Disclaimer: Kirk and Spock belong to Gene Roddenberry and Paramount. Sylar belongs to NBC and Tim Kring. The Janitor belongs to the guys who own Scrubs.

A/N: So this is what my friends and I did last night. We had an RP that included Captain Kirk, Spock, Sylar, and the Janitor from Scrubs. (Don't ask.) I'm posting it mainly for archiving purposes. If you are bored enough to read it, be my guest although it probably will be somewhat difficult to follow. And yeah, it's the slashy versions of Spock and Kirk. I played Kirk, so it was bound to happen.

Warning: Crack dead ahead.

Lost in Space

Kirk: So, did I ever tell you guys about this one time with a grapefruit?

Sylar.: Such unspecial...regular people

The Janitor: I am Dr. Juan Itor

Spock: I seem to have an unexpected abnormal clone.

The Janitor: I am special.

Kirk: yeah, Spock, that creepy special dude looks just like you.

Spock: Fascinating -eyes Sylar-

Sylar.: Why do you look like me? Did they clone me at the Company?

Kirk: except he doesn't have your ears

Sylar.: Why are your ears like that?

Kirk: jealous?

Spock: Janitor- do you know of this clandestine clone project?

The Janitor: I could swear I was drunk, there are two of that guy.

Sylar.: Not in the least

The Janitor: pro...ject?

Kirk: you aren't drunk, there are two

because two Spocks are better than one!

err what?

Sylar.: So odd -circles Spock-

Kirk: you know, I wonder if you guys fought each other, who would win?

Spock: Please excuse Kirk. His outbursts become a regularity that one must become accustomed to.

Kirk: pretty much.

Sylar.: I see

Spock: But I have not received an answer from the Janitor.

Kirk: hey Janitor, you could come work for me on the Enterprise.

Spock: I order you to tell me what you know.

Kirk: not this again! -secretly excited-

Spock: Janitor? As Captain of the USS Enterprise-

Sylar.: You know that I am a shapeshifter. I can look exactly like you...pointy eared man. What's your name?

Kirk: Dammit, Spock was so going to CHOKE HIM!

Spock: I mean, uh- first lieutenant. Right.

Kirk: -sits back to watch-

Spock: Mr. Jim Bob Spock. (Woo, pinto interview reference!)

Kirk: noooo, MY name is Jim.

Spock: -grabs and chokes Janitor-

Kirk: his first name is...

Spock: Where did you teleport to, Janitor?

The Janitor: ....

Sylar.: I'm sorry. Space time continuum and that sort of thing. Fascinating really.

The Janitor: I'm so drunk i can barely stand.

Spock: -nerve-pinches sylar and janitor-

Kirk: S'chn T'gai is Spock's first name! Sorry, I had to look it up.

yes! I am still standing.

The Janitor: -CHOKE-

Kirk: -DED-

Spock: -nerve-pinches kirk for the hell of it-

Kirk: I'm back alive! -jumps up-

Spock: What is going on here?

Sylar.: Your nerve pinch has no effect on me...thing. I just moved the spot so you can't find it

I have...no idea.

Kirk: All I know is, Spock touched me and I came back to life.

Spock: Kirk- I think the ship is being invaded by some intergalactic cloning experiment meant to bring down Starfleet, along with their utility and facility workers!

Kirk: I can't make decisions by myself! I've gotta call Scotty...

Spock: Aka- clone man and janitor friend over here.

Sylar.: Clone? Hardly; I'm simply...special

Spock: You and your janitor friend too.

Sylar.: -cocks head to the side- Very special -sinister smirk-

Kirk: -whips out… communicator- Hey Scotty, beam up Special Guy!

Spock: What is implied by your use of the adjective special?

The Janitor: -barks-

Sylar.: I know how things work.

What makes them...tick

Kirk: excuuuuuuuse me?

Spock: Do you now?

Kirk: You don't know what makes me tick.

Sylar.: I also fix watches :D

Spock: What makes the Janitor bark?

Sylar.: I can look inside and see, whatever your name is Blondie

Spock: No one knows what makes you, as you so colloquially put it, "tick," Kirk.

Sylar.: -raises hand-

Kirk: your older self did, Spock.

Sylar.: -telekinetically pushes Kirk against the wall-

Kirk: hey, who ya callin' Blondie?

Spock: Noooooooooo -slow mow dive to stop Sylar-

Kirk: Ouch!

Spooock, save me.

