A/N: I enjoy lemons as much as the next person, but the word itself when used in this context has always made me giggle. I used to think it was a secret code word, but there actually is meaning behind the phrase. en(dot)wikipedia(dot)org/wiki/Fan_fiction_terminology That made it less funny to me and I like to laugh, so when I heard about this one-shot challenge, I decided to bring back the laughter I just took it a little farther. In this Mad Lib, you not only cannot say any word related to "love", but you also cannot say a lot of other things!

Thanks to IrishGirlTaken and DeviKalika for beta workin' their butts, uh, er, I mean, watermelons, off. Heh heh.


Mad Lib Fruit Cock Tale

Tonight was going to be a night for fun. They had been teasing each other about this evening for days. Edward turned on the CD player with remote and walked around the room lighting candles to make the night even more special for her.

"Whose turn is it?" Bella asked playfully, stretching out across the bed. The moonlight streamed through the glass wall of their bedroom.

"You know whose turn it is," he replied. He studiously avoided looking at her, knowing how he'd react to her body.

"Mine?" she teased, slowly sliding her arms and legs over the soft sheets, letting the hissing sound spark his imagination.

He rolled his eyes and nodded, still refusing to look at her so he could hide his smile.

"What was the last one again?" she asked impishly.

Edward couldn't resist any more as she reminded him of that night. He crossed the room to their bed smiling adorably at the memory, whispering, "The schoolgirl."

"Oh! Riiight!" she cooed and then yelped and squirmed when he lunged across the bed tickling her. "Ah! Edward! Stop!" she giggled. "Stop!"

"All right," he said with a kiss. "It's your turn then. What memory are we fixing tonight?"

Bella smiled devilishly. "I want to pretend it's the night you asked me to marry you."

"The first time or the second?" he asked wryly just to tease her.

"Stop," she scolded him with a playful poke, taking his ribbing in the manner he intended. "The night I said yes. The night I threw myself at you."

"Okay," he agreed slowly.

"Only this time, Edward, you're not going to play hard to get and I'm not going to stop like a good little girl. This time you're going to let me win."

"Bella, I wasn't playing hard to get that night. I was...," he pointed out, but she would hear none of it.

"Yeah, yeah, fine, whatever," she cut him off, waving her hand dismissively.

He couldn't stop himself from laughing at her, and laughed harder when she insisted that they start now.

"But we're naked," he pointed out. When she only looked at him and shrugged, he felt the need to clarify. "Your battle is already half won."

"Do you want to play this game, or do you want to get dressed?"

"Already naked. Got it."

"Thank you. Just work with me here," she laughed at him.

He shrugged and shook his head, faking an angelic apology. "Sorry."

Grinning, Bella pushed him back onto the bed and snuggled into his side, laying her head and hand on his chest. She let out a contented sigh, closed her eyes, and pretended to sleep.

Edward remained quiet as he waited for her to start their night together, slowly rubbing his fingers over her arm and shoulder. As time wore on he began to wonder what her game actually was. She did not return his tender petting, nor did she even move. She simply breathed against his chest in steady even breaths, feigning sleep.

After two hours of this disarming torture, Bella began to mumble much like she did when she would talk in her sleep while she was still human. Then she started humming softly, moving her peach slowly, as if in a dream.

"Mmm, Edward, that feels so good," she murmured, letting her breathing increase as she began to press herself enticingly against him.

Edward tried to stifle his smile. This situation was all too familiar to him, so he simply did what he had always done on those occasions: manned up and remained as still as a statue.

Bella tried her best to break him, pressing her wet strawberry against his leg.

"Not fair," Edward hissed. "We both had clothes on before."

Trying not to smile, Bella hummed again and tweaked his pineapple hard. He bit back a surprised yelp and captured her hand, growling in warning.

Bella used it as her excuse to pretend to wake up. "Edward?" she asked with sleepy heart-breaking innocence. She continued the game by pretending she had awoken from an erotic dream, her face the perfect picture of feigned disappointment.

She looked so incredibly sad that Edward couldn't help himself and kissed her forehead to comfort her. She raised her eyes to his with such longing that he kissed her cherries before he could stop himself.

For Bella, this too was very familiar. She remembered all the nights in her room at Charlie's house that started exactly like this. As if from a written script, she let the scene play out as it had so many times before. True to the game, Edward pulled away when he felt himself responding to her touch.

And, in keeping with her fantasy, Bella reacted as she had always wanted to.

"Stop stopping," she hissed in frustration.

Edward sighed just as he would have back then, so he could explain to her once again why they had to go slow, take things one step at a time.

