Disclaimer: No infringement intended to the unit or its producers.
Tag to the Wall:
Summary: Kim's thoughts as the bullets were zinging over head and then later when she tried to make sense of it all.
There is something to be said about watching your husband sleep, especially when it's in a chair at the side of your hospital bed. I know it can't be comfortable for him all slumped over like that. His neck is going to hurt when he wakes up and he's going to be crabby at best. At worst I'm going to have to hear about it all day…his little reminders that he didn't get any sleep because he stayed at my bedside just to make sure we, the baby and me, were okay. I told him to go home at least ten times, but he insisted on staying just to be sure.
To be sure of what, I don't know. Our child is sleeping peacefully in the NICU, while his mother is not. I cannot get comfortable in this bed. I cannot get comfortable with what has happened, and I cannot get comfortable with what my friends have done. If they actually are my friends, that is.
A normal person can make choices in life, pick a job, pick a husband, pick the color of the walls of the house, but when you're married to the army and your husband is in the unit … you can't pick a damn thing. I'm attached to Tiffy and Molly because of my husband's job, yet had I met these women on the street, they would not have become my friends. Despite my emotional attachment to them, I don't even want them to be my friends. I told them less than a day ago to go to hell because they screwed me. Royally. And enjoy it? Hell no I didn't enjoy it.
Molly has lied to me from the start …from that lie that we had to live in that house across the street from hers to the moment that she lied to me about Tiffy and then lost my money, and lied about that too. And Tiffy! Tiffy's lies about who she's sleeping with and then hides the evidence right under her husband's nose? Doesn't Mack ever snoop? It took me all of twenty seconds to find the picture! Ugh! I'm supposed to call these people my friends?
I roll my head to the side and look into my husband's eyes. "Hey baby," I mutter sleepily trying to play it off that I've been sleeping this whole time.
"Wha'ja thinking about?"
"What makes you think that I'm thinking?" I ask with an innocent expression on my face.
"Oh, maybe that the monitor just went nuts or that you have tears in your eyes," he answers.
Why I think I can keep anything from this man I share my life with is a mystery to me. He's away enough for the little things to go unnoticed, but the big things that worry me, are written all over my face. When the bullets were zinging over my head I swore I would tell him my secrets, yet I made a vow to my friend and now I'm stuck in a place that does me no good to myself or my baby.
"What is it?" he prods me gently as he moves from the chair to the bed.
"Do the guys on your team ever let you down?" I blurt out, unable to hold it in anymore. I already know that his answer will be no….the famed alpha team doesn't work that way. Too bad their wives can't be so cohesive, I think as I search for words to explain myself. "I mean get on your nerves?"
"Like Tiffy and Molly were last night?"
"Something like that," I replied scooting around on the bed. A grimace ripples across my face as I try to get comfortable. "What's that saying, keep your enemies closer than your friends?"
"That's not quite how it goes babe," Bob chuckles as he runs his hand down the side of my cheek. "You wanna talk about it?"
"It was just ah….a stupid girl fight," I finally concede. "Except in the whole grand scheme of things, it's nothing important now." I shake my head as I realize that just like the rules of the unit, I cannot break the confidence of my sisters. The complexities of the web in which we exist reach farther than this link between him and me. No matter what Tiffy has done, no matter what lie she has caught me up in, I cannot tell Bob her secret, to do so would jeopardize his standing in the team, with his boss and his life.
"It's hard for our friends to live up to our expectations, sometimes. If Tiffy or Molly let you down, you have the luxury of letting things repair themselves on their own. I know everything is magnified for you in that moment because of the added stress of holding the things together while I'm gone," Bob replies quietly. "It's the same for us in the field, except my window of recovery is much smaller because on a mission time is moving much faster."
"I know. You need to be able to trust the team to have your back, so you can't be caught up in meaningless differences," I remark shuffling my body against the mattress.
"I know the team will always have my back regardless of our differences," Bob reminds me. "Just like you had Tiffy's back last night. You said it last night, in a strange sense you, Tiffy and Molly are your own unit."
"Gunless unit members," I grumbled as I lace my fingers into his.
"You don't need guns to be resourceful," Bob says with a smile, then break out into a laugh. "I may be good …great at my job, but domestically I'm…"
"Inept?" I laugh at him.
"Yeah," he agrees. "I can't even think of a name for our baby."
Oh, our baby, I think suddenly remembering why I am lying here. "Don't feel bad … I didn't think of any names while I was pregnant."
"What were you doing all this time?"
I laugh in embarrassment and then consider his statement carefully. Some things matter a lot in life. A name for a child takes second fiddle comprehending our place. The code between us is a silent understanding, just as we volunteer for service, we exist as we live.