Disclaimer: I do not take credit for Twilight or the amazing characters.

You all get it by now.

Sorry it took so long to get up, but it's longer than normal and the laptop broke so I have to work off the old computer which btw is really, really slow. Hope you like it!

Holy Crap!

Emmett POV

My adventures as Hannah Montana were officially over and I had decided that I do not need a job. Carlisle can give me money. All the buzz and laughter had died down after a few weeks but I still had to get my revenge on Alice for showing that video to all my vampire friends and for the spider incident. How could she? She knows I'm terrified of spiders!

I was in the process of planning a huge attack but because the evil little pixie could see the future I had too keep changing plans. I might as well forget it. I'm never going to get one over on her anyways.

No. I will not give up so easily.

I entered the Washington Street Cats charity shop. Phase one of my plan was about to begin.

"Hello!" I called when I entered the joint and saw there was nobody around.

I was totally stunned when an old lady wearing a habit came out of the back room. I may be stupid but I do know that these people were nuns. I had no idea that the nuns ran the Street Cats charity.

"Be quiet child or you will wake all the cats!" She whispered furiously to me. Wow. Someone had their habit in a twist.

"Sorry Sista," I grinned, approaching the counter. "I want to adopt a cat." You should've seen her face when I told her that. She probably thought I had wandered in here by accident looking for the games arcade or football pitch or something. I am way smarter than people give me credit for.

"Okay, well they're some forms you'll have to sign and then you can pick one. And do not call me 'Sista'" She told me after she had recovered from the shock.

"Okey dokey!" I said brightly. I signed the forms were she showed me to in my messy scrawl. You'd think after living so many years and repeating school numerous times, my hand writing would've gotten neater. It had. You could actually read it now.

"I want the biggest and scariest cat there is!" I yelled excitedly. Behind a door I could immediately hear the meows and hisses of the many cats. The nun gave me a disapproving look. She was probably worried about what would happen to the cat once I got my hands on it.

"If you don't mind my asking, boy," Ugh. I hate it when people call me 'boy' or 'kid' when I'm probably older than their great-grandparents. "Why is it that a fit, handsome, young man like you wants to adopt a cat when you would much rather be outside playing football or something?"

There we go with the stereotypical comments again. I thought nuns weren't supposed to judge. There is no football in the world that wouldn't fly to Timbuktu if I so much as tapped it. I didn't think before I answered her.

"Revenge!" I said in my evil, cackle witch voice and rubbed my hands together. Aw crap! She's not gonna give me the damn animal now, is she?

She looked at me angrily, but then her expression softened into a frown. "God died for our sins, and yet people continue to be mean and hurtful to each other." She said sadly. That made me feel bad. I had never really listened to all of that Bible stuff, so I didn't know what she was talking about but it sounded like a sacrifice or something.

"Animals are God's creatures too, not just humans." She was back to being the angry Sista again. See, there was her mistake. I am not human. Nor animal. That is just my diet. Of course I wouldn't say that out loud.

She started leading me towards the back room where the animals were kept. I guess they really needed to be rid of some of the cats because no sane person would give me a cat.

"I strutted up to a fat ginger tabby thinking it looked like Edward. "Hello kitty, kitty!" I cooed, stretching a finger out to pet her. The fatty cat flew at the cage door faster than I could and dug its claws at my face. It would have ripped a human's face off, but it didn't even penetrate my skin.

"JESUS CHRIST!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, mostly out of surprise.

The Sassy Sista gave me another look that clearly said 'grrr'.

"Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain!" She said angrily. What the fuck was this crazy nun chick on about? I have to admit it sounds kinda interesting.

"Tell me about your religion, sister?" I asked her.

We got talking for a while. All the God and Jesus stuff was really interesting. I decided I had wasted enough of my time. It was time for me to become a Catholic and start preaching God's word.

I had been gone about a week, taking numerous vows and stuff. I'm a nun now!

I blessed myself praying for my life once I got in hearing distance of the house which was actually a couple of miles away. Rosalie was going to kill me for being away so long with no phone calls or anything.

No one came out to meet me even though they probably all knew I was home. They'd probably try to block the door or something. I'm so tragically unloved by anyone. Apart from the lord.

When I got nearer to the house, I saw Bella and Edward kissing in the porch. Ugh! They never stopped! And they called Rosalie and I animals.

PDA's in thee presence of the Lord. I think not! I'll make this right.

I marched up to the couple and pushed them apart. They both gave me the same angry look. "Leave room for the Holy Spirit!" I said, and tried to skip off but tripped over the long robe.

I heard them both laughing hysterically as they took in my nun's outfit. "Rose is gonna be so mad." Bella said, looking worried for a second but then she started laughing again.

The front door opened and someone walked out. I could practically feel the ground shake as those footsteps came towards me. It was Rosalie.

"WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST WEEK?!" I whimpered on the ground like a puppy and covered my ears. "NO NOTE, NO PHONE CALLS, NO NOTHING!" She is totally furious. I am terrified.

She shouted for another while and I lay on the ground at her feet. At some point when Rosie was shouting at me, the rest of our 'family' had come out to see what I had done. Carlisle eventually stopped Rosalie from murdering me and suggested we all go inside and discuss this 'rationally'. Yeah right.

We all had to make peace. That is what the Lord taught us.

Carlisle sat down in the arm chair and I sat in the sofa furthest from where Rosalie stood fuming. He looked exhausted, even though technically vampires couldn't get tired.

"Emmett, do you realise what you have done?" He asked me. I guess Edward had already filled him in on where I'd been and what I'd been doing. Stupid mind-reading vampire.

A growl from the corner of the room told me Edward was 'listening'. Oops. Sorry Eddie!

"Don't call me Eddie!" He growled under his breath but everyone heard it anyway. I ignored him and answered Carlisle instead.

"I am fulfilling my life's purpose and spreading the Word of God by becoming a nun. You guys would do well to follow my example." I said truthfully. Everyone was snickering except Rosalie and Carlisle.

"I thought only women could be nuns?" Esme spoke up.

"I thought so too but anyone who wants to be a follower of God can take the oath." I told them all what the Sister had told me.

"You took oaths?" Carlisle asked me. I nodded and he swore under his breath. That was unusual. Carlisle didn't approve of using 'dirty' language. His words, not mine.

"Emmett, do you realise that you now have to live at the Abbey?" He asked me slowly as if I was crazy.

I didn't know that but I didn't mind so I nodded my head.

"And you can't spend lots of money?"

I nodded again. The giving up money thing was going to be hard but then I thought of all the poor, starving people in the world.

"You can't drive your jeep," He continued.

NOOOO!!! My jeep! My pride and joy. Did I really want to give it up for the sake of God?

I internally shook myself and told myself I would be rewarded in heaven. If I ever died.

"I'll live without my jeep." I told the whole room.

"Wow," Jasper whispered, "I think he's actually serious about this whole nun business!" He looked shocked. Bella had a funny look on her face which was a cross between shock and humour.

It seemed like Carlisle was going to give up, but then it looked like a light bulb went off in his head.

"Emmett, if you stay a nun, you realise you can't have Rosalie." He knew he'd be successful this time and had a triumphant expression on his face.

My eyes went wide and I sat up straight. N..n..no Rosalie. What would I do? I love her even more than my jeep! No sex! No sex with Rosalie.

"HOLY CRAP!" I yelled as I rushed out the door to undo the carnage my stupid self had created.

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