I decided to unanon one of my submissions to the OP fanforall over at Live Journal. As such, 'tis dedicated to the original requester. It wasn't exactly what they asked for, but I probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing it without their prompt! (It was one of those back burner ideas that I kept ignoring...) As far as I can tell, this bit of silliness is more or less spoiler free and harmless.

Magic Hands OR Sanji Has a Dirty Mind

Sanji glanced down at the cupboard knob in his right hand. He hadn't even pulled all that hard! At any rate, while dinner was marinating, he hoped to have Usopp repair it for him. For all that the marksman said he wasn't their handyman, everyone knew he took joy in the upkeep of the Going Merry.

Usopp could usually be found up on deck, causing havoc with Luffy and Chopper; but, today, Sanji had been unable to locate him. The cook supposed that he was probably below deck, working on one of his "projects."

Sanji was about to lift the hatch and descend to the boys' room when he was stopped in his tracks by a most unusual sound. It was halfway between a hiss and a moan, and it was definitely Usopp.

"What is he doing in there?" Sanji wondered. He didn't want to walk in on any "special alone time." Then, he heard another voice.

"Usopp, I told you to relax! This is only going to hurt if you stay so tense..."

Usopp and Zoro? Sanji's cigarette dropped from his gaping mouth. He hurriedly ground it out with his shoe.

"I'm sorry, Zoro. I've never done this sort of thing before! It's a little weird for me."

"Look, I know what I'm doing, okay?"

"I know, but you're really strong, and-"

"There's a thing called self-control, long nose. I have it." Sanji could hear the eye-roll that accompanied that statement. Why was he still here listening?

"Look, I'm not going any further, if you can't calm down."

"No, wait! I can do this! Besides, Nami said you have amazing hands."

Sanji felt something break in his brain. Zoro and his Nami-swan, too? It couldn't be! There was a pause in the room below, as well.

"She actually complimented me?"

"Uh huh. Is it true she offered to pay you?"

"Well, she offered to lower my interest. I told her it felt wrong for a nakama to pay me for something like this." There were sounds of someone moving around. "Sit up. We'll try something a little different." More rustling.

For some reason, Sanji was still ignoring the little voice in the back of his mind that was telling him to, "Back away! Now!"

Usopp made that hiss/moan sound again.

"Watch it! That's the shoulder that-"

"I know." Usopp had recently strained a few muscles. "I talked to Chopper. He said this was fine, as long as we were careful and you took it easy afterward."

Chopper!? Was everyone in on these goings on but him?

"Now, relax."

Sanji couldn't help himself, he leaned forward, ears straining. There was no longer any hissing, but there were definitely moans.

"Right there!" Usopp gasped.

"Here?" It must have been, judging from Usopp's response.

Sanji leaned a little too far forward and face-planted on the hatch with a thunk.

"Is somebody up there?" Usopp didn't seem the least bit concerned.

"Hovering in doorways is rude." Like Zoro really knew anything about manners! "Come on in, or go away."

Sanji meant to retreat. He really did. Instead, he found himself climbing down the mast. Usopp was topless, but Zoro was fully clothed and giving him a shoulder rub.


The knob dug into his right palm, and Sanji clung to the explanation. He held the small item out in front of himself.

"This knob broke!" If his voice was a little awkwardly loud, no one said anything.

Usopp made a disgruntled noise, then stood up and stretched.

"Thanks, Zoro! I feel great! Those hands are pure magic." He took the knob from Sanji and left.

"Any time," Zoro called after him.

The swordsman and the chef stood and looked at each other.

"What?" Zoro finally snapped.

"Do you do feet?"