Behind the Scenes
Pairings: GaaNaru, GaaLee, OroSasu, OroSasuKaku, implied ShikaTema, Kisame/Sasuke (… sort of), CrazyMaster!Deidara/Slave!Tobi, Deidara/Lamp.
Warnings: Severe, crippling crack. Adult themes (implications of sexual situations and drug abuse). Swearing. OOC-ness to the absolute MAX. Yaoi (NOT explicit).
Word Count: 1, 674
Disclaimer: Please see my Profile for details.
A/N: Dude, you SO don't even want to know.
ONCE UPON A TIME!
It was a peaceful Sunday morning, and the members of the Akatsuki were taking advantage of this peace in various ways. Zetsu was sunbathing, Deidara and Tobi were mysteriously absent, Kisame was doing … fishy things, and Itachi was painting his nails.
YOU KNOW WHO, however, broke the peace. (No, not Voldemort)
The door to Itachi's room crashed open. Sasuke stood on the threshold, finger pointed at Itachi accusingly. Itachi looked up at him, momentarily pausing from painting his nails.
"ITACHI! I've come to … to … dammit!" Sasuke glanced hurriedly at the script in his hands. "Oh, yeah. KILL YOU!"
Itachi rolled his eyes and, in a classic Valley Girl voice, demanded, "Like, oh my God, how did you get in here?"
"It's in the script!" Sasuke said proudly, smashing said script against Itachi's face until he snatched it.
Itachi raised one eyebrow and read aloud: "'Sasuke seduces Kisame and allows him to screw him to the ground.' As if! Are we, like, in some sort of fucked-up fanfiction, or are we trying to shoot the next episode of Naruto?"
Suddenly, Kisame appeared in the doorway behind Sasuke, chest puffed up to make him look more intimidating.
"SASUKE!" There was a momentary pause as he deflated, all his impressiveness forced in that one word. He whined, "You didn't let me screw you to the ground!
Itachi, who had gone back to painting his nails, reacted before Sasuke could. "Oh … my God. Kisame, you are, like, such a fag. You need to just leave," He paused for a moment to flip his hair out of his face. "Ah, my hair is so perfect. Anyways, you seriously need to just, like, leave. This is a NO FAG ZONE." He blew on his nails delicately.
Kisame huffed, "You're the gayest one here!" before flouncing out.
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Okay, whatever. ITACHI! I'VE COME TO KILL YOU! … Wait, can I do that again?"
Some random camera guy called, "Why? It was the first line from the script that was said correctly!"
Sasuke squirmed. "Yeah, but I just wasn't feeling the line, you know?"
Some random camera guy never got to answer, because Naruto burst in (through the WALL on the other side of the set instead of the DOOR) in nothing but a bright orange speedo and a fuzzy robe that was untied and flapping around him.
"WHO TOOK MY LATTE?" he screamed hysterically, wild eyed and panting.
Gaara, who was curled up in the corner with a steaming mug, froze. Eyes wide, he threw the cup behind him, causing it to hit Kisame (who began running in circles bawling loudly at the hot coffee that now covered his head and the shards of glass that pierced him in random body parts).
Ignoring Kisame, as everyone else was, Gaara sauntered onstage and said brightly, "Heeey, Naruto-kuuun! Why don't we go look for your coffee in my trailer!" Gaara paused, and then added (in a way that seemed to imply that it had anything to do with the conversation), "I have handcuffs!"
Itachi and Sasuke looked at each other in horror, their jaws dropping open simultaneously.
Naruto, a blonde all the way down to his happy trail, said doubtfully, "Okay, if you think it's in there."
They left, Naruto still unhappy due to his lack of coffee, Gaara skipping and whistling.
There were no sounds throughout the studio for five minutes (except for a brief, thirty second interval where Rock Lee crashed through a window near the ceiling, flipped once while yelling, "THE SPRIIINGTIME OF YOOOOUUUUTTHHH!!!!" then crashed through another window).
Then there was a muffled yell of, "OH GOD!"
Itachi rolled his eyes. "WHAT-ever."
AT GAARA'S TRAILER!
Kakashi opened the door to Gaara's trailer, uncaringly cheerful. "Hey, Gaara, I found that jackhammer you wan-WHOA!"
Gaara was handcuffed to his bed, with Naruto straddling his hips. Naruto still wore his robe, which covered their lower halves in such a way that Kakashi couldn't tell if they were fully naked or not.
Gaara, whose eyes were darting back and forth, said rigidly, "Oh-my-God, I-handcuffed-myself-to-my-bed!"
Naruto, who was also looking shifty, said in the same tone of voice, "And I'm … trying to help him … get them off?"
"There's some sort of 'getting off' being done here, that's for sure," Kakashi observed.
"And-the-fact-that-the-sheets-are-wet-have-nothing-to-do-with-Deidara-and-Tobi." Gaara added.
Kakashi just whipped out a camera and started snapping pictures. Jiraiya (and the tabloids!) would die for these kinds of shots.
"Tobi, you're a good boy." Deidara said contentedly.
Tobi just blinked. "Uh, I told you, outside of the show, you don't have to call me Tobi, my name is-"
"YO NAME IS TOBI!" Deidara shouted, bitchslapping him.
