A/N: OK, so first off, this is dedicated to the ladies of Unicorns Unlimited on Ravelry[dot]com. They inspired me to do it, so it's all their fault. Except for my twisted, addled by FF mind. That had a lot to do with it as well. The CCUC (Cullen Crotchsplosion Urgent Care) organization was made up (by me? I think) through our FF stories discussions, and thus, this ridiculous idea was born. Even if you don't understand the CCUC stuff, you may still find it fun(ny). Please note: this is totes Crackfic, and as usual, Stephenie Meyer owns all that is truly Twilight.I just lose my mind with it.
I also must give a shout-out to the legendary Cleolinda, as there is a nod or two to GUC (Growing Up Cullen — if you haven't read that, I...I just can't help you). Without further ado, I present...
Edward, Jasper, and Emmett & the CCUC OnCrotch Call Center
BEEP. Hello, you've reached OnCrotch, a dedicated service to the CCUC's VIP clientele. We've detected a crotchsplosion and are contacting the Crotchsplosion Care in a Car (CCC) to be dispatched to your location. CCC will provide aftercare for this Crotchsplosion of Vehicular Extreme. Thank you for using On Crotch. We are now forwarding you to a trained OnCrotch Operator to make you comfortable during your short wait for CCC.
Starting the Cullen Crotchsplosion Urgent Care organization recently has been met with a whirlwind of success. With all the brilliant and steamy Twilight fanfiction of late (Hot Bitch being a favorite character of mine), it's no wonder there is such a engorged need for the service.
The CCUC organization has grown exponentially in volume in such a short amount of time, it's almost been difficult to keep up. Being a vampire with a few centuries' worth of knowledge as well as having enhanced abilities, however, has kept us ahead far ahead of the game. Yet, there have still been a few hiccups.
The main debacle was the day I had my sons, Edward, Jasper, and Emmett, man the phones at the OnCrotch Call Center. It was only a trial run with a control group of VIP clients to make sure the new service left them fully satisfied.
I'd come down the stairs of our home to find Edward tinkering on the piano, a new song apparently plaguing his mind.
"Edward," I spoke, pulling him from his music. "I could use your help."
Turning to me, he smiled politely. "Sure, Carlisle. What's up?"
"Well, we're starting up the Call Center for the CCUC—"
He cut me off with a groan.
"What? I caught you and Bella reading one of those fanfics last week, so don't even start. Which one was it again?"
"Mr. Horrible!" Emmett's powerful bass tones echoed throughout the house as he vaulted over the upstairs balcony to the floor below. "Poor Eddie's little Eddie has the most perfect nickname in that one. I read it. I'm awesome in it, btw. Though I think I'm a little pussified over Rose. That's crap. She'd be all over my jock like white on—"
"Emmett, for the love of God, please stop?" I begged. I've never heard of our kind developing migraines, but I'm beginning to think it may just be possible. Edward smirked at my thought. "Please don't anger Rosalie today? I need this to go smoothly."
"What?" Clearly, the boy never listened. I could hear the air coming out of Emmett's tires in the garage. Maybe he wasn't paying attention.
Edward groaned again. "Christ, Emmett! The OnCrotch Call Center. It's not like you couldn't hear him from up there."
"OOH! Can I do it? I wanna answer phones and talk to all the horny chicks. Can you imagine? Fuck, I'm getting hard just thinking about it."
I rubbed my eyes, feeling the imaginary headache begin. "Boys, please. I just need one of you to see what kind of response we get, and keep the callers calm. Can you do that?"
"I'll do it," Edward answered pointedly. "Emmett will just record the calls for later use, and I can't in all good conscience allow that."
"Fuck off, grannybritches," Emmett snorted. "I would NOT record them. I wouldn't need to. Photographic memory."
Edward stared at him in both disgust and pity. "You can't SEE them, asswipe."
"Oh, but my imagination is killer." Emmett flashed his teeth and wiggled his eyebrows.
Edward blanched. If it were possible for him to get paler, he would have. I had to chuckle at that. Poor Edward would get to see everything in Emmett's mental arsenal given time.
At that moment, Jasper came in carrying what I assumed to be several of Alice's most recent purchases. They'd just come back from a weekend in New York to celebrate their anniversary.
"Jasper!" Emmett pounced immediately. "You HAVE to come help answer calls for the Crotchline."
"OnCrotch Call Center. Please, Emmett?" I begged, turning to the desk in the front hall. I began to sort through papers and lists I'd made of things I needed to do while this got up and running.
