Everything normal was gone to me.
I was numb from the waist down, and I felt as though I'd been submerged in an ocean of blue scrubs. The hissing whirr of the hydraulic doors, and the whoosh they made when they flew open only seemed to add to the metaphor of being in an ocean.
Then it grew to a point where all I could see in my line of sight was blue, a blue screen actually. But it was enough to completely derail any form of sanity I'd managed to cling to.
With my vision gone, what remained of my senses did little to assuage my dwindling comfort—or sanity for that matter.
Something was wrong, terribly wrong.
Sometimes I could make out voices, and phrases. None good, they were always in a frenzied panic, or pitching lilt of someone trying to maintain some professionalism.
A part of me knew what it was they were doing. The screen obscuring my vision was actually for my best interest as they cut through the skin, fat and muscle of my abdomen to deliver my children.
It was a good thing, given my propensity to grow weak at the knees at the mere mention of blood, seeing someone holding a scalpel to my flesh would be traumatic, incredibly so.
"What can I do?" came an somewhat familiar voice. The only voice I'd been able to make out with absolute clarity since I'd been wheeled in.
I hear the accompanying shuffle of synthetic booties against the linoleum with startling clarity, yet whatever Silvia's response was, I'd missed it.
Or she'd used far beyond the monosyllabic compression I was struggling to cling to. In all honesty, what remained of my clarity was growing more faint with the passing minutes.
Sometimes, while the new doctor who—I think was named 'Esther'— would speak I could interpret small snippets. Names mostly, like 'Cullen' and 'Carlisle'. I think there were 'thanks' involved too.
I even think Carlisle's voice fettered through too at one point.
It's funny how all clarity returned when Silvia started verbally walking me through her procedure.
"Don't tell me!" I managed to wail, in a breathy whine.
The last thing I needed was to be giving the material to visualize what was being done to me. I Googled it, I was certain I could figure it out on my own.
The room fell to a pin-drop silence when Silvia started cutting, that's why I was certain I could hear the stainless steel blade slicing through my skin, though I could feel nothing, there was something undeniably off as Silvia continued her procedure.
From what I could remember from my readings—which is why I was so against a Caesarean section—Silvia had to slice through the fat and muscle, and separate the incision so she could then reach in and extricate my babies.
The longer I imagined her hands inside of me, the heavier a weight seemed to grow. It was like an anvil resting on my chest, with every breath it seemed to grow heavier, pressing down on me.
Breathing grew difficult, and the solid blue screen in my line of sight started dotting my vision with a mosaic of black, blue and white. Breathing seemed to grow harder too, before I seemed to shift into an almost nauseating blackness.
A squealing beep broke through my haze, but couldn't completely rouse me. My heart, or something was stressed.
Then, the beep just continued, a single solid sound.
That was it.
I wondered if my children were delivered. I wondered what Edward would want to name them. I wondered if he'd find it in his heart to love again, because I knew I'd know no other love other than Edward's.
There was no pain. No fear.
There was nothing.
When lemons give you lemonade, and questions give you answers, and choices give you problems, fights will always give you a winner…and a loser.
I'd lost my fight, but hopefully not before saving my children.
As I sat in on the procedure, everything was going well. It was almost perfect. Silvia's cut was efficient, clean. She was able to get both babies out with relative ease, even given the emergency of it all.
If only that had been the end of it.
Before Silvia could even start closing, Bella started hemorrhaging. Esther was looking over the twins with her team, and though I wished to ensure their safety with my own two hands, and eyes. I couldn't.
Esther was one of the best, she'd ensure nothing happened to them.
From what my eyes could ascertain. They were breathing on their own, and were a little on the small side. Perfectly understandable, and not the least bit surprising.
Bella's downfall however, was troubling. Though Silvia was trying her best to get Bella's heart rate back down, and her breathing back to a normal level. She continued to escalate and now she was bleeding out.
When I watched Silvia's flustered movements as she prepped a bag a blood for Bella, I could sit idle no longer. It was breaking every protocol, guideline and law—I'm sure—for practicing surgeons, but I had no choice.
I couldn't do nothing!
I couldn't imagine what would become of my son if Bella didn't wake up again. The mere thought was like ice through my veins. Bella had to survive.
I would lose my job, before I let something happen to this young woman who'd all but become a second daughter to me.
It took both Silvia and I to get Bella stabilized, and even then it had been close. We had to give her two units of blood, before we managed to stop the hemorrhage.
Silvia closed the incision while I tried to talk to Bella, to see whether or not she was responsive. I don't know if she heard me, but I prayed she'd wake up; both for her children, and Edward.
We needed her to wake up. I couldn't lose her. I didn't think my heart could heal from something like that, or that of Esme.
Bella was swathed in heat blankets, and had an oxygen masked placed on her as nurses prepared her in ICU. I hoped she would be moved into a recovery suite soon enough so she could be with her children, but only time would tell.
And though I knew that we'd managed to stabalise her and stop the bleed, the father inside me was torn up.
I followed Bella into her room and checked her chart one last time before I kissed her forehead.