Sylar.: -pushes spock too-

The Janitor: O.o

Spock: Sir, you are participating in an unprovoked attacked-

Kirk: Hey Janitor, can I have some of your beer?

Sylar.: Shut it

The Janitor: beer?

Kirk: yeah, you smell like you have some

Spock: You and Janitor will be imprisoned for life for these actions against a Starfleet officer-

Kirk: that's me!

The Janitor: ....O


Sylar.: Fascinating

Kirk: Spock, did he just steal your line?

Spock: -still pushed up against wall-

Sylar.: you two do seem somewhat familiar though

I've never threatened you before have I?

Kirk: hey Sylar, keep doing your thing, man. This is fun to watch.

Spock: The clone is more intelligently crafted than I thought.

Kirk: -swipes Janitor's beer-

Spock: Wait- that seems- oddly- familiar-

The Janitor: -flail-

Spock: -looks at Sylar curiously-

Sylar.: Based on your clothing, you are not from here. Where exactly are you from; all of you that is…

Kirk: I am James T. Kirk, captain of the starship U.S.S. Enterprise!

Sylar.: -lets them fall to the floor-

Spock: -rebounds up-

The Janitor: I was once captain of a ship.

Kirk: you're kidding! what was she named?

Sylar.: Kirk as in...that Kirk

Kirk: oh, yes?

Spock: As in what Kirk?

The Janitor: she was called...

...The Mop.

Sylar.: of Spock

Kirk: there's no need to fight over me, boys

The Mop? Was she a galaxy class ship?

The Janitor: galaxy what?

Kirk: I guess not.

The Janitor: We swept across the seas

Cleaning our way across Europe.

Sylar.: Mr. Spock? Are you still here?

Spock: The seas of Ion?

Kirk: You mean, as in... water?

The Janitor: Water!

Sylar.: I once dreamed I was on a ship. A pirate one :D

Kirk: I win, Spock.

The Janitor: The blasted substance what soaked my beloved Mophead.

Spock: Yes, Mr. Sylar, though I am curiously uneducated as to your ability to reveal "ticks."

Sylar.: It's a gift I was blessed with,

Spock: I knew a girl from a pirate ship...

Sylar.: i can just see something and sort of...know how it works almost instantly

Kirk: What was her name? Maybe I did, err I mean maybe I know her.

Sylar.: But I hate it when things are broken

Spock: Her name was Uhur- I mean, Anamaria. You don't know her.

Kirk: you said Uhura!

Spock: Demonstrate your ability then, Sylar

The Janitor: Do you like my muffin puppet?

Sylar.: I had a girl once. She died though :(

Kirk: Um yes. Very nice muffin *pets*

Sylar, did her name rhyme with hell?

The Janitor: *squeaks* What are you doing, betch!?

MUFFIN PUPPET! in action.

Kirk: sorry!! I didn't know you two were exclusive, man.

Sylar.: What's that supposed to mean -getting angry-

The Janitor: don't anger the beast....

Spock: What happened to this girl, Sylar? –wary-

Sylar.: I-we were on a beach and...I just couldn't control myself -sad/crying-

Kirk: good one, dude!! -high five-

Sylar.: The hunger

Kirk: It happens, man. It's normal.

The Janitor: did you put her in a cage and throw her out to sea?

Spock: I don't think you are understanding what he is saying, Jim-

Sylar.: Not for you. You don't even begin to understand what I'm saying

Spock: a cage?!

Kirk: Spock, he had sex with her. Which is more than you could understand being all Vulcanish...

Sylar.: You just don't know what I have to live with everyday

Spock: No... -surveying Sylar intently- ... he killed her.

Kirk: At least YOU aren't responsible for 800 crewmembers, Sylar.

Wait… he what!?

The Janitor: You're China.

Sylar.: -runs hands through his hair-

Kirk: please don't tell me you choked her to death... -eyes Spock nervously-

Spock: He killed her in China?

Sylar.: No, worse. Much worse

Kirk: I like Chinese women.

Sylar.: You like all women

And some men…

Spock: Specify, Mr. Sylar.

Sylar.: -eyes Spock-

Kirk: Sylar, let's keep that last part on the down low.

Sylar.: I...I cut open her head all right,


Kirk: Yeah, actually. -grins- As long as you didn't choke her, we're good.

Sylar.: I still can't really let it go

I really did... love her

Spock: That... was extremely illogical of you.

-fighting to control emotions-

The Janitor: -hits drum-

Kirk: I'm sorry for you and your unrequited love, Sylar. It really sucks. I know.

