Disclaimer: Green Titans, the spin-off show where all five of the Teen Titans are replaced by clones of Beastboy with slight variations on gender and personality, is not owned by me.
"Well, men, I have some fantastic news to share with all of you," Leader Man beamed as the meeting began.
"You finally kicked Ned the Janitor out of the church?" Question Man did what he was best at- disliking Ned the Janitor. And asking questions.
"No, Question Man, that will be in due time." Leader Man cleared his throat. "Gentlemen… yesterday, Starfire of the Teen Titans stormed out of the building. Our work to break the group up is bearing fruit."
"Bearing fruit?" Question Man piped up. "Is that what them book-learners refer to as irony?"
"You know, just maybe."
The next morning, Starfire had failed to reappear at Titans Tower.
"When's the last time you tried messaging Starfire through the communicator?"
Robin frowned deeply. "Cyborg, first of all, that is a very inappropriate question to ask at a time like this. Second, you know as well as I do the communicators don't have that capability, and even if they did-"
"'Messaging,' Robin, not 'massaging.' Get your head out of the damn gutter."
"…Oh. About five minutes ago. Still not answering."
Cyborg shook his head. That girl was causing a lot of worry.
"Okay, guys," Robin said through teeth gritted with determination, and boner extermination (a triangular vagina is still a vagina to someone who's like 16 years old), "here's what we'll do. Cyborg and I will use the T-ship to search the deepest reaches of space for Starfire, in case she went and flew to another planet like the time she had a pimple." Robin shuddered at the memory- it was as if she'd grown a dick out of her head. She was literally a dickhead for a short time.
"We got it," Raven said. "Beastboy and I will fly around the city and other neighboring areas, looking for her."
"Good. If either of us finds her, you know what to do."
"…Lecture her on how stupid it is to call us freaks when she's the alien to our planet?" Raven suggested helpfully.
"No. Well, yeah, actually, but afterwards. Right now, just focus on finding her and alerting the other search team with your communicator when you do. Got it? Good. Let's move out!"
"Say, Raven," Beastboy started to ask as he and Raven were doing a brief ground search in the city, "I've been meaning to ask for a little while, but… are you, uh… are you… with Cyborg?"
Raven looked over at Beastboy, cocking (lolpenis) an eyebrow. "Why would you ask something like that?"
"Because I saw you in bed with him night. I was just curious, is all."
"Well, get curious about something that's actually your business. In the meantime, let's keep looking around for Starfire."
Beastboy thought for a second. "What is it about Cyborg that you like?"
Raven didn't answer. Beastboy got his hopes up, believing that Raven was asking herself the same question. In reality, she was trying to ignore the green kid's pointless question and stick to the matter at hand.
"So, uh… when did you start, uh, seeing each other?"
"God damn it, Beastboy," Raven turned around and snapped, "do you really think now is the right time to get this conversation started?"
"Well, I mean-"
"You want to know how long I've been seeing him?!"
"You want to know what I like about him?!"
"If it isn't too much to-"
"Ever since the night you and him went into my mirror without asking! We've been fucking each other ever since, and you know what? It's been fantastic! It's been the best experience of my life! That's what I like about him! He uses my body like his car, putting the pedal to my metal, making me squeal against the road and leave tire tracks on my bed! Beastboy, you don't understand, his dick has five different settings, all set to maximize pleasure! And I always pick number four, Beastboy! I always-"
BEEP BEEP! Raven's communicator went off, giving Beastboy a little time to process what he was hearing, mainly because Raven was not very good at metaphors. Also, shit had been exploding around them during her monologue, so he had to go make sure no one had gotten killed. "Yes, Robin? Did you find her?"
"We can hear you."
If Raven thought she was embarrassed at that point, she should have felt how hard Cyborg was seething.
"Now, look, as interesting as you may think your sex life is, Raven, now is definitely not the time to be talking about it. Focus on looking for Starfire instead of giving Beastboy TMI overdose. I, for one, am going to have a hard enough time on my own side now that Cyborg looks like he wants to kill himself."
Raven couldn't even sack up enough juices to argue with the Boy Wonder, she was so embarrassed about her revealing conversation. She sighed and nodded her head, and as she put away her communicator, she noticed that Beastboy had disappeared suddenly.
"Beastboy?" Raven called out.
But Beastboy did not respond. Raven was beginning to grow irritated with the green motherfucker, assuming that he was trying to pull another one of his dumb pranks. Then again, perhaps he was cooling off- or worse, masturbating- after that outburst that Raven had. She knew she was never going to live that down, and the thought secretly killed her.
"Beastboy!" Raven tried yelling, something her voice was by no means accustomed to doing. Luckily, she only had to do it… about four times, coughing profusely between the last two.
Raven eventually saw a man carrying a limp body while she was flying around, and it was painfully obvious that Beastboy was the limp body, because there are no other bodies in the world who are better at being limp than Beastboy. Raven landed right in front of the mysterious man, scaring the fuck out of him.
"What are you doing with that Beastboy?"
The man tried to cover the cartoonishly big lump on Beastboy's noggin with his one free hand. "He was sleeping, ma'am, I was simply looking for his parents."
"You didn't think to call the police or anything?" Raven knew the man was bullshitting, but hell, what did it hurt to string the guy along? Am I right, MRA dudes?
"Well, no, ma'am. Have you ever heard that song by Flava Flav, '9-11 is a Joke?'"
Raven's eyebrow cocked upward. She looked like she could smell what the Rock was cooking, and it smelled like shit. "No, I haven't. I didn't even know Flava Flav was a musician, I just thought he was some ugly reality TV guy with a clock around his neck."
"Well, no, ma'am, he is not. In fact, he is perhaps one of the-"
"Hey, you have Beastboy! That's great, we have two titans!"
Raven peered over the first guy's shoulder to see a second guy carrying an unconscious Starfire. It was on now.
TO BE CONTINUED