"Pass that rag, will ya?" Jayne asked Mal.
He passed him the dirty rag before getting back to his pistol.
They were cleaning their guns before their big job planet-side. Things were going fine, just two men sitting in silence. Of course things were about to go from almost relaxing to terrible like they always could on his boat.
River walked into the kitchen with a wide and pretty smile. "Hello Captain."
"Hey there little one. What's got you grinnin'?"
She looked a little shy, but she answered anyway. "Talked to Simon. Something good happened."
"Oh? Care to enlighten us petty thieves on this good?" he asked fondly.
"In nine months I'm going to have something to show for it."
Jayne choked. "Gorram! You're pregnant? Damnit, I didn't mean…I was drunk…I didn't mean to…I mean, I don't remember…"
"What do you mean you were drunk and don't remember?" Mal demanded with a sideways glance at his blushing pilot.
"That party, we…gorramit…you're…?" Jayne repeated.
"What else would she be talking about, Jayne? She talked to Simon, nine months-"
"Captain-" she attempted. Jayne cut across her.
"I can't believe it! I don't remember! I didn't mean to…did I…contribute to this thing?"
"You got her pregnant! I'm gonna push you outta the airlock so quick you don't have time to even pray to your dear and fluffy Lord that you make it anywhere but the fiery depths of hell where you belong you yin jue pian lu zi tun!" Mal roared.
"I am not! Take that back!"
"You can't take this back!" he shouted.
"Captain, Jayne-" she attempted again.
"It weren't my fault! I was drunk. She's the one that pushed it, not me!"
"No she didn't!"
"How do you know? You weren't there!"
"I know her! She wouldn't do that! Not with you!"
"Oh so I'm guessin' you're thinkin' she'd do it with you? Well that ain't like to happen anytime soon!"
He hid the blush on his cheeks. "No, not with me!"
Simon walked in. "Why is everyone shouting?"
"Doc, you know about this?" Mal snapped as he pointed to River.
"Yes of course. I'm very proud. I can't wait until it arrives. I take it you told them."
She opened her mouth, but Mal cut across her.
"Yeah she did! You approve?"
"Of course! Why wouldn't I?"
"'Cause of him!" he screamed as he pointed at Jayne.
"She couldn't have done it without him. Thanks."
He patted Jayne on the shoulder and calmly left the room.
"See? He's okay with it! Cool down!" Jayne spat.
He snarled. "Cool down? Cool down? You and her…" he couldn't finish he was so angry.
"What's got yer panties in a bunch? She was bound ta do that with someone sometime!"
"Captain I-" she said again.
"But with you?" he growled.
"Yeah with me. Face it, yer jus' jealous."
"I am not!"
"You are too!"
"I'm just protective is all!"
"Yeah right. You wish that it was yer kid she's havin'."
"It'd be better off than if it was yours!"
"TAKE THAT BACK!"
"I'M NOT PREGNANT!"
They both stopped and stared at her. "What?"
"I'm not pregnant," she repeated.
"Then what is it?" Mal asked.
"I'm getting my piloting license in nine months."
"How do I figure into that?" Jayne inquired.
"You told me where to apply without getting caught by the Feds."
Jayne snickered awkwardly. "I was just kiddin' about all that stuff."
"And I didn't sleep with you," she added. Mal failed to hide the smile that crossed his face.
"You didn't?" Jayne mumbled.
"No. You passed out before it got past necking."
Mal frowned. "You necked with him?"
"We were both a little tipsy, Captain, but I wouldn't…not with him."
It was Jayne's turn to frown. "Whadda ya mean, 'not with him'?"
"Not with you."
She moved past Jayne and then hovered by Mal. "Might be like to happen sometime soon," she whispered with a quick kiss on his cheek. He grinned.
She skipped away leaving Mal and Jayne to stare each other down.
"I'm still tossin' you outta the airlock," he commented.
"Why? She ain't pregnant."
"You still touched her. It's what you get for goin' after the captain's girl."
"She ain't your girl."
"Not yet she ain't…"
(Yin jue pian lu zi tun- dumb rude piece of a donkey's buttocks)