"You're babies are perfect, Bella. They're just waiting for you."
Though I didn't even think that it was possible, my stomach had all but dropped to the pit of my stomach when I went in search of my family. My baby boy, looked so helpless, curled up with Alice on the linoleum floor.
All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and just rock him, ease his fears, just like I would have done when he was a boy.
I wanted to be able to tell my baby what I saw of his children. I wanted to be able to tell him they'd inherited his hair, much like Tanya. I couldn't see much of their eyes, but their skin was perfectly pale, with their flushed cheeks.
The whole family was absolutely shattered, though a small mercy, my darling Esme must have taken Tanya with her when she left.
I don't think Tanya would have been able to handle seeing her father as he was. I don't even think Esme would have been able to handle it.
I wondered how I was going to be able to get Edward emotionally sound enough to speak to Bella, because I doubted anyone else would be able to bring her back to consciousness. The bond she shared with Edward was unparalleled. The love I had with Esme, as strong as it was, I don't believe we held a candle to Edward and Bella.
They were like orbiting satellites, one couldn't move without the other. If she was the ocean, he was the moon. It was beautiful. Ethereal almost.
"Carlisle, how is she?" Rose was the first to ask, her hand clutching at Emmett's. I'd never seen her so unkempt. Her makeup was messed, leaving darkened tear tracks down her cheeks.
"Stable." I offered, as calmly as I could. I'd had to have been blind not to have noticed the softening in Rose's whole body. Same with Emmett.
"Bella's in ICU, but hopefully when she wakes up they'll move her into a recovery room so she can see the babies."
Edward and Alice finally seemed to rouse, as they both looked up.
"You should go and sit with her, Edward. You can all wait outside her room, but I can't let more than one of you sit in with her."
They all seemed to nod along with me before scrambling to their feet, before I let them leave, I grabbed Edward's forearm and pulled him into me. We were the same height, but the way he curled into my chest, he could have been a child again.
"She's safe, Edward. Your girls are all safe." I let Edward fall into me as he became undeniably lighter, like the heaving weight that was the fears for Bella and the twins simply vanished and now his limbs just didn't know how to function.
"You did it didn't you?" He asked, his voice no longer hollow, though not quite at his usually lilt.
"I did what I needed to do, Son. Nothing more, and nothing less." A look of awed recognition flashed across Edward's face, as he seemed to understand the underlying meaning in my words.
I'd thrown every rule and regulation to the wind. I'd been lead by my heart, and did what needed to be done to save my daughter. I'd do again, if I lost my license to practice medicine, I'd deal with it.
"I love you Dad." I kissed Edward's forehead, before stepping back and looking at him at arms length. "They're perfect Edward. Go be with Bella, the babies are fine."
I didn't need to tell him twice, and though I saw the slightest hesitance, he didn't falter long before he was striding off towards Bella's room.
I sighed, when I was left alone to my thoughts. The whole scene flashed before my eyes. I don't know why and I couldn't stop it, but it was like I could see everything with such clarity. Though I knew in that room, and I could see it now there was nothing that could be done to have stopped Bella from hemorrhaging. Esther and Silvia were the best of their fields, they performed perfectly. It was a freak thing.
Shaking my head, I wanted to see for myself how the twins were. It was only a matter of time before someone heard about my discrepancy, and I wanted to see my grandchildren before my name tarnished—granted the worst case scenario plays out.
I wasn't entirely surprised to see Esther and Silvia leaning over an incubator as I entered the room. I was also presently surprised to see the twins weren't in an intensive unit, they were however co-bedding.
I couldn't help but smirk when I noticed two pink-capped babies.
"Daughters." I stated, as Esther and Silvia both looked up from the crib.
"I don't envy Edward, Carlisle. That boy of yours needs a gun, and maybe a Pitbull." I chuckled, before leaning over the crib myself.
They were definitely gorgeous. My brief glimpse earlier had done them no justice. They were perfect. Snow-white skin, bee-stung lips and both seemed to have hair too. One of the girls had brown hair, while the other was undeniably ginger. Inheriting a little of her Cullen genes.
"How much do they weigh?" I asked, stroking the check off my first brunette grandchild. Her eyes blinked up at me, and I was almost certain the light, murky grey would turn green.
"That little girl there," Esther gestured with her head to the finger I still held against my granddaughter's face. "was a little porker compared to her sister. She was four pounds even, and little copper-top was three, five. Not too bad considering they're early. Not bad at all."
"Not bad at all." I agreed absentmindedly.
Her smile faded quickly as she glimpsed her sister before returning her gaze to me. "How's Bella? Do you know?" I couldn't help but admire Esther and Silvia that little bit more. Their genuine concern for Bella was incredibly endearing.
"She's stable, she seemed fine when I left her room. I imagine Edward is in there now, doing his all to talk her into consciousness."
"Edward's going to have a time with his house full of gorgeous women." Esther added in an attempt to lighten the mood.
We chatted briefly, but I could see the genuine curiosity in the sibling's eyes. They wanted to see for them selves how Bella was doing.
