Don't Drop the Soap!

A yaoi about prison. There clearly are not enough of these! Hidan and Kakuzu are my favorite couple and Akatsuki is just fun to write about! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto nor any of the loverly characters I'm about to exploit!!!! *Mwah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!*


Chapter 1: Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

Hidan couldn't keep the smile off of his face.

Not when they dragged him out of his apartment and beat his skull in repeatedly. Not when he was thrown in a straightjacket and tossed into a padded cell. Not when they insulted him and called him names did he ever stop smiling. Not even now, when he was standing, still in the beige straightjacket, in front of a courtroom full of very angry looking men who were all looking at him as if he were about to try and eat his own feces. He corrects himself, one of the men is staring at him with something resembling interest written on his face. Hidan sticks his tongue out at this man.

The man laughs. Now Hidan looks over him more curiously as the other men argue and debate about things he couldn't care less about. The man looks normal. He is wearing a suit and tie like everyone else there, besides Hidan of course. This man looked even more normal then the rest actually. His brown hair was cut in the most boring way. His face was plain and there weren't really any distinguishing features. He looked about in his 40's, maybe late 30's. He was so plain and boring Hidan was thrown for a loop. The man suddenly looks like he made a decision and stands up, calling attention to himself.

The rest of the men look over at him as he begins speaking,

"I realize you have come to a verdict that what this man here did was wrong and that he should be put to death for his actions but... I would like to offer another option. My name is Seiji Yamada. I run a small, privately owned... prison of sorts. We only accept 'special' murderers in Kure-Ji-Kira and I believe Hidan may be just the kind of man we like. Would you please consider it?"

Another man stands up and says in a thoughtful voice,

"I've heard of your Kure-Ji-Kira somewhere before. You run... test on the prisoners there, don't you?"

Yamada smiles a conniving smile as he answers, "We are a group of scientists working very hard to come up with cures for various mental illnesses. We've found that many murderers often have these disorders and, because they are there against their will, they cannot complain if the tests are somewhat... out of the ordinary. But rest assured, we never do anything that is not state approved and every other part of Kure-Ji-Kira is exactly like any other high security prison."

The rest of the men in the room glance around at each other and mutter about what Mr. Yamada just said. After a few minutes, the old judge bangs the gavel to quiet the room and announces in a deathly grave voice,

"We have come to the conclusion that there is no good reason Kure-Ji-Kira should not take responsibility for this killer. In other words... If you want him, you can have him! Case closed."

Hidan is then forcibly taken to an armed truck that was waiting behind the courthouse and gets tossed unceremoniously in the back. As the door closes he gets one last glance at Yamada. He hadn't noticed back in the courtroom how downright evil and sadistic his pitch black eyes were. Maybe this man wasn't as boring as he looked.

Whatever the case, Hidan tries to situate himself in a more comfortable position, not knowing how long the ride will last, at least I'm not gonna die! Thank Jashin for that!

His smile spreads once more across his face at this thought.


Hidan had to admit, of all the times he'd been arrested, this was the strangest jail he had ever been too. He came to this conclusion the second he saw the building, after riding in the back of the van for approximately six hours.

It was clean and there was no outside to it at all. It had a lot of windows although they all looked very high. The building was both tall and wide and it towered over the empty fields surrounding it.

Kure-Ji-Kira continued to surprise Hidan as he went further inside it. The inside was even cleaner than the outside. He could tell it was not just your run of the mill state prison. They didn't take his mugshot at Kure-Ji-Kira, neither did they make him give a fingerprint or do a full body search on him. They did search him, made him remove all of his clothing but nothing near as invasive as he usually had. Hidan didn't find this suspicious at all. Then again, Hidan wasn't the brightest bulb in the pantry.

Hidan even liked the uniform he was given to wear. It wasn't orange nor was it black and white like prison jumpsuits usual are. It was straight black with a few randomly placed read clouds on it. Hidan found it almost flattering.

The only part of the prison so far that Hidan didn't enjoy was when he was placed in a white, empty room and told to wait. After a few minutes Mr. Yamada enters the room and sits down across from him. He only has a simple blue folder with him and he looks at Hidan as he opens it and pulls out a pen.

He looks up, his eyes shining as if it is christmas morning and Hidan is a huge pile of unopened presents, and says,

"Tell me about yourself, Hidan."

Hidan raises an eyebrow in amusement. "Why the fuck would you need to know about me?"

Yamada smiles. "You still don't understand what we do here, do you?"

"Guess 'not" Hidan answers.

"Well," Yamada begins. "We are obsessed with the insane here at Kure-Ji-Kira. And we believe there might be a small chance you may have some type of mental illness. I want to know about you to create a profile on you so I can study you and maybe, in the future, run a few simple tests to see if we can't fix whatever went wrong in your brain."

"Wait one Jashin damn minute!" Hidan yells, suddenly standing up, the chain connecting his wrists jangling. "Who the fuck are you tellin' me there's somethin' wrong with my brain! Asshole!"

"Hey, hey relax. You should really be thanking me. You would be dead, remember?"

Hidan scowls then settles back down in his seat. Yamada smiles again. "Are you ready to tell me about yourself now?"

"Wadda ya wanna know?" he grumbles.

"How about we start with this 'Jashin' you're always talking about?" Yamada asks, the tip of the pen placed on the paper gently.

"Are you mocking Jashin-sama!?" Hidan yells, his anger building again.