"Whatever," he snorted, blowing off the request. "So all these chicks read fanfiction, right? All based off of US, right?"
"I know about fanfiction, Emmett," Jasper replied, deadpan, his voice flat with annoyance.
"Fuck, dude, did you get cockblocked by Bergdorf's or something? Usually Alice gets superhorny when she gets the shopping high." Jasper's anger flooded the floor. Emmett backed up. Yes, EMMETT backed up. "KIDDING, bro! I was just...never mind. OK, so me and Eddie—"
"Edward and I," Edward snottily corrected, intent on ruffling Emmett's feathers.
"Me and Dame Edna," Emmett continued, "are gonna answer the phones when these chicks—"
"There might be guys calling, too—don't be discriminatory," I interjected.
"Whatever, they can fend for themselves," he retorted. "Chicks will be spontaneously cumming all over themselves at the thought of me! You can all relax them an' shit...sending out your vibes and whatnot."
I turned to see Jasper's expression. It was confusion. "Are you serious?" He asked me. I was shocked.
"The CCUC is all about helping our clients recover as quickly as possible from a debilitating attack. With the OnCrotch service, we need to make sure our clients are calm and comfortable in the few minutes while they wait for the mobile therapists to arrive." His face softened in understanding.
Alice flitted by with an equal amount of bags and boxes and went straight up the stairs. "Alice, am I going with them?" He asked.
"Yep." She popped the P.
I heard a high-pitched giggle before their bedroom door slammed.
When I sat down at one of the desks in the new office building Carlisle had built on the easternmost acre of our property, I was fully confident that out of the three of us, I would do the best job. My voice is engineered to soothe and comfort! To make the victim—ahem, I mean, the listener— feel at ease. I was perfect for this task.
I took a look at the log book Carlisle had set out to document the particulars of each call. The computer screen automatically brought up the caller's ID, client number, and current location. Emmett was stretching backwards at his desk, throwing paperclips at Jasper, who retaliated by launching waves of bewilderment at him. I admit I enjoyed the absolute dumbfounded look on his face coupled with thoughts like What IS a spork?
Line one rang. "I've got it," I waved Jasper and Emmett off.
I quickly read the prompt Carlisle had typed out and repeated, inserting my name in the blanks. "OnCrotch, this is Edward with the CCUC. How can I assist you?"
"I...can't...breathe...I just read the last...*wheeze*...chapter...*pant*...of Landscapes..."
"Yes, Miss Jayne Rulis, we've got your location and a CCC vehicle is on its way. They should be there momentarily. In the meantime, please focus on my voice and try to slow your breathing. Do you have any towels handy?"
"No...Who is this?" Her breathing was still ragged.
"Um, Edward?" I'd already told her my name, but I suppose in her aggravated state, she must not have heard me.
"Jayne, please try to breathe and remain calm. I'm—"
"I'm talking...*wheeze*...to...*choke*...Ed—*COUGH*...Ed...uhh..." I heard a wet noise. "Unnnnnggg....."
"Oh, God. I think she just crotchsploded again," I spoke in Jasper's general direction.
"Well, fuck, man, is she still breathing?" He spun his hand in quick circles, as his mind told me, Get the fuck back on the phone, idiot!
"Miss Rulis? Are you still there?"
"The CCC should be arriving any moment, miss...please try to calm yourself!" I was getting panicky now. Why wasn't she relaxing?!
A beep came through the line. "This is CCC, we've arrived on the scene. Miss Rulis is in respiratory failure, and we're currently reviving her with pure oxygen. We'll take it from here."
The call ended.
Emmett was laughing his ass off. "Nice calming effect, bro." He fell off his chair. Nope, I take that back. He broke the chair. I flipped him off and tried to write down the required information on the log sheet.
Before I finished writing, all the phones began ringing. Emmett barked his hello, and Jasper's low drawl picked up. I was slightly nervous as I picked up this call.
"OnCrotch, this is Edwa—"
"Miss? Miss, uh," I flicked my eyes at my screen, "Lambcullen? Can I help—"
"Leather seats! These are...LEATHER!"
"Miss, the CCC is on the way, but—"
"I can't feel *gasp*...FUCK! I can't feel my legs!"
"WHO IS THIS?! Damn, love, your voice is like velvet! Has anyone *hoarse cough* ever told you that?"
"Dammit, I...*rasp*...can't really...breathe too...*cough* well...IS THIS EDWARD?!?"
"Yes, miss, I—"
"GAHHHH!!! *THUD*" I could hear a thundering heartbeat over the line but nothing else.
"Miss Lambcullen? Miss Lambcullen!?"
