[AN: So, uh, hey! This is my first try at a Kanda*Allen fic, so don't blame me if its crapola ; u ; I try, I really do~ Yes, the names from the song, if anyone was wondering - I came up with it one day while practicing, figure that, huh?
Anyway, disclaimers: I don't own -Man D: [if it was, it would totally not be called that~ OH WELL]]
At some point, Kanda isn't too sure when, it happened. It had started. It had begun as a tiny ball of twine, a small mountain of snow, then eventually events had happened and more snow was added over time. More twine was wrapped around his little ball. And dammit, Kanda doesn't know how to make it stop.
[Well, actually, he doesn't know if he wants it to stop. Funny that.]
So Kanda sits and watches from the sidelines. Watches his little ball of twine roll and roll and get bigger everyday. And its all that fucking bean sprouts fault. [Not that he's going to mention this to Walker, because the idiots got enough to worry about in his stupid damn chaotic life].
To put it out there, Kanda was falling in love. He was falling hard.
But Kanda doesn't tell anyone this. Doesn't confide in anyone, not even Lenalee – sweet, understanding, caring Lenalee – whom has come to him on more than one occasion to confess her love and anger and – on the odd chance - want for the damn rabbit. And Kanda knows that she really is in love with him, he can see it in her face. In her eyes. In her smile. The way she stares off into the distance and her cheeks turn a shade of pale pink, her eyes droopy glazed over and her lips puckered. Because that must be the face of a love sick fool.
And Kanda's been wearing it more often than not. All because of the fucking bean sprout.
Its not like Kanda enjoys["che, liar"] the feelings he gets when he's around Walker, though. They make him too giddy, force him to take more than two glances at the bean sprout when they're in a battle. They make his chest tighten and make his heart pound madly when Walker's hurt, because his mind is screaming profanities and insults at Kanda, telling him to do something but he just doesn't know what.
Then, of course, there are the other feelings he gets. Particularly the feelings he gets when Walker's shirtless or undressing, or when Walker says his name in just the right way that causes Kanda's mind to abruptly dive into a gutter and take a long swim, or even when they're arguing. Because, and Kanda doesn't really give a damn about how much he sounds like a sap when he says it, they're fun – Kanda loves the way Walker's eyes glow a fiery red and his brows furrow, the way his face contorts and burns; the way Walker's lower lip juts out just a bit to form a tiny pout. Of course, Kanda's only just started to notice all this, and he's thankful for his obliviousness because had he noticed earlier on when they'd first met, he would have pointed it out and Walker would have stopped doing it.
Thank God he didn't, because Kanda can't resist how utterly cute it is. Not that he'd mention that to the bean sprout, because Kanda still wants some form of pride.
But its after the move that Kanda's life starts to tilt a little. He finds himself sleeping less, finds himself training far more often than usual – which is saying something – but most of all, he finds his grip on Allen lessening. Kanda finds the boy brooding most of the time, hiding away in his room or zoning out of a conversation. His face is blank; it lacks emotion, which scares Kanda because there had been a time when Allen would get worked up over the most simple things, but now…
Its different. Allen's different. Kanda can see it in the way he moves, in the way walks around the [New, Kanda has to keep telling himself] Order, lifeless and slumped over, with that Link fellow following him everywhere. Sometimes Kanda suspects that its because everyone is suspicious of Allen, and most of the time Kanda knows this is true, but even then he knows that Allen wouldn't give up that easily – he knows the boy too well now, Kanda knows Allen would do all that is in his power to prove that he's innocent. That he's not evil.
What scares Kanda the most, however, is Allen's lack of heart.
The boy doesn't force himself to smile anymore, doesn't bother pretending he's okay – he's not okay – he barely complains of his constant starvation. It drives Kanda insane, not knowing what the damn bean sprouts thinking, because he use to be able to know – but now he can't even guess, because he knows its probably wrong.
During their mission in Paris, Kanda finally snaps.