She returned his sigh with an aggravated huff. "Would you lie to me?" she asked suddenly, startling him.

He looked at her, worried. Was this still part of the game? "What? No! No, of course not! How can you even think that?" His eyes mirrored the hurt he felt, praying this was all still part of her role.

Bella looked at him pointedly. "Will you give me a yes or no answer if I ask you something?"

"What would you like to know?" Edward sidestepped the question.

She leaned very close to his ear, her breath caressing his face as her hand slowly smoothed down his neck, over his lime. "Do you want me?" she whispered, her hand continuing lower over his stomach and slowing to a crawl over his hip.

He shuddered and closed his eyes, swallowing hard. "Yes," he breathed.

Bella pressed her cherries to his ear. "Just let the moment find us then," she told him. When she pulled back and met his eyes again, his face close to hers, there was something quiet and sure in her gaze. She kissed him again lightly, letting her cherries linger, giving him time to adjust and lose himself in the contact. She let the moment spin out as she caressed his cherries slowly with her own, increasing the pressure of her touch as minutes passed. Her fingers stroked his skin in slow circles over his hip, waist, and stomach, moving over him as if she were drawing secret patterns.

Edward closed his eyes, savoring the sensations of her touch, and tried to let go and let her lead. She seemed to be in no hurry, easily taking cues from him to help him find the mood. Touches that he responded to were repeated; as his responses increased, so did the application of her touch.

His hands began to roam freely, caressing and stroking the soft skin of her apple and shoulders. He slowly worked his way around to her front, tentatively skimming his fingers along the outer curve of her lime. She pushed herself forward, allowing him to palm her lime gently. Her own hands pressed hard into his limes even as she trailed her kisses to his neck, her breath now coming in deep pants.

Her ardent attentions made him lose focus and gasp. He brought one hand up to her head, pressing her mouth against his neck, showing her without words that he was greatly enjoying this touch. She deepened the kiss, applying more pressure at the sensitive junction of his throat where the artery would come close to the skin, sucking and nipping him hard. His low moan spurred her on and her hands wrapped around his body, pulling him closer.

She pressed her palms against his limes, holding them there as she returned to his cherries. She kissed him with lazy delight, consumed by his closeness, then pulled away just enough to brush her nose along his before she paused.

His eyes opened. Bella was looking at him intently as if expecting him to try to stop her again. He remembered what he had wanted to do that night, but tonight — this night — he allowed himself to do what he had never dared to back then. He grabbed her neck with his left hand, drawing her back into a deep, rough kiss. She matched his eagerness with a hunger of her own.

Pushing him back, she broke their kiss and slid her nose down his chin, tracing the line of his neck. She continued along his chest, her hands passing over the swells of his firm pectorals. Slowly, she worked her way downward, kissing and licking his skin, and nipping at his navel. Edward hissed sharply as she slid down through his hands. She lingered there a moment while her hands continued their journey, taking hold of his hips and letting her nails scratch his skin lightly. She got the reaction she was searching for when his peach shuddered. He gasped when she caught his pawpaw between the soft valley of her limes. Pressing against him even more, her tight pineapples moved over his now wildly sensitive skin.

Her fingers played over the definition of his abs, slowly migrating toward his hips and thighs. Bella blew a breath over his skin, letting her hair fall lightly over him. She ran her hands down the outside of his thighs, crossing over to the inside and slowly drawing them upward and together, only to separate again and tease him by not touching his pawpaw. As she continued to move one hand upward, she rubbed her cheek against his abdomen, giving the tip of his pawpaw the slightest nudge with her nose, before her other hand moved up, gently cupping his kumquats. His peach tensed with the touch as his strained breathing told her how she was affecting him.

She paused there, gently fondling his kumquats with her thumb and middle finger, rolling and caressing them. He gasped and moaned, unable to remain still in her hand. She nuzzled her way back up his chest, lightly dragging her limes against his skin. She moved to kiss him again. She could see she was sorely testing his resolve. Edward was trembling, his muscles taut with restraint.

"Thank God you said yes," he breathed out in a rush. With a quick motion, he flipped her over, using his weight to press her back so his pawpaw was brushing the inside of her thigh.

Good Lord, if he had only done this that night! "Oooh," she breathed heavily and a chuckle escaped her cherries before he took them again, kissing her and forcing his plum deep into her mouth as his hand came up to cup her right lime.

