A/N: What can I say? Enjoy, review, you know.

Disclaimer: Oh, how I wish I owned it all.

Fleas

"Oh, Stacy, what you do to me." Flirting.

"I bet you say that to all the girls." Giggle.

"Nah, you're special." A flash of pearly white teeth.

"Hehe, that's so swee– Sirius, what is that?" Shock.

"Oh, my darling, you want some?" Oh, Sirius, what a dog you are. Literally.

"N-no, that!"

Sirius looked down to see a small, black, moving – thing. A bug – a flea.

"Oh my MERLIN, it's moving!" A shrill, female exclamation.

"Oh, that? Just – just ignore it. Here–" Sirius swept it off with a cool, Sirius-like, graceful motion.

"That was a flea! Why are there fleas? What if there are more?!"

"Darling, I don't feel anyth–"

"And on a human! Do you even have a dog?!"

"Er – in a way."

"There's another one!"

"No – that? No, that's a – a house fly."

"Sirius! That's disgusting!" She got up and started to hurry off, stalking down the corridor, checking herself for fleas."

"No – no! Baby! Come on!"

"No! There might be more!"

"Come on! Stacy!"

Silence.

"Well don't tell your friends about this!"

"..."

"Damn it...."


In the Gryffindor common room....

"Then what did you say?"

"I begged her to come back. Begged! Sirius Black doesn't beg!"

"This is true."

"So what, you'll have another girlfriend next week. Tomorrow."

"But she was hot, Remus!"

"Sucks for you, mate."

"Well what was I supposed to do?! I've never had bloody fleas as a human before –"

"Keep your voice down, Pads."

"No. I am not Padfoot. Padfoot is a monster with..."

"Fleas?"

"Shut up, Moony."

"Funny, I always thought you could've lived the rest of your life as a dog."

"Fleas, Prongs, fleas! You have no idea!"

"Actually, I do. Ticks. They're everywhere."

"Rabies," Remus added.

This threw Sirius off. "Rabies, really? I imagine that's worse than ticks."

"Yeah, but when you feel them biting into your skin, you wish your antlers could just scratch them out...."

Awkward silence.

"At least I never have to remember the rabies, I just sort of know I have it."

More silence.

"You guys should try having something bigger than you hunting you. Damn those cats."

Yet more silence.

"But why me?! And Stacy!" Whining.


The next morning....

As soon as he got up, Sirius checked all over himself for fleas. Everywhere.

"Did you check all of your hair?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did."

"Oh, Pad– what's that?!"

"What?!"

"No, up. To the left."

"WHERE?!"

"Oh, it jumped into your hair."

"You – are you lying to me?"

"Noo, no, I'm not."

"Prongs...."

"Yes, my fine flea-covered furry feline-hater?"

"You're a cold-blooded monster."


"So, Caroline, how've you been?"

"Aw, great since I'm with you, Sirius."

"I hope your sister, Stacy, is all right?"

"Oh, I'm sure. I can't imagine who would want to turn you down."

"I know, it's a shame. But now I got you, so it's all good."

"Oh, definite– Sirius, what is that?"

"What? Where?"

Caroline pointed to a spot on Sirius' lower arm.

"Oh, that – that's a bug."

"That – that's a flea!"

"N-no it's not...."