"No! no of course not. I would never dream of it... In fact I'm interested very much in how that all works. Please explain it to me. In detail."

Hidan looks at him suspiciously before starting at the beginning,

"Jashinism is a small religion even though we spend a lotta time tryin' to get new members. My dumbass parents were Jashinists but... they were not loyal enough. That's why they died. Punishment for their sins."

"How did they die?" Yamada asks.

"Car crash." Hidan answers quickly then continues telling his story,

"They were crappy ass Jashinists. They didn't kill enough and never tried converting others. I think they didn't even want anyone to know what they did. I knew they were wrong for not believing in our Lord enough. I was eight." Hidan says before Yamada even has a chance to ask. Hidan begins again in a bored voice.

"After they died a group of devout Jashinists watched me until I was fifteen. They always said I was the 'chosen one' or something because of, you know, my weird look."

"Let's talk about that for a moment. Your albinism." Yamada interrupts.

"...'k... Um... my mom and dad weren't. It was really fuckin' weird that I came out like this. I've always loved it though. Makes me look bitchin' cool! Everyone always thinks it would make me weak or some shit but I always surprise people."

"Interesting. Yes... I think it makes you look unique and... exotic." Yamada says. His eyes flashing dangerously. "Please go on. Deeper into the religion if you would?"

Hidan leans back in the chair then props his legs up on the table as he says,

"Jashin... Is the one true god. All the other gods can go fucking suck a cock!"

"And doesn't Lord Jashin care about all that vulgarity you use?" Yamada asks, slightly amused.

Hidan laughs. "Naw, he likes it. Curse words are like religious words for us Jashinsists. The only thing Jashin-sama really gives a damn about is the body. It has to be pure and pristine. No peircings, no tattoos, no sex-"

"Wait what?" Yamada asks, surprised. "You mean you... have never had sex? Ever?"

"Nope!" Hidan says happily. "I'm probably the cleanest person in this whole building!"

"Got that right..." Yamada mutters under his breath so low Hidan can't catch it. "Ok... so pure body, got it. Now... about the ceremony that landed you in here in the first place?" The look on Yamada's face tells Hidan they had gotten to the topic he was most anxious to talk about. "Apparently you were found in the middle of a field, painted head to toe with black and white body paint and a ton of blood on and around you with two dead bodies. You were chanting, laying on the ground in a circle. This ritual is called...?"

"Doesn't have a name. It's THE ritual though. The only one we ever do. We put on the traditional markings and murder non-believers, then hurt ourselves the same way we hurt the sacrifices. And the symbol isn't just a fuckin' circle! It's Lord Jashin's symbol!"

He reaches in his shirt and pulls out a chain. On the end of it is a small silver circle and inside the circle is an upside down triangle. Yamada nods and says,

"Ah yes... The guards did inform me that you refused to take that off through the entire procedure. Now I suppose I understand why. Did you know it is surprisingly similar to the alcoholics anonymous symbol?"

Hidan growls, "If one more fucking bastard person tells me that they are getting an ass-hat, I swear to Jashin!"

"Ok, ok." Yamada says before Hidan gets to angry. "Now I know about the ceremony. To kill the non-believers is the point, did I get that right?"

"No." Hidan answers, his sick smile sliding back onto his face. "The killin's justa bonus. We do it so Lord Jashin may some day bless us with the gift of... immortality."

"Immortality, you say?" Yamada asks curiously. Hidan doesn't notice just how curious he looks. His eyes shine and his ear perk up(metaphorically), waiting for Hidan's next explanation. "Has anyone ever received this blessing, do you know?"

"There are stories, I guess. About people who made the ultimate sacrifice for Lord Jashin and became the living dead. I never met any but... the Jashinists always thought I'd be the one who would finally reach our Lord and receive his love..."

"I see... One more question, then I think we are done..."

Hidan nods, glad to almost be finished with the stupid 'talk.' He stretches then listens for the final question.

"What is the ultimate sacrifice?" Yamada asks, leaning in, awaiting the answer with a baited breath.

Hidan relaxes. He thought it would be something hard.

"Immortality IS the ultimate sacrifice. Do you know how painful and boring and depressing it would be to live forever? You couldn't die if you tried. That... is the ultimate sacrifice."

"Then why would you want that!?" Yamada asks, perplexed.

"With it, comes Jashin-sams's infinite love and adoration. Plus, the stories say, once you reach that point... you can hear his voice."

Yamada is quiet for a moment then he breaks out into a smile.

"Sorry... it seems I got another answer without realizing it. But... That was all very interesting."

A guard comes in and holds Hidan's arm as Yamada gives him a strange look, as though he is something to eat and says,

"I think you will fit in around here splendidly. And I know your going to be helpful with our research."

He begins to walk away but the guard stops him by asking,

"Where should I put him Boss?"

Yamada turns around, looks Hidan up and down once then gets a mischevious twinkle in his eye as he says,

"How about Room 24-U?"

He and the guard exchange a dark chuckle which makes Hidan get a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he is led down a dark hallway roughly. The building looking, for the first time, like a real prison.

Who the hell could be in room 24-U? He wonders, not at all expecting what he finds when the door is opened and he is tossed inside.


There you have it! Chapter one! Hope you liked it! I have a feeling this is going to be my best story yet! Believe it!

I know there wasn't much yaoi in this one but trust me I will make up for it in the chapters to come!

What could possibly be in Room 24-U?!?!?! Keep reading to find out! XD

Review! erm... please? XD