Title: Ground Rules
Author: Kristen Sharpe
Disclaimer: "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.
Author's Note: This short exists because SageSK is evil. I made a joke, and then she dared/threatened/badgered me into making it into a drabble. Well, it's not a proper drabble at 200 words, but still. Oh, and various elements of our joke continue in her fic "Fully Caffeinated Alchemist".
"Gentlemen," Colonel Mustang faced his assembled subordinates. "Our unit will soon include a twelve year old boy. In light of that, I think I need to lay down a few ground rules." He held up a finger. "Number one – even off-duty, you will not offer him any alcohol. Drunken alchemists are a terror at the best of times; a drunken twelve year old alchemist is a nightmare I refuse to contemplate."
Mustang saw his men's formerly bemused faces sharpen with understanding. Good.
"Number two," he continued, "you will not offer him any coffee; he's stunted enough as it is."
There was a collective snicker.
Mustang ignored it and moved on. "Number three - you will not tell him any dirty secrets you may think you know about me." He smirked. "Remember, I know more about all of you." That said, he settled back into his chair and rested his hands on his desk. "That is all."
There was silence for a moment and then Havoc spoke up. "What if we swear around the kid?"
Mustang allowed a small smile to curl his lips. "I don't think a one of you knows anything he hasn't already used to blaspheme my name."