Disclaimer: I do not own this song or the characters that are singing it. The characters belong to talented Ms. JK Rowling and the song belongs to the equally talented Cy Coleman and Michael Stewart.
A/N: I got this idea watching a video of Rock Hudson and Bea Arthur singing this song and couldn't resist using Dumbledore and Minerva in their place. I don't know why, I guess the idea of the eccentric Albus and the prim and proper Minerva singing about recreational drug use was a vision that I wanted to share to the world.
Albus Dumbledore walked into the main offices of Professor Minerva McGonagall, who had called him for a conference only minutes ago. He rested his old bones in the chair in front of her desk.
"I must say, Minerva," He said, a smile forming under his crooked nose, "It's been a very long time since I've been on this side of the desk."
Professor McGonagall did not seem amused at the old man's levity and reached into her desk, producing a bag of a green herb. Dumbledore readjusted his half-moon spectacles and picked up the bag, examining the contents.
"Where did you find this, Minerva?" He inquired.
"I confiscated it from Holden Webber," Minerva said.
"The Muggle-born?" Dumbledore asked, "That would explain his obsession with my bread."
"Albus, this is hardly the time for levity, he brought this into the school and I caught him imbibing this with several other students." Minerva said, an authoritative tone in her voice, "If we let this continue, Hogwarts could turn into the Muggle universities in America. You've seen the papers, they're out of control."
"Minerva, I doubt that one bag of this," He said, placing the bag back onto his colleague's best, "Would turn Hogwarts into those schools. Although I do agree that something has to be done about it."
McGonagall stood up from her chair, crossing past the headmaster and patting him on the shoulder.
"I agree with that last part." She said, walking out of the room, wordlessly signaling Dumbledore that she was in the mood for a walk through lesson.
Dumbledore chuckled under his breath before following after her. He followed her down to the lower parts of the school grounds, eventually moving into the Great Hall.
"Minerva," Dumbledore finally said, "You never do anything without a reason, so I'd like to hear what you have to say."
McGonagall stopped at the headmaster's chair in the room, turning back Albus, a grim look on her face,
"Look at this room, Albus; we are both in agreement that it's possibly the most beautiful in the school." She said, "Can you imagine it as a den of hedonism?"
"It's one every Tuesday when the Elves cook manicotti." Dumbledore quipped.
"I'm being serious, Albus."
"I believe that you're being too serious," The headmaster amended, "If you try to scare the students into thinking this sort of thing will happen because of a little experimentation, the more brazen students will try it and not realize that, 9 times out of ten, nothing bad will happen to them and continue to do so until we are faced with something truly tragic on the tenth time."
"Then what do you suggest we do?"
"I think that a extracurricular course in the education of these sort of things would be best, to counsel the students in matters of peer pressure and all of the other things. I've actually been talking to the Broad of Governors about a counseling service at the school." Dumbledore stated, his voice as calm as it had been when she called him into her office minutes ago.
McGonagall sat down on the steps of the staff table area, a grim smile on her face. Dumbledore took a seat next to her, stretching his old knees out, hoping to work out the kinks before he returned to his office.
"What's on your mind, Professor?" He asked.
"The times." She said, a strand of her graying her falling out of his buns, "I look at these students, in a parts of the world actually and I see nothing but bright futures that they throw away because of these ridiculous escapist methods. I'm all for a flight of fancy every once and a while, but this sort of thing can ruin a life if it isn't nipped in the bud."
"Well, the world is changing, my dear Minerva," Dumbledore said, shrugging his shoulders, "They're certainly different than when you were a girl."
"Or you were a boy." McGonagall added.
"Let's not bring the Middle Ages into this." Dumbledore said slyly, getting a smile from his colleague.
The two looked around, only to discover that one of the house elves was hard at working, pouring them two glasses of Pumpkin Juice.
"Are masters thirstys?" one timid elf asked, trying to hide his eyes under his ears.
"Yes, we are, thank you." Dumbledore said, taking both glasses from the shivering creature, "You may take your leave."
"Thanks you, sir." The elf said before disappearing, leaving the pitcher behind.
The elf left but a new sound entered the room, a sound that seemed foreign to the halls of Hogwarts. Unless, of course, the halls were being crossed by Soulless Warlock and his Band and you had the unfortunate pleasure of being in one of his fanfics'. The music filled the Great Hall as Minerva began to speak again, "Times have changed, instead of working out their problems, they put it off."
Albus grinned at her, knowing there was a formation of a song on her lips.
She continued her little tirade, "Put it off and turn to this garbage and it isn't just what I showed you."
