Contradicting Contractions

This is for Timmer from Rehab, and also I am making some good use of n7of9's post there about the things I've learned from Twilight Fanfiction.

If you want to know the origins behind this go to http://wide-awake-rehab{dot}socialgo{dot}com and I can point you in the right direction.

Disclaimer: SM owns all. Keep in mind throughout reading, this is a crackfic. This is not meant for smut, lemons, or any other kind of enjoyment but perhaps laughter and wondering if you were on something while reading this. Mkay thanks.

Labbits Disclaimer for me: No bitchy bitches should read this!

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EPOV

I stared at my feet as I paced in front of the door. What was taking her so long?

"Edward, can you go pace somewhere else?"

Bella's voice was as full of as much impatience as I was feeling.

"Are you alright in there? You're taking a long time?" I urged pressing my ear to the door.

"God damnit Edward!" she yelled, and I knew her raging hormones wouldn't be able to handle much more of my badgering. "Can't I just go to the bathroom in peace?!"

I stepped away from the door, wringing my hands as I waited for her to emerge.

I wasn't normally this high strung, but since Bella's water had broken this morning I had been a nervous wreck. As soon as we reached the hospital I was even trying to bark out orders to the nurses. I was determined to make sure everything went smoothly for the birth of my child. Especially my first child.

The sound of running water had me nearly running to the door. I reached it right as Bella yanked it open, eyeing me with trepidation.

"Is everything okay? Do you need help? Should I call a nurse?" I spat out at once, reminding myself of Alice.

Bella rolled her eyes at me as she made her way slowly back to the bed, clutching her side. My eyes widened in concern, but Bella shot me a look telling me to drop it.

I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding as Bella situated herself on her bed. I wondered if I should ask a doctor about that, since I seemed to be holding my breath more and more often. Lately I had been feeling more and more light headed, and I wondered if one time I might actually make myself pass out.

Bella's hand reached over to grab mine as she pulled me from my thoughts of my erratic breathing.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked me, a smile playing on her lips.

"The baby," I lied as I watched a look of pain fill her eyes, and once again I was holding my breath.

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It had been nearly twelve hours since we had been admitted to the hospital, and they were saying it was finally time.

I was in a frenzy to say the least.

Currently my hands were fisted in my hair, and I couldn't help my mind from wandering to that strange website I had found recently about fisting. I shuddered at the images that rolled through my thoughts, trying to bring myself back to the current task at hand. I definitely should not be thinking about fisting and my almost born child in the same thought…and yet I just had.

I looked around nervously, worried that someone might be reading my mind, but chuckled at the thought. Mind reading, what a cockamamie idea.

The nurse pushed past me, shoving me to the side. This was not the first time she had done it, and I was really getting sick of this nurse. She was really being a cunt. She sneered at me, as she checked on Bella. If she hadn't been so near to my wife and child she may have been the first woman I would ever dare to hit.

Bella's face contorted from another contraction and I quickly reached out to caress her arm. Yet instead of the grunt of displeasure I was expecting to fall from her lips I heard a soft moan instead. I looked quickly at her, confusion written all over my face.

Her hand reached out to grab mine, squeezing it tightly as another contraction hit. Once again I ran my hand over her arm, this time kissing the top of her head. This time a louder moan was elicited.

Glancing around the room I noticed that nobody else had heard Bella. Or if they had, they at least weren't showing any signs of it.

"Edward," Bella whispered, "don't stop…it feels so good when you touch me.".

My eyes searched frantically around the room not sure of what they were looking for. Bella's hand instinctively wrapped tighter around my hand as another contraction began and reflexively I caressed her arm. Turning my face towards her, I brought my lips slowly to hers. She moaned deeply into my mouth at the contact.

"Bella?" I questioned imploringly as she longingly reached for another kiss.

"Please, Edward," she whispered seductively, causing goosebumps to run down my neck.

