Stalag 13 Gazette
Volume 1, no. 1
April 23, 1943
Note from the editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12.
Kommandant Klink has graciously allowed us to print this first issue of what we hope will be a regular camp newsletter. Hopefully, this publication will facilitate communication throughout the camp, dispel rumors and provide a bit of entertainment for those of us who are now imprisoned here for the duration. All articles and notices have been preapproved by the Kommandant.
As of today, camp population: 823 prisoners. Sorry, number of guards is classified.
A note of thanks from our Kommandant:
We all owe a debt of gratitude to Colonel Hogan for his bravery. As you know, he, along with myself and Sergeant Schultz, successfully deactivated a bomb that had landed in the compound. This bomb was dropped by your side, which is a flagrant violation of the Geneva Convention. I can assure you that this matter has been taken to higher authorities. Unfortunately, General Burkhalter did not hang around to witness this event. This shows that even though we are enemies, we can cooperate for the greater good.
Sergeant Wilson is still tracking down those prisoners who have not reported for their annual physical.
LOST: our barrack´s mascot. He´s got grey hair, is about 2 inches tall, and answers to the name Felix. A reward awaits the person who returns him to barracks 2!
The Glee Club will be meeting on Thursdays at 1500 hours in the recreation hall. I have heard them. They do a great version of "Roll out the Barrel."
The Rhumba contest has been canceled due to lack of interest. I hear the Kommandant is disappointed as he had been tapped to judge the event.
Colonel Hogan will be conducting a mandatory meeting for all Barracks Chiefs next Monday at 0800. The meeting will be held in the mess hall. The topic of discussion will be Fire EVACUATION DRILLS. Again, the meeting is mandatory. Chiefs need to remind their barracks that we are facing a dangerous situation in the camp due to the prevalence of wooden structures. You are all smart enough to understand the ramifications. So be careful with your cigarettes, matches etc. Conditions around here can often be windy or hazardous and can change within seconds.
Congratulations are in order for the winner of the recent basket weaving contest: Corporal LeBeau of Barracks two. While we are on the subject of basket weaving, the obnoxiously large entry submitted by Corporal Newkirk, also of Barracks two, has mysteriously disappeared. If anyone has it, please return it. No questions asked.
Yes, that was Colonel Hogan decked out in his full dress uniform (complete with medals) the other evening. It appears he had been ordered to appear for dinner with the Kommandant and a member of the German "brass." How the Colonel managed to get his dress uniform delivered to our camp is still a mystery.
If any of you think it is always winter around here, you're not far from the truth. The official snowfall amount as recorded by our resident meteorologist, Sgt. McMahon, was 110 inches. Coincidentally, that is close to the usual amount of snow that falls on my hometown of Syracuse, NY. during a normal winter.
"After a thorough spring cleaning of Barracks Two, many previously-thought-missing items were found in the locker of someone who we shall leave nameless. That person has been forced to give those items back. If you're missing something, see Corporal Newkirk.
A reminder, particularly for the newer prisoners: All problems, complaints or suggestions need to go through Colonel Hogan or his staff. Prisoners are not allowed to speak with the Kommandant and should not be anywhere near his office, unless they have permission. This is for your protection.
A warning from our Kommandant: Several prisoners were sentenced to the cooler recently for making "noises" during roll call. Please remember that such actions have consequences.
Sgt. Carter and Cpl LeBeau from Barracks 2 kindly request that their fellow prisoners stop harassing them about having Hasenpfeffer for supper. "We are not - repeat: not - eating living animals," Sgt Carter says. "Besides, as you know, it was not a rabbit trap. It was a gonculator, which was blown up."
The fitness club is always looking for new members, especially now with a view to staging Stalag's 13 unofficial mini Olympiad. Both staff and residents are invited to participate; Colonel Klink will be the official starter of all races. In related news, Barracks 11 is the official winner of last week's volleyball tournament.
The censors are reminding everyone that not only is their job difficult enough as it is, there's a war on and paper is in short supply everywhere. Be brief and be cheerful but don't spill those beans.
Fraulein Hilda thanks everyone for all the wishes on her recent birthday. However, Colonel Klink is not amused at the state of his garden. All perpetrators, no matter how sincere their intentions, will be punished with a month's compost heap duty.
Any prisoners caught fraternizing with the local population in or out of camp, will suffer severe consequences. This is particularly true for local frauleins bearing milk products.
"If anyone sees a tiger passing the camp, please inform Colonel Hogan immediately!"
"Wanted: female, preferably size 36-22-36, but all sizes are welcome. Signed: Desperate."
"Notice from the mess-hall: the menu until further notice (provided we get the ingredients):
Sunday: potato salad
Monday: baked potatoes
Tuesday: mashed potatoes
Wednesday: boiled potatoes
Thursday: potato soup
Saturday: leftover potatoes"
A note from your Commanding Officer: This month, I have successfully bargained for: 10 hours of extra electricity, 2 additional slices of white bread per man, per week (sorry, no pumpernickel), and a later morning roll call. Thanks go out to all those who volunteered for work details. I have also had to listen to a violin recital, and I have played over 20 games of chess with the Kommandant. As you know, this job is not easy.
Contributors to this issue include: snooky, Konarciq, Mistress V, Deana