Spock: -launches self at sylar-

Kirk: Hey Janitor, this is gonna be good!

Sylar.: -pushes him back with ice powers-

The Janitor: O.o


Spock: -struggles-

Kirk: this is so HOT!

Sylar.: -telekinesis to the wall-

Spock: -breaks through, trying to reach a nerve point-

Sylar.: -punches-

Spock: -crazy intense mind power fight-

Kirk: watch out, Spock!

Spock: -chokes-

Sylar.: -kick between legs-


Kirk: no! Anywhere but there! I need him fully functional.

Spock: -crazy Spock mode-

Kirk: -drools-

Spock: -claws at Sylar-

Sylar.: ow…

Kirk: sorry, Janitor. You might want to wipe my drool off your nose.

Sylar.: that hurt

-not really injured-

Spock: -turns to look at Sylar in disgust-

Kirk: Spock, he's faking!!

Sylar.: I'm immortal. Ha!

Spock: Well- I'm half Vulcan. Ha!

Kirk: Janitor, should I try to go help Spock?

The Janitor: Hmm.

Maybe you mop

maybe you mopn't.

Kirk: is that a no?

Sylar.: This is between me and the lookalike

The Janitor: let me mop about it

Kirk: Spock, you okay without my help?

because I could totally kick his ass for you...

Spock: -resisting telekinesis powers- I am performing satisfactorily without your assistance.

Kirk: Er, for your safety –laughs nervously- Ok, Spock.

I'll just hang out here with only the Janitor and his mop for company while you fight your human lookalike.

Spock: Fine, you take a go.

-replaces Kirk next to Janitor-

Kirk: really?

Sylar.: Mr. Spock, did you know that both of us rely on logic?

Kirk: -punches Sylar in the face-

ha, you weren't expecting that!

Sylar.: Oh yeah, like that really hurt…

Spock: Well then- it seems logical to pit you against an illogical candidate, one that, logically, makes no sense in your mind.

Kirk: -kicks Sylar in the balls-

The Janitor: mop fight?

Spock: Still mopping, Janitor?

The Janitor: Oh yes.

Caution. Wet floor.

Sylar.: Forget I'm a shapeshifter?

Kirk: Spock, you're sexy when you talk logic.

Sylar.: I can do what i want with my body

The Janitor: .... -eyes kirk suspiciously- wet kirk too, i see

Kirk: hey, I'm down with that.

just say when and where, and I'm there.

Spock: Sylar- what do you mean?

Sylar.: ...nothing

-punches kirk-

Kirk: owwwwww!

-staggers back, reeling-

Sylar.: -rapid punches-

Kirk: shit!


Spock: Janitor- we must help!

Kirk: this guy is like psycho or something

Spock: -runs headlong into Sylar-

Kirk: Spock, a little assistance?

that'll work

Sylar.: -falls down-

Kirk: Janitor, it's like my best fantasy come true!

Sylar.: Do you want to study me Mr. Spock?

The Janitor: Er...

Kirk: Say yes, SAY YES!

The Janitor: -mops on, innocently-

Sylar.: i'm like one biiiig science experiment

if you catch my drift ;)

The Janitor: -whistles-

Kirk: -faints-

The Janitor: *hums*

Spock: I- do- uh... not- fully... understand your meaning.


Sylar.: I think you do

The Janitor: -brow raise-

Sylar.: Kirk does

Spock: Woah, did Kirk faint??

-trying to change subject-

Sylar.: Hey, I think I know why we look alike.

Kirk: nope, I'm good! -pops back up-

Spock: Why is that?

Sylar.: Your mother is human, right?

Spock: Affirmative.

Sylar.: Maybe I'm your ancestor

Kirk: -whispers- Janitor, Spock's mom was human which makes Earth the only home he has left.

Spock: So- we are related, by blood?

Kirk: Janitor, you got any more beer?

Sylar.: Is there some kind of test you can do?

Blood sampling or something

Kirk: I think you guys should wrestle.

Spock: Janitor works in a hospital

He can do the test, right janitor?

The Janitor: Dr. Jan Itor at your service.

Sylar.: And why can't you; Mr. science officer?

Kirk: ooh, he's got you there, Spock.

Although, technically that's McCoy's duty.

Spock: I would not be an objective scientist in matters relating to my own- relations.

Sylar.: dammit, he's a doctor

Kirk: you sound just like him!

Sylar.: So, test time?

Kirk: Ooh, pick me! PICK ME!

Sylar: You're not even… oh why do I bother. –shakes head-

Spock: Dr. Jan Itor, do your worst.

