Points to Note: Just wanted an excuse to ask Arty these questions. The Klondike Bar commercial was happy to provide inspiration.
Disclaimer: Don't own Artemis Fowl. Don't own about half the things Juliet says either.
Juliet picked up the pen that was lying harmlessly before her. It was a plain black pen, nothing special. The insignia of the company that created it was printed in off white on the side, slightly faded from wear. She raised it up to the light, studying it intently, before slowly spinning it around. Once that was done, she lowered the pen until the tip was level with her eyes. Her eyes narrowed. Forty-eight—no, forty-nine. She could think of forty-nine different ways to kill with the pen.
See anything wrong with the picture? Juliet sure did.
Bodyguards were not meant to be bored. Bodyguards were not supposed to ever get bored. But, without a single doubt, Juliet was bored.
It wasn't her fault though, anyone (Dom did not count) would get bored guarding Artemis. The boy was the poster child for boring; he wore suits all the time for crying out loud. A genius he may, but he was undisputedly dreary as well.
Just how long could one person sit behind a computer screen, she idly wondered spinning the dodgy pen around her fingers. Was there a record for that? If one did exist, she was pretty sure Artemis had beaten it tenfold by now.
She groaned and began tapping the pen on the table. She was so bored. Why couldn't Artemis decide to head into town for some research or something? Why did he have to choose today to turn into a social recluse? Why did Butler get to accompany the twins to their play date? Why hadn't she agreed to go, instead of watching Sir Types-A-Lot? Why did her manicure not match her pedicure?
She frowned at her long, painted fingernails, letting the pen fall listlessly onto the table. Apart from being a bold fashion statement, her neon green nails were deadly weapons. She could scratch out the eyes of a kidnapper bent on, well, kidnapping Artemis with them. At least, that's what she had told Butler when she got them done. She had just really liked the color. But it didn't look so appealing anymore. Hmm, she'd have to get them redone, she realized with a sigh.
"Juliet, I would be forever grateful if you would cease your startlingly accurate imitation of the final breath of a dying beast."
Juliet blinked and turned to stare at the back of the genius who was still typing away at his computer. An intelligent, "Huh?" fell from her lips. What in the world was he talking about?
Oh. "Why didn't you just say that instead of going on about dying animals?" she asked.
No answer. Not that she had expected one; Artemis was moodier than some of her girl friends at times. But she wasn't about to let him get away with it. It was, after all, good manners to actually answer when asked a question.
"Really, Artemis," She started, stretching out her cramped muscles. "Who taught you how to communicate with people? I think you should demand a full refund."
Ignore. She tried again.
"Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?"
That actually managed to cause his typing to falter for a few seconds. Juliet's grin grew as she leaned back in her chair. Bet he hadn't been expecting that, she thought smugly. She loved to throw Artemis off balance whenever possible. Though such instances were far and few in between, she had found that the best way to temporally befuddle the boy was with sudden topic changes when he had all his attention focused on one issue. And she was not one for wasting such great opportunities.
"Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?"
Ignore, ignore, ignore. Juliet grinned. Well, if he wanted to be like that…
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"Who decided what order to put the alphabet in?"
"Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards?"
"If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out of its nose?"
"That is anatomically impossible."
Yes! An answer! Juliet allowed herself a brief mental victory dance before returning to the task at hand. A crack had appeared. All she needed to do now was to turn that crack into a pile of defeated rubble.
"Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?" she asked the back of the genius's head.
"The same reason we have speed limits on freeways." Was the answer. The typing had yet to stop.
While that wasn't the reaction she had been hoping for, Juliet ceased her questioning for a moment to ponder the answer she had received. That actually made sense, in an odd, mental sort of way. Go figure. Trust Artemis to have an answer to a rhetorical question that had perplexed regular people for ages.
"What was the best thing before sliced bread?" she questioned once she wrapped her mind around the fact that Artemis wasn't even confused by the same things as everyone else in the world. She was almost jealous of his genius, but she liked her awesome wrestling skills better. Brains might beat brawn, but brawn was definitely cooler.
The grin reappeared on her lips. Why, was the little genius hinting at something? She continued asking her questions as though she had not caught the glaring hint to shut up.
"If you see a heat wave, would you wave back?"
"…You would be more likely to sweat tears of joy that the heat was leaving."
"Nice one," she complimented. "Now, moving on. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?"
"Air." The answer was so immediate that Juliet almost asked for his to elaborate. But the thought of continuing her game held more pull.
"Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"
"To raise the confidence of their patients."
"Why is lipstick called 'lipstick' when it doesn't glue your lips together?"
"Excellent question. Why not try some on and see?"
"I'm the one asking the questions here," she shot back, not taking offense at the comment. Artemis wasn't being nearly half as malicious as he could be at the moment. She wasn't about to push it, but she was going to keep asking. "Why is it to stop Windows, you have to click on 'Start'?"
"Gates was a genius."
Juliet rolled her eyes. Nerd rivalry.
"Arty, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?"
"Conquer the world."
Okay, she just had elaborate on that one.
"I thought you were going to do that anyway."
"The plastic-wrapped container of cavities is an added plus."
Juliet's smiled faltered for a bit. She was beginning to suspect that she was being made fun of now. No, scratch that, she was positive. But she was not about to stop just yet. She had been watching Artemis closely throughout the entire exchange and had noticed something interesting. Artemis had developed a twitch. A twitch that seemed to grow more violent the longer she spoke. How positively wonderful.
"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
"Just what I need, more teeth-rotting rubbish." Was he smirking? He had yet to turn to face her, but she was positive she could hear the smirk in his voice.
"What's the meaning of life?"
"You stole that from somewhere." Juliet said, frowning. "Can't remember where, but I know you did."
"Of course I did. I'm Artemis Fowl." He was totally smirking.
"Yup." She said sweetly. The twitch grew more pronounced. This was fun.
"Why do they—"
"One moment," Artemis interrupted, spinning around to face the blond. Juliet smiled innocently at him. "I believe it is my turn and past to ask a question."
Juliet eyed him warily, curious despite the fact that her bodyguard senses where tingling.
"Juliet," he started, folding his arms. "Are you insane?"
She opened her mouth to replied, rightfully indignant, that no, she was not, but the genius cut her off.
"And that, dear Juliet," He added with a smirk. "Was a rhetorical question."
Love Artemis's (twisted and sarcastic) sense of humor in the books. An attempt to portray that humor. Epic fail or small fail? Please leave your thoughts in forms of reviews on the way out ^^