Two Scots and a TARDIS


"This is a right bonnie ship, laddie. I'm still tryin' to ken all th' interspatial interdimensional calculations that Mr. Spock was carryin' on about, but I know a bonnie ship when I see one."

Jamie nodded. "Aye. An' I know what y' mean. I leave all that other part to the Doctor an' Zoe."

"I haven't seen her Engine Room yet. Is it down below, then?"

"O' course," Jamie said, though he really hadn't any idea what the other man was talking about. The Doctor had simply said to keep the strange visitor happy while he went off with the others in the 'landing party,' so he'd set out to do his best.

"What's she powered by?"

"Powered by?"

Montgomery Scott ran his hands over one of the roundels curiously. "What makes her run."

Jamie frowned. "I don't remember," he hedged.

"Y' don't know?" He looked astonished. "Come now, lad. Doesn't your crew ever stop to pick up a bit o' fuel?"

"Oh yes," Jamie said, vaguely trying to please him. "All th' time."

"We've a dilithium crystal system. Is it somethin' like that?"

The younger man considered this as they walked up the hallway, unsure what to say.

Scotty suddenly nodded in apparent understanding and laid a finger alongside his nose. "Ah. It's a trade secret then? Y' aren't supposed to tell?"

Jamie grabbed at the proferred way out and put on an apologetic face. "Aye, sorry." They stepped through the doorway back into the console room, where they'd begun some time ago. He glanced up at the scanner, which still showed nothing but the alien landscape. There was no sign of the others yet.

"I understand," the engineer was saying. "Not wantin' to cause y' any trouble. What's this now?"

"This is where the Doctor tells it where we're to go next," said Jamie, bravely nudging a knob on the console to show off while hoping it didn't do anything in particular.

"So, this is the Bridge!" said his new friend.

"A bridge?" asked Jamie, his brow furrowing.

"Why, where the Captain gives out the commands to the rest o' the ship!"

"Well, I suppose you could say that," grinned Jamie. "Though in this case he's the Doctor, o' course, not any high-falutin' Captain."

His fellow Scot ran his hands delicately over the various controls then knelt down to look underneath the console as well. "D'ye think he'd mind if I jus' pried this wee bit off to take a look?"

"Nooo, don' be touchin' anything or I'll have it from the Doctor!"

Scotty looked up at him. "What's your rank, lad?"

Jamie pulled back his shoulders. "I was a piper!"

"Ahh," Scotty said with a serious nod. "A fine an' honourable rank indeed."

"I say I was, but that was when we were fightin'. Now the Doctor says we're explorers."

"Even explorers have t' fight sometimes. We know that," Scotty said with feeling. "We've a whole passel o' men jus' for fightin'."

"We've a fighter, when he's needed."

"A fighter?"

"That would be me."

"Y'er the head o' Security? Y'er pullin' my leg, laddie!"

"Head o' what?"

"Security! Th' fightin' men."

"Oh noo," laughed Jamie. "I'm not the head o' any army or fightin' men."

"Well, all right then."

"I'm the only fightin' man."

Scotty blinked as he digested this. "All the defenses must be automated, then?"


"What a grand piece o' work! Are y' sure I can't just pop this one wee little panel…"

"None o' that!" Jamie said firmly. "And I'll thank ye to put that screwdriver away. How about you? Are you the head o' something-or-other?"

"Engineerin'. We've a good crew. An' not just engineers, either. We've over four hundred on our ship."

"Four hundred?" Jamie said in some astonishment. "That's a powerful lot to be getting' along with."

"Well, we get along wi' some more than others."

"'Smore like a family here. And I've the best rank a lad could want."

"Bein' the piper?"

"No, bein' the Doctor's friend," he said seriously. "That's more important than anythin' I could've ever dreamed of back when I was wi' my Clan."

"A fine commander is worth his weight in gold," Scotty nodded.


The two of them turned their eyes to the scanner, considering their respective leaders. The landscape remained empty. The TARDIS sighed and hummed around them.

Scotty suddenly slapped a hand to the console. "Well, if you ask me, you gettin' to be aboard a fine ship with a fine commander, that's about as fine as it can be. An' friends to boot! Come w' me lad, an' we'll share a drink before our lads come back and this Doctor o' yours takes y' off again. There were those pipes y' showed me earlier, an' what looked to be the finest aged Scotch whiskey that ever wetted an oak keg, if the label didn't lie. What do you say we give them both a try?" He clapped an arm over the younger man's shoulders.

Jamie grinned. "I'm wi' ye Mr. Scott! This way!"