look at the wide airstrip. A large plane is speeding up on the nearest lane, ready to take off. Soon, she'll be in one of them, feel the pressure of the acceleration and the jolt of take-off, that little moment of release when this earth no longer binds her. When nothing no longer binds me, she thinks as she watches the plane rise up into the gray clouds and beyond.
She's going home.