A Fullmetal Crack-fic! by BandGeek99 and, mostly, by NoCirclesNeeded (who's just plain awesome)
This was written by two sugar-hyped fangirls after an intense night of watching a FMA marathon on my big screen TV.
I rest my case.
NoCirclesNeeded: OMFG WE'VE DONE IT!! BY JOVE, ITS ACTUALLY FINISHED!!
BandGeek99: And now… for us to bring our creation to life! Half Fruits Basket, HALF FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!!!
Depthmon: …You're scaring me, BandGeek.
The Deimon Commander From Hell: *whips out sniper rifle* POSSESED!! DEMONS, ARUYO!!
NCN and BG: AAAAAH!!
Disclaimer: This is purely fanmade and has nothing to do with the voice actors, series mentioned, or the characters (though BG wishes she owned Edward Elric, this is beside the point).
This is not intended for children under 13, nor is it recommended for the emotionally unstable (like the authors themselves).
We now have grasped the meaning of the word "crack-fic".
(During Episodes 19/20 (correct us if we're wrong) when Alphonse is fighting with Barry the Chopper's soul embedded into another suit of armor, codename: 66.)
Barry: You don't know where my blood—Wait a second. What the hell am I saying?
Al: I don't know! Wait, what am I saying?!
*Kyo and Young Akito burst out of Barry/No. 66 and Alphonse's armor (respectively).*
Barry and Al: ZOMG!! PEOPLE!!
Kyo: Argh, what the hell is this supposed to be?! Some kind of trip with Lucy and diamonds in the sky or something? *growls in frustration*
Akito: You got that quote wrong, stupid, worthless cat. Besides, how in the name of God am I supposed to know anything like that?
Al: *trembles in fear, then, to Akito* You… you have my voice… *gulps*
Akito: *eyes Al in disgust* Your voice? Urgh. You're horrid. Just a suit of armor, its absolutely disgusting.
Barry: But, this doesn't make any sense! Where on Earth did you two come from?!
Kyo: I was hoping you could tell us that, because, obviously, we're not from around here.
*Kyo and Barry have a typical scream fest at each other, finding something to insult, while Akito looks on in mild amusement and Al watches fearfully.*
Akito: THAT'S ENOUGH! BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!!
Al: We need to find out what's happening to us so that we can---
*Suddenly, the wall of Lab 5 explodes and a boy with purple hair stumbles out and nearly falls on top of Kyo, who catches him.*
Kyo: *screams and drops Yuki instantly* WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE, YA DAMN RAT?!
Yuki: *holds out hands, revealing two transmutation circles on his palms* If only I knew! *puff of smoke appears*
*There is a collective scream.*
All: WHAT THE HELL?!
*All Hell proceeds to break loose. Yuki begins running around, Barry and Kyo resume their scream fest, and Akito and Al continue to give each other shifty glances from within the chaos. Suddenly…*
Voice: Uh… guys?
*All freeze to see Tohru standing in the hole that Yuki had previously made in the wall, her shirt open and the ouroboros tattooed onto her chest. Her boobs are now huge.*
Tohru: What am I doing here?! Kyo-kun, Yuki-kun, what's happening?!
Kyo and Yuki: *droolage* Uh… Whaaaa?
Ayame and Haru: GUYS GUYS GUYS!!
*All turn to see Ayame and Haru charging towards them. Ayame is now extremely buff with pink sparkles and Haru is blonde with boyish good looks.*
Haru: Guys, what the hell is happening here?!
Ayame: Oh, well, I just woke up looking like this. I don't terribly mind the sparkles, but… What is with my horrendous physique? I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!! My dresses… They won't fit… *blows nose on long, silvery hair*
Tohru: Oh, Haru, Ayame! *runs over, glomp attacks them* You poor things! *proceeds to hug them tighter. Haru is caught right in the center of her chest, cushioning his head*
Haru: This is niiiice… *sighs dreamily*
Kyo: Why, I oughta…!! IMA POUND YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!
A fight: *ensues*
Al: But… guys! Don't hurt yourselves!
Tohru: *has a spazz moment* Haru… Kyo… OH GAWD WHAT DO I DO?!
*Suddenly, a short but sexy figure with long golden hair and a snappy red jacket appears at the scene through the hole that Yuki and Tohru had previously exited from. He's immediately horrified.*
Edward Elric: What the--?!
*Then, he claps his hands together, pounds them to the ground. Electric blue lighting suddenly flashes through the air during the transmutatic reaction from which a massive, ominous gate appears before them all.*
Edward Elric: *screams in terror, shoves all the newcomers into the Gate, shuts it up again, and hightails it from the scene, completely forgetting that Scar is after him. He hears his brother from beyond the beyond.*
Al from Beyond the Beyond: Nii-san!!
Ed: NO!! AL!! STOP TALKING TO ME! I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU! YOU'RE NOT HIM!!
Scar: *jumps out of nowhere, grabs Ed's head and in a flash of red energy, Ed's head explodes from the inside, splattering Scar with blood. He smirks, grips his arm, and says* That's how it's done in the big leagues, kid. *walks away like nothing happened, leaving Ed's corpse in the middle of the street.*
Al: *crumples over Ed's body* Nii-san!! Nooooo!! *weeps (or, that is, would weep if he could) over his brother's body*
Winry: Well. Since he's dead… Guess my dreams of that happening are dead. *turns to Sciezka* Wanna shack up?
And so the beloved tradition of crack-fics is continued!!
Notes on characters (because this was held together by voice actors):
Barry the Chopper and Kyo: Jerry Jewell (who's butt-ugly but is awesome anyway)
Zolf J. Kimblee and Yuki: Eric Vale (the creepist)
Lust and Tohru: Laura Bailey (better as Lust than as Tohru or Oboro *shivers*)
Alphonse and young Akito: Aaron Desmuke (Most incredible child voice actor. Ever.)
Alex Louis Armstrong and Ayame: Christopher R. Sabat (who is downright AMAZING!! AND is NoCirclesNeeded's idol.)
Russell Tringham and Haru: Justin Cook (again, AMAZING!!)
Edward Elric: the one-and-only Vic Mognogna (BandGeek: my freaking IDOL!!)
Anyway, thank you for reading. Please, leave your comments in the lovely review box on your way out.
This was completed at 4:10 AM in about 20 minutes by 2 rampant teenage girls. Don't judge us.