With the cue set up, McGonagall began to sing,
McGonagall: For some it's grass,
Dumbledore nodded and began to sing himself,
Dumbledore: For some it's coke,
McGonagall tossed in another thought,
McGonagall: For some it's powder,
Dumbledore added his two cents as well,
Dumbledore: For some it's smoke,
The duo sang together,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: Everybody today is turning on!
McGonagall shook her head disapprovingly,
McGonagall: For some it's dust, for some it's weed,
Dumbledore nodded in agreement,
Dumbledore: For some it's acid, for some it's speed,
The duo sang together again,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: Everybody today is turning on!
Dumbledore stood, retrieving the pitcher, refilling their glasses, singing to Minerva while handing her a glass,
Dumbledore: Time was when if a fella felt depressed, he simply got it off his chest by callin' on a preacher,
McGonagall pointed to herself, indicating a sense of being excluding from helping her students,
McGonagall: Talkin' to his teacher,
The two began to sing together, suggesting another alternative,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: Coughin' up a half a buck to see a double feature!
McGonagall got to her feet, as she and Albus counted all the things that could "help" people deal with their problems,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: But now its pills, and now its pot, and now its poppers, and God-knows-what. Sniff, swig, puff, and your cares are gone! Everybody today is turning on!
Dumbledore removed his wand from his robes, casting a spell on the ceiling, creating a starry night over the two singing teachers. McGonagall looked up at the stars and tapped Dumbledore on the shoulders, singing again,
McGonagall: The simple life it must have been when "smoke" was Luckys and "high" was gin –One pink lady and how it turned 'em on!
Dumbledore laughed at her assertion speaking his mind as well,
Dumbledore: "Junk" was trash, "speed" was swift, glue was pasted instead of sniffed, coke and aspirin, and wow it turned 'em on!
The two sipped their drinks before Dumbledore offered her his hand, which she accepted singing with him as they danced,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: Those days whenever folks were feeling low, they knew that they could get a glow…
They stopped dancing but continued their musical tirade, tossing out another alternative,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: And chase away the vapors laughing at the capers that Mutt and Jeff were cuttin' in the Sunday funny papers!
They picked up their drinks again and swigged them down, the Band still playing enthusiastically as the teachers sang,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: But now it's sniff and down it goes around your windpipe and up your nose! Sniff, swig, puff, and your cares are gone! Everybody today is turning on!
Dumbledore propped himself up on the table and began to think about this subculture, turning back to McGonagall and singing,
Dumbledore: Remember when "high" was up and kicks were tame, and "amyl nitrate" was some guy's name, holdin' hands and smoochin' was turning on!
McGonagall nodded in agreement, inwardly cringing at Dumbledore's self-deprecation on this night, and added two cents yet again,
McGonagall: "Horse" was ride and "roach" was bugs, "French connections" were foreign plugs –Jivin' to Eddie Duchin was turning on!
The two teachers watched the Band and the writer walk into the room, allowing the music to be heard even more and giving the two a chance to really belt out their opinions,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: Those days when if your nerves were kind of shot, instead of going right to pot, you prayed to hold it steady, kept a Bible ready,
McGonagall tossed out another religious figure,
McGonagall: Took advice from Rabbi Weiss…
Not to be outdone, Dumbledore threw in his favorite (and mine too, simply based on the fact she didn't even believe in sickness and that is remarkably absurd),
Dumbledore: Or Mary Baker Eddy!
The two took a seat at their usual chairs, pouring themselves another glass,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: But with the world is so much amiss, how can a whiskey beat cannabis? Sniff, swig, puff, and your cares are temporarily gone! Everybody today is turning on!
The Band became even jazzier, precise, and louder, allowing Dumbledore and McGonagall to enjoy the music while they finished their drinks. When they were done, however, McGonagall demanded to be heard again,
McGonagall: Remember when "hash" was fried and "T" was brewed, someone "pushing" was merely rude!
Dumbledore laughed and added,
Dumbledore:And once a week you cut the grass, and too much acid just gave you gas!
The two sang the refrain once more,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: Sniff, swig, puff, and your cares are temporarily gone!
Dumbledore threw in a phrase he had read in the paper,
Dumbledore: Everybody today is puffin'!
McGonagall added one of her own,
McGonagall: Into fudge, look what they're stuffin'!
Hopping out of his chair, Dumbledore belted,
Dumbledore: Hold it, Ma, don't touch that muffin!
McGonagall joined him,
McGonagall: God knows what your grandpa's snuffin'!
The two finished with gusto,
McGonagall and Dumbledore: Everybody today is turning on!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Band faded out, allowing the teachers to fall back into their seats, laughing at what they had just done.
A/N: Okay, did everyone enjoy that? I know I did, but that means nothing to me unless I know others enjoyed it too.