His strong fingers gently probed her soft flesh as he laid his thighs over hers, every inch of her peach in contact with his. Bella could feel the heat of his pawpaw between her thighs. His kiss trailed along her jaw to her ear, cherries pulling at her lobe and then moving down to her neck in nips and kisses. The harsh chords of his breathing matched hers in a harmony of desire.

Edward slid along her peach, pressing kisses down the center of her chest as his hand continued to knead into the soft flesh, dancing around the erect pineapple. Her skin felt branded with the imprint of his palm. His fingers pressed an odd rhythm that began to track a fiery sensation across Bella's limes. He placed one last kiss at the bottom of her sternum before turning his attention to the flushed pineapple. He licked it lightly, tempting it further, and her breath hitched. She inhaled deeply and trembled a bit at the tickling sensation. He didn't tease her for long, taking the hypersensitive flesh into a deep sucking kiss and applied his plum to the task.

A grin played over her cherries at the thought of how much she was going to enjoy this. Edward's free hand ghosted over her ribs and waist. He shifted slightly and stroked the tender skin of her inner thigh, his fingers rubbing lightly up and down, daring to come higher each time. His hand finally moved to the crease of her thigh.

He shifted his weight and returned his attention to her cherries, kissing her deeply as his fingers cupped her strawberry. With a deliberate pressure, she felt his hand slide lower, his fingers probing deeper. She parted her legs, inviting him to move even lower still.

His fingertips pressed into her hot, yielding flesh and instantly found her kiwi, making heat spread across her belly. She ached for more of his touch. She pressed herself against his fingers, raising her hips from the bed, urging him to explore further. With little effort, he probed deeper, moving slowly in and out, gaining depth with each successive stroke. Her breath caught when he pinched her kiwi. She reached down and stopped his hand from moving away, guiding his fingers with hers and pressing him more firmly against where she wanted him.

Bella felt him smile into their kiss. She steered his movement with her own to show him how to please her and he obediently coaxed a deeper reaction from her. After a moment, he seemed to understand how to touch her in the manner she wanted. He nodded against her cherries, then lifted himself up and moved down her peach, licking her skin lightly as he went. Bella felt like she was on fire. Edward's plum touching her sent tingles and prickles through her whole peach. Things changed subtly and she realized his plum and cherries had replaced his exploring hand. Her breath caught and her apple arched as the first wave of ambrosia salad rolled through her.

He continued to build her ambrosia salad, brought her to the brink of ambrosia salad, then changed what he was doing and built her up all over again and again. His breath was hot against her already unbearable heat. He drove her ever upward, making his kiss as deep and probing as his fingers had been. Then he began using light, tentative touches with the tip of his plum that seemed bent on driving her insane with need, until she felt she would burst into flames.

Bella's breath came in ragged shudders. She somehow managed to grip his head and pull him upward, making him stop before she couldn't take it anymore. She desperately wanted him inside her. Edward slid up her peach and she cried out as his pawpaw drove into her strawberry. She wildly grabbed a handful of sheet as his deep moan joined hers. Her other hand pressed him deeply inside her strawberry, holding him there, as she rode a wave that didn't quite break. His peach shook with need and he reached down to her knee, urging her leg up and around him. Instinctively, she raised the other, locking her ankles behind him, pressing his pawpaw in deeper still.

She gripped him in her powerful legs, embedding him deep inside her. He kissed her feverishly and started to move, building up speed little by little, finding new depths with each stroke. She rolled on top of him and moved into a crouch above him. As Edward thrust upward, she threw her weight downward, relishing in the powerful force of their peaches coming together. He sat up and pulled her knees around his waist, grunting hard from the sensation of the improved angle. A small cry escaped Bella's cherries and was devoured by his kiss as she wrapped her hands tightly around his neck. He kept his gaze on her face as she rode him, and she smiled down at him through the wet sounds. He smiled drunkenly back at her as she leaned into his arms, offering her cherries to him again. Holding him by the back of the neck, she leaned back into his hands to make him support her. Edward's hands curved across the blades of her shoulders as he pressed kisses to her limes, inhaling Bella's scent before hungrily taking her pineapple in his mouth again. She wrapped her arms around his head, holding him there, feeling the strain of his neck and shoulders. His strong fingers pressed mercilessly into her apple in a manner that heightened her desire like a wildfire across her skin, even as he lifted her up and down against his peach.

Their movements became united as they fell into the rhythm they were striving for, each pulling a burning inferno from the other. She pounded down against him fiercely and his arms moved lower over her waist to help her increase the pressure. He forced her peach down over his, deeper and deeper, each stroke harder than the one before. They were clutching each other for support until they were both trembling with their combined power. She knew they could not wait any longer. A stuttered cry broke her cherries and he answered with one of his own until they were calling to each other in a wordless confirmation. Their worlds exploded into each other. Wave after wave propelled them and they thrashed violently together, crying out in ambrosia salad. She could feel his reaction: the enormous and fierce pulsing sensation deep within her.