The Janitor: um, I can hold down your legs but that's about it.

Kirk: don't make me faint again...

Spock: Fine then. Kirk, do the damn test.

Kirk: me? -sputters- I don't want to hurt you, Spock.

The Janitor: Wait, what test is this?

Spock: To see if myself and the reappearing sylar are related.

Kirk: I have to prick him with a needle and draw blood.

The Janitor: Ah, I can do that

Kirk: But I don't think I could.

The Janitor: both of you, sit down

Kirk: can I stand?

The Janitor: spock and sylar, sit and sit

kirk can do whatever he wants

now sit!

Sylar.: -sits-

Kirk: hmm, maybe I should go after that grapefruit -leaves-

Spock: -sits- Kirk!

The Janitor: good

Spock: I uh…

The Janitor: now

Spock: …need you uh, here.

Kirk: what? -comes back immediately-

The Janitor: when I say a word, I want both of you to say the first thing that comes to your mind,

Kirk: Spock, did you say something?

The Janitor: and I will evaluate

Spock: -whispers- Say here. -louder- All right janitor.

Sylar.: ok..

Spock: stay.

The Janitor: your first word

Kirk: Sure, I'll stay with you, Spock. -giddy-

The Janitor: is 'water tank'.

Sylar.: swim

Spock: Scotty.

Kirk: Jeffries tubes

The Janitor: Kirk, you're not even being tested. Okay...

your next word is 'blood'

Kirk: Spock! we had like practically the same thought!

Sylar.: brain

Spock: green.

The Janitor: ...oh kay

and your last word is

Kirk: Spock's blood is green

The Janitor: - floccinoccihilipilification-

Spock: Fear of

Kirk: sex?

Sylar.: word.

The Janitor: Okay, very good.

Give me a moment to evaluate.

Kirk: Sylar, why is it always brains with you?

Spock: He has a brain fetish.

Sylar.: That's where powers lie

Kirk: kinky!

So do I have a power?

Sylar.: ...no

Otherwise you'd be dead already

Spock: will I if the Janitor finds that we are related?

Kirk: Yes I do. I'm awesome at everything I do! Doesn't that count for something?

The Janitor: swim/scotty, brain/green, word/fear of


you are both two thirds related.

Kirk: Wow, Spock! Congratulations! You are officially descended from a psychopath.

Spock: how is that fundamentally or mathematically sound?

The Janitor: who's the doctor here, spackle?

Sylar.: -is sad about being called psychopath- This is why it's hard for me to make friends.

Kirk: McCoy is the doctor, but he's on the ship right now

Spock: Yeah, I guess slitting brains is kind of a turn off.

Kirk: -oblivious- You know, Sylar, I think I could be your friend. Since you don't want my brain.

Sylar.: I don't know.

I don't think Spock likes me.

And he's your...


Kirk: Spock doesn't need my permission for you to be my friend.

-confused- He's my first officer

and I'm his captain. Which means I have final authority over any decisions.

The Janitor: the janitor will be back in a jiffy.

Sylar.: I do have a question though

Spock: Who you calling spackle?

Kirk: ok ttyl Jannie


Sylar.: Where exactly are we?

Kirk: you don't know?

Last time I checked we were lost in space

Sylar.: no

Spock: Apparently.


Kirk: Spock, there's no need for that attitude towards your ancestor.

Can't you see he's lonely?

Sylar.: -looks at shoes in bashful way-

Spock: Wait- I have a question for you then.

Does this mean I have a power?

Kirk: Are you asking me or him?

Sylar.: I think the alien part trumps that part

Which is omg so awesome.

Kirk: Being Vulcan gives him super strength, super hearing, and a super fun mating cycle!

Spock: Woah. Mood swing?

WOAH no need to go down that road…

Sylar.: At least I have moods

Kirk: I think the Janitor gave me drugs.

The Janitor: i did not

Kirk: yippee!

The Janitor: i gave you beer.

Kirk: you drugged the beer.

because I don't normally say super. Ever.

The Janitor: ....what's your point?

Kirk: I'm not acting normally, you dipshit! What'd you do to me?!

Spock: Theres drugs in the beer?

Ohhh Sylar... how bout you try some?

Kirk: good idea, get two us all doped up. Most logical, first officer.

Sylar.: no i didn't!

Spock: Try some Mr. Immortal Sylar

Sylar.: it's already affecting me and i didn't even drink any yet

Kirk: yeah, it can't hurt ya. –smirks-

Sylar.: Only if you try it as well Mr. Spock

Kirk: O.o

Spock: Drinking game?

