A/N: I had started writing this one a while back, but I just got the time to finish and polish it a little, so I decided to post it. It's just pointless humor, but it was definitely fun to write.
"Are you sure he's here, Wade?" Kim asked, wiping some sweat from her forehead and giving an amused glance at Ron as he kept struggling against a few vines he had gotten stuck into and that simply didn't want to let him go.
"One-hundred percent sure," the boy genius replied from the Kimmunicator "I couldn't locate his exact position, but he must be around there. Just keep your eyes peeled, he's a tricky one."
"Tell me something I don't know," Kim said with a small chuckle as she put the Kimmunicator back in her pocket and turned to Ron – just in time to see the boy finally breaking free from the vines and falling face first on the ground.
"You okay?" Kim asked, holding out her hand to help him up.
"Yeah," Ron muttered, resentfully glaring at the vines "you know, I think those vines are a trap. They have to be filled with some evil monkey magic thing!"
"No, really – the wouldn't let me go! As if they were alive!" Ron insisted, waving his arms for emphasis. From his pocket, Rufus sighed and shook his head.
"Ron, you just got stuck. It happens," Kim said with a shrug "let's go, I want to be done before dinner…"
"I tell you those were evil," the boy muttered, but he follower her without another word. Truth to be told, he wanted to be done soon as well – wandering through a jungle looking for Monkey Fist and his bunch of monkey ninjas was not exactly what he had in mind for his weekend.
Monkey Fist closed his eyes and stepped under the small waterfall. The water was cold, but it was a pleasant change from the damp, hot hair in the jungle. Actually, he had grown to appreciate it, especially when the weather was that hot.
He couldn't even recall when was the last time he had bathed with hot water, he mused as he rubbed his arms and chest to get rid of the sweat and mud…and he certainly couldn't say that staying clean was an easy task in a jungle, he thought, running a simian hand through his wet hair. Well, at least it didn't take him much to get dry after bathing: there was a slight breeze that day, and that would be enough to get dry in a few—
"…uh?" he blinked as he suddenly felt something slimy under his fingers. He glanced down and grimaced as he saw the leech on his stomach, just above the bellybutton. "The most useless creatures on Earth," Monkey Fist muttered to himself as he grabbed the leech and threw it away. Humans aside, there were very few animals on Earth he actually thought simply shouldn't exist, and leeches were on top of the list.
The monkey man scowled in disgust at the thought before splashing some water on the small bleeding wound the leech had left on his stomach. The wound didn't stop bleeding, but that barely worried him – the effect of the leech's anti-clotting enzyme would be over soon anyway. It was just one reason to be quick and finish his bath before any other of those disgusting creatures decided to have a meal with his blood, he decided as he stepped away from the waterfall and walked closer to the rock where he had left his clothes.
Well, at least the water barely reached his waist, and that prevented the leeches from getting on his upper body. Maybe he should considering building some kind of pipes system to bring water in his tree hut directly – that would definitely spare him such annoyances, he mused as he reached to take his clothes. Besides, the monkey ninjas were growing lazy: it wouldn't hurt them having something to do while--
"What…?" Monkey Fist blinked as he realized his clothes were no longer on the rock where he had left them. Maybe they were on some other rock? He glanced around – no, his clothes were nowhere to be seen. Then where…?
A sudden screeching sound coming from above caught his attention, causing him to look up to see a monkey – a wild monkey, definitely not one of his monkey ninjas – sitting on a branch with what looked like a heap of black cloth in its hands. His clothes, obviously.
"What in the world…? Return them this very instant!" he yelled. The wild monkey blinked and glanced down at him. It stared at him for a few moments, clearly curious, then it shrugged and began observing his clothes. It held up his pants with a puzzled frown and tried to put an arm up one leg.
"Don't pretend you didn't hear me! Return them at once if you don't want me to come over there and force you to give them back – painfully!" he threatened, a part of his mind seriously wondering if he was really going to come out from the river and climb up the three without clothes on. After all he was alone there, with only monkeys to see him, so it shouldn't be much of an issue…but he wasn't quite willing to do so unless he had to.
