I was sitting alone in the Titans Towers living room. Robin and Starfire were out on a date, Cyborg was fixing his car, and Beast Boy was doing something I could careless about.
I heard someone sigh and walk through the door. Looking up I saw
Beast Boy. Anger coursed through me as I glared at him.
"I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from me."
He slowly looked up at me. His face showed that he was in some type of pain, but I really don't care about his problems. He was silent.
As coldly as I could I asked; "Are you just asking to die?"
Weakly he answered; "Every day."
answer shocked me. He wanted to die? I let my face become passive
again. It was silent again.
Beast Boy broke the silence. "I'm……I'm leaving tomorrow morning." 'Good.' I thought.
He spoke again. "I'm packing tonight, and leaving first thing tomorrow. Probably around five." 'Fantastic. I don't have to see your sorry ass again.'
Beast Boy stared at me for a moment. His face contorted in pain and he looked away. "Raven….I'm sorry. I really am. I wish more than anything that I could go back and stop it from happening. But….." He stopped for a second. "But I can't. The only thing I can do now is say that I'm sorry."
I rolled my eyes and spoke with venom. "You can also go burn in Hell."
He faced me and gave me a fake smile. "You have no idea how much I want that. I don't want to be here any more. And you don't want me here anymore." I looked at him confused. What did he mean by that? Does he want to…..
He gave me a crazy smile and laughed coldly and humorlessly. "Yea. I'm saying I want to be dead. I guess we both have the same want."
For a moment my breathing and heart stopped. My face was blank, but on the inside my mind was reeling. 'Beast Boy wants to be dead? But he's always so happy! Why would he want to die? It doesn't make any sense.' I looked down for a moment and saw his sleeve rolled up some. There under the sleeve I could see several scars and a newly formed cut. 'Beast Boy has been cutting his wrists?'
"Well. "I guess this is goodbye. I'm sure you're jumping with joy on the inside. Heh. I wouldn't blame you." He walked past me to the other side of the room. He stopped in the doorway. Without turning around he spoke. "You said you're from Hell yes?" I was silent. What did that have to do with anything?
He spoke again. "I'll take that as a yes. If you ever decide to visit "home" look me up."
What in the world? What exactly is he suggesting? After he left the room I tried to get back to my book, but I just kept reading the same line over and over again. Finally I became frustrated and gave up. For the rest of the night I stayed in my room mediating, or thinking of what Beast Boy had said to me.
next morning I woke up half asleep. Going downstairs I went into the
kitchen to get some breakfast. Sitting there was the whole group,
minus Beast Boy. Everyone was quite except for Starfire who was
sniffing. "I miss Beast Boy." She said sadly. "We all do."
Replied Cyborg. "Even Raven." He looked up at me, but I just
walked away back up to my room. There on my door was a note. On it it
figured it was from Beast Boy. I was about to open it and read it
when I heard Robin call over the intercom.
"Raven, get into the living room. Hurry." He sounded urgent, but sad at the same time. Weird.
I walked into the living room and saw everyone staring at the TV.
"What is it?" I asked dully.
Beast Boy." Robin said softly.
"What, he rob a bank or something?"
I was answered with silence. Looking up at the TV I saw a local news channel on.
we have lost a great hero. Earlier this morning Beast Boy from the
Teen Titans was found dead in a hotel room."
I let out a small gasp. The new anchor went on.
"A maid discovered his body and proceeded to call 911. He was announced dead at the scene. The cause of death has been confirmed as a suicide. His wrists had been deeply cut with a knife found a few inches from his body. Also found by his side was a picture of a fellow friend and team mate, Raven……."
After this I blanked everything out. Beast Boy was dead. He wasn't joking the other night. He really waned to die. And because of me.
At this moment I remembered that I was still holding the note from Beast Boy. Slowly I opened the note.
I know that you could care less about me. And what I did to you…I regret it every single day. I really do wish that I could go back and change what happened. But I can't. No matter how bad I want to. I just can't.
Robin told me that the Beast inside of me was acting on my wants. And I think….no, I know that the reason he took over me and did that was because I want you. I love you Raven. So much. All I've ever wanted was to be with you. To hug you, kiss you, let you have a shoulder to cry on. To just be close to you. But you always pushed me away. I just came crawling back though. That night when the Beast took over I…..I didn't want him to stop. But I knew that I was hurting you. The urge to keep going was so strong, that it was nearly impossible to stop. I love you Raven. I Really do. With all my heart. But, I can't do this anymore. My heart is breaking and I can't stand the pain. I can't be near you, I can't even see you. Not without you maiming me. Last night in the living room is the longest conversation we've had in a month.
You said you wanted me to go to Hell. Later today I'm giving you what you and I both want. I've tried to end it all before, but I couldn't. But I'm doing it for sure now. Like I said, I can't stand this pain anymore. I know now that I don't have any chances of being with you. And these images of you….they just keep going through my head. They're making me crazy Rae. I can't stand it. Every single image makes my want to cry and do something to hurt myself. I've lost the will to live now.
I know we never got along Rae, but I always loved you. Through everything I love you with all my heart and soul. I would do anything for you. I'd die for you. I love you Raven.
My eyes clouded with tears which soon cascaded down my cheeks. My legs bucked and I collapsed on my hands and knees. My body shook with sobs as I closed my eyes tightly. I was only slightly aware of Robin, Cyborg and Starfire calling out to me, and several thing exploding near me. 'Beast Boy, I'm so sorry. I don't hate you. I don't want you gone. I don't want you dead. Please come back. Please come back Beast Boy.'
my sobs I yelled; "PLEASE BEAST BOY! PLEASE COME BACK! I DIDN'T
MEAN IT! PLEASE!"
I lost my breath and fell onto my side. I curled up into a tight ball and continued to cry. "Beast Boy." I whispered. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
I cried until the next morning. I only slept when I passed out from exhaustion. I only ate when I was forced to. I almost never got out of my room. I stayed in my bed, hidden under the covers. "Beast Boy…." I whispered one day. "I….I love you too."