Hey this a little oneshot I decided to do. It's a little dark but I worked hard trying to make it deep and angsty. I guess this is sort of a dedication to anyone who's ever turned into something their not. Or for anybody that did something they really regret. Reviews would be like a pure ray of light in this depressing world of darkness.
Disclaimer:I do not own Naruto. Massahi Kishimoto does.
For what hath life, that may it loved make,
And gives not rather cause it to forsake?
Fear, sickness, age, loss, labour, sorrow, strife,
Pain, hunger, cold, that makes the heart to quake;
And ever fickle fortune rageth rife,
All which, and thousands more do make a loathsome life.
- Cave of Despair by Edmund Spenser
I'm kneeling in a pool of fresh blood splattered across the ground. There are corpses lying lifeless on the cold forest floor. If there weren't any trees, people could easily spot the mess of bodies and carnage.
I never ment for this to happen. I've been trying so hard to control my inner beast. I've been training non-stop, trying to get stronger. I hadn't even had to use this power in my previous battles. I thought I was starting to get better at controlling it.
But it seems like I'm always wrong. I wasn't a genius like Shikamaru or Neji, but I couldn't be a complete moron could I? And yet I'm always messing things up! I couldn't save Gaara from the Akatuski. If it wasn't for old lady Chiyo-sama he would've been dead.
When I fought Orochimaru I lost control and even hurt Sakura. With one little mistake, or one wrong word I could ruin everything. I could loose everything. No matter how many people I help I end up messing up anyway. Hell, I couldn't even save my best friend.
Sasuke. Even though he's been gone for years he still causes problems for me. I've been trying so hard to get him back, to defeat him. I want to finally prove that I can beat him. And I'm going to prove to everyone that I can bring him back.
In a way I can blame part of this on that Uchiha bastard. The first time I lost control was when I thought Haku had killed him. Also I used this power while fighting Orochimaru in the forest of death, and when I had to save him and Sakura from Gaara.
The first time I used the Kyuubi's cloak is when I tried to stop him from going to Orochimaru. Of course I was only using one tail. Sometimes I wonder if I had used more of the Kyuubi's power maybe I could've stopped him. Had I used three tails or more I would've killed him. He says he spared my life but I'm not sure he know's what I'm capable of.
Needless to say he has been involved many times that I've used this power. Sasuke may have suffered without a family like me, but he would never understand this. The only who would is Gaara, or other jinchuriki. Gaara....I wish he were here. He'd be able to help me, he'd understand.
As much as the others want to understand they never will. They don't know the pain of being a freak. The feeling of having so much power, and yet feeling weak. The feeling of being ashamed for using the beast's power. The fear of hurting or killing the people you care about. Those are the feelings I have everyday.
Some people would love to have this unlimited power. But that's because they don't what's it's like to be the vessel for a monster. To me it's a curse, not a gift. A curse that no matter how hard I change it won't go away. Only in death can I be free from this curse.
Death almost sounds appealing right now. That's how disgusted I am with myself. The smell of blood and sight of gore caused me to vomit...twice. So many dead people...people that didn't have to die yet. And I'm the one responsible for shortening their lives.
Does someone with a cursed and worthless existence, like me, deserve to take the lives of others that are so willing to live?
This all started one day ago. Tsunade asigned us a A-rank mission to retrieve a stolen weapon from the Stone Village. Apparently it was very powerful and rare. I was asigned with Kakashi-sensei, Sai, Yamato, and Sakura to retrieve it and take it to Konoha. They sent Shikamaru, Kiba, Neji, and Ino as back-up.
But it had been a trap. There was some group after the weapon, so after we got it we were attacked. Sakura, Sai, Ino, and Kiba went ahead with the scroll. Kakashi and Yamato took on one large group of ninjas while Neji, Shikamaru and I were left with the rest. They weren't that much of a challenge and I told Shikamaru and Neji to go on ahead.
We had knocked down most of them and I could keep them at bay with my shadow clones. They reluctantly agreed and left me alone. After that things started to get ugly. More of them kept coming and the shadow clones were taking up too much chakra.
I tried to fend them off but was starting to get tossed around. That was when the real challenge came. A ninja formerly from the Mist Village challenged me. He was much stronger than the others and seemed to be one of the ring leaders of the group.
"I've heard of you, your Uzumaki Naruto. The beast from Konoha. Yeah, your that kid that holds the Kyuubi, right?" He said smirking.
"And what if I am?!" I asked harshly. The evil grin never left his face.
"Well, you pretty tired and worn out. I want to fight you at your full potential. I want to see the real power of a jinchuriki." He explained. I glared at this lunatic.
"Never! Not for the likes of you!" I yelled angrily. That was my first mistake, I started to get angry.
"What's wrong you little freak? Am I not good enough for you and demon, is that it?" He was provoking me.
"Just, shut up." I warned trying to stay calm. Freak. That word brought back painful memories.
"Or what? Your too weak to fight me. That's I want to see your jinchuriki powers. You know as well as I do that you can't win without them." He taunted.
"I'm warning you." I growled. I could feel my claws forming through my clenched hands making little trails of blood from the pressure.
