Title: Attack of the Bodystrokers
Criminal Minds
Science Fiction/Parody
It is a truth universally acknowledged that all aliens who have come to Earth must be in want of a human lover. Hotch finds his in the form of Emily Prentiss.
Author's Note:
This started off as a joke left in a review. Now it's this. Betaed by Windy City Dreamer.

Attack of the Bodystrokers

It is a truth universally acknowledged that all aliens who have come to Earth must be in want of a human lover.

For Aaron Hotchner, that was a truth that was burden. He had come to Earth looking for an escape from his war-mongering species, not for seducing human women. Of course, his name wasn't really Aaron Hotchner – it was Kriftdus, of the Zagoolabob clan on the planet Clozbadi. It had taken all his expertise to not only change his appearance, but to make the members of the Federal Bureau of Investigation believe that he had been there all along.

For all his insistence that he wasn't there for love, it was difficult to deny that some of the females of the planet were very fine specimens. They had bumps in strange places, of course, and they took exception to being called specimens, but that didn't stop Kriftdus – Hotch – from having strange reactions in his lower gridogol. A quick mind scan told him that this was normal in human males.

'Hotch?' He heard Emily's tentative voice from the door of his office. He looked up, unable to prevent the low growl from escaping his throat. The way she stood there, so unassuming, made him want to take her right there. And after all, why shouldn't he? He'd looked inside her mind, seen the way she felt about him.

The thought that were running through his mind were completely against FBI guidelines, and that only served to strengthen his urges.

'Shut the door,' he whispered, the want in his voice unmistakable. He saw the way her body tightened at the sound of his words. On his home planet, Hotch was considered quite a catch for the female Clozbadian. He had an impressive gridogol that adjusted to the needs of his companion, causing them to scream in ecstasy. He wasn't quite sure how well that ability would work on a human female – after all, the biology was completely different. He was eager to find out, though.

It had to be consensual, though. Hotch was a lot of things, but he wasn't about to ravage another person without their express permission.

In a split second, Emily Prentiss knew everything there was to know about Aaron Hotchner, aka Kriftdus of the Zagoolabob clan on the planet Clozbadi. It was as much a proposition as it was a gesture of trust, of intimacy. I show you mine, and you show me yours.

Emily let out a slight sigh – it could almost have been considered a moan. She was turned on by his admissions. There was no doubt about it. With human eyes, Hotch watched the way her body reacted – the way her nipples stood to attention, the way her mouth started to water. It wasn't such a bad figure, the human form. On Clozbadi, breasts were an unnecessary feature. Mothers fed their young through psychic means. Hotch liked the way they moved. They way they seemed to spill out of her blouse, and yet stay contained at the same time. More than anything, he wanted to rip her out of that blouse, and touch them.

He stepped forward.

Within seconds, her lips were pressed against his, those breasts firm against his chest. If that wasn't consent, then Hotch didn't know what was.

'What if they hear us?' she asked, as her lips pulled away. She wanted to go all the way. He could feel the want without even having to touch her.

'Don't worry. Everyone on this level has just had the sudden urge to go to a strip club.'

In one swift movement, he tore her blouse open, buttons pinging against every surface. He was almost disappointed at the presence of another layer, another barrier against those beautiful, soft pieces of flesh. But then, even with the bra in place, she moaned as his human fingers brushed across her nipples.

Lips sucking against her neck, he removed that barrier, and it was more beautiful than he could possibly have imagined. X-Ray vision just didn't seem to cut it these days. Her areolas were a dark pink – a start contrast against the pale wonder of her skin. She seemed to enjoy it when he touched them. He experimented. It would be much easier to simply read her mind, and find out what she really wanted, find out what really made her climax, but then he would lose the fun of discovery. A slight pinch? No. A lick? No. Teeth?

That made her scream.

He was startled at first. In his experience, humans screamed when they were scared, or they were particularly excited about something. But then he realized that yes, she was excited. It was just a special kind of excitement. And he was very eager to give her more of it.

His hands moved to circle her waist, fingers cupping the smooth curves of her posterior. So many curves. He wondered how men were supposed to keep track of them all. Seducing Clozbadian women was so much less complicated. But much less fun. He shifted his grip slightly, exploring the unchartered territories of his conquest. He had a vague idea of how human sex was supposed to occur, but he had not been privy to the smaller details.

'Are you supposed to be wet down there?' he asked, and again, her body tightened at the sound of his voice. It wasn't a human voice at all. On Clozbadi, it was a particularly attractive voice. He suspected that the effect was even greater here.

'Yes,' she breathed, evidently impatient, for she moved her own hands from the back of his head to help speed up the process of clothing removal. He stopped them at her belt.

'Please. I want – need – to do this myself.'

Her pants fell away at his touch, leaving her standing there, in his office, clad only in the smallest piece of fabric. Just one last step before he could truly claim his prize. But not yet. He wanted to appreciate all of her. Love all of her.

He lifted her onto his desk with little effort, all the while, his lips still exploring those glorious curves. He started near the top, and worked his way down. The shoulders, the breasts, the hips. All fell victim to his soft touch. Her hands gripped tightly in his hair.

If she was this aroused now, he wondered what it would be like when he started to change his body. When he showed her the merits of his true form.

His hands slipped under the elastic of her panties, tongue running along flesh, but never quite moving low enough for either of their satisfactions. And then, to his surprise, his tongue began to lengthen. A side effect of his own numbing arousal, no doubt. Under such strain, he could not maintain this form.

This, though, he could use to his advantage. The tongue slipped down under the fabric, crossing the patch of wet curls to reach her clit. Her grip tightened on his hair, and though he could not see it, he knew her eyes had rolled back in her head.

She moaned as he slipped away, and then shivered slightly as the long tongue pulled down her last remaining piece of clothing. She was completely naked now, and he still fully clothed, and neither of them seemed to mind a bit. She seemed far too preoccupied with his expert touch to care. Later, perhaps, when her needs were fully satiated, she would return the favor.

With little more than a thought, his own clothes disappeared, and he stood wrapped around her in his Clozbadian form. It wasn't so far from human, really. There were a few slight differences – a few extra appendages here and there, but ultimately, there was a commonly shared ancestor between the two species.

She jumped slightly, as he moved one of those extra appendages.

'Hotch…what was that?'

'That was my sprrjigus.'

Apparently she considered that an acceptable answer, for she spoke no more of it. He paused momentarily, considering how exactly he should proceed. There were so many things he wanted to try, and yet he couldn't be sure that he would have another chance at this. He could go all day and into the night, but he wasn't so sure that her stamina was at the considerable level needed to complete such a feat. Stamina was important in an FBI agent, true, but the ideas he had were rather…strenuous.

Holding her tightly in his arms, he slowly pushed inside of her. It did wonders for his own arousal to see her reaction. He was filling her, but not quite to capacity. He slid out, only to push back in with greater fortitude.

'Oh, God, Hotch....OH GOD, WHAT THE FUCK?'

'Too big?'

There was no answer. Her eyes were closed, and she was whimpering softly, in what he assumed was ecstasy.

'…Are you going to finish?' she whispered softly, holding onto him for dear life.

Yeah. Kriftdus smiled. Human women were way better.