"Though I pray they listened, Bella's room may be crowded." The sisters just shook their heads. Second to locking the door after only letting Edward into her room, I did all I could do professionally.
"Your Mommy and Daddy love you very much girls, and they'll be with you as soon as they're able." I whispered to the now sleeping angels, before quietly leaving the room.
If I knew Edward and Bella as well as I believed, there was no truer statement in the world.
Sitting in Bella's room with nothing but the beeping and whirring of machinery to keep me company, it took everything in me to remain calm.
Silvia and Esther, promised everything would be okay, and that we were just waiting for Bella to wake up, and I believed them. I just wouldn't—couldn't believe that everything would be okay until I could see it for myself.
I felt torn, knowing that the thing Bella would have wanted to hear the most, would have been about the twins. But I couldn't give her that kind of information. I couldn't tell her how beautiful our newest daughter was, our how precious our son was, because I didn't know.
Esther and Silvia told me they were healthy, suckled well and were likely to have green eyes. She even said twin one was a brunette. I did always hope at least one of the twins would inherit Bella's beautiful locks.
I won't lie, I was happy that my family only passed through Bella's room briefly. They each said their peace before kissing Bella, and asking her to wake up.
Through it all, I sat on an uncomfortable chair pushed as close as possible to Bella's bedside.
I won't lie, I cried when I was finally left a lone with Bella. I cried for her, for the procedure she never wanted and the children she still hadn't had a chance to meet. I know she probably would have wanted me to sit with them, but I knew they were healthy, safe. I was still waiting to see her beautiful eyes open.
At some point, my tears and fears got the better of me and I drifted to sleep. The sound of beeping and whirring were hardly conducive to restful sleep, but somehow my eyes managed to drift close.
A persistent calling of my name roused me, making me aware of the softness running feebly through my hair.
"Bella?" My eyes snapped open to be greeted by the most beautiful site I'd ever seen.
"Oh, Bella." I sat up, leaning over her bed as I hugged her to me. I rested my forehead against hers and just breathed her in. "Bella."
"Have you seen them?" Bella asked, her hands running along my face.
As our eyes I met, I couldn't stop myself from clearing the distance between our faces an kissing her. It was an almost bruising kiss, but I couldn't help it. When I was eventually able to pull away, Bella just smiled at me. A crimson flush trying to break out on her cheeks.
"I love you Bella, so much."
"I love you too, Edward." She returned, then her eyes popped up.
"Have you seen them?" She asked. I just shook my head.
"I couldn't, Bella. Not without you. They're healthy though. They're perfect."
I could see the relief in Bella's eyes, before she started idly gazing around the sterile room.
"This isn't my post-partum—maternity room, is it?" I shook my head, and she seemed to just accept it without further question.
I was pleased she didn't probe further, because I don't think my heart could handle having to relive the last several hours of my life.
I quickly reached for the call button, and alerted the nurse. She assured me she'd get a hold of our doctors. No more than a few minutes later, Carlisle, Silvia and Esther strode through the doors unbridled happiness adorning all of their faces.
"Welcome back, Bella." Carlisle smiled, which Bella returned quickly. "How do you feel?"
"Like I've been run over and shot up." She said succinctly, as Carlisle checked her monitors while Esther and Silvia went over her chart.
"Are you hungry? Tired?" Silvia probed.
"Now that you mention it, I could eat, and yeah, I'm tired too." Bella paused, before casting a look down at her hand and cringing. Her whole body seemed to physically recoil.
"What's wrong?" I asked in a panic.
"Needles." She huffed. "I. Hate. Needles." I all but sighed in relief.
"Sorry, Bella. We needed to stabalise your fluids, and the only way we could do that was intravenously." She didn't respond, but seemed determined to look at anything other than the needle embedded under her skin.
"How much longer will I be in this room?"
"Well, you'll have to be monitored a little bit longer before we can clear you to be admitted into a normal recovery room." Silvia answered. Bella looked somewhat appeased, but not entirely happy.
"How are my babies?" Bella asked in a small voice. I worried something might be wrong with her, but after a quick glance, I think she was just exhausted which was no real surprise.
"Your daughter's are fine. Absolutely perfect. Baby girl one is a little bigger than her sister weighing four pounds even and baby girl two, is a perfectly healthy three pound five ounces." Esther answered, as Bella's eyes continued to droop.
"Baby girls." Bella smiled as she seemed to have lost her fight against sleep.
Though I wanted to see her awake again, I was happy to see her sleeping too. She needed it, considering whar her body went through a lot.
Silvia and Esther spoke to me about…something, before deciding to leave for the day. I wished them both well in their travel, before settling myself in my chair at Bella's bedside.
Tomorrow we would see them, but for now, Bella needed her rest…and so did I.
Not a lot I can really say other than, 'RL is kicking my ass, and full-tome study and a part job sounds amazing in theory but is a mission in practice'. Please, leave me some love or feedback. I am genuinely curious to know your thoughts, or criticisms.
Peace and Love,