BEEP. "CCC on scene. What the hell are you all playing at down there? Miss Lambcullen is also in respiratory failure, currently being revived. Apparently she saw a billboard with some actor, Pattinson or someone, swerved into a pole and crotchsploded all over the vehicle. My God, the humanity! Her clothes are ruined. We'll take it from here."
Immediately, I picked up another call. "OnCrotch, this is Edward. How can we serve you today?"
"I...I'm looking for SidWaitsWard? *gasp*..."
Did I miss something? "Um, Miss...Squibstitcher? This is the OnCrotch Call Center. We have CCC on the way. Have you had a crotchsplosion emergency?"
"Fucking, duh, Wardo...the shit is seeping under the door. I got 20 minutes alone and I was reading Tropic of Virgo and CROTCHSPLODE!...I had a hallucination and I saw my character SidWaitsWard across the room...fuck, that was hot..."
"Right, uhh..." Fuck, I have no idea what to say to that. I thought I'd kill at this job!
Thankfully, the CCC beeped in and I was saved by the bell. I clicked the line off, and sighed. This should be going loads better. I wonder if Jasper's having any luck.
I wasn't sure about answering phones, but it was kind of our fault that these women were suffering a mass outbreak of...spontaneous combustion, of sorts? Emmett was getting an incredible kick out of this, I could feel him giggling and slapping the desk. Edward was radiating frustration and it was making me antsy. Apparently, he wasn't doing very well.
Well, first call. Here goes nothing.
"OnCrotch," That is ridiculous. OnCROTCH. Did Emmett make up the name? Oh, no. Then, it'd be I'mInYourCrotch. Or CuntSplodeHotness. Or DaCrotchWantsMyCock. FOCUS! "This is Jasper. How can I help ya?"
"Ohhhhhhh Myyyyyy Gawwwwwwwwwwd!"
Holy. Fuck. "Miss," I looked at the screen in front of me, "TwoWackyKids?"
"WHAT. THE. FUCK?!...*slurrrrp*...I can't stop drooling..."
"Um, do you have any han'kerchiefs? Or any kind of cloth handy, ma'am?"
"Ma'am? I'm not even thirty, twatwaffle! *slurp*"
"I meant no disrespect, ma'—I mean, miss." I pushed every ounce of calm through the line, hoping it worked. "Are you able to slow your breathing, ma—" Shit! "Uh, miss?"
"For fuck's sake...I have crotchsplosion all over myself. My fans aren't working and that fuckhot accent of yours isn't—" I heard a disconcerting splash. "Goddammitalltohell, I did it again. Are you coming? *snicker* I could really use your help. Holy shit, I am so horny right now, I think my uterus has gone on strike until I can get with...wait, is this JASPER?! JAXXX? What the fu—*THUD*"
I stared at the phone blankly for a few seconds. "...uh, ma'am?"
Fuck. The CCC reps beeped in soon after and confirmed she was out cold. They thought she was dead, but it was apparently just catatonic, though her heartbeat was just incredibly weak. No wonder I couldn't hear it through the line.
The next few calls didn't go so well either. Miss Threadpanda literally shrieked into the phone after I said "This is Jasper" and passed out cold. She came to while I was still on the line, but she kept calling me "e e jasper" and asking if I liked clementines. I couldn't figure it out. I tried to get the story on what she'd done to cause the initial distress, but all I heard was "fingerporn," "JaXXX," and "Squeeeeeee."
Miss CarminMoon screamed a blue streak of creative southernisms that would've made me blush if I'd had blood to rush to my cheeks. She was a woman after my own heart; too bad Alice had that already.
Miss Adoraklutz was delusional, asking where I was since I was supposed to be at her place all week because someone named Shalu had "sent me to keep her company," and that made no sense to me. That made her upset, and when I sent calm and peace through the line, she passed out, and then CCC arrived.
This was getting exhausting. Emmett, meanwhile, was howling in laughter and I thought I heard him ask someone to send him a picture on his iPhone. Sick bastard. Edward would be in tears if he could cry. I wish he'd go take a break, his self-loathing disappointment is depressing me. He thinks he's a failure at something he should be amazing at. Get a grip, brother. He snarled at me.
OK, here's another. Let's try one last time.
"OnCrotch," *WINCE* "this is Jasper. Can I help ya?"
"Um, Miss MaleficentKnits? Hello? Are you okay, darlin'?" Woops. That slipped. Alice will have my ass.
"Miss Maleficent, the CCC are on their way. Is there something I can do for you?"
