Just face it: we've all done it. We've all at a point taken the universe of Harry Potter and abused the creative flow made by J.K. Rowling. But there are times where things take a step over the line of reasonable. This fic, a series of drabbles/one-shots, is dedicated to the quirky, absurd, and the just plain stupid.
The Kingdom of AU
Fifty Plus One Equals?
In which Sirius finds out the consequences of being a player…
Harry was happy to see his godfather out and about now that his name had been cleared. Sirius now had the chance to live a happier and healthier lifestyle and forget the past fourteen years. However, things did not seem that way when Harry saw his godfather in the hall with his best friend Remus Lupin.
"I can't believe this is happening," groaned Sirius, his hair hanging in his face.
"It's really all your fault," sighed Lupin running a hand through his graying hair. "I always told you to be careful, but did you listen to me? No. It's a good thing you have that fortune."
"But honestly, fifty-one! What am I supposed to do with fif-"
"Oh, hello Harry," stated the former professor. Sirius snapped his head up to look at Harry but then quickly looked away. "Um… Sirius has something to tell you. Don't you, Sirius? It's really important."
His godfather glared at Lupin but then walked over to his godson putting an arm on his shoulder to guide him down the hall. "So, Harry, now that I'm a free man I was thinking that maybe you'd want to come stay with me instead of your muggle relatives." Harry felt his heart soar. Finally, Sirius and he could have the life they always wanted with a tiny cottage in the countryside- "There's just one itsy-bitsy complication," said Sirius. Harry felt his dreams take footing on the floor again. "It isn't just going to be you and me. I want you to meet your god-siblings."
The door to an abandoned classroom swung open dramatically to reveal an entire room of children, teenagers to be precise, all around Harry's age. All eyes turned to the door and Harry could see they all had the trademark gray eyes of the Black family.
"How many of them are there?" asked Harry bewilderedly.
"Fifty-one," replied the man flatly. "These are my fifty-one children. Only one set is twins. And of course each one of them has to be named after a constellation just like me. Starting here and going clockwise we have Orion, Sirius Jr., Adara, Agena, Atlas, Alya, Betelgeuse, Capella, Castor, Diphda, Electra, Fornacis, Hadar, Izar, Jabbah, Kuma, Matar, Meissa, Miram, Mufrid, Nashira, Peacock, Pollux, Rana, Rastaban, Rigel, Sabik, Saiph, Segin, Sham, Shaula, Spica, Syrma, Tabit, Talitha, Tarazed, Terebellum, Thuban, Tyl, Vega, Wasat, Wezen, Yildun, Zaniah, Zaurak, Zibal, Zosma, Zuben, Taygeta, Porima, and Chara."
"Have you met them before?" questioned Harry glancing at the fifty-one pairs of gray eyes staring unblinkingly at him. He somehow knew the answer before Sirius responded.
"Nope. I didn't even know that they existed until today."
"Who told you?" inquired Harry; somewhat wishing that he had stayed in bed today.
"Dumbledore," said Sirius. "He said the orphanages were getting crowded."
"Where is their mother?" asked Harry.
"Their mothers died in the war: all fifty of them," Sirius stated nonchalantly.
"Fifty! You mean they're not all from the same person?!" asked Harry outraged.
"Of course not! They're like almost all the same age, and I already told only one set are twins," scoffed Sirius.
"Yes. Apparently after graduating from Hogwarts, joining the Order, being the best man at your parents' wedding, becoming your godfather, and being sent to Azkaban I had the time to dilly-dally with fifty different women," replied Sirius.
"Wait, how did fifty women die all at the same time?" questioned Harry in disbelief.
"Well…" started Sirius as if he were about to engage in a long story, "Mary, Pamela, Anna, Susan, and Nicole were murdered by Death Eaters; Phoebe, Jessica, Tory, Erica, and Christine died during the torture process; Johanna was killed by this guy who looked like a really old version of Snape; Kate, Katie, Katherine, Cathy, and Katy were attacked by Inferi; Tami had her soul sucked out by a Dementor, though I swear she didn't have a soul in the first place; Lauren, Beverly, Patty, Maria, and Barbara killed each other in a cat-fight over me, of course; Lacey fell into a dragon's den in Romania and hasn't been seen since though Charlie found something that looked like a ring that I bought her; Isabelle, Cindy, Tracy, Amy, and Danielle committed suicide; Emily was eaten by a giant Pop-tart though it's thought that she survived and is assisting this pastry in the Pop-tart serial killings out in Siberia; Amanda, Julie, Dana, Petrina, and Gabby were attacked by demon monkeys; Rebecca, Robin, Roberta, Clarice, and Francis were abducted by aliens; Sophia, Brigitte, Katrina, and Marina crashed a plane into an active volcano; Meredith went crazy because of the twins, Orion and Sirius Jr., and drowned herself in a vat of oatmeal; Ally, Olivia, Jamie, Faith, and Bethany were killed by sweater vests; and Martha mistook a glass of bleach for a glass of milk and rotted all of her brain cells, it was very tragic."
"So you know how all of your girlfriends died, but you didn't know you had fifty-one children?" inquired Harry incredulously.
"I actually didn't find out until Dumbledore told me this morning. It was kind of like winning the lottery, only instead of winning fifty grand I won fifty children."
"You forgot me again!" cried one of the children.
"Plus one," added Sirius. "Oh yeah, all of your god-siblings are being enrolled in Hogwarts as we speak."
"What?!!" gasped Harry, his jaw dropping. "B-but-"
"I'm sure you're all going to be the best of friends, every single one of you, because that's supposed to be expected of you. And if any of you are sorted into Slytherin I'll disown and you'll be an orphan… again. But this time I'll know about you, but I won't care. So there. You will all be in Gryffindor: every single one of you, because that is to be expected of you also. Right Harry… and fifty-one children?"
Harry gaped trying to imagine Gryffindor with fifty-one new house members. The dorms would probably have to hold twenty people each. What if the weight from the extra people made Gryffindor Tower slide off the school? Hogwarts was an extremely old building…
"Right," chorused the fifty-one children.
"What?" stated Harry.
"Because that is definitely to be expected," said Sirius in finality.
I think a valuable lesson away from this chapter: never win the lottery. *Cough* besides that, I'm pretty sure we can determine the real Sirius probably did not have any children. Also, Sirius in the Flashback for OotP does not notice the girl staring at him on page 642. Please read and review! Any suggestions for future chapters are welcome.