The wild monkey, however, didn't seem impressed by his threats. Monkey Fist gritted his teeth in outrage as the animal apparently decided, upon closer inspection, that his underwear would make a lovely hat.
"Fine, you asked for it! Monkey ninjas!" he bellowed, and in just a few instants the wild monkey was facing a dozed of monkeys dressed as ninjas. The small creature gave a terrified yelp, backing away a little, Monkey Fist's underwear still on its head. The monkey man grinned. "Not so defiant now, are we?" he asked, but his grin quickly vanished as the wild monkey turned back and ran away…which was what he had been aiming for when he had called for his monkey ninjas, aside from one small detail – the monkey had grabbed his clothes before running away.
Oh, for heaven's sake...!
"Don't just stand there – go after it!" Monkey Fist snapped, and his monkey ninjas immediately obeyed, soon disappearing from his sight. "How comes I always have to tell them everything?" he grumbled to no one in particular before glancing at the tree hut. Fine, he did have some spare clothes with him and thus it wasn't much of a problem if those got lost, but it was a matter of pride – as the future Monkey Master, he wouldn't stand having a wild, untrained monkey disrespecting him like that without any consequence! They all better learn who their master was as soon as--
"Not again!" Monkey Fist suddenly growled as he reached underwater to get a leech off his thigh, and he quickly decided to resume his musings later: he'd rather not stay there to offer a good meal to leeches any more than it was strictly necessary. With his monkey ninjas away, it would be no trouble getting out and climbing up the tree hut to get dry clothes – after all, it wasn't like anyone was there to watch him.
"Stop right there, Monkey Fist!"
The monkey man scowled as he turned to the teen heroine, mentally thanking every divinity he could think of for waiting a few more moments before getting out of the river – water still reached his waist, and he was mostly shielded by their view by the rock his clothes had been onto until a few minutes before. "Kim Possible," he sneered "and of course…" he paused and looked around "…where is he?"
"He's right…uh…" Kim blinked and glanced around "Ron?"
"Coming, KP!" came Ron's voice just a moment before he managed to break free from a few vines and stumbled forward "ow!"
Monkey Fist raised an eyebrow as the boy fell face first in a puddle of mud. "I suppose hoping you had been kind enough to spare me his presence was asking for too much," he said dryly, turning to Kim "but I have to admit it was a fitting entrance for a buffoon – does he plan them out before each mission, or it just comes natural?"
She shrugged. "It comes natural, I guess. Anyway, how about being sensible and coming with us without a fight? Just for this once?" she asked somewhat hopefully.
He raised and eyebrow. "And I should because…?"
"Because you broke out of prison, and you should get back there."
"Would it surprise you if I said no?"
Kim sighed. "Nope, but it was still worth a try. So, are you going to call for your monkey ninjas anytime soon? I'd like to finish this quickly and get back in time for the cheerleader practice," she said, taking a fighting stance, then she blinked "where are your monkey ninjas anyway?" she asked as no attack came.
Ron shuddered. "Not that we're missing them, mind you," he pointed out, glancing around a tad anxiously – it was clear the idea of meeting his arch-nemesis' minions didn't exactly appeal him.
Monkey Fist, on the other hand, stayed silent for a few moments, mouth hanging open as he tried to think of something he could say. During their bantering, he had completely forgotten his current predicament: he was into a river in the jungle, not wearing much of anything – actually, not wearing anything at all – and his monkey ninjas were away, leaving him to deal with a couple of teenagers that seemed unaware of the situation and certainly expected him to fight them. Had it been happening to anyone else, Monkey Fist could have found it rather amusing.
"Well?" Kim urged him, and he gritted his teeth.
"They are not here right now – I could let them know you asked of them if you leave though," he said.
"Yeah, right," Kim rolled her eyes, still in a fighting stance "nice try. So, are you coming out to fight or not?"
Monkey Fist hesitated. "I'm afraid it wouldn't be pleasant for either of us if I did."