"Ohhhh, sweetie, you have no idea. Just keep talking! You sound like JaXXXsssssss.....Unnnnnffff."
This is awkward. "Oookay. Are you comfortable?"
"Mmmmmm, fuck you sound good enough to eat. Can I tie you up?"
"What? Uh, no, ma'am, I...I uh, do you have towels?"
"...Are you wearing a cassock, by chance?...*SPLAT*...oh fuck me, another one...No, really. FUCK ME."
This is just getting ridiculous. "Ma'am—"
"What am I? Your momma?...Hell, that's kinda hot. I can play that. Fuuuuck, I like this. Can I spank you?"
"Thanks for using OnCrotch, the CCC will be there soon. KThxBai." I hung up. It was all I could take. I tried to push calm and all that shit down the wire, but the lust and desire firing back at me was damn near enough to get me to run over and start humping Edward's leg. I wonder if Alice is still at the house?
This was gonna be AWESOME! I settled myself in my second chair, having broke the first one. This was not a rare occurrence. Rose and I broke furniture all the time...though, there was usually fucking involved. Shit, I'm totally horny again. HA! Edward, you love it when I think dirty. Take a look at this from me and Rose in the garage this morning...A red stapler shot past my head and stuck in the wall.
"Fuck, Prudeward! You know Esme's gonna have yer ass for that." A flurry of freshly sharpened pencils broke against my arm like a swarm of arrows. OH! Like in that movie 300! Damn, I'd have made a badass King Leonidas. Hmmm...maybe Rosalie wants to play Gladiator later. Edward, have you seen the costume she wear—
"Emmett," Edward began, his voice wavering in fury. "Please, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, just. Answer. The. Phone. PLEASE. And quit thinking. Or, get me some bleach."
"How about a bleach pen?" A typewriter smashed around my head. Fuck, that one almost hurt. Why do we have a typewriter? No one uses that shit anymore? Whatever. Horny, 'gasming chicks all over the globe need some Emmett-time. An' I'ma give it to 'em. Hehehheheh...
"OnMyCrotch, this is Emmett. Talk dirty to me."
This is the best job ever. "Really. Can you send a picture of that to my iPhone?"
"Uhhh...Ohhh gawd...I just...'sploded all over myself. I...I ruined my...my favorite pants...I guess I should have—"
"Whooaaa there, Nelly...back up. What are you wearing? And by what, I mean underwear. Lacy? Silk? Forget that. Thong? Commando? I want deets."
"What? I thought this was OnCrotch? Is the CCC on the way? I'm having trouble breathing. I just read a bunch of chapters of The Dominant, and Oh. My. Gawd..."
"Wait, is that one with Edward? As a Dom? AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA...fuck that noise." Click. Edward as a dom? I bellowed laughter throughout the office. Jasper turned and looked at me, annoyed. Edward did his best to pretend I did not exist. Edward, you couldn't dom your own dick, man. Sorry. I love you, bro, but let's be real. And he resorts to throwing office equipment again. This time, a file cabinet. Full. Pansy.
Let's see what's up with Caller Number Two!
"OnMyIncrediblyStiffCock, this is THE Emmett McCarty Cullen. To what do you owe this honor?"
"Emmett? Emmett Cullen?"
See? Chicks fuckin' love the monkey man. "You got me, baby. What's the digs?"
"Holy fucking SHIT! *pant* I was actually writing a chapter of my story about YOU and, well, I got a little overheated and crotchsploded all over my chair and desk. I can't stand up now."
"That sounds fuckin' awes—AHEM, I mean, messy...er, uncomfortable?" How do you act comforting? Rose says I do this sometimes. Shouldn't I know this?
STOP. FUCKING. LAUGHING, EDWARD.
"Uh, what fic is this, Miss Grendelsmother?"
"Attractive Nuisance....guhh, could you do me a favor? Could you tell me what you're wearing right now?"
Rose would kill me for playing into this. Hmm...rough sex later. She'll probably tie me up and *DODGE SPARE OFFICE CHAIR THROWN BY EDWARD* get out the toy chest... "Well, uh, GrendelsMamma, I'm naked as a jaybird, I believe the saying goes."
"...unnnnnnfff...fuck. You're bullshitting me, right? I mean, you're probably...oh gawwd, I don't give a shit..." I heard a wet, splattering noise. Damn, she sounds really, uh...horny. Fuck, now I'm horny. DIFFUSE the situation. Rose will rip off the most fun part of my body and burn it if I go further.
"OK, G-baby, let me tell you a joke. Talk you down until the CCC shows up."
