Title: Heart of my Heart

Pairing: Alexander/Hephaistion

Rating: R (?)

Disclaimer: Own nothing and nothing is true.

Warning: Implied m/m slash, fluff, silliness

Word-count: 1,700 (short for me)

Feedback: Feed my muse, please

Note: Written for bi-weekly Alexander Alphabet Challenge. Shorter than usual, sillier than usual and even less historical than usual (if that's possible XD)

"Love of my love. Life of my life. Heart of my heart."

"You are inexcusably drunk, Alexander. Please let me pass."

"But, my beautiful Phai, even if I am drunk that makes my words no less true, for you are the love of my love, life of my …"

"Yes, I get your point, my King, but I trust you know better than to divulge such thoughts out in the open where anyone can hear them."


"Did his majesty just spit at one of his highest generals?"

"I most certainly did General Hephaistion and I shall do it again. Ppfftt."

"I don't believe I care to be spit upon a third time, Alexander, so let me pass before I am forced to move you myself … my King."

"Ah, but you're a lover not a fighter, Hephaistion, and especially when it comes to me."

"I believe I've shown you a time or two when I was much more than just a lover, Alexander. Now get out of my way before you cause a scene."

"Come to my room, Phai. I need to feel you next to me on this night."

"And which room would it be that you are asking me to come to, Alexander? The one where your wife lies asleep in your marital bed or the one where your eunuch lies awake, waiting for you."

"Heart of my heart, you are picking a fight with me now, are you not?"

"I merely wish to retire to my room."

"What a splendid idea! We will go to your room then. That solves all of our problems, does it not?"

"Indeed it does not, my King. For the problem lies not in where we should retire but in whether we should retire together at all."

"But I always wish to retire with you, Hephaistion."

"Your wife would be pleased to hear that, I'm sure."

"Roxanne is just a means of producing an heir so all that oppose me can no longer rally against me in that regard. And you, my dear general, are perfectly aware of that."

"And Bagoas?"

"Property! That's all Bagoas is to me. He's mere property that I acquired with the taking of the palace."

"Property that warms your bed far more than I do as of late, Alexander."

"Only because you're so stubborn, Hephaistion."

"I am the stubborn one, my …?"

"Only because you care too much about the looks and whisperings of others. Only because you listen too closely to those beastly generals who bend your ear. Only because you no longer love me as you once did."

"Alexander, if you weren't so far into your cups, you would admit that all that you have spouted is utter and complete nonsense. I care not what others think of me, only of what they think of you. I care not what the other generals think nor say about me, only what they think and say about you. And were you to be in your right mind at this very moment or anytime in the future, you would know undeniably that I love you more with each passing day."

"You still love me, Phai?"

"Alexander, please keep your voice down and allow me to escort you to your room."

"Which room?"

"Whichever one you choose, my beloved."

"Alright then, I choose your room."

"Oh, by Zeus' balls, I'm going to set you on your arse very soon, if you don't stop."

"What were we talking about, Hephaistion? I could really use a drink. Shall we retire to my room for a cup of wine?"

"Oh, Alexander!"

"Wait! Where are you going, Hephaistion? Why do you scurry off with such haste?"

"Go to bed, Alexander."

"Do you wish me to chase you as we did when we were boys? I did always manage to catch you, you know."

"Only because I let you, Alexander."

"Must you run, my beloved? I'm getting far too old to be running a foot race here in the halls of the palace."

"Go to your room, Alexander."

"Ah, I see your ploy now. Very clever, General, luring me to your room with your wicked and wanton ways."

"I'm going to bed now, Alexander."

"Ah, yes, and so be I."

"I trust if you get lost in the halls of your own palace, someone will escort you to your room. Good night, my beloved."

"Phai! I think you bolted the door by mistake. Open the door, my love. Or do you wish for me to fetch some wine before you let me in?"

"Alexander, you infuriate me so. Go to your room, now!"

"Love of my love! Life of my life! Heart of my Heart!"

"Oh, for the love of the Gods, get your drunken arse in here."

"You never could resist my charm, my Phai."

"It has nothing to do with your charm and everything to do with the loudness of your Kingly voice, Alexander."

