The Three Little Piggs
A Modern Faerie Tale
Once upon a time, there were three porcine brothers, interestingly enough, surnamed Pigg. There was Rush Pigg, a wildly popular talk show host, Barclay Pigg, a stockbroker, and Joe Pigg, a conscientious civil service employee.
One day, tired of paying high rents in non-rent controlled apartments, the 3 Pigg brothers got together and decided to purchase homes in the suburbs. Rush Pigg found a 5 bedroom, 4 bath colonial in Scarsdale, with in ground pool, recently remodeled with vinyl siding and attached 4 car garage large enough for his Humvee. Barclay purchased a 6 bedroom, 7 bath home with a heliport on the roof, tennis courts, and indoor pool, sided with redwood from old growth forests in Chappaqua. Joe happened across a union contractor just finishing up work on a nice 2 bedroom, 1 ½ bath brick ranch style home in Farmingville located near reliable public transportation.
The three Pigg brothers took out mortgages and moved into their new homes. Rush and Barclay needed moving vans due to their excessive consumption, however Joe got a couple of pals who piled in Joe's Chevy Tahoe hybrid pickup, proving once and for all that you can buy an environmentally friendly American built truck. Joe rented a U-Haul trailer to pull behind the Tahoe and was moved in in short order.
Soon after moving in, a predatory lender named Bigg Badde Wolfe was looking through possible mortgages to buy up when he ran across the paperwork on the three Pigg brother's homes. He decided that pork sounded very good for dinner that month so he got out of his cheap suit, put on some coveralls and went to hunt down the Pigg brothers.
Arriving in Scarsdale, Bigg Badde, or BB for short, stopped his Volvo at the front gate and used the intercom to call to the house.
"Delivery for Mr. Rush Pigg."
"Is it my Oxycon...I mean my pharmaceutical order?"
"I believe so sir."
The gates opened and BB drove up to the front of the house where Rush Pigg waited eagerly. Rush saw BB get out of his car and freaked. "You're not my dealer.... I mean pharmacist!" He quickly dove in the house and locked the door.
BB Wolfe snorted in amusement. "Let me in, fat boy."
A voice came from behind the door. "Get out of here, you ruffian before I call the cops!"
"If you don't let me in, I'll huff and puff and blow this joint down. Then I'll foreclose on your mortgage."
"Yeah, right. I'm rich enough that I can pay off the mortgage with my cigar money. Now leave if you know whats good for you."
"Okay tough guy, we do this the hard way." Bigg Badde took a deep breath and blew as hard as he could, stripping the siding off Rush Pigg's house and blowing a hole in the wall. Rushing through, he caught Rush and tied him up, then swiped Rush's phone, calling his buddies up and inviting them up to Scarsdale for an impromptu pool party.
"Yeah guys, I'll supply the barbecue pork, you bring the beer and chips." Rush Pigg was barbecued on his own patio while the Wolfe clan partied until the beer and food ran out. A good time was had by all, other than Rush Pigg, of course.
Having his girlfriend drive his car, he stuffed Rush Pigg's Hummer full of overpriced consumer goods made with Asian slave labor, then drove to Chappaqua to visit Barclay Pigg. When he pulled up to the gate, Barclay saw the Hummer on his CCTV and assumed his successful brother Rush was coming to visit. He opened the gate to let him in.
Since his housekeeper, a poorly paid undocumented worker from Honduras, was out running errands, he went to the front door to let his brother in. Spotting Bigg in his blood and barbecue sauce stained coveralls exiting the Hummer, he paled and ran inside, slamming the door.
Bigg decided to forgo the normal pleasantries, took a match and lit up the side of Barclay's house. The fire quickly burned off the siding and he took a deep breath and blew a hole in the front of the house, putting out the blaze and allowing him to dart through and grab Barclay. Pulling out his cleaver, he growled..."It's party time!"
The next day, having fenced off his ill gotten gains and leaving the Hummer with the keys in it in the Bronx, Bigg drove his Volvo out to Farmingville to get the last Pigg brother. He had hoped to catch Joe Pigg as he was coming home from work, however an accident on the Long Island Expressway held up traffic and Joe arrived home after a relaxing ride on the reliable public transportation, even having time to pour a glass of wine and prepare a cheese tray before settling down in front of the television to watch his favorite show on MSNBC, Countdown with Kieth Olbermann.
Hearing a knock on the door, Joe got up and looked through the peephole to see a traffic frazzled Bigg B. Wolfe standing on his porch with a hungry gleam in his eye. Not opening the door, he asked, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I ran out of gas and was wondering if I could use your phone to call my brother."
Now Joe Pigg was not going to fall for that! He was a New Yorker, for Pete's sake, and that was the oldest trick in the book for home invaders. Misunderstood as these poor underprivileged people might be, he had no intention of becoming someone's sausage! However, just in case this ragged looking fellow was on the level, Joe offered to call his brother for him.
"What is it with you Pigg brothers that you are so darned stubborn? Say your prayers, sucker!"
Joe, seeing that this chap was indeed a criminal, quickly called 911, where he was soon connected with Animal Control. Outside, BB Wolfe huffed and puffed and blew as hard as he could at Joe's well built home. It did not even quiver, let alone fall down. He repeated the action several times until he fell over, exhausted. He then climbed up on the roof in order to go down the chimney. Unfortunately for Bigg, the well built, modern brick home was an energy efficient building with only a small exhaust pipe on the roof.
Just then the conscientious Animal Control employee drove up. Seeing a wolf (or Wolfe) on the roof of the house, he pulled out a small rifle, loaded it with a non lethal dart, and shot BB Wolfe in the buttocks, causing him to fall off the roof. Bigg Badd was soon loaded into a cage and transported away from Joe Pigg's well built brick home. Bigg would be turned over to a Sierra Club supported wild animal rescue organization. Following an intensive reeducation program, he would be released into the wild at Yellowstone National Park, sans coveralls. Unfortunately, after escaping the park, he would later end up being shot by an evil capitalistic rancher while in the process of eating a prize breeding sheep. He was stuffed and mounted and now graces the den of the rancher's home.
Joe Pigg collected from the Victim's Restitution Fund, as well as inheriting his two brother's estates, valued at roughly $300 million. After paying inheritance taxes, Federal, State, NYC, county and village taxes, he ended up with $43, which he blew on wine and cheese. Life was good and he lived happily ever after.
This cautionary tale was brought to you by the International Brotherhood of Bricklayers and Stonemasons, who would like to remind you that if you don't buy a brick home....someone is going to eat your bacon!