She moved her hand from my own as she slowly worked it down my chest lazily. My eyes grew wide, as I looked around at the nurses that filled the room. All of them seemed unaware of the events taking place while I tried desperately to think of anything that would stop my growing problem.

"There's my big boy," she purred as she groped me through my jeans.

I turned my head desperately. Why wasn't anyone noticing this? Why wasn't anyone STOPPING this?

She continued to palm me through my jeans, and I couldn't stop the small moan that escaped my lips as my hands grew a mind of their own, moving their way down her chest to grope her.

Her moan grew louder as another contraction hit. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was going to hell for this, but I couldn't stop as her fingers brushed my zipper.

"Bella, no…" I began in a panicked tone.

"Shhh Edward, let me," she purred back causing me to briefly wonder if she was part cat she was purring so much, but the thought quickly left my mind as I felt her grab me through my boxers.

I inhaled sharply as I felt her reach into my boxers, pulling me out slowly. Sweet Jesus, she was going to expose me to the entire hospital staff and I could hardly give a damn, as I watched her lick her lips in anticipation.

My hand moved to the inside of her hospital gown as I rubbed her breast in my hand. She mewled in contentment, and once again I wondered if there was more to naming a woman's vagina a "pussy".

Her lips enveloped me suddenly as my head fell back in ecstasy.

"Yesssssss," I hissed in delight, wondering if everyone in the room was staring at us yet.

Bella began to move as much as the bed would allow, while I greedily tried to pull her towards me, my hand behind her head. She let out a moan around my cock as I continued to fondle her breasts, noticing another tremor passing through her body.

Taking a chance, I looked to my side to be pleasantly surprised that nobody had taken notice of the dirty act that was taking place right in front of them.

"Okay Bella," a nurse began, "the baby's almost here."

She stared straight at Bella with her lips wrapped around my dick and acted as if this were something she saw everyday. Panic began to set in, there was no way I would finish by the time the baby came, and I couldn't let my child come into this world while I was lodged deep inside his mothers throat.

Teach the boy right, I pondered briefly before shaking my head in disgust.

What the hell was I thinking? I couldn't let my son see his own mother giving me head. No I would take him to a strip joint like every other father when it was time to teach him that.

"Bella, you need to stop…so you can…push," I tried to say as she worked her magic lips around me.

A sharper contraction must have hit as she moaned louder around me, taking me further into her throat. The contractions were coming closer together now as she slurped sloppily around me.

"Doctor, the baby's crowning," I heard the nurse say as Bella continued to slob on my knob, like corn on the cob. My mind wandered for a second singing the catchy jingle I had heard and trying to place where I had heard it from.

"You're right nurse, it's almost time. Unfold her lips and lets get this show on the road," The doctor said, and I sighed. Finally they could get Bella off me and talk some reason into her that she should be worried about my child, not my cock snot.

Glancing down, however, I watched as they unfolded my wifes vagina lips and wondered how the hell they did that. Maybe they could teach me, it might make it easier for me to get her to orgasm.

Contraction after contraction rocked Bella as her pace quickened. I tried to pay attention to the new life being brought into the world, but couldn't as I continued to hold the back of her head and pound relentlessly into her face feeling the familiar tightening in my balls.

"I can see the head!" the nurse exclaimed and I felt tears in my eyes, as I tried to keep my eyes open as my orgasm rocked through my body, my cum filling Bella's tiny mouth, a tiny drop escaped dribbling down her chin.

"Meet your new baby boy!"

Our son was placed on Bella's chest and she smiled down at him, my cum still filling her mouth as some of it spilled through the sides of her smile. Staring at the two of them I couldn't help but think it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life.

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If you thought "haha I just puked in my mouth a little" at all reading this, then I did my job.

Haha I stole many an idea from n7of9, timmer, the sex dictionary, and random other things floating around in my head. Hope you enjoyed what my sick twisted mind did! Trust me, I gagged a little too. Lol. But I definitely want to put the CRACK in crackfic! Anybody got a straw?!

{ps, Jesus I'm sorry. Don't make me go to hell for this}