Kim raised an eyebrow, clearly not getting what he meant. "Does that mean I have to get there?" she asked, taking a step forward to the river "if you hope I'll fall for some trap--"
"NO!" Monkey Fist nearly screeched, sounding nearly panicked "stay there, so you hear me? Stay there and don't you dare getting any closer!" the monkey man yelled, still hiding behind the rock and sinking a little deeper in the water. He felt something squirm on his side, and he reached down to grab another leech – as if what was happening wasn't enough, he thought with a disgusted grimace before turning his attention back to Team Possible.
Kim stopped in her tracks with a perplexed expression. "What's the problem?" she asked "are you just trying to take time? Afraid to lose?"
"Against you? Hardly," Monkey Fist seethed, his mind racing to find a way out of the situation – a way out that could allow him to maintain his dignity, if possible.
Ron frowned in confusion. "Really, dude, what the problem? You usually are the one who attacks first…"
"Believe me, I have a good reason to tell you to not get over here," Monkey Fist snarled "and if you know what's good for you, you better follow my advice and not get any closer."
Last thing I need is being accused of molesting minors.
Kim frowned. "Is there something in the water? It's not like I can't take care of a crocodile or two…"
The monkey man felt a sudden urge to bang his head against the rock he was hiding behind: how come she just couldn't put two and two together and understand what was going on? "Not quite – the most fearsome thing you can find in here is leeches," to emphasize his point, he grabbed a leech that had been clinging to his lower back and threw it at Ron.
"Uh?" the boy instinctively caught it and stared at it for a few instants before he realized what it was "eek! Leeches!" he shrieked, letting it fall on the ground and backing away waving his arms, much to Monkey Fist's amusement. "That was totally gross, dude!"
"My apologies, it slipped off my hands," he said with a smirk "as you might have noticed, they're rather… slimy."
Ron made a face. "Bleach!"
Kim raised her arms to get their attention back. "Uh…guys? Forget about leeches for a moment," she said before turning back to Monkey Fist "so, are you getting here to be defeated like a good villain or not?"
"For the last time, no," Monkey Fist growled "I'm not in the right conditions to get out."
Monkey Fist sighed, massaging his temples. "Possible," he said slowly, as if he was talking to a rather dumb child "can you tell where I am right now?"
"…into a river?"
"Precisely. What do you think I could be doing in a river in the middle of a jungle?"
A worried expression began to show on Kim's face – she was starting to see where he was getting at. Ron didn't seem to understand yet, but that hardly surprised him. "Bathing?" Ron finally suggested, clearly oblivious of the implications of what he had just said.
"Exactly – seems like your stupidity does have limits after all," Monkey Fist muttered "now, I might not know that much about American habits, but I highly doubt you'd take a bath while fully clothed…would you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
Kim opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out as she finally realized what had exactly prevented him from getting out from the water and fight them. "Ah," she said awkwardly, clearly not knowing what to say.
"Not one of your most articulate replies, but I take it you finally got my drift," Monkey Fist said, trying to ignore the awkwardness of the moment. "Now, if you kindly--"
"Wait, I still don't get it!" Ron piped in, scratching his head "what's the matter?"
Kim shuddered a little before turning to look at him. "Ron, he's naked," she stated, causing Monkey Fist to wonder if just going underwater until they left would be such a bad idea. Subtlety certainly wasn't among her strong points.
Ron stared at her for a few moments, then his puzzled expression turned into a disgusted one. "Ew! You could have told us before!" he protested, quickly backing away from the riverside.
"It's hardly my fault if you don't understand a thing unless someone spells it out for you," Monkey Fist snapped, still hiding behind the rock "now, would you mind taking a few steps back? Thank you," he said sarcastically as both Kim and Ron quickly complied.
"Okay, uh…" Kim cleared her throat "what now?"
"We'll wait for my monkey ninjas to get back with my clothes, you'll give me a moment to get them on, and then we'll kill each other like civilised people."
Kim resisted the urge of telling him it sounded rather weird hearing him talking about being civilised. "As usual?"
