Disclaimer: I'd like to say something clever and funny here, but let's face it, you're reading a story about Teen Titans characters fighting anti-sex villains. Everyone involved here is already funny enough in the head.

"STOP!" Raven yelled after the guy carrying Starfire, forgetting all about Beastboy in the process. But that guy wasn't about to give Raven the indignity of surrendering to her. Dropping Starfire behind him, he pulled out his secret weapon- a Mach 7 Vibrator! Raven stopped in midair and hovered, giving the toy a long stare. "What are you trying to imply here?"

"Ha ha! Foolish teenage girl! Bend to the will of I, Henchmanman! NO vagina-haver can resist the awesome might of this pleasure machine! It-"

Henchmanman's villainous monologue was caught in his throat when Raven, in a flash, levitated him from the ground. Henchmanman would spend a lonely evening on the roof of some nearby skyscraper, his only company a Mach 7 Vibrator.

But Raven's fight was not done. She faced the other kidnapper just in time to gaze down the receiving end of his own weapon; the LAY-zer!

"Ha ha haaa!" Kidnapperman gloated. "Welcome to a Hell greater than any on Earth! With this weapon, you will become irresistible to men and women alike! You will exude an aura of tremendous sexuality! With you distracted, I will make a daring escape across-"

Raven promptly kicked the man in the chin and brought him to unconsciousness. Relief swept over, for she had rescued her comrades. But now was no time to celebrate… she heard moaning. Moaning meant, regardless of whether it was good or bad, her raging hormones demanded she investigate.

With Starfire and Beastboy hoisted one upon each shoulder, she made slow progress down an unfamiliar street. Amazingly, this chapter is not going to end with a rape scene. It might, however, end with the word "fuck." In any case, the origin of the moaning soon manifested itself- it was Leaderman, sitting by a trash can in a dark alley.

"What's your deal?" Raven asked. She didn't quite trust this mysterious stranger. He looked too much like one of those religious people who liked to hang out in front of the tower. The guys who'd hand out pamphlets to strangers until Cyborg came out and scared them away.

"Help me…" Leaderman affected a hoarse, hurting voice. He sounded not unlike a constipated Galapagos turtle. "They got me…"


"Those handsome devils… the Senior Anti-Sex League… save yourself!"

Raven learned her lesson last time she tried to play coy with one of these bastards. She ended up with a faceful of kidnapped Starfire. In a flash, Raven snatched the man up by the collar with both hands and slammed him against a brick wall. "I want you to tell me exactly where Starfire is!"


Elsewhere, on a deserted planet light years from Earth, Cyborg was on his knees screwing… not Robin, but a nut on his ship. I sure had you going for a second, there, didn't I?

"How does a ship even get a flat tire?" Robin snarked.

"I told you already," Cyborg said after a hefty moan of exasperation, "this ship has implants shaped like tires. They help keep the ship steady while it's in space!"

"But- okay," Robin started, "I understand that, but- look!"

Robin shined the flashlight into the ship's interior through the small square Cyborg screwed off. A clearly visible set of inflatable tits greeted the sight of anyone who braved peering in. "I mean, come on Cyborg, is this really necessary?"

Cyborg stood up, getting all huffy and shit. "This is my ship! What I say goes! Besides, it's not like I put them on the outside of the ship."

"Well, duh, that would be indecent exposure. There's no way I'd get in any ship if it had its tits showing."


"…Well, what the hell are we arguing about? Get back to work, grease monkey."

"Who are you calling-"

Cyborg's rant-in-progress was interrupted by the sound of Robin's communicator. "Sounds like Raven and Beastboy may have found her!"

Robin opened his communicator, and was immediately confused. "Uh, Raven, where exactly are you right now?"

"I'm not sure. It's a long story."

"Did you find Starfire?"

"Yes, then no. Again, long story. I've been captured and I need you to rescue me."

"Wait," Cyborg said, overhearing, "if you've been caught, then how are you talking to us?"

"They just locked me in a room." Raven peered behind her for a second, then back. "I don't think these guys really know what they're doing."

"Alright. Can you hold on a second? We still need to fix the ship, we're stranded right now."

"Yeah. I think I'll be okay."


Meanwhile, behind the bookstore…

"You didn't take away her stuff?!" Leaderman raged. "What on earth were you even thinking?!"

"Sir, if I took her stuff, it might mean having to… t-take her clothes off, sir, and I-"

"Just shut up!" Leaderman snapped. "What are you even freaking out about, Quiverman?! You've never seen a naked f-female in your life!"

"Well, it's-s-s shameful to see her like that, isn't it? Besides," Quiverman pointed a shaky finger at Leaderman, "y-y-you've never seen a girl naked either!"

"Of course I have, you fool! I'm married to a girl! Duh!"

"I-I thought she never got naked?"

"She has to shower sometimes!"

"But when you m-m-m-make l-l-"

"Just shut up! I'm changing the subject or you're fired!" Leaderman didn't want to go any further on this line of thought and the conversation dissolved to awkward silence. Mainly because he knew Quiverman would trap him with whatever he was about to say. Leaderman and his wife only fucked once a year, clothed, with his dick sticking through a hole in his boxers. And it was always too dark to see anything of hers.

"We've got to get her tools away from her, provided she has any." Leaderman finally said. "I don't like it any more than you do, but she'll surely find a way to escape or alert her friends if we don't… get… her out of her leotard!" He said that last bit with one fast breath, and then gulped while a sweat bead trickled down his nose.

Quiverman grabbed the doorknob. "R-Ready?"

"Yes. Just open the door!"

But his hand shook too hard for him to turn the doorknob. From inside the room, the voice of Raven: "If you're going to come, do it!" They did.