"What's wrong, does the truth hurt?I'm not scared of you. Your just a monster who's better off dead, and you know it. You only bring suffering to yourself and others. Worst of all your a pathetic weakling that's scared to use your own god damn strength! I heard you couldn't even save that Uchiha kid...." He hissed.
"Just SHUT UP! Shut the FUCK up!" I screamed in rage. I think I'd be better off emotionless like Sai. Maybe then I'd have more control.
"What are you going to do about it, demon?" He asked.
There was a long suspense filled silence. The only thing I could hear was the Kyuubi in my subconscious offering me his it's power. I could even hear the beast's maniacal laughter. That's when something inside me snapped..
"I'm going to kill you!" I yelled before the red demonic chakra poured out of me with a huge burst. Everything after that was hazy. All i could feel was uncontrollable rage and blood lust.
I merely watched myself ripping apart person after person. I watched as if I was watching someone, no something else kill the ninja. And whatever that something was enjoyed it.
After I regained control of my body I fell to knees instantly. There was a faint splash since I landed in a pool of crimson liquid. My eyes were no longer blood red and were now back to their original blue. I had a few wounds but none of them were severe. I wasn't physically hurt, but I wasn't in the best emotional state.
That's when I vomited. I looked up and saw the bodies of my apponents torn to shreds. Their bodies seemed to be floating in a sea of blood. I looked down at my hands only to seem them tainted with blood. Not only that but I was covered in blood, none of it was mine.
No.....NO! My mind screamed. My body started trembling and I suddenly found it very cold. I hugged myself to try and grasp whatever warmth was left in my body. Horrible memories started to torment my mind and tears were beginning to form in my eye. I wonder if they were tainted red also.
"I'm sorry." Is what I whispered over and over. I didn't even know who I was apologizing to, but it was all I could say. I didn't know if I sat there for minutes or hours; either way it felt like an eternity. I could almost hear Kyuubi's pleased chuckling. That made me feel even more disgusted.
Eventually the tears stopped and I just sat there completely frozen. What the hell am I? What have I become?
That's when I sensed people approaching. Oh God, please let it be some assassin here to kill me. But no, it was my friends.
"Naruto are yo- Holy shit!" yelled Kiba. I could hear many gasps and yells from behind me.
"Naruto!" Sakura yelled. Hearing the sounds of footsteps coming closer made me shut my eyes tightly. I couldn't look at them, not now.
"Naruto, what happened?" Yamato asked softly. I didn't respond. I just let my body lay limp with my arms hanging at my sides.
"N-naruto you're c-covered in blood." Ino managed to stutter. I opened my eyes fully to see their faces filled with horror, fear, confusion, and concern.
"It's not mine." I whispered solemnly. No one had the nerve to say anything but I think they all got the message.
"Y-you did this, N-naruto?" Shikamaru asked with his fists tightly clenched. He always was too damn smart for his own good. I averted my gaze toward the ground with the now drying crimson liquid surrounding it.
"I lost control. He was....I just...I couldn't..." I tried to explain but couldn't. They wouldn't understand, and they never will.
Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder. I turned and saw that it was Kakashi-sensei. He stared at me knowingly and I knew I'd probably have to talk to him later.
"Let's go. We all need to rest." He ordered.
I didn't move. I just stayed there completely frozen, unwilling to leave. Kakashi seemed to sense this because he knelt down and swung my arm over his shoulder so he could support my weight.
The whole trip was quiet except for some whispers and small conversations that eventually trailed off into nothing. I knew they were thinking about me but I didn't even care. I was too deep in my thoughts.
I wouldn't blame them if they started taunting me and pelting me with stones. I thought sadly. My friends would never do that though. Would they?
How do I now they won't turn on me one day and leave me all alone again. Alone. This whole inncident is bringing back bad memories. Being ignored and hated by everyone, having no reason to live, and the unbearable feeling of being alone.
What if I lose control again and end of hurting or.....killing them? I'll never forget the feeling of having so much raw power, the blood rush, the rage. I turned into something, something wild and blood thirsty.
I had given in to the power and let it overwhelm my senses. I became a vicious animal. I became a killing machine. I became the very thing I was trying so hard not to be. All I know is that I wanted to rip that guy apart. I was driven insane byblood lust. And now the question that haunts my nightmares comes to mind. What the fuck am I?
That's when the the realization hit me like a dart on the target. I hadn't become anything, because I was like that all along. Somewhere deep inside inside has always been the urge to kill, the need to fight. You can't become something you already are. And I had always had this beast locked within me, even since the Kyuubi was sealed inside of me.
I had my innocence taken away from me the day I was born. Because no matter how young a jinchuriki is always guilty in the eyes of those who dispise it. But I had maybe an inch of purity and innocence left in me, that is now tainted with Satan's liquid.
There's always the chance I could lose control again. But right now I don't give a shit. I'm being carried to a safe place where I can brood and drown in my terrible sins. I can be healed physically so I can live another day and get stronger. At this moment I was me and not some inhuman creature. So, finally I let the exhaustion take over. My aching breaths evened out and I fell into a dark, quiet sea of nothingness.
What had I become? Absolutely nothing.
Well there you go. I was actually pretty pleased with the ending. I apologize if I made any mistakes. I could possibly do a sequel or maybe it should be left as it is. Reviews would be great as long as your nice. Thanks for reading!