Title: Decaffeinated Homunculus
Author: Sage SK
Date Started: 05/02/11
Date Finished: 05/03/11
Comments: So this is in response to a couple of comments where readers wanted to see a Caffeinated!Ed vs. Envy fight/fic. I have no idea what it is they put in the coffee in FMA-verse, but I hope it's not as potent as whatever it was I inhaled when I wrote this fic. When I'm laughing to myself at a (thankfully empty) bus stop at 9:45 at night while writing a certain scene, then there was clearly something in the Pepsi that I drank earlier.
Oh, and blame Kristen Sharpe (my awesome beta) for some of this, too, okay? I think she got into my stash at some point.
"Please let me kill him!"
The plea rang on deaf ears, their owner boredly gazing back at the homunculus in front of him.
"He's insane!" continued Envy, an arm extended towards the surface. "I don't know what the military did, but he's gone completely crazy! He's talking nonstop, he's... Look, he killed me five times, and four of them by hugging me!"
"You know fully well that you can't hurt him. He's a vital sacrifice," returned Father, his chin resting against a hand.
"We can get other sacrifices," insisted Envy. "Some who don't insist on calling me their bosom buddy and hugging the life out of me!"
"So don't turn into small animals. And, furthermore, don't hurt him. That's final." The bored, yet stern glare that was turned towards him told Envy that he'd lost the argument once again.
The fact of the matter was that Envy had been skulking on the trail of a clue leading to the Ishvalan, Scar's, whereabouts. How the pipsqueak had found him was beyond him. It was as if the brat had gotten this sudden accelerated sense to detect homunculi. Several attempts to stop the crazed alchemist resulted in the loss of limbs, and the loss of limbs resulted in his turning back into his parasitic form.
"How humiliating," he grumbled. "I hate that little..."
"Who're you callin' little when you've got no room to talk!" Envy barely managed a squeak when he was yanked up by the tail. "Look at 'im, Al! Isn't this hysterical?"
Envy almost couldn't make out what the pipsqueak was saying. It was as though he were speaking a mile a minute, sentences running together without him stopping for breath. To make matters stranger, Edward Elric was shaking... or twitching? Or both? And, a huge, crazed grin consumed his entire face. To Envy, it was probably one of the most frightening things he'd ever seen. "I could use him as a key chain!"
With that, he proceeded to swing a protesting Envy around in one hand as he walked - or skipped, Envy couldn't really tell - back to his brother.
The armor that housed the soul of Alphonse Elric held up its hands. "Please, Brother, calm down. I know we had to catch a homunculus like the Colonel mentioned, but..."
"You're right, Al! Here, hold this!"
As Ed dropped a now dizzy Envy into Al's hands and took off down the block, the homunculus looked up at the suit of armor.
"What the heck is his problem? I knew the pipsqueak was nuts, but..."
"He's under a lot of stress," Al managed.
Envy gave him a dry look. "If that's stress, I'd hate to think how reacts when he's really ticked off."
He barely finished that sentence when the pipsqueak returned with what appeared to be a corked glass container as big as his head.
"TERRARIUM!" Ed shouted triumphantly, holding the container over his head like it held all the secrets of the universe.
"What?" said Al.
"Terrarium!" Ed repeated. "I'd like to see him get out of this one!" With that, he snatched Envy out of Al's hands and tossed him into the container, the cork following as he sealed the homunculus inside.
As much as he would have wanted to test the pipsqueak's theory, Envy was too exhausted to transform. He needed some time to recuperate. This, of course, wouldn't happen for some time as his "stressed" captor proceeded to shake the terrarium gleefully.
"Listen to that!" Ed cackled. "It sounds like a maraca! Which is perfect! Let's join a band, Al! I'm sure there's plenty of bands that need a maraca and back up cymbal!"
"Brother, we need to report to the Colonel," Al reminded gently.
"Right! The colonel! Let's go, Al! You think he'd wanna join our band, too?"
Al could only sigh as he followed his brother back to Central Command.
"Sir, there seems to be a problem with your 'secret weapon'."