Kirk: Spock, I've never asked you for anything

Spock: Yes?

Kirk: until now.

Kirk: please, for the love of God, play our game!

Sylar.: Just a small taste test each should be fine

Spock: Agreed.

-takes beer-

Kirk: Oh, a beer taste test. Right.

The Janitor: who said you could take my beer?

Sylar.: -takes other beer-

Kirk: Of course one sip is like a whole pint for Vulcans... yayayay!

Spock: Do you require a nerve-pinch, Janitor?

Kirk: no, but I do! Wheeeeeee!

Sylar.: -punches Kirk making him go unconscious-

Spock: Kirk, enough. Let's get this over with.

Kirk: -thud-

Spock: -deadly quiet voice- That was illogical.

Sylar.: -shrugs- He was annoying me.

Spock: -mad attacks at Sylar-

Sylar.: just drink

-gulps beer-

Spock: I'm not drinking anything until Kirk is revived!

Janitor! Help him!

Sylar he has a contusion on his head-

something you are familiar with, I have no doubt-

Do you know how to heal it?

Sylar.: ...you mean Kirk, right?

Spock: Kirk has head contusion

You split open heads

Can you heal as well as hurt?

Sylar.: I haven't managed to find that power yet


Kirk: -dreaming of Spock-

Spock: -hiss- Liar.


Sylar.: Oh yeah.

The Janitor: save the world.

Kirk: -I wish they would save me-

Spock: Janitor! Sylar!

Sylar.: -puts needle of blood into Kirk's arm-

Spock: Do something!

Kirk: -gasping- Sp-spooock?

Spock: Jim!

Kirk: -reaches for Spock's hand-

Spock: -takes hand, in a dignified, manly sort of way-

Kirk: where am I again?

Spock: Good thing you didn't die, or I'd have to take your place as Captain.

Kirk: Am I a captain? cool!

Sylar.: You are currently lost in space

Spock: What did you give him?

Sylar.: You don't remember?

Kirk: Strange, I don't remember being a captain.

Spock: Janitor, have you seen the reactions in patients before?

Kirk: All I know, is that your name, you with the sexy ears, is Spock.

Spock: -blush- well I- Sylar, this is your fault!

Sylar.: You do know your name right?

Spock: -green blush-

Kirk: I don't remember my name, actually. But I think Spock knows.

Spock: James

Sylar.: Norrington

Kirk: Norrington?

Spock: -strangled voice- James Tiberius Kirk,

Kirk: ooh, say that again! I LOVE MY NAME!

Spock: James Tiberius Kirk?

Kirk: -faints-

Sylar.: Wimp.

Spock: -shakes Kirk-

We have to finish our drinking contest.

Kirk: uhhhhhhhhh -groans-

Sylar.: what do you think about all of this, janitor?

Kirk: -blinks- Janitor, is Spock my boyfriend?

The Janitor: ...

whatever suits your fancy..

Kirk: Yeah, but I have amnesia. I need to know if I'm allowed to make out with him or if that would be a bad idea.

Sylar.: ...

Spock: -splutters-

Kirk: is that an affirmative? -hopeful-

Spock: I am not an objective member to decide upon this matter- Sylar you decide

Kirk: Spock, you don't remember?

Sylar.: whatever you find to be most...logical.

Spock: It was - undecided.

Kirk: no, don't do what's logical. Do what feels right.

Spock: A fork in the road.

I do not feel.

Kirk: bullshit.

We've melded before... sort of.

Spock: I should not feel.

Kirk: Sylar, this is ridiculous.

Sylar.: Just do whatever.

Kirk: Janitor, tell Spock to forget logic for one second.

Sylar.: Just be glad I'm not slicing all of your heads off right now.

Kirk: true that.

Ok Spock, I'll settle for being friends... for now.

Spock: A-affirmative.

for now.

Kirk: good. -pats Spock on the back-

Sylar.: drinking contest then?

Spock: -pats kirk back on back-

Kirk: Hellz yeah. I don't back down from those.

Spock: Yes.

Sylar.: excellent.

Kirk: Oooh, Spock is touchy-feely tonight!

Spock: Janitor you in?

Kirk: Come on, Janitor.

it wouldn't be a good idea to leave me alone with Spock and a Spock lookalike. Trust me on that one.

Spock: -moves to take first round-

The Janitor: janitor is sleeping.

TO BE CONTINUED… hopefully.