"Do you have any wine, Hephaistion? I am rather thirsty, you know."

"I believe you've had enough wine for the evening."


"Alexander! Do not start your spitting again or I shall toss you out on your arse."

"You can never have enough wine, Hephaistion. Wine is the nectar of the Gods."

"Then you are already highly intoxicated from your nectar, my King. How about a cup of water? It will make you feel better in the morning."

"How about a kiss instead? That always makes me feel better and not just in the morning."

"I think not, Alexander. Now please, sit yourself down before you topple over and damage that thick skull of yours."

"Hephaistion, you wound me deeply with your harsh words."

"I have not even begun to wound you with my words, Alexander."

"Not even a little kiss?"

"Not a hope."

"Then what shall we do for entertainment? Would you like me to call for Bagoas?"


"Ha! The King has now been spit upon by one of his highest generals. But from your lips it almost has the beauty of a very sexy hissing cat. Ha!"

"Would you like me to do it, again?"

"I was only teasing, Phai. I know your opinion of the eunuch."

"My opinion has nothing to do with it, Alexander."

"It must be jealousy then, is it?"

"I have the urge to spit upon you again, Alexander, but I'll retain my dignity and just say that my dislike of Bagoas has nothing to do with jealousy."

"Not even a wee bit?"

"Alright, perhaps a wee bit. But I am more concerned for your reputation, Alexander. The others do not think highly of your flaunting of the eunuch."

"But is it not my business and no one else's? Are you quite sure you have no wine, Hephaistion? What's in that jug over there?"

"Water, Alexander. And yes, it is your business but ruffling the feathers of your supporters will only cause ripples to run through your army, my beloved."

"This conversation is boring me, Hephaistion. Can we not speak of something else or crawl into that beautiful bed of yours?"

"What would you like to speak of then?"


"Definitely, not. Try again, please?"


"And again."


"Alexander. Do you wish to find yourself on your arse in the hall?"


"Are you tired, my beloved? Would you like to lie down?"

"On the bed?"




"Neither of us?"

"Neither of us."

"Then what good is the bed?"

"To sleep upon, Alexander."

"So, you offer me no wine, no kissing, no touching or tasting, and no nakedness of your beauty?"

"In a word … yes."

"That's not very hospitable of you, General Hephaistion."

"I'm sure your majesty has other options he may like to partake of."

"No, he does not."

"What about the harem?"

"What kind of a question is that?"

"My apologies. What about the eunuch?"

"He's worn out his welcome and interests me no more."

"And the Queen?"

"Interests me even less."

"If you have no interest in your harem, your eunuch, or your wife, what exactly have you an interest in, my King?"

"I am quite fond of wine."

"Mmm hmm."

"But more fond of you, my beloved."

"You've always been exceptionally affectionate when you were in your cups, Alexander."

"And you used to appreciate that affection, Phai."

"I still do, Alexander."

"But what about all the rules?"

"What rules, my love?"

"What rules? Ppfftt. No kissing, no touching, no tasting, no nakedness."

"Sometimes rules are meant to be broken."


"Did I not speak clearly, Alexander?"

"What about the wine rule?"


"I only tease you, my love."

"Mmm hmm."

"If I obey the wine rule then might I perhaps disobey one of the others?"

"You might."

"And how will I know if I might?"

"You might ask."

"You are always so logical when I'm in my cups, my Phai."

"Only when you're in your cups, my beloved?"

"No. You have always been the logical one I suppose."

"And you the passionate one, Alexander."

"And the drunk one?"

"Sometimes, yes."

"We make a good team then do we not?"

"We always have."

"So … might I kiss you then?"

"You might."

"And might I touch you now?"

"You might."

"And might I taste you now?"


"And might I undress you now, my beloved?"

"Yes, Alexander. I implore you to."

"On the bed?"

"As you wish, my King."

"You are beautiful, my Phai."

"As are you, Alexander."

"I am a lucky, drunk man, am I not?"

"Yes, you are."




"Alexander? Oh by Zeus' balls. Why can I never stick to my decisions when it comes to you? Good night, my beloved. Pleasant dreams."