Roy Mustang didn't want to hear about problems. Bad enough that there was a pile of them sitting on his desk in paper form; he didn't want to know what was in pieces or about to go up in smoke in Central. Furthermore, he didn't want to hear the words "Fullmetal" and "destruction" in the same sentence.
Still, considering the look his faithful lieutenant was giving him, he took the bait.
Riza Hawkeye riffled through the manila folder in her hands. "There was another altercation with one of the homunculi near Central Park. The Fullmetal Alchemist intercepted."
With a cringe and a deep breath, Roy managed, "Go on."
"Bear in mind, Sir, that he did have the coffee you ordered him to consume before going on this mission."
Ah, there was the headache. Right on schedule. Once again, Roy said, "Go on."
As Hawkeye continued her briefing on the damage caused, Roy ignored - or rather, didn't notice - the other members of his team staring out the window in open mouthed shock until Jean Havoc muttered, "Should we tell him...?" He was about to ask what they were looking at when all six members of the Colonel Mustang unit jumped a mile upon the door being kicked open.
"HEEEEEEEEEY COLONEL CRAP! WE'RE BACK!"
A beaming Edward Elric strode into the office, a glass container under an arm as his younger brother followed slowly.
Finding his voice, Roy started to say, "Fullmetal, have you any..."
"Before you say anything!" With that, Ed slammed the terrarium containing Envy on a shocked Mustang's desk. "One homunculus! And, you wouldn't believe how we caught him!" Ed proceeded to tell his story... or rather give a verbal 'report' of his mission. The 'report' turned into a collection of mad ramblings that constituted of run-on sentences and wild gestures. Ed was speaking so fast that the soldiers in the room could barely make out what he was saying. By the time he'd finished his oral report, Ed had literally climbed onto the desk and jabbed a finger straight into the air as he proclaimed, "...and that's why I'm awesome!"
The members of Roy's unit save for Hawkeye were against the wall, all of them afraid to speak. Hawkeye stood by Roy, eyes wide, while Roy had literally sunk into his seat, fingers digging into the armrests.
"Thank you and good night!" That was the last thing Ed said as he turned to walk off the desk and landed face first on the floor.
As Al rushed to check on Ed, Roy slowly got out of his seat and peered over the desk. He was about to ask if Ed was still breathing when a loud snore emitting from the blond boy answered his question.
"Alphonse, how much coffee did Edward drink this morning?" asked Riza.
With a sigh, Al replied, "I lost count."
Hand to his face, Roy turned his attention to Al. "That's it. He's cut off. Add milk to it next time he goes for a cup. It'll stop him before it becomes an addiction."
With a nod, Al collected Ed into his arms. "I'll take him back to the hotel. Um... about the homunculus..."
"We'll discuss this thing when Fullmetal's more alert. Leave it here for now."
"Thank you, Colonel."
As Alphonse left, Roy caught the looks he was getting from his unit. "Yes, it was a stupid idea. No, it won't happen again. Yes, I'm fully aware that he'll have a caffeine hangover that'll make him a lot more obnoxious than what he usually is. Anything else?"
As he slowly pushed himself away from the wall, Vato Falman took in a deep breath. "When do you wish to go do damage control, Sir?"
Roy arched a brow. "Damage control? From what I got out of Fullmetal's report, there's no need for..."
"Not that, Sir," said Heymans Breda.
"Then what on earth is it?"
"Well...," squeaked Kain Fuery.
In a heart beat, all four men pointed out the window.
Roy honestly wasn't sure how to react to what he was seeing. Setting aside anger and the urge to strangle Fullmetal and set him on fire, he gawked at the giant statue pointing towards Central Command, directly at his window, that stretched higher than the tallest building in the city.
Envy, however, wasted no time. With a loud cackle, despite his imprisonment, he stated the obvious. "Wow! I knew the runt had a thing for practical jokes, but that's priceless!"
No one in the room dared to laugh, but the urge was overwhelming. After all, a detailed statue of Roy Mustang in a miniskirt... well, no one saw that every day.
And, Envy could have laughed more if Roy hadn't grabbed the terrarium from his desk and took his anger out on the homunculus. As he was shaken with all the fury the colonel could muster, Envy came to the conclusion that caffeinated brats and colonels that couldn't take a joke were hard to get along with.