Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or the Twilight series.
(A.N: For Different Child – because our crackish conversations are made of PWN. And *don't* flame me for this, guys! I rather like the Twilight series - I just couldn't resist this idea.)
Real Vampires Don't Sparkle
By Silver Sailor Ganymede
The night was not going well for Alucard. It wasn't going well at all. He had been looking forward to staying in with a nice glass of blood or ten and spending most of his time taunting Seras, as he was want to do – and then this had happened.
The Hellsings had decided to send him out on what must have been his oddest mission ever: apparently there had been intelligence reports about some odd 'creatures' in the vicinity, a family of beings who called themselves the Cullens. It seemed like they thought these 'creatures' may be vampires, but they weren't sure and so had sent Alucard out to investigate.
The vampire snorted derisively at the thought. How on earth could they not be sure whether or not they were facing vampires in this instance? It wasn't as though most vampires were particularly discreet. In fact the majority of them may as well have been running around with the words 'I am a vampire – please kill me now' tattooed on their foreheads…
Alucard finally caught sight of a large building that was made mainly of glass. Evidently this was the building he had been sent to look for – how many homes were there that looked like oversized greenhouses stuffed with antique furniture? Besides that there was a rather handsome young man reclining on the steps outside the house – from his gait Alucard could tell that he certainly wasn't human, and was able to guess that this one must be the one they called Edward.
The boy looked up at Alucard and smiled slightly, showing a pair of gleaming white fangs. Right, for all intents and purposes Alucard decided that this boy was certainly a vampire. Then he noticed something rather bizarre – Edward Cullen's skin was sparkling in the moonlight.
He looked at the man-boy in front of him and shook his head in exasperation.
"You're definitely not a vampire," he said at last. "At least not the kind of vampire my… employers are interested in."
"And why is that?" the Cullen asked, looking perplexed at the rather bizarre statement from his unidentified, unexpected visitor.
"Because you're too tame," Alucard replied. 'More like boring' he thought. "And more importantly real vampires don't sparkle. We're not born coated in fairy-dust, you know."
With that he turned and walked away, leaving Edward Cullen standing there with a very bemused look on his face.
As soon as he was out of sight, Alucard groaned audibly. It was a very human mannerism and totally unbecoming of him, but in this instance it was rather appropriate. Sparkling vampires? How on earth was he supposed to explain this one to Integra?