Shattered Fragments and Broken Pieces
Summary: One never loves until they realize what they lost, and the other never loses until they realize what they love. (KxI.)
I never realized that I loved you until I lost you.
I never knew that I cared for you until it was too late.
I didn't know how to treat you because I didn't know how to react: you were different than anyone I had ever met before.
No one ever has had experience with someone who flies out of the blue and kisses you, boldly, not thinking of the consequences.
Did I ever tell you that you took my first kiss?
Surely I must have fallen in love with you the first day, but it wasn't the love I had expected. It wasn't the love that I wanted. Being young and naive, my concept of love was silly. My concept of love was that of a crush: some wonderful feeling, flying on air half of the time.
I don't know how I knew I was in love with you, but every time I think of it I can barely breathe. It wasn't until much later that I knew what I had fallen into, but it was too late then. You were gone and I was in love.
The love I have for you is a denied love, shoved and forced into the back of my mind. At the time, I thought that it couldn't possibly be love. How could love be something that felt as if you detested someone with a burning passion? But love never feels how you expect it, and that's what I learned from you.
Of all of the things I learned in my life, growing from the ditzy young girl to an intelligent woman, you taught me how to love. You taught me the most important thing I think I ever learned. You taught me that love was not always reciprocated, something that I harshly subjected you to on a daily basis. Not only that, but you taught me that love was an amazing thing because it varied so differently.
Your love for me was a sudden firestorm of madness, mostly passion and desire, and a love at first sight. My love for you was undiscovered and unsuspected, creeping up on me when I least expected it.
It's amazing how you could love me when I had rejected you countless times, insulted you and harmed you in every way I knew possible. And even then, and this is what shocks me to the core, you loved me freely. You loved as if I'd never hurt you, never caused you to tears. Your love was complete and wholly pure. You loved despite the fact that there was no one to love you back.
As for me, my love for you was ignored and unexpected. My love for you was so uncertain that it shook and cracked slightly every time I saw you, with every word that came out of your mouth and every action you made. At first, I wasn't sure that my love for you was even love. I never experienced love before, and I must have caused you pain. I could have destroyed you forever with how I acted.
I'm cruel and weak. I destroy what I love most.
Some people are the type of people who learn from mistakes. I happen to be one of those people. From my mistakes, I learned that I loved you and as much as I never wanted to admit it I had to. When I realized that I love you, I knew that I made a huge mistake that I could never fix.
For the first time in my life, something became clear. It became clear that I love you. So clear that it hurts and blinds me.
I'm in pain because you'll never know how much I love you. At times I just want to scream, "I'm alive! I'm here and I love you!" I wish that I could told you when I could. I always had the chance, and there were so many opportunities that I wasted.
You told me that you would always be there, but you lied. You're gone now and you took my heart with you.
Once upon a time, you told me that all that mattered to you was my happiness but now my happiness is ruined because you'll never know how much you mean to me.
Sometimes I wonder if you still love me, but I doubt it. With passion comes a sudden stop of affections and if I ever saw you again, somewhere, somehow, you would probably think of me no different than the next girl.
I wish that I could see you again. I wish that you could be here, and tell me that it's okay. But it's not okay. It's not okay because I can't ever have you and I never will. I had my chance and I lost it forever.
There's a hole in my heart and it grows every year; every year that goes by without a word, without a thought from you.
You're everywhere: in the blooming cherry blossom in the park, the pink wallpaper in my room and even in my mother's cooking. I can't figure out why the tiniest things remind me of you, but each thing pierces me like a knife. Each stab hurts as if it's the first cut, and each cut never heals.
Even thought life had moved on, I haven't. I'm still the same girl that I was after I met you, but I'm not the same. I'm not the same because you're gone and I love you.
I'm permanently in love with you. Permanently, deeply, completely, irrevocably, unbelievably in love with you.
And you'll never know.
Sometimes I think of you. It's usually late at night when I can't sleep and I'm thinking about what could have been.
If is a funny word, because it changes everything.
If I had realized that I loved you, I wouldn't be here and I would have you. Right now. At this very instance.
If I could have started over I would have realized that love was you.
You were love.
I miss your kisses. I miss fighting with you. I miss becoming annoyed when you popped out from behind me and my heart beating so wildly that I thought it was going to break. I miss going against you in battle. I even miss your stupid, flirtatious little comments. I miss you.
I need you like I need oxygen. I'm suffocating, having taken you for granted, and it's hard to live.
But you can't save me now, can you?
I know that I will never see you again, but I hope that I can. I want to tell you how I feel and that I love you, that I always have, and how I want to start over again.
I never thought that I would break down because of you, never thought that I would ever care for you so much that it would make me cry. My one reoccurring thought is this, the refrain forever engraved in my mind: "Maybe you're gone because you realized that I don't deserve you."
Now I'm here, lying on the floor without you, and wondering why I never gave you a chance until it was a few minutes to midnight and a few years too late.
And now, my fifth fic is posted. :] Again, I'm trying something different by writing in Ichigo's POV (in the future, of course...) Y'know me and experimenting.
If anyone didn't notice, this is not finished! I've planned another part to this. I hope you liked this.
Ahh, today (June 30th) is my birthday! I'm uber excited, some stuff is planned tonight, and decided to post this before I went out. :] I'm planning on posting the next part sometime later in the week depending on when I have time, so stayed tuned!
Thanks for reading and reviewing!
'Til Next Time!