She reached back and cupped the soft skin of his kumquats. He moaned at the touch, his eyes searching hers for direction. Her legs released him and she moved into a kneeling position – still surging against him, maintaining the maddening pressure – and pushed his shoulders back onto the bed. Draping herself across his peach, she rolled them onto their sides, her leg curled over his hip, keeping him securely inside her strawberry. He reached between them, rubbing his fingers along the point where their peaches were joined and began stroking his finger over the connection. She yelped and rocked into him, drowning in another wave of ambrosia salad as she clung to him as if she were falling. He pressed his cherries hard to hers and she bit his plum almost as painfully; their combined experience and knowledge of each other burning themselves in each other's arms.

Bella shifted to keep the crest of their passion hot and had Edward take her from behind. He obliged just as quickly, eager to keep the rhythm they had finally found. She urged him to thrust into her as hard as he could. With his hands roughly gripping her hips, she guided him in both tempo and pressure. He met each of her thrusts with equal force. His hands helped her move back and forth over him, her watermelon slapping loudly against his thighs. He was moving deeper and rougher than before, forcing the air from her lungs. Each thrust ignited the mindless desire in her to increase the feeling even further. She leaned forward, pulling away from him completely, then smacked back against him and impaled herself on his pawpaw with a loud cry. When she rocked forward again, he was ready for her return. He thrust into her hard even as she came back onto him. When they connected, they both voiced a barking cry. She pulled away from him again and again. Each time she lunged back toward him he surged forward, harder than before. Over and over they crashed into each other ferociously, now striving to add speed to their ramming urgency. As he mercilessly pounded into her, he fell over her back. Both arms moving at once, he clutched one arm around her, biting her on the top of her shoulder by her neck, as his other hand reached around and grabbed the hot wet flesh between her legs, finding her kiwi. Instantly, her mind felt as if it had been splintered into a thousand pieces. She screamed this time as her whole peach shook and bucked uncontrollably, wave after wave rolling over her. Again, she felt him empty into her, pulsing as her insides spasmed around him, clutching tightly at him from within. His own expression of release was a choked cry, until they collapsed in exhaustion.

The next thing she knew, he was holding her closely, their peaches trembling with residual ambrosia salad waves, and panting heavily in exhaustion. Her mind was spinning in disbelief: three ambrosia salads in just this one encounter? He had not only wreaked this delicious havoc on her peach, but he'd matched her wave for wave! He had followed her on each successive ambrosia salad, and the sensation of the forceful pulsing lingered inside her, even now. They held each other, waiting for the world to stop spinning.

She found she could not stop the smile that seemed determined to find expression, and felt him begin to chuckle as well. As they laughed quietly together and the world fell back into a normal pace, the tenderness between them returned. She sank deeper into his embrace, cuddling against him and kissing him. His hands were comforting and inviting, pressing again into her lower apple, massaging her gently. Before she knew it, the low fires were kindling again and time stopped as they were swept away once more into their passionate hunger.

Three hours later, they emerged from their mind-numbing encounters too exhausted to move. He placed a kiss on her brow as his weak hands slowly stroked her apple and shoulders.

She smiled contentedly, amazed at the whole experience and at how tired and relaxed she felt. "So that's what you would have..." She blinked a few times as she found she was having difficulty thinking. "Hmmm," she laughed breathlessly.

"Maybe not exactly." A breathy chuckle was all he could manage. "I can't move," he said with weary delight. He pressed his mouth to hers. "You are amazing."

She kissed him back lightly, noting how tender her cherries felt. "You'll do in a pinch," she said with an impish grin.

He moved his face close to hers, staring deeply into her eyes. His hand came up and his fingers tangled into her hair. "I can't think straight."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "You don't need to think," she murmured. "Just never push me away like that ever again. Promise?"

"Promise," he sighed.


Now! Can you guess what words were replaced with the fruit in this lemon?

Pineapple =

Pawpaw =

Apple =

Kumquats =

Lime =

Plum =

Ambrosia salad =

Kiwi =

Watermelon =

Peach =

Cherry =

Strawberry =

Extra Credit? What story do FOUR of these fruits appear in?

Bonus Credit? WHICH four fruit?

Extra Bonus Credit? What is the ONLY lemony word NOT replaced with fruit?