Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, but I own a tape of episodes that is being borrowed right now.


In a deep hidden layer, and by that I mean a house in the suburbs with a bad paint job, a certain group of evil men were going over a new plan to thwart the Teen Titans, even though they... never really had an old plan.

"Gentlemen, we have trouble," Leader Man began. "It seems that the Teen Titans have beaten every villain in the city and put them into prison. This gives them a boat load of free time."

"But, sir, why do we care?" Question Man questioned. "In fact, didn't this used to be my mother's house?"

"Erm, he he he..." Leader Man twiddled his fingers and chuckled nervously. "uh, let's discuss that later. Anyways, the Titans are no longer busy. They stay at home more often. Do you know what this means?"

"What?" One Word Man questioned, stealing Question Man's schtick.

"They're going to... to... explore each others' bodies!"

A collective gasp was heard reverberating throughout the whole house. Some people fainted in terror, others left to go throw up.

"What an outrage!" Ned the Janitor (NOT THE AUTHOR) roared in aforementioned outrage. "I haven't had any... intercourse... in over 15 years, and by gum, I will make it stay that way! I am a red blooded American, god damn it! My hand is more than good enough for me!"

"Oh, God, who invited him here?" Question Man demanded.

"I did!" Stupid Man yelled stupidly.

"Didn't I tell you not to let him within fifteen feet of me ever again after that incident at the Bible study last month? You truly live up to your name, don't you, Stupid Man?"

"Well, I may not be no Fig Newton, but I-"

"It's Isaac Newton, you fucking moron!" Science Man screamed.

"This is no time for arguing!" Leader Man stamped his undersized feet in childish frustration. "We must stop this, the very thought of teenagers doing the scarlet sin... ugh!"

"Do you have a plan, Leader Man?" asked Question Man.

Leader Man frowned and shook his head. "Not yet. But very soon, my friend."


"Borrrrred... booooooored... bboooooooorrrrrr-"

"Shut up, Beastboy!"

"Sorry, Robin."

Ever since the Titans had managed to wipe out the villainy of Jump City, they had been bored (just in case you couldn't tell) in the summer heat. All that they were doing anymore these days was sitting on the couch, sweating and moaning from the sweltering heat in the Tower.

"Starfire, be careful. I think that puddle was Cyborg's, and he can be a stinky bastard when he sweats." Robin rasped.

Starfire sniffed the puddle, then promptly lightened up. "Ooh, it reminds me of a delicacy from my home planet!"

"I'm not shocked." Beastboy mumbled.

Starfire sat down on the couch, her ample milk balloons bouncing slightly from the force. Robin noticed, and boy, if you thought his pants were tight before, you should have seen them when-

"The air conditioner's almost fixed, guys." Cyborg said from the doorway to the main room. "Though I don't know why I care. I'm a damn robot."

"Alright!" Robin yelled. "Finally, I can breathe!"

Beastboy stood and did a celebratory fist pump. "And I can turn into a mammal without going into heat stroke!"

"And I can stand in front of it, letting the gentle breeze caress my every curve!"

The three boys looked over at Starfire in mild shock, before Beastboy piped up. "Gee, Starfire, that was articulate."

"I think you've been cracking open too many poetry books. Probably Raven's." Cyborg noted, and Robin flinched at the phrase "cracking open" for reasons he couldn't quite comprehend.

"Raven's? No, that would be more like 'the sharp air from the fan froze the blood from my bleeding wrist like it was an Arctic blast from the wound in my heart.'" Starfire said, laying her feet on the coffee table in front of the couch.

Beastboy chortled. "True."

Robin continued to stare like a special ed student at his orange crush for the duration of the afternoon. He also looked at Starfire a whole bunch. As the heat from outside got more mild and the tower became slightly more bearable to live in, it wasn't long before Robin and Starfire were the only two left in the main room. Robin still ogled at the sweat drenched alien until his eyes fell upon something... interesting.

"Robin, what are you staring at?" Starfire asked him finally.

Robin tilted his head up to stare into the girl's green eyes. "Starfire, did you spill relish on yourself or something?"

"Relish? What is that?"

"Erm, it's a green sort of condiment that-"

Starfire gasped. "Robin, are you suggesting that I have been eating what you earthlings call 'condoms'?"

"No! No, a condiment is something like mustard or-"

"MUSTARD!" Starfire jumped up. "I'm going to the food room to see if there is any in the cold box!"

Robin nodded. As Starfire left for the kitchen, Robin put his hand to his chin. It was absurd, but very much true. Starfire's nipples were fucking GREEN. That was some hulk shit, son. How was this going to affect his affections for the one that affected his penis so much? Well, with the help of mustard, her naivete, and condimenim- condos- those rubber things you put your dick into, Robin was going to find out.