He snaps not because the bean sprouts probably going to eat their last donut or because Link hasn't left Allen's side or because that fucking Phantom Thief 'G' disappeared on them the night before. He snaps because, and this is a one-in-a-lifetime moment, Link has left to report something back to central via whatever-the-fuck [Kanda doesn't really give a shit], Marie is sleeping silently in the abandon bedroom next door and Tim's bobbing up and down in the windowsill, and Allen lets out a light sigh and gives Kanda this look.
For some fucked up reason, Kanda can't get it out of his head. Allen's face is soft and youthful, and Kanda's reminded suddenly that this boy is only fifteen years old and that he himself is still damn young, and Kanda forgets for a moment that Allen's scar is looking more and more noticeable and bold. All that Kanda sees is the face of a young boy, eyes looking a little lost in the world and cheeks flush and wearing more damage than necessary. Kanda sees in his mind Allen as a normal boy, with brown short hair instead of stark white, no scar or anit-akuma weapon as an arm, running with Lavi and Lenalee in a field of wheat and sunshine. And he can see himself there, watching from a distance, and though they would have never known it from his expression, Kanda knows he would have been having fun.
But instead he gets this. A war that only few people know of. A war fought by children and adults alike. A war of regret and suffering and pain, all for what? The hatred of one man? Of one family?
Its this thought that causes Kanda to snap. He drops Mugen [an unlikely event, but nonetheless] and the sword falls to the floor, rattles in the shadows before it comes to a complete silence, and Kanda wonders how Marie could sleep through that. But then the thought is forgotten, along with mugen and the war and the world, and all Kanda can see is Allen. Allen. Allen. Allen—
In a moment Allen's up against the wall, body pressed to Kanda's – oh G-God – and Allen's grinding his teeth, because Kanda can see in his face for the first time in what seems like a lifetime pain. Real pain. Then Allen shoots him another look, a look to say "what the fuck?" but Kanda silences it by crushing the boys lips under his, and Kanda's eyes stay open because he wants to know what Allen's response is. He wants to know if he'll show—
At first Allen's eyes are wide and confused, then they flutter shut, and he's leaning into Kanda and moaning something far too erotic for the boy to be moaning in the back of his throat. Wanting more. Kanda isn't going to disappoint – fuck no – and he's pulling up Allen's legs in a minute, and almost automatically the boy's wrapping them around Kanda's waist and – Jesus Christ—
There's a cough and a murmur in the next room over, and Kanda knows immediately to pull away, which Allen isn't too particularly pleased about. But Allen understands – he shoots a look over Kanda's shoulder to the half-broken door behind them – sighs irritably and whines in the back of his throat, frowning a bit with his lower lip jutted out into a cute pout. Kanda can't help himself, though he doesn't want to, and leans forward just a little and – carefully this time, Allen's lips are looking puffy and swollen – presses their lips together. Because, despite how he's been calling it cute, Kanda prefers when Allen smiles.
When Kanda pulls away, Allen is still a little bit dazed, but when he looks at Kanda his face has a little more life in it. And for the first time in what feels like an eternity, Allen smiles at him.
And it's the brightest light in Kanda's world.
Its been a while, Kanda remarks, since he last snapped [the name Allen's given to Kanda's sudden outbursts of affection]. He hasn't shoved Allen against the nearest surface and completely made out with him in public, he hasn't dragged the boy down dark corridors of the [New] Order; he hasn't even distracted Allen during missions! Kanda's been good, he tells himself, so why the hell has the bean sprout had this attitude at him lately?
Kanda's finally come out about himself and the bean sprout to Lenalee, but only so he can confide in her [whom, to Kanda's horror, isn't at all surprised by this development]. Today his hairs out and dangling in the breeze while his coat has been dumped on the back of a chair and his shirt is half done up [he likes to talk to Lenalee when he's just gotten out of the shower, he's more relaxed and has less of a chance of snapping at her], and he's pacing in his room while ranting about Allen. Because he's pissed off.
Lenalee, with all her wonderful and surprisingly helpful feminine insight and advice, pipes up when Kanda's finished venting, pointing a finger at no where in particular. "You know," Kanda cringes because he knows what she says is probably going to be true and make him look like an idiot and lousy boyfriend. "Maybe Allen's had a lot on his mind? You can't honestly tell me you wouldn't be stressed if everybody you trusted and cared for thought you were the 14th, right?"