"Alright," Kim said, leaning against a tree "so, uh…"
"That's doesn't mean we have to have a conversation while we wait," Monkey Fist pointed out dryly, rubbing his arms – alright, now he was really starting to feel cold. How much time was it taking the monkey ninjas to just get his clothes and come back?
"Do you always have to be that bitter?" Ron asked.
"Get over here to struggle with leeches and then tell me if you feel friendly," Monkey Fist seethed, reaching underwater to get another leech off him – dear Lord, how many of them were there? "Not to mention that you suddenly dropped here interrupting my privacy."
"Privacy? You're bathing in a jungle!" Ron pointed out.
"On a piece of land that I own."
"…oh," Ron grinned sheepishly "er...awkward."
"That's beside the point – you broke out from prison!" Kim reminded him.
"It's hardly my fault if Killigan miscalculated and blew up the walls of my cell as well," Monkey Fist said with a shrug "I had an opportunity, and I seized it. Did you honestly expect me to sit quietly and wait for the guards to get there?"
"It would have spared us some trouble."
"I didn't ask for you to come after me," Monkey Fist snapped, and he was about to add something about how he'd suggest them to simply focus on their studies rather than running after him since they so obviously lacked of any decent education, but he trailed off as a familiar screeching reached his ears – his monkey ninjas.
"It was about time," he muttered as one of his monkeys jumped on the rock he had been hiding behind, holding his clothes. The other monkey ninjas stood between the river and Team Possible, taking fighting stances, clearly waiting for his order to attack – and they didn't have to wait too long.
"Monkey ninjas, attack!"
"Eep!" Ron let out a shriek as the monkey ninjas were on them as one. He tried to hit one of the monkeys, but he only managed to get his pants caught in a branch, which resulted with him stumbling forward, his pants around his ankles.
On the other hand, Kim was more than capable to fight them off – but it still took her some time, and when she finally managed to get the last monkey ninjas off her Monkey Fist wasn't in the river anymore. She glanced around, but there was no sign of him – had he just left, leaving his monkeys behind?
"That was quite impressive, I have to admit," Monkey Fist's voice came from above them, and Kim and Ron turned up to see him standing on a branch, once again fully clothed. For a moment Kim considered using her grappling hook, but the branch was too high for the hook to reach it.
"Yeah, thanks," Kim said coldly "why don't you get over here and join the fun?" she asked, looking around for a branch she could get onto to reach the one Monkey Fist was standing onto. On the other hand, the monkey man had no intention of giving her the time to do so.
He sneered at them. "I'd love to," he said, clearly amused to see Ron struggling to get his pants back on "but I'm afraid I have business elsewhere, and I can't take the risk of letting you stop me – I hope you don't mind," he added, mockingly bowing his head "monkey ninjas, retreat!"
The monkey ninjas immediately climbed up the trees and followed him as he jumped from one branch to the other. They kept moving from tree to tree until they were far enough to assume Team Possible wouldn't be able to find them, then Monkey Fist signalled his monkey ninjas to stop.
"Is anyone going to explain me what took you so long, and why in the world my underwear wasn't among the clothes you brought back?"
There was some nervous squealing, and Monkey Fist frowned. "You couldn't catch it? You're trained ninjas! You should--" he paused and sighed "yes, I suppose knowing the jungle better gave it an advantage," he admitted "and what about my underwear?"
None of the monkey ninjas spoke for a few moments.
"I'm waiting for a reply," Monkey Fist said coldly.
The monkeys glanced uneasily at each other before one of them spoke. Monkey Fist's jaw dropped. "What in the world does it mean, you let him keep it to get the rest?" he nearly screeched.
There were a few apologetic whimpers. Monkey Fist took a deep breath, trying to not think that somewhere in the jungle there was a wild monkey walking around with his underwear on its head.
"Nevermind," he growled as he turned to climb on another branch "let's move, I'd very much like to find a shelter for the night," he said, taking a mental note to have his monkey actually building a pipe system to the tree hut next time they had to stay there.