Fully Caffeinated Alchemist
By: Sage SK Started:
June 30, 2009
Finished: June 30, 2009
Warnings: None

Notes: This was supposed to be a drabble, but it just expanded. It was inspired after watching a certain scene in FMA:B's episode 13. I really want to know what Ed was on.

Many thanks to my buddy Kristen Sharpe for helping me with this nonsense!

FullMetal Alchemist/Brotherhood belongs to Hiromu Arakawa.

"The bottom line is that Scar's disappeared. No sign, no trace. For all we know, he could strike at any time."

Roy Mustang's brows furrowed as he listened to Jean Havoc's report, chin resting against his crossed hands. Tireless efforts to find Scar, working on the investigation to find Hughes' killer, looking into the whole homunculi business... it all jumbled itself into a series of tasks the young colonel was struggling to juggle. He leaned back and rubbed at the raven bangs covering his eyes.

"I suppose we have no choice but to keep looking."

"Yes, sir."

Mustang merely nodded, then eyed Havoc. Something had been different about him when he'd first entered the office, but he hadn't been able to put his finger on it. Then, he noticed it.

"Are you chewing gum, Havoc?"

Havoc managed a nervous grin. "Just... decided to try to quit smoking."

Mustang arched a brow. "Cold turkey?"

"Sort of."

Whatever the reason, Mustang didn't buy it. He then remembered the day before when a tired Fullmetal was literally carried into headquarters by his younger brother to find a place to rest. There was a certain glare in the young alchemist's eyes. He was exhausted, yes, but he was angry enough to throw himself into a fight in a heartbeat, despite his injuries.

"You weren't smoking around Fullmetal when he was brought in yesterday, were you?"

"I don't even know why it bothered him all of a sudden!" Havoc cried, suddenly defensive. "He just blamed ME for stunting his growth every time I was around him! I mean, I KNOW that smoking isn't good for growing children, but....!"

"He knocked the stupid out of you, didn't he?"

"It took myself, Fuery and Falman to hold him down," interjected Heymans Breda from his seat in the corner. "And, he was still thrashing. If he's that lethal when he's tired, I'd hate to think what he'd be like fully awake."

"Meaning?" Mustang queried, mildly confused.

"Let's just say I'm glad you made it clear that we were not to offer him coffee," Breda returned nonchalantly.

The others didn't see it, but there was the faint gleam of an idea gathering within the confines of the colonel's mind.

Edward Elric was sore all over. He didn't exactly remember what had happened the day before. He had been in a lot of pain. He was still angry over coming to another dead end regarding the Philosopher's Stone. He did, however, recall trying to rip off Havoc's head for... what was the reason again? Either way, he did owe him an apology. Havoc wasn't at fault for his idiotic superior's commands, after all.

He headed straight for the first place he knew Havoc would be. Upon entering the colonel's office, he saw no one other than the colonel himself. Great.

"Hey, B...."

"Welcome back, Fullmetal." Mustang interrupted. "I take it you had yet another unsuccessful trip?"

"You would know." Edward sank into the couch with a wince. "I had to bust a few skulls and even that didn't help matters any."

"Of course."

"Where's Havoc? I need to talk to him."

"Day off," returned Mustang. "He requested it after yesterday's... incident."

Edward hung his head. "I wanted to apologize."

"Well, if that doesn't kick him off that disgusting habit, nothing will." Mustang smirked. "You look tired, Fullmetal. Have you been sleeping well?"

The young alchemist frowned. "What's that?"

"You don't look like you've slept at all."

Edward certainly didn't feel tired. Did he really look that bad?

"Why don't you go and get yourself some coffee? There's a new coffee shop that opened just down the street. I heard the chocolate covered coffee beans are pretty good. Why don't you get one of those new energy drinks that came out as well?"

"What are you getting at?" Edward asked, suddenly suspicious.

"I need everybody here alert, Fullmetal, including you. That's an order."

With a sigh, Edward stood up. "Fine. If it'll get you to shut up." With that, he was gone.

"Is that wise?" Riza Hawkeye had been quiet throughout the whole conversation. "Won't coffee stunt his growth?"

"What else is there to stunt?" Mustang returned. "Besides, there should be enough caffeine in what he ingests to accelerate anything, including Fullmetal's growth. We just have to be sure that he doesn't drink it until he's outside the building, just in case there's any property damage we don't want traced back to us."

Hawkeye sighed. "I don't know if to call you cruel, or brilliant."

A frightened Kain Fuery ran into the colonel's office a few days later, gasping for breath as he managed, "The city! The Fullmetal Boss! He's gone...!"

"We know," Mustang returned, as he stood looking out the window with the others following his gaze. Outside, various explosions went off at once, some of them simultaneous, others with a few minutes in between.

"How much coffee did you say he consumed again?" asked Breda.

"Today? Last I checked, two straight black coffees, five bags of chocolate covered coffee beans, a straight espresso, and three cans of that new Xingese energy drink," said Havoc, as he lit another cigarette.

Fuery now peeked outside the window, watching another building being leveled to the ground.

"It seems somewhat unethical to continue to drug Edward and use him as your personal weapon." Hawkeye turned to the colonel. "He's going to be busy rebuilding all the damage."

"Let him vent. He enjoys it," said Mustang. "Besides, it's not my fault the homunculi run in terror every time they see him."

"He does get a weird twitch in his eye when he's charging after them," muttered Breda. "Especially when he laughs."

Fuery cringed as the windows vibrated. "I-if we're lucky, he'll eventually burn out."

"In about a week," added Havoc.

Mustang merely smirked. Now he wished he'd thought of this when Fullmetal was twelve. He could only imagine harnessing all the angst and fury a twelve year old could muster combined with that much caffeine. He could have staged a coup and made himself Fuhrer if he'd just pointed him in the right direction.