Monkey See, Monkey Do (All That Glitters is Not Gold)

"OWW! What the - are you INSANE?"

Owwowwowwoww - shanking OW! He just stabbed me! John Goddamn Danziger just stabbed me with a-

"Did it hurt?"

"Of COURSE it hurt!"

You sonofabitch, what kind of a question is that? Um, did it hurt? I've been run-through! It's bad enough that Bess is forcing me to do this and that the big ape is palming my newborn daughter's skull in that giant paw of his like it's a pumpkin. Now he's stabbing people? Two hands! Two hands on my newborn, you Neanderthal!

"Good. That was the point. You remember that when you're wavin' these pins around your daughter's backside."

"Okay! I get it, I'll be careful with the pins! Two hands, Danziger! Listen, it would really mean a lot to me if you could please not drop my child on her head. Bess just trusted me to be alone with her like, five minutes ago, and the second she fell asleep it was like someone flipped the switch on a poop machine and—"

"Relax, Martin. You're doin' fine."

I'll relax when I make it through this alive! And besides, it's more like you're doing fine, Daddy Dearest. You're the one swinging my progeny around like a papa orangutan while she gurgles like she's glad to be rid of me! She hasn't made a peep!

"This little baby girl is full and sleepy and perfectly safe, isn't she? Isn't she?"

Wow, Danziger speaking baby talk is just…super creepy. Really creepy. Bess says he'll be good for me and I guess she's right, it's just- out of courtesy could he not rub it in my face by being so damn good with her? This day one- DAY ONE- and Lilac's already got her doubts about me! All I get is cry, cry, cry and eat and burp and who's that strange man who can't stop shaking like a fool? The bumbling moron my mom seems to like so much? He calls himself Daddy and I HATE him-

"Pay attention, Morgan. Next time you're up."

Okay, I'm watching, taking mental notes…

Step one: Unfold the diaper. Check - um, I mean, Step one: Don't stab the baby with the pins. Check. Then the unfolding thing…and then wait, no, with one hand? Really?

"Easy, Danziger! She's an infant, not some sort of sports…ball."

Oh, don't roll your eyes at me!

"She's not gonna break. Look at her, she's enjoyin' it…"

Yeah, and for some reason you are, too, which quite frankly boggles my mind considering that the smell alone is-

"…and if she gets fussy while you're cleanin' her up you can always make a silly face…"

More like scary! Scary face! Good God, is she smiling?

"…or sing 'er a little song…"

Is this really happening to me? Pleasedontsing, pleasedontsi-

"Yeah, those are all things that babies like, right Lilac?"

Okay, okay, Pins: check. Unfold: check. Wipe: check. Scary face or song:check. And then, hold on, wait-

"Whoa, whoa, slow down! Wait, it goes right then left?"

"Yeah, under over. Like you're packin' a picnic lunch."

After my first glimpse of what will be waiting for me in that diaper for the next...ever, I might never eat lunch again, actually.

"Just make sure it's good and snug…and then you carefully take the pins…and…you've got a diapered baby. That's that."

Oh, don't look at me like you just build the Great Wall of Saturn! It's a diaper! I will admit you possess a certain finesse, but - I'll get it, it's just a matter of time. And I'm grateful, okay? Now give me my damn baby before I get a complex.

"We've got it now, don't we, baby?"

I'm totally lying, but look at that face! You're precious, you're everything…and thank God you're the spitting image of your mommy cause the hair could have gone either way.

"Lilac and I will be juuuust fine."

If I didn't know better, I'd say John Danziger is jealous! Ha! At least he took time the time to wash those grease stained mitts of his beforehand, but I don't know how I feel about those gigantic appendages…petting my baby girl like she's the latest addition to some pack of wolves! She does seem to like it when he tickles her cheek though…why isn't she scared that he's gonna smoosh her? Damnit! Can't I be the Alpha Male, just once? She is my child, after all.

"Yeah, you guys'll be fine…"

Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.

"You're daddy has no idea how much he's gonna love you, little girl."

Okay, didn't see that…um...didn't see that coming. I mean, I've seen my fair share of Danziger's weak moments, but I'm pretty sure I've never heard him speak so honestly. Not to Devon…not even to True, but I'm starting to think I might not have been paying much attention. I mean, it's natural that a child born of Martin and Klempt DNA would be a heartbreaker on delivery, of course, but this is different. Maybe Bess was right about the big oaf…I mean, he's done all this before, right? And he's a moron! In fact, not only did he survive it, but he was just up to his elbows in poop and it's obvious that he'd do it again in a heartbeat! I hate to admit it but, setting aside the utter terror that swells in my gut at the possibility of future Danziger/Adair offspring…

John is a Parenting Oracle. Oh my God. I've got no leverage. He owns me, now.

"How did you learn how to do all this, Danziger?"

And is there a book I can read that will save me from all your...goodwill? He's already on his way to the door, smirking…Good Lord, he's got me by the balls. Maybe it's not even that, maybe he's just fondly remembering firsthand all the horrors that await me. All I know is he's being way too accommodating lately. Eerily accommodating.

"The hard way, Man."

Yeah, no kidding. Wow, I totally believe him. This is going to suck. I'm kidding, she's so beautiful…but whoa, I'm gonna need so much help. And that's not even including the help I already need for pretty much everything else.

Well, at least now I've got the basics. And Bess has got the boobs, so between the two of us we should have Lilac's bodily functions covered for at least a few weeks…I can do this. I can do this! I mean, if Danziger figured it out, then…

I wonder if John ever jabbed True in the butt with a safety pin.

On the other hand, this little lady's grip is already surprisingly strong…Oh no. What if he meant it the other way around? What if the safety pin assault was a cautionary tale…