"Oh they're here, but I barricaded the door...."
"Really? Um, are you going to let them in?"
"Emmett, I told you I can't even stand up. THINK, MAN! I know you're smarter than everyone characterizes you! You obviously have not read Attractive Nuisance. Fucker."
Damn. I kinda like her. I wonder if she'd wanna join me and Rosie. "Well, I..."
"Shit...the CCC got through. Will you call me once they get me into my VIP suite? Or will you visit? I've got this costume for you to wear. It involves a buttflap and Burger King crown...I hope that's —/THUD." Click.
BEEP. "This is the CCC. We've got Grendelsmother in hand now. The crotchsplosion was severe, so she got a little delusional and, well, quite honestly a little feral. She'll be fine with some respiratory therapy and—"
CLICK. I cut the line. I didn't need the details. Unless they involved her spongebath and a link to the pictures.
Just then Jasper went charging outta the place like his pants were on fire. Ooohhh, wait. I felt the lust comin' off him like stink off a skunk. Hehehhehee...I wonder what he's off to do, Eddie? He ignored me. Bitch. Fax machine.
Back to "work." I took a couple of other calls, but the first didn't appreciate my joke about the wolves, muttering something about wanting to talk to Jailbait instead. Who the fuck is that? The next one loved my mustache ride comment, but started losing consciousness muttering something about Officer Swan and handcuffs. I hung up fast and involuntarily gagged. SR5Rfan...hmmm. Kinky, but into Bella's dad. Cool guy. Likes football. Gah, I can't think about it. BLEACH PEN MY EYES, EDWARD!!
"FUCK, BLEACH MY EYES, EMMETT! That's my father-in-law, for fuck's sake," Edward shouted, hoarsely. He was leaning on his knees, dry-heaving.
"OK," I said aloud to myself. "I'ma give this one last try. This one better be good."
I adjusted the earpiece and stabbed the on button. "OnTheMostMagnificentManCrotchInExistence, this is—"
"Uh, yeah?" I was totally confused. This voice sounded a little familiar.
"I want you. Now." Her voice was deep, sultry. And fucking dripping with want.
"Mmmmm, baby, I'm so wet for you...I need your massive cock in me...NOW."
"Holy. Fucking. Shit. You know you just gave me a woody that could fill the Grand Canyon, right? Edward is cowering in fear of this erection right now."
"I want all of it, baby. Get your ass over here..." Click.
I may or may not have crushed the desk and crashed through the windows in an effort to get outside the building and start running back to the house. I think I heard Edward grumble something about a "stupid fucking oaf" but I really didn't care what he was whining about when Rosie was probably waiting for me all naked and hot and shit.
I ran up the stairs and may have ruined the banister on one side. I also may have ignored Esme's condemnations over said destruction. I flew through the door to Rosie's and my room, but it was empty. What the fuck?
I look on the dresser and there's a note. WOOOT!
Emmett, I say we defile Prudeward & Bella's little cottage. I'm naked. Come get me. ~Rosalie
My feet couldn't carry me fast enough. Even at vampire speed. There may have been wind resistance with my massive hard-on. And yes. It is massive. I busted through the door. Literally. I had already stripped naked between the front step and the first step inside the door. Vampire speed is incredibly effectual in many ways.
I wished I had Alice's foresight or Edward's mindreading, because then I MIGHT have heard or saw something about everyone in my family getting in on the joke. Everyone (even Edward, that fucker) was standing directly in front of me, Jasper behind the video camera. I stood there, a bit stunned, in all my naked, horny glory, as every one of those bastards laughed. Thank God, at the very least my parents were not in on this.
"Emmett?" Esme's smooth tone came from behind me, a bit smug, actually. "Lose your clothes, dear?"
Fuuuuuuuuck. I grabbed my junk, as my boner was long gone now at the sound of my mother's voice. "Yup. I, uh, ran so fast, they ripped themselves to shreds and fell off when I got to the door here."
"Nice try, son," Carlisle chimed in. I spun around, junk still in hand. My father stood behind Esme with a smirk on his face. "Listen, ALL OF YOU. I don't want to know what's going on here, but let's just say that none of you boys will be manning the phones at OnCrotch. Ever. Again."
Esme giggled while Rose, Alice and Bella fell to the floor in hysterics. Edward smirked, but didn't really respond. I could tell he was actually disappointed in himself. Jasper just exuded relief.
"Was it that bad, Carlisle? I mean, I—"
"Emmett," he said, sighing, "It's not 'OnMyIncrediblyStiffCock'. You're fired."