Tobi started crying, managing to sob out, "Tobi is a good boy! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"
Deidara steepled his fingertips (like Mr. Burns!) and said evilly, "Yes you are, Tobi. Yeeessss yooouuuu aaaarrrreee …"
While Kakashi was snapping pictures, Temari sauntered in. She took one look at the proceedings, froze, and promptly said, "This is so disturbing on so many levels."
Shikamaru, who was sitting in the corner of the trailer, replied, "Tell me about it. I've been waiting for you for the past three hours."
Kakashi eyebrows rose as he stopped snapping pictures to give Shikamaru an incredulous look. "Why are you waiting for Temari in Gaara's trailer?"
Temari was the one who answered. "Well, my mom gets suspicious if my trailer starts to smell funny. She doesn't even GO in Gaara's trailer anymore."
Rising slowly, Shikamaru walked up to Kakashi and demanded, "Kakashi, hit me."
"Because I need to forget the past three hours, duh!"
"Dude, if you need to forget something, I've got some drugs – I mean, "'happy cigarettes'"
Shikamaru just sighed, "How troublesome. I just quit!"
Temari was aghast. "What! Dude, you PROMISED you'd get me some! Like, SUPER promised!"
"I know, but I'm in this program … the first step is acceptance … the second is that I have to apologize to everyone … so Naruto, I'm sorry."
Naruto, who was still on top of Gaara, asked, "What are you apologizing to me for?"
"Well this one time … when we were at band camp … I (censored for drug images!)"
"You spiked my WHAT?"
"Yeah … sorry about that. Well, to get my mind off the horrifying images of the LAST THREE HOURS, I'm gonna go apologize to the clouds."
Temari pouted, "They better be DRUG clouds, you liar-liar-pants-on-fire." She followed Shikamaru out dejectedly (dragging a protesting Kakashi out with her) and slammed the door behind her.
Leaving Gaara and Naruto alone.
Naruto sighed. "They really killed my buzz, man. I'll see you later." He left the trailer, leaving Gaara handcuffed to the bed.
Gaara whimpered. "Naruto?"
A little while later, Lee kicked open the door to Gaara's room. "HEY, my hometown buffet! You wanna-" He cut himself off.
Gaara tugged at his handcuffs and looked at Lee pleadingly.
Lee smacked a hand over his eyes and mutters, "Must … resist … temptation. Must … resist … temptation."
Gaara whimpered, "Lee? Please?"
Lee threw down his hands in defeat and began walking towards the bed, unzipping his jumpsuit. "Well, there goes my damn willpower!"
AT OROCHIMARU'S HOUSE!
Orochimaru was enjoying the new Icha Icha Paradise he stole from Kakashi when the fucker was stoned (oh wait, he ALWAYS IS), when he heard the sounds of Sasuke coming home.
There were loud sobs and a mournful wail, which always signified his return.
So he was prepared when Sasuke ran into the room and threw himself on the ground dramatically.
"Aw, what's wrong, container-suke?"
Sasuke sniffled, "They … were really mean to me today!"
"Aw, did they flick you're forehead?"
"No! Th-They said … they said …" Like flipping a switch, Sasuke stopped crying instantly, "What DID they say?" He pulled out his script and began thumbing through it.
Orochimaru waited patiently.
Annoyed, he tossed the script over his shoulder and got to his feet. "I don't know WHAT they said, but it was REALLY MEAN!" He stomped his foot.
"Aw, do you want me to molest them with my tongue?" Orochimaru recreated his whole licking-his-lips-with-his-abnormally-long-tongue-while-hissing thing he did in the Chunin exams.
Sasuke shook his head.
"Do YOU want to be molested?"
"Okay, come here."
Five minutes later, Kabuto entered the room, wearing a pretty pink dress and an apron, and carrying a plate of cookies, but stopped short when he saw what was going on.
"Who wants cookies? … Oh."
He then proceeded to whip out a camera, one-handed, and started snapping pictures.
"Aw, does Mom want to join in?"
Kabuto stopped snapping pictures, shrugged, and dropped everything.
"Sure, why not?"
Deidara was sitting quietly in his room, thinking about what horrible things he'd do to Tobi next, when suddently, Sasori was there!
Needless to say, this scared the CRAP out of him, and he managed to shriek, fall off the bed, and point an accusing finger at Sasori simultaneously.
"SASORI? You're dead!"
He just shrugged. "I came back to life."
"You can't do that."
Sasori's eyes twitched and he shouted, "Jesus did it, Gaara did it, ASUMA did it, I will NOT be held back!"
Deidara cocked his head. "Asuma didn't come back."
Sasori froze, then scoffed, one hand on his hip while the other waved indifferently, "Oh details, details! Focus on the IMPORTANT part, minion – ME!"
Just then, Tobi shuffled in sheepishly.
"Er, Si-DEIDARA, I had a bad dream."
"Can't you see I'm talking to Sasori?" Deidara demanded, gesturing wildly.
"But … that's a lamp."
Deidara whirled around and looked closely at "Sasori." Indeed, he was actually a lamp.
"DAMN IT!" Deidara shouted, before dissolving into tears. "He left me agaaaaiiiinn!"
Tobi rolled his eyes and left Deidara to go find Kisame, who was probably still in intensive care from getting burned with a latte and stabbed with shards of glass.
It would help remind him that some people WERE more pathetic than he was.
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER! THE END!
A/N: My transitions = win. And you know it.
(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)