Kanda stares at her in that eerie way, because – once again – she's right, and he scratches the back of his head nervously, a habit picked up from Allen, and stares at the opposite wall, eyes unfocused. He grabs his coat, doesn't bother to do up his shirt or tie up his hair or even fasten Mugen to his body, and dashes to the door, ready to throw the damn thing off its hinges for being in the way. "I'll be back later." He throws the offending door open, then he's gone.
And Lenalee's left sitting on the bed, shaking her head up at the ceiling and tsk-ing to herself, and mutters a low, "men" with a smile before skipping off to go and see what Lavi's up to. Because its unfair to help her friends but ignore her own love life, right?
Kanda finds Allen in the infirmary, a body covered in patchwork and bandages [he's just gotten back from a mission, Kanda reminds himself], and he can't help himself when he lets out a breathless chuckle because the sprouts looking at him as if he's just been caught doing something horrible. Which he possible has, considering the mountain of dishes that is piling up beside the boy.
"Che. Bean sprout."
Kanda smirks with triumph when Allen frowns, but smiles because he knows that Kanda doesn't mean it. Its their, hmm…thing, you could say. Passing back and forth insults just for the hell of it, and it always gets a laugh out of the silly boy.
"You're a runt, you know that?" Kanda puts a hand to Allen's mop of white hair and tousles it before taking a seat beside him on the hospital bed.
"And you're an ass." Allen grins timidly, forgetting his twelfth bowl of ice cream and placing it atop the rapidly growing pile. From the corner of his eye Kanda sees the mountain quake a little, though it stands strong eventually, but its not like he's actually paying attention to it because he's too busy watching the beautiful boy in front of him giggle. When Allen's giggles die down to short chuckles, Kanda rolls his eyes and takes his hand – the left one, he's gotten over the feeling of the foreign skin – into his own much larger one, and squeezes it gently.
Allen lets out a sigh with a smile, "jerk off."
Kanda leans forward and kisses the boy on his forehead – instinctively on a spot where a patch is covering a newly earned akuma caused wound [Kanda takes note to ask Allen who the fuck the fucker is so he can slice him up into akuma sushi with Mugen]– and caresses his scar with his hand, because he knows Allen absolutely adores when Kanda pretends its not there. [And in his mind, its not like he cares anyway.]
"So what happened to you, sprout? Don't tell me you're in here on your own account because you can't look after your own ass."
"Oh, of course not," Allen rolls his eyes with a chuckle, pale orbs giving Kanda a look that screams love at top decimal. "That's what you're for, right, Yuu?"
"Absolutely, because that's what I do in my spare time – water plants and protect them from blood-crazed akuma, why not?"
Nobody came in to interrupt them. Nobody even bothers to come and check up on Allen, and Kanda supposes that its due to the head nurse seeing the tall man waltz into the infirmary and she'd have known straight away [woman's intuition, of course] that he was coming to see the sprout. Not that Kanda cares, because it means he gets Allen to himself for a little while longer. And get just can't get enough of him.
Eventually in their conversation, Kanda ends up leaning against the wall with Allen's head in his lap, and Allen's playing with his long [un-tied, he forgot again] hair and re-telling Kanda all of his mission in Germany and about the young boy that kinda reminds Allen of Kanda in a strange way, but Kanda doesn't mind because his eyes are closed and all he's doing is listening to Allen's sweet boyish voice and smiles quietly when he laughs because it feels nice and he can feel Allen's voice vibrating throughout his body—
Kanda's eyes opens just a bit to look down at the boy lying in his lap, and he finally notices for the first time in what feels like too long that the boy has color back in his face, and it makes Kanda smile.
"I love you."
Kanda's eyes close again, and he's humming a song in the back of his throat – the one that Allen likes so much. The one Allen plays for him in piano whenever Kanda asks him.
"I love you, too."
OH THE FLUFF. Doesn't it just make your brain fuzzy and cause your eyes to bleed sugary goodness? ;D AHOHO I KNOW IT DOES TO ME.
Reviews make Lavi happy in the pants~ YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE CAUSE OF HIS UNHAPPINESS, RIGHT? D: